battle ax

Bear’s Story (part 4)

A couple weeks later, realizing that snapped wands were too powerful of a weapon, our DM concocted a method for Bear’s return. He took her player into a side room at the beginning of the session and nothing seemed to come of it for some time. The player just drew pictures while we hunted and fought a Remorhaz in the snowy mountain caves.
DM: Alright, and with that barrage of psionic arrows from Nomad, the Remorhaz is almost dead. (waits) Ahem, I said, ‘the Remorhaz is almost dead.’
Bear: Oh, right. Bear rips off the Remorhaz’s jaw from inside while growling fiercely as blood and brains rain down upon her. She then reaches back casually into its throat to grab her battle axe.
Cleric: “What, the? By the Light of Pelor, where have you been?”
Bear: “Bear no know. Bear got hot. Then scary guy make promise with Bear to return to her sorcerer.”
Sorcerer (while actually crying a little): He’s stunned, dumbstruck, jaw open and staring. “I never thought I’d see you again.”
Bear: I hug and lift the sorcerer. “You are my sorcerer. Bear always protect her sorcerer.”
And she did all the way until the end of the campaign a couple months later.

So I see some of this “Famous Last Words” stuff going around Tumblr. How bout I give it a go?

Niiiiiiiiice! I get to die in a pretty badass way. Hey, Violet, I wonder what yours’ll be?

*tears up*

VIIIIIIIOOOOLEEEEEET

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE

YOU ARSE

HOW DARE YOU DIE IN SUCH AN AMBIGUOUS WAY

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN

THIS IS SO VAGUE

THAT COULD LITERALLY BE ANY SITUATION

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

@omegaversethings

A chiselled and gold-inlaid Persian battle axe (tabarzin), 18th/19th century Solid blade with semi-circular edge, chiselled on both sides in hunting relief and with gold-inlaid decoration. On the socket and hammer head an Arabic inscription chiselled in relief. Velvet covered wood haft with two octagonal, ornamental gold-inlaid iron mounts, suspension ring attached to the handle.

I'm Noticing a Trend

Context: The rogue is incredibly awkward, especially in social situations. She is sent to talk to a male dwarf by herself, without the aid of the rest of the party.

Rogue, slightly panicked: Uhm, hey, I uh, like your battle axe

Everyone else, OOC: *dies of laughter*

Later on, they party is in a dark forest, and the same rogue tries to cast light on the fighter’s glaive. But she can’t see very well in the dark.

DM: You grope around in the dark, looking for his glaive, and you grab something that is definitely not his glaive

Fighter: Woah, wrong glaive, wrong glaive!

Rogue, mortified: Why does this always happen?

2

Celestia’s got her big freakin’ double bitted battle ax. Cadance has her fancy bow that, aside from practice sessions, has only ever fired suction cup tipped arrows with heart shaped fletching.

Twilight… hasn’t figured it out yet. She’s learning and trying out multiple weapons but she’s used to using magic first and hasn’t quite seen any benefit to a physical weapon.

The worst part of the Assassin’s Creed series is … everything else. The plot is based on something the developers half-remembered from a History Channel special, the premise is less cyberpunk than it is cyber-soft-rock, and the dialogue aspires to being wooden – right now it’s particleboard.

So in order to keep you entertained though the 20-hour slog of story endurance, you get increasingly awesome ways to teach Todd to watch where the hell he’s standing: battle hammers, axes, maces, halberds, and uh … brooms?

In that gif, someone thwacked that guy with a broom so hard blood flew out. Remember that force equals mass times acceleration, so that straw has to be travelling at relativistic speeds. Here’s that same broom, bludgeoning the Catholic out of a guy wearing full plate mail.

You probably never bothered with it, but the broom in Assassin’s Creed II is a magic death machine that can be found everywhere, never breaks, and can even slit a guy’s throat.

Kill God With A Stick: Fun With Bad Video Game Weapons