I dunno if anyone’s done this before but whatever. Specifically, I want to talk about Bucky’s brain in relation to the cannibalized MRI thing they strapped on his noggin in CA:TWS. Like what the hell is that thing, how old is it, what are you trying to do HYDRA, is this one of those weird dryer things you stick your whole head in at the hairdresser’s? They have had 70 years to perfect this technology and it looks like a high schooler’s science fair project. There aren’t even any electrodes. Seriously there should be electrodes not only because they’re kind of necessary for this sort of thing but also because who would object to Bucky Barnes looking totally punk rock with a partially-shaved head? No one, that’s who.
But I guess let’s just assume the plate things themselves are in contact with his head and transmitting the charge themselves. Okay. That’s a big area they cover and approximately zero opportunity for finesse, so they can’t localize the damage at all. And there’s still all that hair in the way. But whatever, I’ll shut up about the hair.
So the plate things are basically concentrated on the prefrontal cortex, which is at the very front of the brain, behind the forehead where the plates are located. I mean there looks like there are plates going around around the back of the head but if it only goes as deep as the cerebrum they don’t want to damage anything back there because it’s all motor skills and balance and sensory perception and language centers, all of which were vital in the Winter Soldier’s functioning.
So yeah, the prefrontal cortex seems to be what they’re targeting, and the prefrontal cortex is for short term memory and decision making. However, it would be indescribably stupid to damage short term memory retention, so I don’t think they’d just fry the entire prefrontal cortex. Especially if it could compromise his ability to make quick, logical decisions in the field because the prefrontal cortex is important for logic and impulse control. So I would assume that they’re targeting the connections between the short term and long term memory storage systems rather than taking away his short term memory altogether.
Basically, recalling a memory that’s stored in long-term is just the brain returning it to the short-term memory center, or the working memory, concentrated in the prefrontal cortex. From there your brain literally refires all the neurons that fired during that experience, without compromising awareness of current circumstances. So severing those connections between long and short term memory would not only stop him retaining new memories, it would stop him recalling old ones.
They could be messing with his long term memory, except there are no intracranial bits and bobs that could actually penetrate deeper than the cerebrum without frying everything in between, and the hippocampus and amygdala where long term memory is stored are in there deep.
This picture doesn’t do justice to how deep in the brain the hippocampus and amygdala are, but it works well enough as a visual aid. You don’t want to damage the amygdala in a super soldier at any rate because that’s where the survival instincts are kicking around. Also, damaging the hippocampus on both sides of the brain would turn him into a potato, unable to retain any information at all, not even how to discharge his weapon, so you’d basically have to retrain him anew for every mission. And this contraption has clearly no finesse at all, as stated above, so I really don’t think they’d be able to destroy anything only partially or make any localized alterations.
And sure, maybe they actually opened up his head at some point in the past to get at long term memory storage, and the cryofreeze might stop that from healing, but I think the understanding of the brain was so ridiculously limited at that time that they didn’t really even know how to avoid excessive damage, and I don’t think they would have risked rendering one of their best assets brain dead. Honestly, I think the most likely thing they did was supplement the physical stuff with more traditional brainwashing and conditioning techniques.
So really, all Bucky needs to do is repair the connections between his long term and short term memory. Even with all this damage, the brain is adaptable even in normal humans. When certain parts are damaged, other parts can take over functioning in their stead. Although in this case, if the connections between long and short term memory were cut every time he went into the cryogenic chamber, he never would have stored any of the information gleaned as the Winter Soldier past the short term unless he managed to catch enough sleep to transfer those memories into long term storage before he got zapped or frozen again. So he would potentially remember everything about being Bucky Barnes fairly quickly, assuming his super soldier healing could repair those pathways or create new ones to compensate, and he would never remember most of his time as the Winter Soldier except what they wanted him to remember and let him encode before they took out those connections again. So basically, his combat training, his obedience training, and all that hydra indoctrination crap.
His old memories as Bucky would remain relatively pristine, because the more we view a memory the more current circumstances during the recollection alter it, and what you remember becomes less and less similar to what you actually experienced at the time. So instead of memories slowly changing and evolving as the person themself changes, which is what normally happens as we revisit memories and subtly alter them over time through new perception, Bucky would have this huge, disorienting, sickening divide between the well-preserved, untouched old memories of how he used to be and any new ones he managed to create as the Winter Soldier. The Winter Soldier memories will be less fleshed out, have more holes, be generally more ghost-like because of how they fucked with his brain and memories, so it would be easy for him to dissociate with them and to ignore them, but in order to ignore them Bucky would also have to ignore their consequences. He would be denying a part of himself. And he wouldn’t be able to deal well with their fallout, with the ways those experiences changed him, because he wouldn’t let himself examine them.
Honestly this is horrifying in its own way. All the fic I’ve read talks about how horrible it must be for the Winter Soldier to forget Bucky Barnes, but very little touches on how horrible it would be for Bucky to be all there and have a stranger in his head that he has few, dissociated memories of, but still retains a lot of that conditioning and finds himself acting like someone he doesn’t even remember being. He would feel betrayed by his own body and his own mind, doing things without knowing why he was doing them. I feel like not being the same Bucky as the one who went off to war would be so frustrating to him. Fics paint it as Steve being frustrated by the fact that Bucky’s no longer the same person, but I think Bucky himself would be far more frustrated by that fact than Steve. I think the fact that he’s not the same would bother him more than Steve’s longing for him to be the same, because he would understand that longing, share it even. I think he would dissociate from the foreign Winter Soldier part of himself, would try to bury it or force it out instead of facing it, would hate whatever memories he did retain from that time, because the Winter Soldier terrifies everyone but I think he would terrify Bucky most of all. And it would make sense, too. After all, the winter soldier was always supposed to be a ghost, the unseen threat, the silent killer, and I think, rather than inhabiting Bucky, the Soldier would haunt him, something he can’t prepare for or fight unless he’s willing to look through the dark to find it and confront it.
I’ve drawn all my life, spent all my energy honing it into my only talent and tangible sense of self worth, spent 5 years and more money than I care to think about in art school and only in the past couple years have I learned/come to terms with the fact that drawing aint worth a crap sack of shit unless it’s fun, so don’t do it in hopes of making people love you, don’t do it in hopes of being famous, just do it as long as it is fun and don’t make yourself miserable for it unless you can REALLY look at it and know it’s worth it.
in general it’s also good advice, that aNYONE will tell you, is to always draw. if you find ways to have genuine fun with it then you’ll naturally want to draw all the time, so these two advices are connected. when you’re starting out you’ll have lots of bad drawings that you hate, but you gotta draw them, you gotta push out the bad drawings like diarrhea to get rid of them. and even drawing bad drawings can be fun in a way, like, life is like a lucid dream that way. (When I’m drawing crappy drawings, at least the physical movement of my hand on paper is nice. or I just go play a video game and draw again in a few days, idk) Anyway just keep pursuing things that make you happy and try to draw things you want to see, and keep drawing them. You’ll get better over time.
also I know you’re a beginnner and don’t have much of a basis yet, but you don’t always have to listen to every advice, and not every tutorial someone reposts from deviantart is actually good or helpful. Not everyone has good ideas or knows how to actually teach you something, no matter how good their drawings look. you don’t have to get caught up in details like what kind of pencil you should use or what sketchbook to get (unless you have fun trying out new art supplies!! then do it cause it’s fun to experiment). if some advice doesn’t work for you then idk, throw it out. if MY advice doesn’t work, throw it out. forget I even exist. IDC. I’m not real. nothing is real
be good to people and draw fun stuff and don’t hurt anyone. and don’t steal. don’t post traced or copied drawings on the internet. all that’ll get you is yelled at. use good judgement and show your good taste.
also please this is really important, you don’t NEED to share all your drawings. you don’t NEED attention. art won’t make people love you T_T art can only make YOU love you
if your goal is to have an art career then I don’t really have specific advice for that, because I mostly gave up on that for the sake of my mental health lol
straight people: OhMYFuckInG gOd YOONGI IS SOOOOOOO GAY FOR HOSEOK, soPE FOREVER
lgbt+ people: uh, you’re fetishizing m/m relationships but I mean there’s a definite likelihood that neither Yoongi or Hoseok are straight especially since -presents actual evidence from interviews, videos, song lyrics, etc. -
straight people: shut ur dirty mouth u shouldn’t assume people’s sexualities it’s wrong they aren’t gaY shut up
Since I didn’t have the time to write anything smutty this year (which I think is a real shame) I’m going to list all the smut I’ve ever written into one post! Basically this is a mini masterlist of pure smut. You’re welcome ;) My personal favorites are in bold. Go read everyone else’s work as well because this is a day that needs to be celebrated!!!
I get so confused by how fandoms of less mainstream stuff start on tumblr like a year ago all the tsoa blogs I followed started talking about the trc. Then out of nowhere all the trc blogs started talking about tfc and then soc and check please. Then like a month ago everyone started talking about eyewitness and skam and yuri on ice. I’m pretty sure all these fandoms share a lot of the same fans and like everyone follows each other so who is the source of this new stuff? Am I just really out of the loop because I’d never heard of like anything. How does it go from 0-100% of my dash in like a day
An action film where Chris Pine and Sebastian Stan play partners, and Sebastian is in love with Chris but thinks Chris is into their handler, Zoe Saldana.
Chris gets kidnapped/captured and when Sebastian finds out he does that teary-eyed, barely-holding-it-together thing. He goes against orders and - with Zoe’s help covering for him at the agency - tears the world apart to get Chris back, while Chris fights his way out from the inside.
They meet in the middle and everything’s great for like ninety seconds until - PLOT TWIST - it was all a trap to capture Sebastian because he has information they need and the bad guys know he’s in love with Chris. Chris had no idea! Sebastian cries some more.
Of course they escape and destroy the bad guys and save the world and get medals or something, and then Sebastian is like, ‘Look, about the whole in love with you thing, I don’t expect -’ and then Chris just
Right there. In the parking lot of their agency headquarters.
Sebastian cries because he’s so happy, and they make out a little more and then walk to their car holding hands, the first openly gay action heroes in a major summer blockbuster THE END
like i mean, part of the punk movement in britain in the 70s-80s
the marauders as an underground punk rock band, not like famous or popular but known of amongst the people they associate with
they sing about revolution, and love, and the oneness of the two. they sing about being viewed by earlier generations like a group of degenerates. they sing about equality and freedom and liberty. they also sing about heartbreak and loss and the early summer days of relationships.
james is the lead singer and guitarist. sirius is on bass. peter plays drums. remus is second guitar or keyboard, if needed, and also sings harmony. they record their music at the run-down studio near where peter lives, free of charge because he’s mates with the owner.
james with a heart shot through with an arrow on his neck, and full sleeves on his arms, dragons and swords and knights, a lot of arthurian imagery because he likes the idea of that sort of romance, even though he’s perfectly aware love’s not like that, (and also muggle!james will always be an english student to me so headcanon that he got his first tattoo, a sword in a stone, the night after he finished le morte d'arthur), but mixed in with quotes and images from asimov and clarke and bradbury because he’s unashamedly in love with science fiction, the possibility of it all.
sirius with sailor tattoos, you know the sort, ships and anchors and sea monsters on his upper arms from his stint in the navy when his parents got tired of him causing trouble, all mixed in with some lewd pictures that you have to get right up close to see properly and angry words, ‘revolution is a right’ (paraphrased from victor hugo), maybe, or 'the liberation of humanity is all or nothing’ (from the 1968 paris riots). he also has, running around his right wrist, 'we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars’ (wilde) because well, and around his left wrist 'more an antique roman than a dane’ because he would die for his friends, unquestionably. i would probably fight you over those two.
also he has a white sheep on his ankle and thinks it is hilarious.
remus covers himself in literature, and images from that literature. it’s not - like, none of it is visible unless he’s shirtless or his sleeves are rolled all the way up. he has the last line of gatsby ('so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past’), bits from prufrock ('do i dare/disturb the universe?’) and 'what matters most is how well you walk through the fire’ because he’s not a big bukowski fan but he loves that line more than anything, he’s got neruda swirled about with colours and wayward images, he’s got the second coming in honour of his granddad who fought in ww1.
peter has the jabberwocky on his left arm and a rocket ship on his hip, and five birds on his right shoulder. he - there’s meaning behind them, but he’s never told his friends, because he’s worried they’ll think it’s funny. (it’s for his childhood, basically; his mum read him lewis carroll and they laughed their heads off, because carroll is fucking weird, man, nothing’s ever made him feel like the moon landing did, and there used to be sparrows in his back garden in the summer, and he would watch them hopping around and feel happy)
(lol i just realised the majority of these are literature-based. i am a parody of myself)
oh!! also they all have the ramones’ logo on the inside of their right arms, because that’s how they became friends and also decided to start a band, over a love of the ramones.
lily’s got tattoos too actually!! (im really sorry how this turned into just a tattoo post but it develops i promise) she keeps hers quieter, secret, because they mean a lot to her - they’re an image of eve and the serpent and delilah cutting samson’s hair, samson’s eyes open and his hands on hers, encouraging, because lily (although part of the irish catholic diaspora) isn’t particularly devout, she doesn’t even really believe in god, she was thirteen the first time an adult man tried to come onto her and her dad told her she shouldn’t have been wearing so short a skirt, and she sees in eve, delilah, her own experiences, one of the oldest stories humankind has to tell.
she also has mermaids, a gaggle of them on her shoulder, because she likes mermaids. who doesn’t like mermaids.
she’s actually an artist!! i mean, she has a day job, she’s not supporting herself off her art, but because her job is manning the desk at the quietest book shop in the world, she’s mostly free to spend her time sketching. she’s relatively successful, actually, she’s able to earn some extra dosh that way.
she is also part of a grassroots mostly youth anti-fascist group who protest at national front marches etc and raise awareness/money for other more prominent anti-fascist groups like CARF. they were present at the battle of lewisham. lily has a scar running down her cheek from it. it’s faint, but she’s proud of it. and that’s how they meet, actually!! sirius hears about the group via benjy fenwick who’s involved in it himself, and they turn up to the next meeting where, of course, james meets lily for the first time.
and she’s never really heard their music before and tbh after meeting james for the first time she doesn’t really want to, because he’s a brash cocky arrogant git (or so she thinks) and doesn’t seem to think this is serious at all. they begin a kind of hate-flirty relationship (tho the hate is entirely on lily’s side, james thinks she hung the goddamn moon) and would happily bicker for the next century or so if lily wasn’t forced into going to one of their concerts.
and the sheer emotion, the passion behind the music, anger and love and exhilaration all wrapped up in song, just overwhelms her. she loves music, of course, but it’s never felt like this, and james catches her eye and smirks at her and her heart is beating out of her chest, and it’s then she realises: fuck, i’m already in this deep.
and she volunteers to design the album art for their baby album they’re putting together, and she and james end up falling in love obviously
that’s it for now folks i’ll let u know if i’ve got more
Did you read the latest OP, fueling the Zosopp ship???
i did! and i flipped out like a lot …. like in retrospect i should be embarrassed. i have a few zosopp requests and stuff sitting in my inbox that im gonna get to soon !!!! but ive been busy having to focus on other shit so i havent drawn anything good yet i am so sry here have this super fast sopp doodle to chill on until i draw a whole bunch of rly gay stuff
I just looked through my followers for the first time in…. well, a very long time because I basically don’t post things on Tumblr ever. And after clearing out all the spam porn blogs (sigh), I noticed a few Sims players! Hi! You probably followed me because I followed you or liked some of your posts, and you’re probably looking for Sims-related posts.
But, if you’re looking for Sims posts from me, you won’t find them here. You might want to try my Simblr… though, to be honest, I don’t post things there all that often either because I am Bad At Social Media ™. But you’ll have better luck there than here, for sure!
Of course, if you’re looking for a disappointingly vacant blog on no particular topic, you’re definitely in the right place.
in the last year i have unofficially changed my name, failed at getting important grades, gone through the darkest times i’ve ever faced, have had to decide whether to go hard or go home at college, said goodbye to someone that once meant so much to me, made new friendships that are so so incredible and here i am now. to sum it up, all that shit was ultra fucking terrifying at the time, and even in retrospect, i am still confused how the fuck i got through it but i got through it. i mean the last year has been a mix of scary, sad, determination, happiness, amazing, incredible, impressive and just overall not what i expected at all. but here i am, still strolling through the woods and slowly making it outta here with the help of some fantastic people and professionals.
i guess what i’m trying to say is that in the past year, i’ve gotten to a place i didn’t ever think i’d reach, not ever. i’ve found friends i wouldn’t have ever thought i’d be lucky enough to talk to, let alone talk to daily and see. i’ve been accepted in ways i thought only existed in the ‘it gets better’ section of the world. it’s been an terrifyingly incredible stroll, and who knows how it’ll continue, but here i am now, being someone i didn’t ever think i’d be able to be. i am noah sydney cato carter, and i am becoming the person i could only ever dream of being.
So I’m going to admit, I was a little bit hesitant to make an Elsa blog. There were already so many, I had never RPed on Tumblr in the indie scene, and I had a bit of a slow start. But honestly, my time on this account has been more positive than I ever could have hoped. I’ve made some stellar friendships, written some incredible threads, and just had the greatest time on this blog. And now, here we are, six months later and with more followers than I ever thought I deserved and I’m honestly just so freaking happy.
All of you. Every. Single. One of you has made this experience so positive for me, and I won’t lie, making this list is causing me a bit of anxiety because I know I’m going to miss people. Whether we’re mutuals on not, whether we talk a lot of just sorta stare at each other from a distance, whether we write all the threads or just send each other memes, whether you’ve been here from the start or just joined me recently, I am so grateful for all of you.
The people on this list are in no particular order. I wanted to keep this list sort of short, so I’m so very sorry if I didn’t include you - I tried to keep it to the people I interact with the most, as well as a couple people I admire, just to keep it short as possible, but it’s probs gonna get long no matter what. I REALLY hope I don’t miss anybody but I probably will. You guys rock. I love you. OK. Also assume that if you’;re on here on one account this applies to all of your accounts because I love you all.
Special shoutout to ladybugsquests – Buggy has been with me since pretty much the beginning, and even though she’s not RPing right now, she still sends me character development questions and is always an all around joy.