basically my life is terrible terrible at the moment

I don’t actually post much about myself, but I guess this is my blog. Panic attacks are scary. You’re just laying there trying to fall asleep and then you’re suddenly it feels like your chest is about to catch on fire. Mine are primarily physical symptoms that tend to very closely mimic those of a heart attack. Which I’m not having, but in the moment you’re not thinking right and you have to convince yourself that you’re not actually dying. It’s a chore. I’ve gotten so that I can recognize when it’s starting and with deep breathing pretty much keep it from getting worse, but the feeling kind of lingers for awhile, lurking and just waiting for you to stop concentrating on breathing.

I don’t know what I’m worrying about right now. Usually it’s my health. I have an irrational fear that when I get sick I’m going to be really sick, when in fact I’m in quite good health and in the care of some very skilled health care professionals. My asthma flared up a bit in the past few days, but that’s controllable. Am I worrying about school? I don’t know. There is some uncertainty about what I’ll be doing for the summer session, but I should be happy because I ended the 2nd semester with 4 As. Really that’s something I should be proud of. Getting straight As in grad school is nothing to scoff at. Maybe I’m worried about working after I finish school. I definitely am nervous about getting a job and then being on my own more or less, but that’s still a ways off. Maybe I’m worrying about being alone and not feeling wanted. I never dated anyone seriously in university and I feel like I really messed up there and don’t really know what to do now. I’m shy in person and make friends very slowly. Online I’m outgoing and strike up conversations with people all the time, but in person I don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’ll be alone and not wanted. I know this is irrational because it’s not true, but I worry about it.

I guess by writing this all down it helps me figure out what I’m panicking about. Maybe this helps someone else too.

Terrible Decisions - Feysand Week #7

Yes, yes. I know Feysand Week ended yesterday and that I still haven’t posted days 4 and 6. This week was really busy for me and I irresponsibly had basically nothing prepared, but I will do all the fics at some point! This is a bit rushed, but I hope you enjoy it!

“I have made a terrible decision today. It might be the worst mistake of my life.” Rhys announced dramatically the moment he stepped into our flat.

I looked up from where I was sprawled out on the couch with my sketchbook. “Isn’t that what you said last week when you put half a bottle of extra-spicy seasoning on your taco?”

My roommate rolled his eyes. “I may have, but I actually mean it this time.”
I sat up, swiftly closing my sketchbook before he could see my drawing. “What happened, then?”

Rhys sat down next to me, running a hand through his raven-black hair. “Do you remember Amarantha? She’s in my history class – you met her last week when we ran into her at Starbucks.”

How could I forget? Though the red-haired woman didn’t have devastating, ethereal beauty that would’ve made her almost cliché, the way she carried herself made up for it. Maybe I was too judgmental, but to me she looked like someone who would stomp over your heart and laugh about it.

Naturally, I didn’t say that out loud. “Of course – it was only last week. How bad do you think my memory is?” I poked him in the side teasingly.

He slapped my hand away playfully. “She asked me out today.” 

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