batman headcanon

Batman: *Ominously* I work alone

Batman: *muffled movement, yelling, growling and screams of pain from inside his large cape*

Jason: *from inside the cape* Jesus fucking Christ this kid’s an animal!!!

Dick: *inside the cape* Damian!! NO! WE DON’T BITE TIM!!

Tim: *also inside the cape* HE DREW BLOOD! I’VE GOT RABIES B! B! I HAVE RABIES!!

Justice league: ……


Damian: *pops his head out of the cape* Father! I demand you tell Drake to fight me like a man!!

I live for Bruce totally brushing off shit-bag reporters who try to bring up his parent’s to get a reaction from him for their story.

“Mr Wayne? What do you think your parents would say about this fundraiser, if they were still alive? Do you think they’d be proud of you?”

“They would probably say that the line for the desserts is looking particularly short right now” and he just…. walks away and grabs some ice cream. There he goes

Pet owner life ft Damian Wayne

1) Poop bags, poop bags everywhere, in every pocket of every coat and jacket that Damian owns. It’s like the magic hankercheifl trick, you pull one out and they all start coming.

2) He once performed CPR on a Goldfish, Mr Gold recovered with no outward signs of damage and lived a long and happy life.

3) He trained Alfred the cat to throw up hairballs on Tim’s bed. And then outside of his bedroom door once Tim figured Damian out and started keeping his door locked 24/7.

4) Brushie brushie with all of his animals

5) Has a strict diet of natural ingredient pet food which he feeds all the animals with and he does not appreciate anybody sneaking human food to the pets, Bruce is the worst offender of this crime.

6) “Father, I have found a stray” *holds up the ugliest looking dog ever* “I wish to keep him and call him Drake”

7) “What are you eating? OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING?” “Come back here with whatever you’re eating!!” “ Do not think you can fool me by ceasing your chewing. I know you’re still eating it. Open your mouth. OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH”

8) Damian abruptly waking up because Alfred the cat sat on his face and tried to smother him to death in his sleep

9) Phone memory is mostly full because of all his pet pictures and videos

10) Alfred: MRROOOWW Damian: You are a filthy liar Mr Pennyworth I have already fed you

11) Damian: *Trying to walk casually through the Batcave with a small army of ducklings waddling and quacking loudly behind him* Bruce:… Damian? Damian: They imprinted on me, I am their mother now.

Dick likes to perch.

Like, aside from playing on rooftops at night, he’ll sit on the back of the couch instead of actually sitting on it. Or he sits on tables instead of chairs, and on counters when he’s talking to Alfred. Thank God all the furniture in the Manor are expensive, quality wood because he’s been climbing on those since he first started living there, and being in his mid-twenties has not stopped him from bickering with Bruce from atop the dresser.

He loves sitting on the railings, or sliding down them instead of just using the stairs. He nearly collided with Bruce once, who hadn’t thought to look for a 12 year old boy barreling down a railing as fast as he could.

(Alfred always checks. Dick was not the first child in the Manor to slide down the railings too fast)

Tim once caught Dick eating takeout on top of the giant T-rex’s head.

(“We have a table! And nice chairs! Why are you eating on the dinosaur?”

Dick shrugs)

You can’t tell me that there aren’t conspiracy theories galore about Bruce Wayne being The Batman and you can’t tell me that his kids don’t fuel them like their life depends on it

•Tim has an entire fucking page dedicated to it

•"I found this sitting on the kitchen table this morning" *pulls out batarang*

•*a picture of what looks like a cape hanging off the back of the couch on Dick’s Instagram page* “mighty suspicious”

•"now that you mention it, Father is rarely home on nights batman is patrolling"

•"all I’m saying is that those old mine shafts go under the house"

•"you know, Jason did go missing right around the time Robin went missing" “it’s true. I could have been Robin and not remember it. Would explain the scars”

•"When Bruce is yelling it sounds a lot like Batman’s voice. It’s pretty freaky"

•*snapchat videos of what appears to be a super grainy batman entering the manor*

•"have you seen Alfred’s car? It’s totally the batmobile"

•"listen Linda, Bruce is the CEO of a technology company. One of the only company’s that has the same tech as batman" “he is always placing weird orders” “see, Damian knows”

•"I saw a bunch of bats fly out of the chimney this morning when I was coming home"

•*super bad candid of Bruce* “loOK HE TOTALLY HAS THE SAME FUCK OFF FACE AS BATMAN”

•*really detailed side by side comparisons of Bruce and Batman on Tims facebook*

•*super bad quality Snapchat video* “Alfred, is Bruce batman?” “Master Dick, you know the answer to that”

•"Bruce Wayne is rich as fuck what more do you need"

•"he had a grappling hook in his pants pocket once"

•"he’s always disappearing during galas right before batman shows up. Have you ever noticed that?“

•"the amount of sick days he uses is mighty suspicious” *side eyes Bruce*

•*video of Bruce coming into the kitchen at 4 in the morning looking like absolute shit* “where have you been young man?” “Fuck off Jason” “oh, so you can say fuck but I can’t–” “Jason I will throw this at you” “do it you coward–” *a scream and a crash as the phone falls as a metal object goes past Jason’s head*

•a shit ton of super blurry photos of things that look like Batman’s gadgets and costume keep popping up on the kids Instagram and twitter accounts

•"hey, look at this mask I found"

•Clark is getting a little concerned

“Don’t you think you should stop them?”

•Bruce just sighs

-  I like to think Bruce Wayne explains every single one of his injuries as “hurt myself shaving”

- “How’d you break your arm?” 
“Oh, it was a shaving accident” 

- It’s just not something you respond to with an accusation, you know? Most people would take it as playboy Bruce thinkin’ he’s funny 

- (And he really does think he’s funny)

- Meanwhile Dick Grayson comes up these crazy elaborate stories that always somehow hold a little bit of truth

- Jason just says exactly what happened but gives it no context

- “Hey man, what’d you to do your ankle?”
“Fell off a roof.” 
“Yeah. It wasn’t fun.” 

- Tim routinely forgets to think up a story and ends up improvising some crazy shit on the spot like “My arm? Oh, well, see, I was working my internship at Wayne tower and some guy broke in so I-” 

- One time at a gala someone asked Alfred why he had a leg brace and without really thinking he said “I was kidnapped” (an occurrence which, previously, had been kept secret) 

- Cue Bruce and Al improvising an entire story for the press. It goes off flawlessly

- Damian very bluntly says EXACTLY what happened but no one ever believes him and he loves it 

- “I dislocated my shoulder while fighting one of Nigma’s goons” 
“Aww he’s got a sense of humor just like his father’s!”

-  “How’d you mess up your knee, Cass?” 
[Cass nonchalantly shrugs] 

- Steph just blows off the questions in increasingly amusing ways 

- “What happened to your arm?”
[Gestures at cast] “What did you do?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Dick Grayson is a Goddamn Dork™ ACTUAL CANONS

1. The discowing suit. I mean, really?

2. Canonically was responsible for naming the batarangs, the Batmobile, and probably every other bat- thing in the cave.

3. Continued to defend those choices, even as Batman. “That’s a stupid name.” “You mean *awesome*.”

4. Little kid tries to punch him (as a cop!) and he responded by saying, “you’re throwing a punch wrong. Here, hit me again, like this”

5. Built an entire secret room in his apartment for vigilante purposes, still leaves his Nightwing suit in a heap on the ground next to his bed where Goddamn anyone can see it

6. Puts his fingers up by his head so that thugs who see his shadow will think he’s Batman

7. When deciding what to call his new a batarang equipment, unironically decided to call them “wing-dings”

8. Is honestly flattered when supervillains compliment his butt


10. Does not bother to park the Batwing or even bring it low, flings himself out of it from 1,000 feet up because *aesthetic*

Halloween at Wayne Manor
  • Every kid in Gotham knows to hit up Wayne Manor on Halloween, they give you MULTIPLE REGULAR SIZED CANDY BARS!! none of this fun-size shit
  • They also have a separate bucket of small toys for children with complex food allergies 

  • Best decorations in town, it’s go hard or go home and Bruce never backs down from a challenge, cobwebs everywhere, GHOSTS! mother fukcing PUMPKINS!!!
  • Bruce isn’t allowed to answer the door because he lets all the kids dressed up as Batfam and Wonder Woman have as much candy as they want and gives dental floss to those dressed as clowns, also kids dressed as Superman but he’ll deny it
  • Damian:*Carves a pumpkin with a really ugly face* Drake! come at once! Tim: *Sigh* what? Damian:*Smirks and turns the pumpkin to face Tim* it’s you
  • Food fight in the kitchen with the scooped out pumpkin flesh
  • Almost everyone wears costumes to make Dick happy
  • Dick once forced Damian into a child’s Batman costume, Damian was outraged by the plastic Batarangs, Bruce totally didn’t have tears in his eyes fuck you
  • Jason never wears a costume no matter how hard Dick pouts at him, this leads to an array of replies when people ask why he’s not in costume e.g “My muscles are too big to fit in any costume” “I’m dressed as a sinner” “I’m dressed up as a serial killer. They look like everybody else” “I’m dressed as the miracle of life” “a pumpkin killed my parents, how dare you”
  • Tim once dressed as a Ghostbuster and wouldn’t stop trying to hoover up Jason and Damian
  • Stephanie and Cassandra always dress in matching or related costumes, it’s super fucking cute 
  • Dick: Where’s your outfit, Alfred?? Alfred: *pulls out a pair of rabbit ears and places them on his head* I am a bunny Master Grayson. Hop. Hop
  • Barbara dresses as a mermaid which AmAZES!! all the kids, cause it totally makes sense!!! her red hair which means she’s related to Ariel #kidlogic
  • Dick:*Dressed as Dracula* I want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!! Jason: You can suck my di- Bruce: LANGUAGE!!
  • Batcow, Titus, Alfred the cat, and Goliath all have home made costumes made by Damian
  • Dick always gets sick from eating the most candy, he says he’s doing it to save everyone else from having cavities, he’s a dirty liar
  • Tim: *Walks around Walmart pointing to decorations* Spoopy
  • Jason: Raisins!??? RAISINS?? who the hell gives raisins on Halloween Bruce??? Monsters that’s who
  • Little kid: *See’s Jason as Red Hood on Halloween* what are you meant to be mr? Jason: I’m a used tampon Others: *through the comms* JASON!!!

A compilation of 10 Of the batclans best snapchats

1.[the video is shakey as it zooms in on the top of Wayne Tower. Riddler comes into focus first, then Robin. Riddler is holding Robin by the ankle off the roof]


Red Robin and Red Hood: DO A FLIP

2.[a video of Nightwing taken by Batgirl. They’re in a red light district, and you can faintly hear the cha-cha slide coming from the building they’re next to. Nightwing is dancing along perfectly]

3.[a picture of Robin, holding a baby robin. The caption reads “he’s trying to figure out how to sneak it into the bat cave”]

3.5.[a second picture posted shortly after. It is blurry, but you can vaguely make out the shapes of Robin and Batman. The caption reads “he found out”]

4.[a video of Red Hood and Blackbat signing frantically in ASL. The camera flips to Red Robin]

Red Robin: they’re arguing about which pizza rolls are the best

Batman, from off Camera: where the hell do they even get pizza rolls? Agent A sure as hell doesn’t let them in the house—

5.Nightwing: I dare you to jump off the roof without your grapple

[Red Hood starts sprinting to the edge of the roof. They are on one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. The camera shakes as Nightwing runs after Red Hood]

Nightwing: No wait I diDNT FUCKING MEAN IT HOOD—

5.5[a super bad candid of Batman and Red Hood and Nightwing. The camera is tilted as if someone is trying to hide it. The caption reads “this has been going on for 20 min”]

Batman: —ell would you think that’s a good idea—

Red Hood: —if you should be yelling at anyone it should be nightwing—

Nightwing: —don’t drag me into this!

[snickers are heard off camera]

Batman: Im dragging both of you into this! Why on earth would you dare your brother to jump off the roof when you know damn well he’ll do it?!

Red Hood: yeah—

Batman: oh don’t you even start Hood—

6.[a picture of Red Robin and Superboy mid fall. It is unclear where they fell from. The caption reads “they were watching buzzfeed unsolved and got scared by a pigeon”]

7.[the camera opens and quickly zooms in on Batman. He looks annoyed. There is a low chanting of “money in the jar” coming from off camera]

Batman: ‘crap’ is not a fucking swear word—

8.[a picture of Robin curled up against Black Bat. She looks surprisingly fond. The caption reads “he fell asleep durning the stake out”]

9:[a shakey Video of Red Hood. He’s fighting off at least six people while singing in a rather nice sounding baritone range. The caption reads “once a theater kid always a theater kid”]


[red hood fires a gun]


10:[a video of Red Robin and Signal. They’re sitting on a roof, sharing several tacos.]

Signal: why do you call yourself Red Robin? Robins are technically Red already, aren’t they? They’ve got that little red patch on their chest

Red Robin: it’s for the aesthetic

Signal: well your aesthetic sucks.

I personally like to think batman has a naturally deep and batman-ish voice, like Kevin Conroy’s version, so the police and theorists always assume bats is hiding his real voice through a voice modulator, but nope, it’s all authentic and he’s just hiding in plain sight

Someone on reddit probably started a conspiracy thread on how batman is bruce wayne bc they both have deep voices and it blew up so bad bruce made a statement that no, he is not batman, which of course spawned countless memes such as these gems:

headcanon that whenever someone posts a conspiracy article about how Bruce Wayne is abusing his kids someone responds with the comment “no i think they’re all just really reckless” and provides a link to a video of Dick Grayson attempting to back-flip off of a moving car while Damian is driving

Batfam cleaning headcanons
  • Dick once accidentally sucked up Tim’s iPad charger with the vacuum. 
  • Damian once intentionally attacked Tim with the vacuum. They ended up having to cut his hair just to set him loose and Tim was not happy.
  • When told to clean his room, Jason would, without fail, stuff everything into the closet and drawers… only to be busted by Alfred. 
  • Cass tends to do the same thing at her place, but more because she genuinely thinks she’s cleaning? Alfred is appalled when he opens a closet door and Literally Everything pours out.
  • Damian and Tim once had a “Windex fight”. 
  • Dick is really bad for not pointing the nozzle in the right direction when dusting or cleaning, and has sprayed himself in the eye many, many times. 
  • Jason once mopped the kitchen and forgot to tell anyone… so Bruce came back from patrol and slipped, falling face-down on the floor. When confronted, Jason shrugged and said that if Bruce had let him go on patrol “this wouldn’t have been a problem”. 
  • There is an ongoing competition to see who can scare Damian while he’s cleaning and wearing his headphones the most. Dick is currently winning with 7 confirmed scares. 
  • Eight-year-old Dick being made to do the occasional chore (at the behest of Bruce, “to teach him the values of diligence and hard work”) and singing “It’s The Hard-knock Life” from Annie just to piss of Alfred and Bruce. It works. 
  • Dick fell out of a window once when he was cleaning one of the top floor windows. Tried to do it again because he claimed it was “good practice”. 
  • Steph is forbidden from cleaning or touching anything in Wayne Manor after breaking a rare, antique vase that cost $1.2 million. She’s allowed to sit on the couch though.
  • Babs definitely stress cleans. Like, everything in sight. Don’t leave your stuff out when Babs gets really stressed because she will probably throw it away.
  • Dick dances and sings while he cleans, which means it takes him much longer and gets on everyone’s nerves because it’s usually cheesy pop or 80′s tunes. 
  • Bruce once took it upon himself to clean his own shower and Alfred found him laying on the bathroom floor, barely conscious, a strong fume permeating the room:
  • Alfred: *coughing through the fumes* Master Bruce! What on earth is— is that fear toxin?! Laughing gas? 
  • Bruce: No… *weakly points to a spray container* I used too much… Cillit Bang…. 
  • Alfred: *slowly stands and leaves the room without another word*