batten down the hatches

very important news from your breathless reporter on the scene

Breaking news in the fandom world!

Tonight in the livestream chat the topic of the fandom making a big deal overe little details came up.

So of course the topic of Swoops came up - how we came up with the character, how he got the name Swoops (as you recall it was just because of a tag on the original post)

And Ngozi comes into the chat completely confused and says “What… wait, who is Swoops…. no, guys, swoops is just a name for the game of basketball”

So we demand to know who the guy was.

Ngozi: “that guy was troy”

Ngozi hoped she wasn’t kicking down any sandcastles, so we conferred and as a fandom decided his name is now Jeff “Swoops” Troy.

Ngozi: “SWOOPS IS NEW. THIS IS ALL NEW TO ME.”

She said we could report this out of the chat, so here I am reporting it.

Now that I’ve stopped laughing. Which I didn’t think I would ever be able to do for a few minutes there.
The Tree That Outsmarted Me and Punched Me in the Face

Ok so this one isn’t so much wild as it is ‘Rekina what the heck do you think you’re doing sit down this instant’ kinda deal.

Our story begins back when I worked retail.

Alrighty so quick update. The part of Saskatchewan where I live is flat. I don’t mean mildly ho hum flat I mean flat ok like the nearest slight incline(besides the dump) is nearly a fifteen minute drive. ok flat as a ruler

And because of this intense flatness we get some equally intense wind. The last few days we’ve had winds upwards of 90km (55mph) and that’s a pretty normal seen it all before kind of wind storm. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then sometimes we get even worse winds called plough winds. Now, these are sometimes hurricane force winds ok windy as all get out

These winds make a straight path across the prairies, ripping roofs off, uprooting trees, and causing general havoc ok

there’s a reason they are called plough winds they plough over everything in sight like a bull in a china shop it has zero regard for your average home or retail employee like myself

Plough winds only show their ugly faces during the summer. and in summers I worked in the garden center. 

Now, normal people would stay indoors during winds like this. Common, sesnible people would hunker down and batten down the hatches and wait for the whole thing to blow over. Not me. Not only was I at work

I was outside

That’s right folks yours truly still had to go out and water the plants in winds fast enough to shut down most cities

So there I am in my oversized rain jacket that I was practically swimming in. This thing trailed along the ground it was so big on me. I have my garden hose on and am doing my thing

First of all, do you have any idea how hard it is to water plants when the water comes out of the hose and just kinda shoots off into the distance

It’s an acquired skill to say the least k I was standing like two feet to the side of the plant I actually wanted to water

Now if that wasn’t annoying enough i also have to deal with these jerks of trees

At the back of the center is our tree selection. I’d tied them down with the full stregnth of my scout knot tying knowledge and most of them stayed secure. But there was three little jerks on the very end that would tip over, making me go and pick them up again

This happened every ten seconds.

I would go, water a plant, and then drop everyhting to pick up these stupid trees

I did this for five hours straight

Then one time while I’m picking up a fallen ash, this little apple tree gets cheeky and topples down right on top of my head.

It didn’t hurt, but those leaves are like little whips in the wind my whole face was stinging by the time I got the jerk set up right again

This tree was about to become a very big problem

See when the other trees tipped over they would politely lay in place until i could reach them, still tethered loosely to the pole. But not this apple tree oh no

Little did i know i was dealing with Houdini Incarnated into a tree.

So I’m minding my buisness watering a plant from a distance and I happen to see Houdini take the fall. Except this time something was different. This time it not only fell, but it started to roll

It had somehow jumped the little enclosure and slipped the bonds

Im still pretty chill at this point. The whole center is surrounded by a fence where could it possibily go I’ll just go get it when it hits the fence right?

Wrong.

Because I was dealing with an escape artist ok what happens next had nothing to do with me

See off in one corner we had this pile of manure right near the fence. 

This tree my little Houdini was chugging towards it at full speed, those little leaves were like sails it was just a’cruisin down aisles of bricks. It’s fine tho it’ll hit the manue and–

It hit the manure alright

It rolled up the manure pile 

and over the fence

So now The Little Tree That Could was barreling around on the highway like a phsychotic leafy bat out of hell

My first thought is if that hits someone im so fired

I scream and drop the hose and begin my pursuit because I am not getting fired over an apple tree ok no sire im going down with my dignity

So i do the only logial thing in my head

Most people would run through the open get four feet behind them and calmly make their way to the highway. Not me

I sprinted across the compound, scrambled up the manue pile, and vaulted the fence

For one glorious moment I thought I could fly.

And then I plunged downwards with a very undignified squeal.

Still I splash down into the ditch and prepare to make my heroic capture

Problem: I had just landed chest deep in slough.

For those of you lucky souls who don’t know what a slough is let me explain

A slough is what happens when stagnat water, cow crap, cow piss, and crop fertilizer mix and heat up in the sun. Doesn’t smell good.

And I just landed chest deep in the stuff. Gross doesn’t even begin to cover it

But being the trooper I am i decide I’m going to end this day on a high note and salvage my dignity

I heave myself out of the slough and take off after the tree which is dancing around the thankfully empty highway

Just one issue: Plough Winds tend to change direction

So there I am chasing this freaking apple tree around in circles and it’s winning ok every time I get close to grabbing the trunk of branch the wind throws it in another direction leaving me stumbling like a drunk moose as I try to adjust course 

This goes on for a solid twenty minutes

I’m back and forth across this highway cursing enough to make a sailor blush

And then victory is in sight my fingers graze the trunk and–

the wind stops

The base of the tree is so heavy with water that It sits straight up and whacks me across the face harder than Dwayne Johnson ever could

My momentum throws me forward, my foot catches the pot

and I sail head first into the next slough

I am now covered in disgusting, thick, sticky water and that tree is just taunting me on the road

Eventually I manage to snag the little jerk and I start dragging it back towards the compound like oh yeah who the boss? i’m the boss i caught the tree 

Just as I see  two more trees making a break for it over the fence

It was a long end of shift to say the least

I had a black eye from that tree for a week and a lovely bleeding cut on my forehead. But i caught it and I am still proud of that to this day

One of the local meteorologists posted this picture of Irma and Andrew.

That’s to scale. To. Fucking. Scale.

I know a lot of you aren’t old enough to remember how hard Andrew fucked South FL, but Andrew fucking WRECKED shit down there.

The good news is that it’s currently predicted to make landfall as a 4 instead of a 5. As far as Orlando goes, it’s supposed to be a 3 when it gets here, which puts it in the same league as Charley. It still fucked shit up, and people were without power for ridiculous amounts of time, but not as bad as it *could* be (knock on wood).

The bad news is that it’s still a gigantic fucking storm, and it’s going to run right up the center of the goddamned state.

All potential hatches are battened down, there’s food and water for people and pets in the house, the weather radio is charging, there’s just a few loose ends to take care of before bracing for impact.

To all my FL/Southeast friends, followers, and mutuals: Stay safe out there. I love you all. It’s gonna be nasty, but we’ll get through it.

anonymous asked:

Something more from divorcee au please??? my family is starving the crops are dying

You know I stop working on everything else to update this right lol


Tony heard a knock on the door and froze, unconsciously clutching Peter tighter to his chest. He’d just—just recently gotten a vile voicemail from Stone saying he was coming for Peter. Tony had, of course, sent the voicemail to Pepper who had passed it on to Natasha, but then Natasha had called him with an ominous, ‘Batten down the hatches, Tony,’ and he’d been a nervous wreck all day. And now someone was here.

“Daddy, huwts!” Peter whined.

Tony gasped quietly and loosened his grip. “Sorry, Petie-Pie.” He pressed a few kisses to his cheek for good measure, and the toddler giggled reluctantly. Tony looked around nervously as the knock came again. “I’m—I’m coming, just a second!” Spying the closet, he hurried toward it. “Okay, Peter, you know how we talked about how bad people might be coming after us?”

His heart broke when Peter’s face went from a reluctant smile to a furrowed brow and frown. “I gotta hide and be quiet.”

“Quiet as a mouse,” Tony agreed, opening the door and carefully setting him on the floor. “And what do you do if someone who isn’t me finds you?”

“I scweam.”

“You scream so loud,” Tony said as Peter crawled to the back of the closet. “And then you keep screaming. I’m going to leave the door open a crack, honey. Remember, be quiet!”

Peter nodded and covered his mouth with both hands. It killed Tony a little to close the door on his face until the tiniest sliver of light caught his eye. Peter should have never had to deal with this, have to be taught to be quiet and hide because someone might come and take him against his and Tony’s wills.

The knock came a third time, and Tony took a shuddering breath before he went to get it. His heart leapt into his throat when he found a tall, broad man standing on the stoop, face set in a scowl. He looked like he could tie Tony into a pretzel and then throw him across a football field. Tony wished he’d thought to grab his gun before he’d answered the door.

“These are for you,” the man said gruffly, shoving a plate at him.

Tony had no choice but to grab them. Well, at least he could use the plate as a weapon now. “I—Oh, cookies. Um. Thank you.” Maybe this guy wasn’t a thug.

“Gluten, egg, and nut free,” the man grunted.

Tony frowned. Maybe this man was a thug and was actually trying to kill him via bland food. “You just sucked all the fun out of these cookies.”

“Steve didn’t know if Peter had allergies,” the man grunted.

Tony stared at him, confused. Then it hit him—Steve. Rhodey’s hot blond neighbor. And this—this must be Steve’s grumpy boyfriend. It figured that Steve’s boyfriend would be equally attractive. What had Steve said his name was? Something kinda dumb, if Tony was being honest.

“I’m Bucky,” the man said, thrusting his hand at him.

Tony took it mostly on instinct. Right. Bucky. What an awful name. “I’m Tony. Oh!” He shoved the plate back at Bucky and rushed back over to the closet, pulling the door open hurriedly. “Peter, it’s alright. It’s just one of our neighbors.”

Peter wiped at his eyes and sniffled a little before holding his arms out to him. Tony plucked him up and clutched him to his chest, running a hand up and down his back and murmuring apologies.

Once Peter had calmed down, Tony turned, embarrassed. Bucky looked like he’d swallowed a lemon. “Sorry.”

“Jesus,” Bucky said, appalled, and Tony flinched a little. “I just—No wonder Natasha hired me.”

Tony blinked at him. “What.”

“Natasha, your lawyer?” Bucky replied, raising an eyebrow. “She hired me to protect you.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “Natasha didn’t tell me anything about you.”

“Yeah, that mighta been a secret,” Bucky said after a pause. “But man—you have your kid hiding in the closet in case someone comes after you. No wonder she texted me and told me to introduce myself to you.”

Tony stared at him warily, unable to help his disbelief. Why hadn’t Natasha told him about Bucky? Why hadn’t Steve?

“Listen,” Bucky sighed, rolling his eyes. “I can prove it. I’ll call Natasha and put it on speakerphone.”

“Auntie ‘tash!” Peter exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

Tony sputtered. “Wha—Peter, not every woman named Natasha is going to be your aunt!”

“What,” came Natasha’s sharp voice through the phone.

“Except this time she is,” Tony added, confused, as Peter cheered.

“Tony? Peter? Bucky what the—” There was a cough as Natasha caught herself. “…heck. I said introduce yourself to Tony, not spill that I hired you to be his long-distance bodyguard.”

“He had his kid in the closet,” Bucky replied, and Tony fought the urge to wilt. He wasn’t sorry for trying to protect his son, even if it sounded bad.

“Auntie ‘tash!” Peter exclaimed, leaning toward the phone, and Bucky gamely held the phone closer to him. “Auntie ‘tash, I was reawy quiet! As a mouse!”

Natasha’s voice softened into a deep, sweet coo. “Did you, darling? I’m so proud of you. You’re a good boy to listen to your daddy.”

Peter blushed and covered his face.

“Aw,” Tony said, smiling reluctantly. “What do we say when people compliment us baby?”

“Thank you,” Peter mumbled, embarrassed.

“Well,” Natasha said after a moment. “I wanted Bucky’s involvement to be secret for a while so he wouldn’t spook you or anything, but…” She sighed. “But I guess Stone spooked you more. Listen, Bucky’s good. He’s great. He hasn’t failed me yet and he’s not going to fail me now.”

“Yeah?” Tony asked skeptically.

“I’ll kill him myself if he fails,” Natasha told him seriously.

Tony stared at the phone. “…I think you’re a mafia don,” he decided.

Natasha snorted. “You always think I’m a mafia don. I’m not. I don’t have time to rule the criminal underworld.”

“It frightens me that that is the only reason why,” Tony admitted.

“Listen, I have a client meeting that started a few minutes ago. I should probably get to them since they’re paying me. If Stone leaves you anymore voicemails, send them to me,” she ordered sternly. “Especially if they’re threatening like the last one. Worst case scenario, I move in with you guys and commute.”

“Yaaaay!” Peter crowed, flailing. “Auntie ‘tash!”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, зайчик?” Natasha cooed. “Once this big dumb trial is over, I’m taking you and your daddy out on a picnic and stuffing you with sweets.”

Tony’s groan could just barely be heard under Peter’s cheering.

“Take care of them, Barnes, or I’m going to skin you alive,” Natasha added cheerfully.

Tony was appalled, but Bucky didn’t look fazed in the slightest.

“G’bye,” Bucky said, then hung up, and then thrust the plate of cookies at them again. “Please don’t make me eat these.”

“I don’t want them!” Tony exclaimed, before his manners caught up with him.

Peter grabbed two cookies and jammed one into his mouth. Then he let out a disgusted ‘bleh!’ and spit it out, dropping the other to the floor. He looked up at Bucky, betrayed.

“It’s not my fault!” Bucky defended immediately. “Steve didn’t want me to kill you with allergens!”

“You’ve made sad disks is what you’ve done,” Tony said, the corner of his lip quirking up. He took a cookie just so Bucky would stop looking so constipated and bit into it. “…This is the driest shit I’ve ever tasted.”

“The batter was awful, too,” Bucky admitted. He stared at the plate of cookies before turning it over, watching them fall to the ground. “Oh no, I’ve dropped them.”

Tony covered his mouth to hide his smile.

Peter pointed at him accusingly. “You did that on puwpose!”

Bucky seemed to ponder this. “…Yeah, but they tasted like dirt anyway.”

Peter pointed at him a moment longer before letting his hand fall, conceding reluctantly.

Bucky stared at him for a long time before he asked, “Do you have any allergies?”

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it when he realized he was talking to Peter. When Peter looked up at him unsurely, he quietly said, “You know your no-no foods, Peter.”

Peter nodded sharply and turned back to Bucky. “Twee nuts.”

“Tree nuts?” Bucky’s brow furrowed. “Glad I didn’t make peanut butter cookies then.”

“Oh, he can have peanut butter,” Tony cut in, bouncing Peter so he’d laugh, and smiling when Peter let out a happy shriek. “Peanuts are a ground nut. He can’t have nuts like walnuts, almonds, pecans. Can’t have pine nuts either. I tell you, my mother rolled over in her grave when I adopted a kid that can’t eat pesto.”

“Pwesto!” Peter exclaimed, throwing his hands up, then patted at Tony’s face. “Down, Daddy! Down!”

“Okay, okay,” Tony said, setting him down, and watched as Peter toddled off to the coffee table to continue their puzzle. Once sure that he was occupied, Tony turned back to Bucky, belatedly adding, “Oh, uh, did—did you wanna come inside?”

Bucky looked down at the cookies on the floor, then back up at him. “No.”

“Alright.” Tony stared up at him for a moment before he asked, “Are you really as good as Natasha thinks?”

“I taught her everything she knows,” Bucky began, then stopped himself. “I taught her most of the things she knows. The rest she developed to kill me and take my power.”

Tony giggled reluctantly. “That’s awful.”

“Well, she’s a lawyer.” Bucky fiddled with the plate, frowning down at his shoes, before looking back up at him. “Listen, I just—I want you to know, I’ve got your back. I’ve done this for years, even worked for Rumlow for a while, so I know what to expect from him. I’m gonna take care of you guys.” He glanced at Peter, turning the plate in circles in his hands. “You won’t have to hide your kid in a closet ever again.”

Tony flinched and turned to look at Peter again. Normal kids didn’t have to learn how to hide and be very quiet. Normal kids didn’t have to worry about someone other than their daddy grabbing them and taking them away. Peter deserved better. And he didn’t even know it.

“Hey,” Bucky said quietly. “You’re protecting your kid. I’m gonna protect both of you.” He reached out his hand, and Tony held his out dumbly, jumping when something cold was pressed to his palm. “You think you’re in immediate danger, you come over to hide. It’ll buy you some time. Steve knows and he’s ready for you. He stays home most days anyway. Okay?”

Tony stared at the key in his hand, then curled his trembling fingers over it. Who knew that when he’d served Tiberius with divorce papers, he’d have to go hide in his best friend’s neighbors’ house? God, he wished he could just go back and change everything.

“Hey,” Bucky said, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. As bad as this may sound, you’re not he first guy whose spouse is a complete psycho. I’ve worked a lot of these types o’ cases.”

That did make him feel better, in a strange way. Sometimes Tony felt like he was the crazy one, with the way Tiberius treated him, like he somehow deserved it. Logically, he knew that that wasn’t the case. He’d—he’d suffered a lot of gaslighting in the relationship. His therapist said so. (And it hurt to know that he’d needed a therapist to get away from Tiberius; that his therapist might need to testify on his behalf. He felt so weak, that he’d needed someone to tell him ‘you don’t deserve to be hit, Tony.’)

“I’ve got your back,” Bucky repeated, patting his shoulder, then turned to leave.

Tony sniffed and hurriedly wiped a tear from his cheek. “I hope—” He cleared his throat. “I hope you don’t have too many of those awful cookies left.”

Bucky looked pained. “I’m gonna make Stevie eat ‘em.”

Tony couldn’t help a laugh at the image that came to mind of Steve trying to choke down those dry-ass cookies.

Development of Celeb Crushes
  • Me: Wow what a classically beautiful person.
  • Brain: Uh-oh...
  • Me: No it's fine, they're not my type. Ha. I can appreciate a beautiful person without having to watch their entire back catalogue of work y'know.
  • Brain: You don't have time for this!
  • Me: Relax, it's just one film.
  • Brain: It's one film now, but then there's the three hours of Google Image Searches afterwards!
  • Me: Nonsense! I just want to make sure I'm immune.
  • Brain: Oh boy...
  • Me: It's fine. I can look at them and feel nothing.
  • Brain: ???
  • Me: I feel nothing.
  • Brain: Why have you spent 45 minutes looking at their pictures?
  • Me: I feel nothing.
  • Brain: You're imagining lazy Sunday morning cuddles with you as the little spoon! This is it. You're gone.
  • Me: I feel nothing. Maybe I am incapable of love now.
  • Brain: *eyeroll* Batten down the hatches, lads, she's gonna go - in three... two... one...
  • Me: Shit!
  • Brain: Here we go!
  • Me: They really are beautiful! Like oh my god look at them it's like they were carved by angels!!! Oh no no no no no!!! Not this! This can't be happening! Oh no! I thought I was immune! Why you play me this way, Brain?! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE?!?!?
  • Brain: *facepalm*
Of Women and Winchesters

A/N: Okay, so I was gonna try to write this angsty sister fic, but it turned into this little drabble. It’s a little longer than I expected, but still a not as long as my usual fics. I apologize if you don’t find it as funny as me, but I do have  weird sense of humor. So…tell me what you think and all that good stuff

Warnings: Language (Inappropriate), Mentions of Sexy Times, Slightly Drunk Reader, Terribly Funny (Or Terribly Not Funny…), Slight sexual spoilers from the show I guess…let me know if I missed anything

Let me know if you wanna be tagged in anything by sending a message or an ask

Word Count: 902

Sam x sister!reader (Twins)

Dean x sister!reader

I face claim Sophia Bush as Sam’s twin because this (but of course imagine yourself or whoever you want)

Masterlist

Originally posted by ice-eternity

Another week, another successful hunt. There were after all perks to being the best hunters in the business. It had been a fairly simple one. Some vengeful spirit haunting a small town bookstore. Something that Dean hadn’t stopped bugging Sam about since you hit the road.

“You say books aren’t evil? I beg to differ! That damn spirit almost took me out with a book about pregnancy. What To Expect When You’re Expecting or some crap.”

“Bet you weren’t expecting that.” You mumble from the back seat of the beloved impala.

“What was that?” Dean glares at you through the rear-view.

Keep reading

I said I’d post this 100 years ago but I never could record it quite right…

A rough fan song for the Pricefield ship from Life Is Strange. It sort of became a larger personal/political piece as well. Got a lot of feelings out on this one. 

Enjoy. <3

~

Inevitably you in blue and me
we are young and chlorinated
laughing as we flee security
this feels safe and free and fated

unaware that there are bones among the weeds
lying underneath your posters
and dressing in your missing girlfriend’s tees
I’m the picture of a poser

but I’m not anybody’s muse of purity
and you’re no problem child or cautionary tale
and I’m not innocent and you’re not guilty
but we’ll both be punished by the howling wind and hail

before this ends
the world is not a friend to girls in love
and I keep trying to rewind
but the world’s not kind to girls in love

they pin our wings and keep us under glass
try to understand our beauty
say they have to see us after class
it’s a privilege and our duty

but they will never know what we possess
strange attractors, we are fractal
and with Schrodinger’s devotion in my chest
I’m a quantum chain reactor

and you’re not venison to be consumed
and I am not some armless marble carving to admire
and we are not red roses to be cut before we bloom
and we are not the virgin victims for their sacrificial fire

to the gods
against all odds, we’re girls in love
and the storm is on it’s way
cause the world’s not made for girls in love

so batten down the hatches, arm the canons, grab your cutlass, set the compass,
we are sailing for a future where there’s gentleness and justice
you wont have to fight, or pay a price, or pray you gave enough
and the lighthouse always shines

for girls in love
for girls in love

~

Made with SoundCloud
I'm just saying....

We’re all worried but maybe @therealjacksepticeye is just taking a break right now. Switched his phone off, shut down his computer, pulled the curtains & just battened down the hatches. He’s our hero but he’s also A HUMAN. He’s our superman but he’s also A PERSON I’m sure if he is looking at this he appreciates all our support & loves us all but maybe we should just give the guy some space. He’ll be back when he’s ready. Or when he’s hungry.

Originally posted by jacksepticeyegifs