You can’t tell me that there aren’t conspiracy theories galore about Bruce Wayne being The Batman and you can’t tell me that his kids don’t fuel them like their life depends on it
•Tim has an entire fucking page dedicated to it
•"I found this sitting on the kitchen table this morning" *pulls out batarang*
•*a picture of what looks like a cape hanging off the back of the couch on Dick’s Instagram page* “mighty suspicious”
•"now that you mention it, Father is rarely home on nights batman is patrolling"
•"all I’m saying is that those old mine shafts go under the house"
•"you know, Jason did go missing right around the time Robin went missing" “it’s true. I could have been Robin and not remember it. Would explain the scars”
•"When Bruce is yelling it sounds a lot like Batman’s voice. It’s pretty freaky"
•*snapchat videos of what appears to be a super grainy batman entering the manor*
•"have you seen Alfred’s car? It’s totally the batmobile"
•"listen Linda, Bruce is the CEO of a technology company. One of the only company’s that has the same tech as batman" “he is always placing weird orders” “see, Damian knows”
•"I saw a bunch of bats fly out of the chimney this morning when I was coming home"
•*super bad candid of Bruce* “loOK HE TOTALLY HAS THE SAME FUCK OFF FACE AS BATMAN”
•*really detailed side by side comparisons of Bruce and Batman on Tims facebook*
•*super bad quality Snapchat video* “Alfred, is Bruce batman?” “Master Dick, you know the answer to that”
•"Bruce Wayne is rich as fuck what more do you need"
•"he had a grappling hook in his pants pocket once"
•"he’s always disappearing during galas right before batman shows up. Have you ever noticed that?“
•"the amount of sick days he uses is mighty suspicious” *side eyes Bruce*
•*video of Bruce coming into the kitchen at 4 in the morning looking like absolute shit* “where have you been young man?” “Fuck off Jason” “oh, so you can say fuck but I can’t–” “Jason I will throw this at you” “do it you coward–” *a scream and a crash as the phone falls as a metal object goes past Jason’s head*
•a shit ton of super blurry photos of things that look like Batman’s gadgets and costume keep popping up on the kids Instagram and twitter accounts
Every kid in Gotham knows to hit up Wayne Manor on Halloween, they give you MULTIPLE REGULAR SIZED CANDY BARS!! none of this fun-size shit
They also have a separate bucket of small toys for children with complex food allergies
Best decorations in town, it’s go hard or go home and Bruce never backs down from a challenge, cobwebs everywhere, GHOSTS! mother fukcing PUMPKINS!!!
Bruce isn’t allowed to answer the door because he lets all the kids dressed up as Batfam and Wonder Woman have as much candy as they want and gives dental floss to those dressed as clowns, also kids dressed as Superman but he’ll deny it
Damian:*Carves a pumpkin with a really ugly face* Drake! come at once! Tim: *Sigh* what? Damian:*Smirks and turns the pumpkin to face Tim* it’s you
Food fight in the kitchen with the scooped out pumpkin flesh
Almost everyone wears costumes to make Dick happy
Dick once forced Damian into a child’s Batman costume, Damian was outraged by the plastic Batarangs, Bruce totally didn’t have tears in his eyes fuck you
Jason never wears a costume no matter how hard Dick pouts at him, this leads to an array of replies when people ask why he’s not in costume e.g “My muscles are too big to fit in any costume” “I’m dressed as a sinner” “I’m dressed up as a serial killer. They look like everybody else” “I’m dressed as the miracle of life” “a pumpkin killed my parents, how dare you”
Tim once dressed as a Ghostbuster and wouldn’t stop trying to hoover up Jason and Damian
Stephanie and Cassandra always dress in matching or related costumes, it’s super fucking cute
Dick: Where’s your outfit, Alfred?? Alfred: *pulls out a pair of rabbit ears and places them on his head* I am a bunny Master Grayson. Hop. Hop
Barbara dresses as a mermaid which AmAZES!! all the kids, cause it totally makes sense!!! her red hair which means she’s related to Ariel #kidlogic
Dick:*Dressed as Dracula* I want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!! Jason: You can suck my di- Bruce: LANGUAGE!!
Batcow, Titus, Alfred the cat, and Goliath all have home made costumes made by Damian
Dick always gets sick from eating the most candy, he says he’s doing it to save everyone else from having cavities, he’s a dirty liar
Tim: *Walks around Walmart pointing to decorations* Spoopy
Jason: Raisins!??? RAISINS?? who the hell gives raisins on Halloween Bruce??? Monsters that’s who
Little kid: *See’s Jason as Red Hood on Halloween* what are you meant to be mr? Jason: I’m a used tampon Others: *through the comms* JASON!!!
Things the Batfam forgot to tell Duke when he joined
Whenever any member of the Batfam mentions “that time I was dead,” they aren’t kidding.
Just because you haven’t seen Tim in days doesn’t mean he isn’t there. The same applies to Cass, for entirely different reasons.
If the Red Hood ever breaks into the Manor and tries to hold you hostage, don’t worry about it–the guns aren’t loaded, that’s just Jason doing a bit. That’s how he asks Bruce for money.
Bruce actually has THREE biological children. If a tall Damian suddenly appears in the Cave, he is from the future and can be trusted, and will occasionally bring back future snacks. Don’t try to attack him: he is stronger than you. Beware the girl: she is from an alternate universe and may attempt to introduce you to tv shows that don’t exist. You will be very disappointed.
If Christopher Kent gives you his armor and tells you that it can help you fly, he is lying. He is Kryptonian, and the thrusters are for show.
The guy in red eating your cookies on Christmas Eve is NOT Santa. That is Barry Allen. Do not get between him and food; you will regret it.
“Is that a Metropolis Meteors jersey? You had better burn
that, this is a Gotham Knights household”
“We don’t wear Superman shirts in this household … I don’t
care if your brother was wearing a Wonder Woman shirt, Diana is awesome.”
“It’s not Alfred’s job to take all 20 of the cereal bowls
out of your room, if you ate in the dining room like everyone else this wouldn’t
be an issue.”
“Don’t stab your siblings, I’m tired of stitching wounds”
“The next person that breaks a chandelier will be paying for
it out of their trust fund!”
“Alfred will be having a cooking workshop for everyone … Yes,
it’s mandatory … Cereal is not an acceptable dish to make at every meal … You
already know how to cook, so you’ll be helping teach … Yes, I’ll also be there.
Alfred said it’s mandatory for everyone”
“If I hear Cardi B blaring from the kitchen at 2 in the
morning one more time … I don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll figure it out!”
“Stop drawing on your brother’s face with sharpie. If you’re
going to do it at least do it with something that’ll wash off easier.”
“How the hell did you and your brother spend $1000 at
McDonalds in one visit?”
“Where did the antique vases form the foyer go?”
“Just because you have a balcony does not make it okay for
you to pee off of it! You all have attached bathrooms! You’re killing Alfred’s
“Just because you have a balcony does not mean it’s okay for
your Super friends to sneak into the house, they still need my permission to be
“I swear if I catch one more unauthorized Kryptonian in this
house I’m bringing out the Kryptonite”
“Why would you do this to me? Do you want me to have a heart
“We discussed this. No one was supposed to dress up as a
clown this Halloween, why the hell are you all dressed up as a clown?”
“Why did I get a call from you teacher today saying you
brought your cat to school?”
“Just because you’re saying it in another language doesn’t
mean I don’t know what you’re saying. … Yes I know you just swore in Greek, and
Mandarin, and French, and wait which one was that? … Gaelic, I didn’t know you
knew that one.”
“Complain about one more thing, child, and I’ll send you to boarding
school … I don’t care if your 22, I’ll find a way”
“No, I will not let you start an IV full of coffee just to
see if you will survive, drink it like a normal person”
“No, I will not put a fridge in the Batcave. If you want a
snack you can go upstairs and get one … I did not say you could call Alfred at
get it, go get your own damn snack”
“Where did you find a box of cereal that big?”
“Why is there a car in my study? How did you get that
through the front door?”
“Why did I adopt so many children?”
“I love you all, but if you don’t leave me alone I think I
might go insane. If that what you want? Do you want to have to drive me at
Arkham? No? Then please, I just need an hour.”
“Yes, your makeup looks lovely, I just don’t understand why
you’re wearing it … I’m not discriminating … I didn’t say you couldn’t wear the
makeup! … You know what, you look beautifully handsome, and your eye lashes are
“If you want to prank your brothers you’ll be doing it alone.
I will miss you when you die”
•Jason always finishes what’s on his plate. Even if he’s full and throws it up later when he thinks Bruce isn’t looking, he always finishes it.
•Whenever Bruce has to leave for a business trip, Tim catches his sleeve and asks when he’s coming back. He holds on until Bruce gives him a time and day and promises to text and call.
•Dick double and triple and quadrupole checks the lines and grapples. He tests them out before anyone else can use them, even after Bruce tests them himself and promises Dick they’re safe.
•Steph always looks around corners first. Her eyes dart around the room, looking for something that Bruce thinks he knows the answer too, and she lets out a soft breath every time she dosen’t see it.
•Damian hides it very well, but he flinches back whenever Bruce or Dick or Jason raise their voices. He always looks down and twists his hands together, and Bruce is quick to lower his voice and tell Damian ‘it’s not your fault’ before an ‘I’m sorry’ can leave Damian’s mouth.
•sometimes Cass’s hands shake when she signs. She stops mid sentence, and Bruce will gently catch her hands and urge her to keep going.
•Sometimes Barbara will look panicked when someone knocks on the door. Her eyes widen and her breath hitches, and Bruce will go to answer it for her. He knocks softly now, when he goes do visit.
•Duke will hang back in the shadows at family gatherings. He does it less and less now, but Bruce will always put an arm around his shoulder and bring him out, and everyone else is always happy to bring him into conversation.