bat spoilers

Batfamily as things my family has said

Barbara: “If you eat that piece of bacon I swear to god this friendship is over" 

Dick: *sneaks up on unsuspecting sibling* *randomly drops and crushes said sibling with all their weight* "HUMPBACK WHALE!!!" 

Jason: "Hey come here, I have to tell you a secret. Closer. Little closer.” *sticks tongue in their ear* 

Cass: “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you and I want you to stay outside of my house or maybe just be dead and burn in the darkest pits of hell please" 

Tim: *loses battery for the remote* "WHY WON’T GOD JUST FREAKING LET ME DIE I THINK I’VE EARNED IT BY NOW" 

Stephanie: *accidentally sets fire to counter* "You know, maybe you shouldn’t play with fire anymore” “Yeah, maybe-” *lights match* “-but not today" 

Damian: "You know once a kid dared me to stick up the middle finger in kindergarten and I did and the second I did it he called the teacher and she made me sit out recess that day and this is why I have trust issues" 

Alfred: *banging pots and pans* "GET THE FRICK DOWNSTAIRS YOU PEASANTS I MADE CUPCAKES AND NEED VALIDATION ON MY BAKING ABILITIES" 

Bruce: "hOw DaRe YoU dIsReSpEct mE!!! i aM tHe KiNg Of tHiS LiViNg RoOm!!!" 

Hide and seek

When they play hide and seek they bat kids are most likely to hide:
Dick- Chandelier
Jason- under the Batmobile
Tim- A cupboard under the bat computer
Damian- On the roof
Barbara- vents
Stephanie- in a wardrobe in a long coat
Cassandra- Unknown (She always wins)

  • lucas baker: literally trapped a child in the attic and left him there to starve to death, set up a jigsaw-esque death trap room and burned one person to death in it then tried to burn another, willfully participated in the abduction, mutilation, experimentation, and murder of multiple people
  • y'all: uwu what a precious cinnamon roll
Some Batdad Headcanons

- When Dick first came to live with him, Bruce purchased a bunch of parent help books. He buys new ones with each kid he adopts, and no matter how much he studies he’s always unprepared for his psychotic children and their antics. 

- Everyone assumes Stephanie is his daughter and every time someone mentions it he and Steph are both thoroughly grossed out by the thought. 

- Damian shows Bruce his drawings sometimes, and every time, much to Damian’s embarrassment, Bruce insists on hanging them on the fridge. 

- The cabinets at Wayne Manor are filled to the brim with World’s Best Dad mugs. 

- Jason owns a Dad’s Little Stinker t-shirt. 

- When they were younger, Bruce used to let his Robins ride on his back if they got tired on patrol. 

- Tim falls asleep in random places when he’s particularly sleep-deprived, and each time Bruce will sigh tiredly before picking him up and carrying him up to his room, planning on drugging his coffee to get him to sleep more often.   

- Once he had to tie Damian to a post when he was misbehaving on patrol. 

- The first time Jason called him “Dad”, (on accident, mind you), he legit cried and hugged him for ten minutes straight. 

- He rarely has a bed to himself because his kids always invade his room at night and insist on sleeping with him. 

- He brags about Tim all the time to his coworkers, and it only got worse after Tim actually started working at Wayne Enterprises. At least once a day Bruce will go to Tim’s office and ask how his “little slugger” is doing. 

- He lets Cass paint his nails and isn’t afraid to leave the nail polish on because he’s so proud of how good of a job she did. Everyone is too intimidated to make fun of him for it.

- Even though he’s in his twenties and has an apartment of his own, Dick will still drive all the way to Gotham and sleep in Bruce’s bed when he has nightmares. 

- Bruce attends every single one of his kids’ graduations and award ceremonies, even the pointless ones that nobody really cares about. He will be there cheering in the front row every time.  

- Bruce was surprised that Barbara gave a Father’s Day gift to him in addition to her own father. 

- He carries around a bunch of pictures of his children in his batbelt and likes showing them to the criminals he arrests. Poison Ivy makes sure he keeps her up to date on how Nightwing is doing, and Two Face loves hearing about Red Robin’s whereabouts.     

Milkshakes

Prompt: Hi! Is it okay for a request of batman with daughter!reader after she is saved from a hostage taking. She’s shaking from fear because of it, so Batman strolls to a drive through to cheer her up with a milkshake daughter and dad bonding time. Batboys suddenly joins in on the milkshake bonding time with their costumes still on lol

Requested by: wetndryxplosion



    Milkshakes had always been your dad’s go to. If anything bad happened, or there was bad news to tell, there was almost always a milkshake involved. So some part of you, buried deep under the trauma of being Scarecrow’s latest test subject, isn’t surprised when your father pulls up to a drive through.

    The rest of you is dumbfounded, because not only are you still in costume, you’re in the batmobile. You glance back at Damian and Duke to see them less than surprised, and when they ask for cookies and cream and strawberry,  all you want to do is cry. You’re emotionally drained, your body aches, and all you want to do it is go home and take a shower, but when your dad turns to you, you simply croak out, “Cookie dough.”

    He nods, orders, and pulls up. In the rearview mirror you watch Dick, Jason and Tim pull up after you on their bikes. You and Damian are each given a tray with milkshakes, before your father speeds away. He takes you outside Gotham to a rolling hill.

    Your brothers are never far behind. As a group you sit on the batmobile and eat your milkshakes. No one says anything, and you’re grateful for it. You all stay there for a long time afterwards. Your eyes flicker to the two milkshakes still sitting in the carrier.

    A moment later you hear the tell tale drop, and glance back to see Steph and Cass walking towards you. They push Dick and Jason out of their way so they’re sitting next to you. Bruce simply hands them their nearly melted milkshakes, and they each take a long sip before wrapping their arms around you.

    You cling to the feeling of being loved and protected, until your eyes close and you fall into unconsciousness.

What the Batfamily members smell like

Bruce: Sweat, leather, expensive cologne, that dry scent that tells you he’s carrying money in his pockets, scotch, envelopes. he likes to wear the best colognes because he has an image to keep, but when it’s just him he smells the way a father would smell. the batmobile smells like him so when he was dead his kids would sit in the car and just breathe it in so they’d never forget what he smelled like 

Dick: Fresh linen, fancy soaps Alfred bought for him, cereal, green apples, new car smell, hair gel, cheap wine, aftershave. he smells like one of those guys who wears ten different colognes to impress women, though in Dick’s case most of the time it’s just the way he naturally smells and it’s intoxicating 

Barbara: Lemons, cotton, honeysuckle, that familiar smell all computers seem to have, glossy magazines. she just smells really comforting and familiar, like that feeling you get when you hug your mom 

Jason: Cigarettes, sweat, gunpowder, leather jackets, the familiar alleys of Gotham City, freshly baked bread, buttery popcorn, dusty old books, cheap cologne. he’s got a very musky scent, but there are so many different aromas going on at the same time that he smells like an odd mix of all of them 

Cass: Jasmine shampoo, pine trees, the occasional faint scent of blood, the rubbery smell of bandages, cut flowers, scented candles, hot chocolate. she doesn’t wear perfume so she smells very natural 

Tim: Coffee grounds, printer ink, new book smell, the earthy scent of rain on hot pavement, sharpies. he smells very homey. he doesn’t usually wear cologne, but he smells just as appealing as Dick does without even trying. when you hug him you just want to stay in his arms and inhale his comforting scent as long as you can 

Stephanie: Cinnamon, strawberry shampoo, sugary perfume, coca-cola lip smackers, maple syrup, a warm sea breeze. she sprays on ten different perfumes at a time, so when people smell her they’re captivated by how many different aromas are going on at once. when you smell her it’s so inviting it just makes you want to be around her forever 

Damian: Batcow’s stables, butterscotch candies, the steel blade of his katana, paint from his artwork, pastel crayons, the earthy aroma of freshly dug soil. he always smells like Alfred’s garden, like dirt and green leaves and fresh vegetables. there’s always the slightest whiff of gingerbread too