A Statistics teacher in Gotham makes a graph comparing times when Bruce Wayne goes on long vacations with times Batman gets beaten up really badly by villains to illustrate to his class how correlation does not equal causation.
1) Poop bags, poop bags everywhere, in every pocket of every coat and jacket that Damian owns. It’s like the magic hankercheifl trick, you pull one out and they all start coming.
2) He once performed CPR on a Goldfish, Mr Gold recovered with no outward signs of damage and lived a long and happy life.
3) He trained Alfred the cat to throw up hairballs on Tim’s bed. And then outside of his bedroom door once Tim figured Damian out and started keeping his door locked 24/7.
4) Brushie brushie with all of his animals
5) Has a strict diet of natural ingredient pet food which he feeds all the animals with and he does not appreciate anybody sneaking human food to the pets, Bruce is the worst offender of this crime.
6) “Father, I have found a stray” *holds up the ugliest looking dog ever* “I wish to keep him and call him Drake”
7) “What are you eating? OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU EATING?” “Come back here with whatever you’re eating!!” “ Do not think you can fool me by ceasing your chewing. I know you’re still eating it. Open your mouth. OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH”
8) Damian abruptly waking up because Alfred the cat sat on his face and tried to smother him to death in his sleep
9) Phone memory is mostly full because of all his pet pictures and videos
10) Alfred: MRROOOWW Damian: You are a filthy liar Mr Pennyworth I have already fed you
11) Damian: *Trying to walk casually through the Batcave with a small army of ducklings waddling and quacking loudly behind him* Bruce:… Damian? Damian: They imprinted on me, I am their mother now.
Like, aside from playing on rooftops at night, he’ll sit on the back of the couch instead of actually sitting on it. Or he sits on tables instead of chairs, and on counters when he’s talking to Alfred. Thank God all the furniture in the Manor are expensive, quality wood because he’s been climbing on those since he first started living there, and being in his mid-twenties has not stopped him from bickering with Bruce from atop the dresser.
He loves sitting on the railings, or sliding down them instead of just using the stairs. He nearly collided with Bruce once, who hadn’t thought to look for a 12 year old boy barreling down a railing as fast as he could.
(Alfred always checks. Dick was not the first child in the Manor to slide down the railings too fast)
Tim once caught Dick eating takeout on top of the giant T-rex’s head.
(“We have a table! And nice chairs! Why are you eating on the dinosaur?”
You can’t tell me that there aren’t conspiracy theories galore about Bruce Wayne being The Batman and you can’t tell me that his kids don’t fuel them like their life depends on it
•Tim has an entire fucking page dedicated to it
•"I found this sitting on the kitchen table this morning" *pulls out batarang*
•*a picture of what looks like a cape hanging off the back of the couch on Dick’s Instagram page* “mighty suspicious”
•"now that you mention it, Father is rarely home on nights batman is patrolling"
•"all I’m saying is that those old mine shafts go under the house"
•"you know, Jason did go missing right around the time Robin went missing" “it’s true. I could have been Robin and not remember it. Would explain the scars”
•"When Bruce is yelling it sounds a lot like Batman’s voice. It’s pretty freaky"
•*snapchat videos of what appears to be a super grainy batman entering the manor*
•"have you seen Alfred’s car? It’s totally the batmobile"
•"listen Linda, Bruce is the CEO of a technology company. One of the only company’s that has the same tech as batman" “he is always placing weird orders” “see, Damian knows”
•"I saw a bunch of bats fly out of the chimney this morning when I was coming home"
•*super bad candid of Bruce* “loOK HE TOTALLY HAS THE SAME FUCK OFF FACE AS BATMAN”
•*really detailed side by side comparisons of Bruce and Batman on Tims facebook*
•*super bad quality Snapchat video* “Alfred, is Bruce batman?” “Master Dick, you know the answer to that”
•"Bruce Wayne is rich as fuck what more do you need"
•"he had a grappling hook in his pants pocket once"
•"he’s always disappearing during galas right before batman shows up. Have you ever noticed that?“
•"the amount of sick days he uses is mighty suspicious” *side eyes Bruce*
•*video of Bruce coming into the kitchen at 4 in the morning looking like absolute shit* “where have you been young man?” “Fuck off Jason” “oh, so you can say fuck but I can’t–” “Jason I will throw this at you” “do it you coward–” *a scream and a crash as the phone falls as a metal object goes past Jason’s head*
•a shit ton of super blurry photos of things that look like Batman’s gadgets and costume keep popping up on the kids Instagram and twitter accounts
Every kid in Gotham knows to hit up Wayne Manor on Halloween, they give you MULTIPLE REGULAR SIZED CANDY BARS!! none of this fun-size shit
They also have a separate bucket of small toys for children with complex food allergies
Best decorations in town, it’s go hard or go home and Bruce never backs down from a challenge, cobwebs everywhere, GHOSTS! mother fukcing PUMPKINS!!!
Bruce isn’t allowed to answer the door because he lets all the kids dressed up as Batfam and Wonder Woman have as much candy as they want and gives dental floss to those dressed as clowns, also kids dressed as Superman but he’ll deny it
Damian:*Carves a pumpkin with a really ugly face* Drake! come at once! Tim: *Sigh* what? Damian:*Smirks and turns the pumpkin to face Tim* it’s you
Food fight in the kitchen with the scooped out pumpkin flesh
Almost everyone wears costumes to make Dick happy
Dick once forced Damian into a child’s Batman costume, Damian was outraged by the plastic Batarangs, Bruce totally didn’t have tears in his eyes fuck you
Jason never wears a costume no matter how hard Dick pouts at him, this leads to an array of replies when people ask why he’s not in costume e.g “My muscles are too big to fit in any costume” “I’m dressed as a sinner” “I’m dressed up as a serial killer. They look like everybody else” “I’m dressed as the miracle of life” “a pumpkin killed my parents, how dare you”
Tim once dressed as a Ghostbuster and wouldn’t stop trying to hoover up Jason and Damian
Stephanie and Cassandra always dress in matching or related costumes, it’s super fucking cute
Dick: Where’s your outfit, Alfred?? Alfred: *pulls out a pair of rabbit ears and places them on his head* I am a bunny Master Grayson. Hop. Hop
Barbara dresses as a mermaid which AmAZES!! all the kids, cause it totally makes sense!!! her red hair which means she’s related to Ariel #kidlogic
Dick:*Dressed as Dracula* I want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!! Jason: You can suck my di- Bruce: LANGUAGE!!
Batcow, Titus, Alfred the cat, and Goliath all have home made costumes made by Damian
Dick always gets sick from eating the most candy, he says he’s doing it to save everyone else from having cavities, he’s a dirty liar
Tim: *Walks around Walmart pointing to decorations* Spoopy
Jason: Raisins!??? RAISINS?? who the hell gives raisins on Halloween Bruce??? Monsters that’s who
Little kid: *See’s Jason as Red Hood on Halloween* what are you meant to be mr? Jason: I’m a used tampon Others: *through the comms* JASON!!!
I personally like to think batman has a naturally deep and batman-ish voice, like Kevin Conroy’s version, so the police and theorists always assume bats is hiding his real voice through a voice modulator, but nope, it’s all authentic and he’s just hiding in plain sight
Someone on reddit probably started a conspiracy thread on how batman is bruce wayne bc they both have deep voices and it blew up so bad bruce made a statement that no, he is not batman, which of course spawned countless memes such as these gems:
headcanon that whenever someone posts a conspiracy article about how Bruce Wayne is abusing his kids someone responds with the comment “no i think they’re all just really reckless” and provides a link to a video of Dick Grayson attempting to back-flip off of a moving car while Damian is driving
Dick once accidentally sucked up Tim’s iPad charger with the vacuum.
Damian once intentionally attacked Tim with the vacuum. They ended up having to cut his hair just to set him loose and Tim was not happy.
When told to clean his room, Jason would, without fail, stuff everything into the closet and drawers… only to be busted by Alfred.
Cass tends to do the same thing at her place, but more because she genuinely thinks she’s cleaning? Alfred is appalled when he opens a closet door and Literally Everything pours out.
Damian and Tim once had a “Windex fight”.
Dick is really bad for not pointing the nozzle in the right direction when dusting or cleaning, and has sprayed himself in the eye many, many times.
Jason once mopped the kitchen and forgot to tell anyone… so Bruce came back from patrol and slipped, falling face-down on the floor. When confronted, Jason shrugged and said that if Bruce had let him go on patrol “this wouldn’t have been a problem”.
There is an ongoing competition to see who can scare Damian while he’s cleaning and wearing his headphones the most. Dick is currently winning with 7 confirmed scares.
Eight-year-old Dick being made to do the occasional chore (at the behest of Bruce, “to teach him the values of diligence and hard work”) and singing “It’s The Hard-knock Life” from Annie just to piss of Alfred and Bruce. It works.
Dick fell out of a window once when he was cleaning one of the top floor windows. Tried to do it again because he claimed it was “good practice”.
Steph is forbidden from cleaning or touching anything in Wayne Manor after breaking a rare, antique vase that cost $1.2 million. She’s allowed to sit on the couch though.
Babs definitely stress cleans. Like, everything in sight. Don’t leave your stuff out when Babs gets really stressed because she will probably throw it away.
Dick dances and sings while he cleans, which means it takes him much longer and gets on everyone’s nerves because it’s usually cheesy pop or 80′s tunes.
Bruce once took it upon himself to clean his own shower and Alfred found him laying on the bathroom floor, barely conscious, a strong fume permeating the room:
Alfred: *coughing through the fumes* Master Bruce! What on earth is— is that fear toxin?! Laughing gas?
Bruce: No… *weakly points to a spray container* I used too much… Cillit Bang….
Alfred: *slowly stands and leaves the room without another word*