basketball tricks

Movies teach us important lessons, like “The power was in you all along” or “If you travel back in time, don’t have sex with your ancestors, even if they’re really hot.” For the most part, we’re all happy to agree that “Love conquers all” and “We’re stronger together” and “Werewolves really should be allowed to play basketball.” But sometimes, Hollywood tricks us into thinking that because these lessons should be true, they are true. But in reality, if a werewolf tried to play high school basketball, he’d be shot in the face by Betsy DeVos.

But movies (you may want to sit down for this one) aren’t real life. On the mean streets of existence, “When they go low, we go high” is a great way to get punched in the crotch. Or eaten by vicious owls.

Obama’s election caused (or, to hear the Koch Brothers tell it, just happened to coincide with) the rise of the Tea Party. The Tea Party went through several incarnations, and meant a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but somehow they managed to coalesce around one deep political conviction: Everything Barack Obama said was wrong. If he said “Grass is green,” they said “No, it’s purple,” then noted that green is the unpatriotic color of Islam, and lawns should be defunded. It wasn’t fair, and it had very little to do with reality, but it was damn effective. Now Obama is being the perfect picture of class, urging the world to give Donald Trump a chance. Which Trump is repaying by tearing up as many of Obama’s policies as he can fit in his little hands.

Trump is even more polarizing than Obama, but elected Democrats aren’t as ruthlessly efficient at stymieing his agenda. While Trump is up to his eyeballs in Emoluments Clause violations, Democrats are burying the lede by only focusing on his nominees. It’s ridiculous that they aren’t able to mount an effective guerrilla-style political opposition to Trump, as he seems to be serving himself up on a platter. It’s not like liberal groups are always bastions of moral behavior.

Why Democrats Are Every School Yard Bully’s Wet Dream

List of Lance’s random talents:

  • He can do that thing where you flip a water bottle and it lands standing (his record is four water bottles at once)
  • He’s surprisingly good at throwing things into other things backwards (i.e throwing a pen behind him and having it land in a cup, throwing something into the fridge, throwing something into the garbage behind him, etc)
    • Lance every time he successfully completes a trick shot: Someone call an exorciser because I have been possessed by the ghost of Michael Jordan!
    • Hunk: Michael Jordan isn’t dead..
  • (To add to the above: Lance cannot apply this trick to basketball. He is awful at basketball.)
  • Is almost always correct when he guesses the time
  • An excellent shot with a rubber band
  • Always stops a microwave before the timer runs out and it can beep
  • Can spin/roll anything between his fingers (pens, coins, etc.)
  • Can solve a rubix cube like it’s nothing, even while blindfolded
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If you missed it, we had our first drone-assisted dunk in NBA history at this year’s Dunk Contest over the weekend. 🏀🏀🏀

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Your Didn’t-Count-But-C’mon-Ref-It-Really-Should-Have Shot of the Night comes courtesy of noted wizard (and,, um, former Wizard) Shaun Livingston. Give us an H, Shaun.

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David Oyelowo’s “One-Legged Swish”!