bat tv

one of my favorite things to do for my own amusement is to try to emulate the speech patterns of Reggie Fils-Aime because his way of speaking is so peculiar

he always enunciates very clearly, his choice of words is always really simple so that even children can understand what he’s talking about, he sprinkles his speech with carefully selected marketing jargon, and he uses contractions to seem like he’s trying to be casual

let’s say that you get caught cheating in Splatoon 2 and Reggie comes to your house to destroy your console with a baseball bat. he knocks at the door, you answer, and he says:

“Hello there. With the release of our latest game in the Splatoon series, Splatoon 2, we here at Nintendo have been incredibly pleased with the amount of fun our players have been having. It seems, though, that some players have been having more fun than others. Please, step out of the way.”

Reggie readies his baseball bat and walks past you, shoving you of of the way with his body while maintaining perfect posture.

“I’m going to demonstrate to you the innovating new punitive measures we at Nintendo have come up with to ensure a safe, fun, friendly environment of play. You deserve this.”

Reggie sends his baseball bat crashing through your Nintendo switch, shattering the screen and sending it flying across the room. The whole while, Reggie never breaks eye contact with you and he never stops smiling.

The baseball bat flies through your television next, knocking it to the floor. Reggie steps on top of it, turns around to face you, and continues:

“Thank you for your loyal support of Nintendo’s family of products. We hope this experience has been valuable to you.”

Omg so I randomly saw a post on my dash about Sebastian Stan apologizing for a post he made on instagram. And some people were all like, “apology NOT ACCEPTED”. And I was like, holy heck, what did he post????

So I went on an exhausting search through the Sebastian Stan tag and finally, FINALLY found a screen shot of his original post after reading so many diatribes about how he’s racist and problematic and bigoted or whatever. So I was all ready to be HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTED in him and MONUMENTALLY OFFENDED, but seriously…

Some context: I am a HUGE proponent of athletes taking a knee on the field during the National Anthem to protest racial injustice. Hell, Kaepernick was the QB of my hometown team and I always supported him back when what he did was a lot more controversial. Seriously, I got sucked into so many arguments with friends of friends on FB over it. It was a THING.

And for some more context, I was born in 1985, which makes me a 90s kid. I remember seeing Nancy Kerrigan get wacked in the back of the knees by a man with a baseball bat on national television before she had a chance to get out onto the ice. I remember what a crazy story it was when we all learned Tonya Harding paid a dude off to bash Nancy Kerrigan’s legs ON NATIONAL TELEVISION so that she couldn’t compete. IT WAS CRAZYPANTS. All 90s kids and 90s adults will remember this! It was INSANE.

So…when I finally saw the photo Sebastian Stan posted of Tonya Harding sitting next to Nancy Kerrigan with the caption: “BACK WHEN ‘TAKING A KNEE’ MEANT TAKING A KNEE” all I could do was laugh. Coz seriously, that shit is HILARIOUS. And I’m sorry, kids? I have to assume its younger people who are offended here, coz if you lived through the whole Tonya Harding debacle, you would get this joke in your BONES. But this meme was not a commentary on athletes taking a knee in protest, it’s a commentary on HOW FUCKED UP Tonya Harding was and the ENTIRE SITUATION she was involved in, TAKING HER OPPONENT’S ACTUAL KNEE.

I’m serious, kids, it was CRAZYPANTS. And that’s the joke.

As I said, I was all ready to get offended by Sebastian Stan’s TOTALLY OFFENSIVE SOCIAL MEDIA BLUNDER, but instead, I got a wave of nostalgic hilarity. He really didn’t need to apologize. This is just bananas.

I look forward to your mail.

A girl sitting on top of a stereo system and putting her legs on top of a TV.  She is also holding an umbrella and eating a lollipop.

This reminds me, that I should catch up on watching my TV recordings, so I can be up to date with the fall TV season premieres.

Out - September 10 @ 5:30pm

Artist: れい亜@3日目東あ24b