You can’t tell me that there aren’t conspiracy theories galore about Bruce Wayne being The Batman and you can’t tell me that his kids don’t fuel them like their life depends on it

•Tim has an entire fucking page dedicated to it

•"I found this sitting on the kitchen table this morning" *pulls out batarang*

•*a picture of what looks like a cape hanging off the back of the couch on Dick’s Instagram page* “mighty suspicious”

•"now that you mention it, Father is rarely home on nights batman is patrolling"

•"all I’m saying is that those old mine shafts go under the house"

•"you know, Jason did go missing right around the time Robin went missing" “it’s true. I could have been Robin and not remember it. Would explain the scars”

•"When Bruce is yelling it sounds a lot like Batman’s voice. It’s pretty freaky"

•*snapchat videos of what appears to be a super grainy batman entering the manor*

•"have you seen Alfred’s car? It’s totally the batmobile"

•"listen Linda, Bruce is the CEO of a technology company. One of the only company’s that has the same tech as batman" “he is always placing weird orders” “see, Damian knows”

•"I saw a bunch of bats fly out of the chimney this morning when I was coming home"

•*super bad candid of Bruce* “loOK HE TOTALLY HAS THE SAME FUCK OFF FACE AS BATMAN”

•*really detailed side by side comparisons of Bruce and Batman on Tims facebook*

•*super bad quality Snapchat video* “Alfred, is Bruce batman?” “Master Dick, you know the answer to that”

•"Bruce Wayne is rich as fuck what more do you need"

•"he had a grappling hook in his pants pocket once"

•"he’s always disappearing during galas right before batman shows up. Have you ever noticed that?“

•"the amount of sick days he uses is mighty suspicious” *side eyes Bruce*

•*video of Bruce coming into the kitchen at 4 in the morning looking like absolute shit* “where have you been young man?” “Fuck off Jason” “oh, so you can say fuck but I can’t–” “Jason I will throw this at you” “do it you coward–” *a scream and a crash as the phone falls as a metal object goes past Jason’s head*

•a shit ton of super blurry photos of things that look like Batman’s gadgets and costume keep popping up on the kids Instagram and twitter accounts

•"hey, look at this mask I found"

•Clark is getting a little concerned

“Don’t you think you should stop them?”

•Bruce just sighs

More things Bruce has said to his kids:


“You were such a cute kid. What happened?”

“So, if everyone else jumps from the roof, would you jump too? … I know that you jump from the roof every night … It was a rhetorical question!!”

“I love you, but go away”


“Do you understand English?! I said no more killing!”

“Language, dammit!”

“You cannot sell your brothers on Craigslist!”


“Why did you just put that in your mouth? … I don’t care if it was a dare! Spit it out!”

“I’m not talking to you until you put on pants”

“At what point did you think it was a good idea to test how long you could go without sleep?”


“He is your older brother, do not use him for target practice”

“I understand that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s, but don’t let the dog eat off your fork!”

“Did you give Tim a black eye? … No, the dog was not the one to do it, try again”


“Why did you put makeup on Dick? Now he won’t stop talking about his cheekbones“

“Stephanie, you don’t even live here, why are you paining the living room?“

“Will you stop trying to hug Damian? He claims that affection makes him breakout in hives“


“You’re my favorite child“

‘I need you to watch the boys while I’m out … Yes, I know that most of them are grown men, but they seem to get into trouble when left unsupervised“

“I’m glad that I have one sane child“

Dick Grayson is a Goddamn Dork™ ACTUAL CANONS

1. The discowing suit. I mean, really?

2. Canonically was responsible for naming the batarangs, the Batmobile, and probably every other bat- thing in the cave.

3. Continued to defend those choices, even as Batman. “That’s a stupid name.” “You mean *awesome*.”

4. Little kid tries to punch him (as a cop!) and he responded by saying, “you’re throwing a punch wrong. Here, hit me again, like this”

5. Built an entire secret room in his apartment for vigilante purposes, still leaves his Nightwing suit in a heap on the ground next to his bed where Goddamn anyone can see it

6. Puts his fingers up by his head so that thugs who see his shadow will think he’s Batman

7. When deciding what to call his new a batarang equipment, unironically decided to call them “wing-dings”

8. Is honestly flattered when supervillains compliment his butt


10. Does not bother to park the Batwing or even bring it low, flings himself out of it from 1,000 feet up because *aesthetic*

Halloween at Wayne Manor
  • Every kid in Gotham knows to hit up Wayne Manor on Halloween, they give you MULTIPLE REGULAR SIZED CANDY BARS!! none of this fun-size shit
  • They also have a separate bucket of small toys for children with complex food allergies 

  • Best decorations in town, it’s go hard or go home and Bruce never backs down from a challenge, cobwebs everywhere, GHOSTS! mother fukcing PUMPKINS!!!
  • Bruce isn’t allowed to answer the door because he lets all the kids dressed up as Batfam and Wonder Woman have as much candy as they want and gives dental floss to those dressed as clowns, also kids dressed as Superman but he’ll deny it
  • Damian:*Carves a pumpkin with a really ugly face* Drake! come at once! Tim: *Sigh* what? Damian:*Smirks and turns the pumpkin to face Tim* it’s you
  • Food fight in the kitchen with the scooped out pumpkin flesh
  • Almost everyone wears costumes to make Dick happy
  • Dick once forced Damian into a child’s Batman costume, Damian was outraged by the plastic Batarangs, Bruce totally didn’t have tears in his eyes fuck you
  • Jason never wears a costume no matter how hard Dick pouts at him, this leads to an array of replies when people ask why he’s not in costume e.g “My muscles are too big to fit in any costume” “I’m dressed as a sinner” “I’m dressed up as a serial killer. They look like everybody else” “I’m dressed as the miracle of life” “a pumpkin killed my parents, how dare you”
  • Tim once dressed as a Ghostbuster and wouldn’t stop trying to hoover up Jason and Damian
  • Stephanie and Cassandra always dress in matching or related costumes, it’s super fucking cute 
  • Dick: Where’s your outfit, Alfred?? Alfred: *pulls out a pair of rabbit ears and places them on his head* I am a bunny Master Grayson. Hop. Hop
  • Barbara dresses as a mermaid which AmAZES!! all the kids, cause it totally makes sense!!! her red hair which means she’s related to Ariel #kidlogic
  • Dick:*Dressed as Dracula* I want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD!! Jason: You can suck my di- Bruce: LANGUAGE!!
  • Batcow, Titus, Alfred the cat, and Goliath all have home made costumes made by Damian
  • Dick always gets sick from eating the most candy, he says he’s doing it to save everyone else from having cavities, he’s a dirty liar
  • Tim: *Walks around Walmart pointing to decorations* Spoopy
  • Jason: Raisins!??? RAISINS?? who the hell gives raisins on Halloween Bruce??? Monsters that’s who
  • Little kid: *See’s Jason as Red Hood on Halloween* what are you meant to be mr? Jason: I’m a used tampon Others: *through the comms* JASON!!!
Things Bruce has definitely said to his boys

“No. You can not wear your boxers around the house. We are not barn animals.”

“It is not okay to draw obscenities on your brothers forehead with lipstick while he’s sleeping.”

“Do not bake churros in the kitchen at four in the morning ever again.”

*doesn’t use intercom, yells from kitchen* “DICK!! Bring the thirty six cereal bowls down from your room, NOW!”

“You spent $3000 at Mc Donald’s in the past week? How, is, that, even, possible?”

“Where did all the decorative pinecones in the front entrance go?”

“Alfred told me he washed an entire wall in one of the upstarts washrooms that was covered with piss. Who and how?

“Using your brothers mattress as a sled to slide down the stairs is not acceptable. Nor are actual sleds.”

“Stop blasting Ariana Grande in the bat cave. I’m sick of hearing ‘Can’t a princess be a bad bitch,’ when I come home after patrol.”

“No, it is not okay to pee out your window. There’s twelve bathrooms in this house. Use one.”

“Is that a Metropolis State jersey? Take it off.”

“Why is there a butter knife sticking from Tim’s door? How did you even stick it in there, this is solid oak.”

“Do not dress up as a clown and stalk through the house at three in the morning again. Are you trying to scare your father to death?”

“Why is there satanic runes written with Nutella across the floor of the den?”

“There are twenty tubs of ice cream in the freezer. Get rid of them.”

“I do not want to catch you cussing at your brothers in Arabic, Mandarin, or any other language ever again.”

“Pizza is not considered an adequate meal. Nor is Taco Bell, taco Tuesday is not a holiday in this family.”

“Why are you wearing your sisters Lululemon leggings? …I don’t care if it was a bet. Take them off.”

“No, you can’t dump lukewarm coffee on your brother.”

“Go for a run before I shave your hair off in your sleep. You’re driving me mad with your complaining.”

“No, you can not shoot your brothers with rubber bullets…. even if they deserve it.”

“I pay for your adventures, you pay me with silence after five o'clock.”

“No, we can not put a freezer dedicated to ham in the bat cave.”

“Send me a picture of a clean room and Alfred will restore the wifi. And don’t even think about hacking or you won’t see the light of day for a week.”

“You bought fifteen boxes of Lucky Charms. I don’t even know what to say to that.”

*whispers* “For fucks sake.” *louder* “Why is there ground beef in the dryer!!”

“Did you actually put that Cheeto you found on the sidewalk in your mouth? Be thankful I have the money for health care.”

A compilation of 10 Of the batclans best snapchats

1.[the video is shakey as it zooms in on the top of Wayne Tower. Riddler comes into focus first, then Robin. Riddler is holding Robin by the ankle off the roof]


Red Robin and Red Hood: DO A FLIP

2.[a video of Nightwing taken by Batgirl. They’re in a red light district, and you can faintly hear the cha-cha slide coming from the building they’re next to. Nightwing is dancing along perfectly]

3.[a picture of Robin, holding a baby robin. The caption reads “he’s trying to figure out how to sneak it into the bat cave”]

3.5.[a second picture posted shortly after. It is blurry, but you can vaguely make out the shapes of Robin and Batman. The caption reads “he found out”]

4.[a video of Red Hood and Blackbat signing frantically in ASL. The camera flips to Red Robin]

Red Robin: they’re arguing about which pizza rolls are the best

Batman, from off Camera: where the hell do they even get pizza rolls? Agent A sure as hell doesn’t let them in the house—

5.Nightwing: I dare you to jump off the roof without your grapple

[Red Hood starts sprinting to the edge of the roof. They are on one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. The camera shakes as Nightwing runs after Red Hood]

Nightwing: No wait I diDNT FUCKING MEAN IT HOOD—

5.5[a super bad candid of Batman and Red Hood and Nightwing. The camera is tilted as if someone is trying to hide it. The caption reads “this has been going on for 20 min”]

Batman: —ell would you think that’s a good idea—

Red Hood: —if you should be yelling at anyone it should be nightwing—

Nightwing: —don’t drag me into this!

[snickers are heard off camera]

Batman: Im dragging both of you into this! Why on earth would you dare your brother to jump off the roof when you know damn well he’ll do it?!

Red Hood: yeah—

Batman: oh don’t you even start Hood—

6.[a picture of Red Robin and Superboy mid fall. It is unclear where they fell from. The caption reads “they were watching buzzfeed unsolved and got scared by a pigeon”]

7.[the camera opens and quickly zooms in on Batman. He looks annoyed. There is a low chanting of “money in the jar” coming from off camera]

Batman: ‘crap’ is not a fucking swear word—

8.[a picture of Robin curled up against Black Bat. She looks surprisingly fond. The caption reads “he fell asleep durning the stake out”]

9:[a shakey Video of Red Hood. He’s fighting off at least six people while singing in a rather nice sounding baritone range. The caption reads “once a theater kid always a theater kid”]


[red hood fires a gun]


10:[a video of Red Robin and Signal. They’re sitting on a roof, sharing several tacos.]

Signal: why do you call yourself Red Robin? Robins are technically Red already, aren’t they? They’ve got that little red patch on their chest

Red Robin: it’s for the aesthetic

Signal: well your aesthetic sucks.

Things the Batfam forgot to tell Duke when he joined

Whenever any member of the Batfam mentions “that time I was dead,” they aren’t kidding.

Just because you haven’t seen Tim in days doesn’t mean he isn’t there. The same applies to Cass, for entirely different reasons.

If the Red Hood ever breaks into the Manor and tries to hold you hostage, don’t worry about it–the guns aren’t loaded, that’s just Jason doing a bit. That’s how he asks Bruce for money.

Bruce actually has THREE biological children. If a tall Damian suddenly appears in the Cave, he is from the future and can be trusted, and will occasionally bring back future snacks. Don’t try to attack him: he is stronger than you. Beware the girl: she is from an alternate universe and may attempt to introduce you to tv shows that don’t exist. You will be very disappointed.

If Christopher Kent gives you his armor and tells you that it can help you fly, he is lying. He is Kryptonian, and the thrusters are for show.

The guy in red eating your cookies on Christmas Eve is NOT Santa. That is Barry Allen. Do not get between him and food; you will regret it.

Even more things Bruce has said to his kids:

“Is that a Metropolis Meteors jersey? You had better burn that, this is a Gotham Knights household”

“We don’t wear Superman shirts in this household … I don’t care if your brother was wearing a Wonder Woman shirt, Diana is awesome.”

“It’s not Alfred’s job to take all 20 of the cereal bowls out of your room, if you ate in the dining room like everyone else this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Don’t stab your siblings, I’m tired of stitching wounds”

“The next person that breaks a chandelier will be paying for it out of their trust fund!”

“Alfred will be having a cooking workshop for everyone … Yes, it’s mandatory … Cereal is not an acceptable dish to make at every meal … You already know how to cook, so you’ll be helping teach … Yes, I’ll also be there. Alfred said it’s mandatory for everyone”

“If I hear Cardi B blaring from the kitchen at 2 in the morning one more time … I don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll figure it out!”

“Stop drawing on your brother’s face with sharpie. If you’re going to do it at least do it with something that’ll wash off easier.”

“How the hell did you and your brother spend $1000 at McDonalds in one visit?”

“Where did the antique vases form the foyer go?”

“Just because you have a balcony does not make it okay for you to pee off of it! You all have attached bathrooms! You’re killing Alfred’s roses”

“Just because you have a balcony does not mean it’s okay for your Super friends to sneak into the house, they still need my permission to be in Gotham”

“I swear if I catch one more unauthorized Kryptonian in this house I’m bringing out the Kryptonite”

“Why would you do this to me? Do you want me to have a heart attack?!”

“We discussed this. No one was supposed to dress up as a clown this Halloween, why the hell are you all dressed up as a clown?”

“Why did I get a call from you teacher today saying you brought your cat to school?”

“Just because you’re saying it in another language doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’re saying. … Yes I know you just swore in Greek, and Mandarin, and French, and wait which one was that? … Gaelic, I didn’t know you knew that one.”

“Complain about one more thing, child, and I’ll send you to boarding school … I don’t care if your 22, I’ll find a way”

“No, I will not let you start an IV full of coffee just to see if you will survive, drink it like a normal person”

“No, I will not put a fridge in the Batcave. If you want a snack you can go upstairs and get one … I did not say you could call Alfred at get it, go get your own damn snack”

“Where did you find a box of cereal that big?”

“Why is there a car in my study? How did you get that through the front door?”

“Why did I adopt so many children?”

“I love you all, but if you don’t leave me alone I think I might go insane. If that what you want? Do you want to have to drive me at Arkham? No? Then please, I just need an hour.”

“Yes, your makeup looks lovely, I just don’t understand why you’re wearing it … I’m not discriminating … I didn’t say you couldn’t wear the makeup! … You know what, you look beautifully handsome, and your eye lashes are on fleek”

“If you want to prank your brothers you’ll be doing it alone. I will miss you when you die”

Damian: so you’re telling me to…kill people with kindness?

Dick: yeah, that’s right.

Damian: so i should kill them with what, a teddy bear? Because i could totally do that, choking them with it that could-

Dick: i don’t think you fully understand the meaning…

Jason: let the boy continue, Dick, i sort of like where this is going.

Tim: of course you do.

Damian: see, i could use the stuffing of the tedd-

Dick: no! no one is killing anyone with a teddy bear!

Stephanie: that’s very viable actually.

Jason: after choking them with the stuffing can we shoot them? ya’ know, to be certain.

Dick: i live in a family of psychopaths.

•Jason always finishes what’s on his plate. Even if he’s full and throws it up later when he thinks Bruce isn’t looking, he always finishes it.

•Whenever Bruce has to leave for a business trip, Tim catches his sleeve and asks when he’s coming back. He holds on until Bruce gives him a time and day and promises to text and call.

•Dick double and triple and quadrupole checks the lines and grapples. He tests them out before anyone else can use them, even after Bruce tests them himself and promises Dick they’re safe.

•Steph always looks around corners first. Her eyes dart around the room, looking for something that Bruce thinks he knows the answer too, and she lets out a soft breath every time she dosen’t see it.

•Damian hides it very well, but he flinches back whenever Bruce or Dick or Jason raise their voices. He always looks down and twists his hands together, and Bruce is quick to lower his voice and tell Damian ‘it’s not your fault’ before an ‘I’m sorry’ can leave Damian’s mouth.

•sometimes Cass’s hands shake when she signs. She stops mid sentence, and Bruce will gently catch her hands and urge her to keep going.

•Sometimes Barbara will look panicked when someone knocks on the door. Her eyes widen and her breath hitches, and Bruce will go to answer it for her. He knocks softly now, when he goes do visit.

•Duke will hang back in the shadows at family gatherings. He does it less and less now, but Bruce will always put an arm around his shoulder and bring him out, and everyone else is always happy to bring him into conversation.

Batman: Why, dear god, is the building on fire?

Nightwing: a dragon sneezed

Red Hood: tried to light a cig with a flamethrower

Red Robin: dropped my latest mixtape

Batman: Robin, you’re awfully quiet

Robin: father, I can honestly confess… it was probably Superboy’s fault.

Batman: he’s in Kansas right now

Robin: he’s fast. Look! Oh, you just missed him. Darn.

Batman: Duke, please, tell me what happened

Signal: um

[Flashback to Duke arguing it was impossible for a fire extinguisher to catch on fire]

Signal: i don’t remember