batshit

But seriously tho, on the topic of temperatures we can survive and stuff, aliens would flip the heck out if they lived where i do.

I live in a part of southern Canada that gets so cold that being outside for more than 2 minutes means you have a good chance of getting frost bite.

My room has two outside walls, and is very well insulated. In the winter i get frost on the inside of my walls and i couldnt give two shits. I sleep with the exact same blankets i do in the summer.

Like you see all these things about Australia, or rainforests, or Florida, and how extreme they are.

But id like to see aliens take on a candian hosehead. They’re like red necks, but with more crazy stunts, more beer, and more guns. Like can you imagine???

Alien: ah yes a nice cool region this will do nicely for the invasian

Human: *careens off building on a ski doo towing another man on a toboggan, hollering about how he left his beer at the lodge*

Alien: well perhaps the local species are a bit strange, but mostly harmless! After all, this species of humans “can-ayy-dee-ins” are known throughout this planet as kind and docile, we shall have no difficu-SMACK- HOLY GILSNIP YOU HIT ME WITH A PEICE OF ICE YOU PRIES FROM THE LAKE AND NOW IM BLEEDING HOW DARE YOU FEEL MY WRATH

Humans: WEEEE HEEEHEHEEEEE you came to the wrong neighbour hood, bud!

Alien:…. my scans say you are heavily intoxicated. This shall be a easy fight

Human: *whistles loudly and gives a big toothy smile*

Alien: starts screaming as another human on a sled heads a MASSIVE HEARD OF WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEAST ITS FURY AND IT HAS BEEN HORNS GREAT GILSNAP GET ME OUT OF HERE

Humans: high fiving as they climb on their sleds and chase after their herd of buffalo because that will take a while but it was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT DID YOU SEE THAT ALIENS FACE GET REKT

I hate it when people criticize me for being in fandoms and being a little bit enthusiastic about them

I mean, dude, you get batshit crazy for a bunch of people running after a ball. Literally. You spend hundreds in shirts and caps and you get into real fights because of it.

Like seriously shut up

Please stop praising Taylor Swift for “reclaiming the snake”.

She got caught out in several lies and STILL continued to play the victim (don’t even get me started on how she’s played into the innocent white female narrative) - something she’s built her whole damn career on.

What she’s doing by “reclaiming the snake” is pretty much saying she has nothing to apologise for. And YET AGAIN making herself out to be someone to be pitied and to rally behind because she’s so brave and she’s the underdog. It’s frustrating and embarrassing and the fact that she’s STILL using this whole narrative just shows that she hasn’t learned anything.

DM: So your party encounters a gray slime.
Me: a slime, huh?
Cleric: Like— like… a slime?
Knight: *brief pause* I swim in it.
DM: Uh. Okay, so you swim in it. It starts to envelop you a little.
Knight: Oh, uh. I get out.
DM: Strength check.
Knight: 15?
DM: Yeah, that’s good. You, you get out of the slime but not without having some of it stick to you. It’s kind of gross.
Knight: Well I—
Me, at the top of my lungs: I FLIRT WITH THE SLIME!!!!!!
DM: You what? Wh— okay, you know what? Roll. I’ll allow it.

(I roll a nat 20. Everyone at the table goes batshit insane)

DM: The slime takes on a humanoid shape, gets down on one knee, and proposes. What do you say?

Me, sweating nervously: Um. I say yes?

DM: congratulations. You’re fifteen and engaged to a slime.

3

It seems that way, doesn’t it?

Jumps, Explained

So, going by the tags on my recent jump gifsets, the difference between jumps is apparently still a source of great bewilderment for some people. Now I could link you to some excellent posts on the topic, but since I am, as usual, an extra lil piece of dirt with too much work to do and a lifetime’s worth of procrastination, I’ve decided to put together my own layman’s guide to identifying figure skating jumps (stressed on the layman part).

First, here be a flowchart, since everybody loves flowcharts, right?

If the flowchart works as intended and you can now tell the jumps apart, great! If you need a bit more explanation and illustration, read on.

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matt and lance are the Memes™ of team voltron, but they have different styles of humor. matt is a classic punmaster. the thing is, he also makes a shitton of anime jokes, so he basically has the humor of the child of middle schooler, a minecraft youtuber, and a dad, all mixed together by the devil himself. lance, on the other hand, is a like class clown. he likes to joke about batshit situations voltron is in, and, occasionally, he complains about how no one ever listens to him but in like…a lighthearted way? sometimes he makes self deprecating jokes. together, they are a force to be reckoned with. shiro gets a headache every time they’re in a room with each other.

things you should know about kaz brekker
  • his real name is kaz rietveld but he changed it to brekker when he saw this on a piece of machinery because he thought it sounds badass
  • he broke his leg but instead of letting it heal properly he was like “ah whatever” and then he got himself a cane with which he could probably smash skulls of his enemies
  • at 14 he had a crush on a girl named imogen but he would punch anyone who would dare to say that kaz brekker ever had Feelings™
  • he also had a brother, jordie, but he died
  • so kaz spent god knows how long plotting the Perfect Revenge and it was so good that the man who conned his brother didn’t even know what hit him, pekka was done did dead (not actually but y’know)
  • encourages rumors that he may be an actual demon (i mean im sure matthias wanted to exorcise the demjin at one point tbh)
  • probably started the rumor by disguising himself as someone else and telling people scary (and obviously made up) stories about THE kaz brekker because he’s Extra
  • he dresses in suits because he’s totally Not a thief, he’s a Businessman
  • he hates skin to skin contact which is why he always wears gloves
  • but he doesn’t mind taking them off around inej (or taking his shirt off and cleaning himself in front of her if we’re at this point)
  • he’s really good at maths (he probably threatened some poor soul into tutoring him but in a way that no one would know he actually needed tutoring because he’s THE kaz brekker and he was born smart)
  • practices magic so he can cheat even more
  • the boy would single-handedly break into fort knox
  • he would do literally anything for 30 million kruge (selling his soul included [he probably already did that tho])
  • i’m pretty sure kaz thinks he doesn’t need oxygen as long as he has the money
  • owns like 89 fancy hats
  • treats jesper like his brother and calls him “jes” because jesper’s father did that
  • says he only keeps wylan as a bait but at one point he adopts him even if he doesn’t know this
  • probably writes poems about inej’s laugh
  • goes batshit crazy after inej is injured, tortures and throws a guy who hurt her to the sea but then doesn’t speak to inej for 2 days
  • and when he finally does it’s to discuss money, Romantic™
  • man he loves inej so much but he suppresses the hell out of this
  • he’s obsessed with crows; he has a crow tattoo, he feeds crows, he knows everything about them, he probably talks to them like they’re his kids
  • he’s Not Bothered™ but then he says shit like “i’d crawl to you” or “she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved”
  • he’s a big softie for inej
  • honestly he acts like he doesn’t care but he would probably die for inej, nina and jesper
  • but also he’s an asshole and a control freak and he doesn’t even deny that
  • jesper probably shouts “you put cute in execute” whenever kaz kills someone
  • he never smiles
  • and he certainly Did Not Smile when he saw inej, wylan and jesper coming to his rescue in a freaking tank
  • (he did)
  • Me: has mild ADHD
  • Doctor: take these regularly and come to appointments on time
  • Me: barely affects me I'm cool I can totes so this
  • Also me: constantly forgets and turns up late for appointments
  • 🙃
post-emoji movie Trauma

WARNING: the following text contains spoilers and can be considered disturbing to some readers. especially my brain, because it’s leaking out my ears after typing this.

This is the first movie ever I’ve gone to see on opening night. And let me just say that, for the record, I’m glad I went to watch with friends. Without them, I would have most likely calmly exited the room, climbed up to the roof, and dived straight off.

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I’m way too late to the party

But since humans are super hard to kill and try to be friends with everything, a common unspoken rule in space is that if a human is afraid, you better be pissing yourself in fear.

So the crew hears a scream from the quarters, and a crew member rushes to see what’s happening.

“Human Jane, what’s the problem? Are you hurt!?”

and she just fukin shrieks “SPIDERRRRRRR!!!!!” and everyone goes batshit insane and spiders are cataloged as extremely dangerous death creatures.

But then on another ship, a human crew member asks if they can bring a small pet, and it is approved as long as the human can prove that it’s not dangerous.

So they pull like a tarantula out of its little cage and let it crawl all over them and the other crew members stare in horror as the human just pets their eight-legged death beast and coos at it like a baby.