basic bottoms

facts

lana gays = tops

grimes gays = vers bottoms

marina gays = powerbottoms

fka twigs gays = sub tops

beyonce gays = true vers

gaga gays = zygotic gays. can be any gay

taylor swift gays =  basic bottoms

cupcakke gays = vers tops

lorde gays = sub tops and powerbottoms

carly gays = bottoms

sia gays = zygotic gays. can be any gay

britney gays = bottoms

cher gays = daddy doms

madonna gays = daddy subs

bjork gays = weird feitsh gays

9

sassy Slytherin!Yoongi🌵🐍

stages of being on tumblr:

Stage 1: I like this! Very creative! Safe space! I don’t see what the whole fuss about being addicted to Tumblr is tbh.

Stage 2: There’s just… I mean…. there’s definitely some discourse but it’s a nice platform. And that art’s great!

Stage 3: SWEET JESUS I HATE THIS THING AND ITS JUST GOTTEN WORSE MY GOD SOMEONE TAKE IT AWAY SOMEONE KILL IT BUT ALSO THERE’S NEW ART AND OH LOOK A FIC WAIT I HAVE HOMEWORK BUT I NEED TO POST AND THAT PERSON IS TOO HOT OH MY GOD WAIT THERE’S BLOGS DEDICATED TO THEM AND HELP ME THIS HAS STRIPPED AWAY THE MANGLED REMAINS OF MY WILLPOWER AND I NEED TO GET OFF OF TUMBLR!!!!!!!!!

Stage 4: Me? I’ve accepted my fate. But you should run while you still can.

So I made another collection! This round of inspirational quotes goes to the philosophers. Like the other times, I hope you enjoy these inspirational quotes and find them inspiring too!

Plato

  • “The beginning is the most important part of the work.”
  • “A good decision is based on knowledge and not on numbers.”
  • “The good is the beautiful.”

Lao Tzu

  • “From caring comes courage.”
  • “Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”
  • “When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.”
  • “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”
  • “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

Aristotle

  • “Happiness depends upon ourselves.”
  • “You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.”

Socrates

  • “Be as you wish to seem.”
  • “It is not living that matters, but living rightly.”
  • “Let him that would move the world first move himself.”

Epictetus

  • “No great thing is created suddenly.”
  • “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.”
  • “It takes more than just a good looking body. You’ve got to have the heart and soul to go with it.”
  • “First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”
  • “Practice yourself, for heaven’s sake in little things, and then proceed to greater.”
  • “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”
  • “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
  • “Do not seek to bring things to pass in accordance with your wishes, but wish for them as they are, and you will find them.”
  • “It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.”
  • “Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.”
  • “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
  • “The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.”
  • “You may be always victorious if you will never enter into any contest where the issue does not wholly depend upon yourself.”

Soren Kierkegaard

  • “Be that self which one truly is.”
  • “Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living.”
  • “The highest and most beautiful things in life are not to be heard about, nor read about, nor seen but, if one will, are to be lived.”
  • “Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.”
  • “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

Hypatia

  • “Life is an unfoldment, and the further we travel the more truth we can comprehend. To understand the things that are at our door is the best preparation for understanding those that lie beyond.”
  • “Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all.”

Confucius

  • “The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.”
  • “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
  • “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.”
  • “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
  • “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.”
  • “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

Albert Camus

  • “To be happy we must not be too concerned with others.”
  • “Basically, at the very bottom of life, which seduces us all, there is only absurdity, and more absurdity. And maybe that’s what gives us our joy for living, because the only thing that can defeat absurdity is lucidity.”
  • “I know of only one duty, and that is to love.”
  • “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
  • “You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.”
  • “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”

sharkie-heart  asked:

Hi there! I'm not sure if you've answered something similar to this, but I'm wanting to write an autistic character. She's very severe, and has trouble communicating (slurred speech), her personality is also very spacey and oblivious. Any tips, or things to learn about writing an autistic character when I myself am not autistic? Thank you! Take your time!

Thanks for your question, love!  I apologize for the wait, but I’m happy to finally get to answer this :)

So first, I’ve got a a note on what you’ve described about your character.  For one thing, it’s preferred among most autistic people that there be no “sliding scale” of severity – because there are so many different symptoms and combinations of symptoms, and “severity” seems to only relate to symptoms that bother allistic people most.  Here’s a masterpost on how to handle this topic.

So now that this is out of the way, here are my official tips for writing autistic characters!

How to Write Autistic Characters

So it took me some time to prepare for this question, primarily because I saw so little information out there for writing about autism!  And that’s understandable, since it’s such a complex topic – after all, no two autistic people have exactly the same symptoms and coping mechanisms.  Plus, since autism is basically a top-to-bottom different living experience, it’s difficult for allistics to identify with.

But I’m going to discuss this in a few different parts: symptoms, coping mechanisms, positive qualities, and stereotypes to avoid.  I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible without sparing any information :)

Symptoms of Autism

There are many different symptoms of autism, although the mental/emotional aspects of the disorder is most often overlooked by the general public.  It’s important to recognize that every autistic person’s experience and symptoms are different.  Some people have few social problems but they can’t handle the sensory experience of a restaurant; some have few physical problems, but they struggle with OCD and can’t maintain a conversation.  The only difference between symptoms is that some are talked about and some are not, which makes them seem “uncommon.”

Physical Symptoms

  • Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) – SPD is defined as the struggle to process different sensory input – visual, auditory, tactile, taste, olfactory, proprioception, vestibular and interoception.  SPD causes hyper- or hyposentitivities to certain sensory stimuli (e.g. certain clothing textures, food textures, scents, and lighting – especially fluorescent lighting.  Ugh.)
  • Dyspraxia – A result of SPD, dyspraxia makes it difficult to control one’s physical movement.  It creates problems with planning and executing actions, as well as speaking or judging spacial proximity.
  • Sleep Disorder – Many autistic people struggle with sleeping for various reasons – hypersensitivity seems to be the greatest cause.  Offensive sheet fabric, noises, or lighting can cause sleep problems, as well as racing thoughts or anxiety.
  • Lack of Energy (or Spoons) – Often caused by sleep problems or SPD, a lack of energy intensifies normal symptoms.  Understand that when an autistic person engages in a stressful or energy-consuming experience (prolonged socialization, insomnia, bad sensory environments, anxiety, etc.)
  • Nonverbal Communication – This type of communication is used by nearly one-third of autistic people, either because they aren’t able to use language in a meaningful way, because it requires an excessive amount of mental/social energy, or because they suffer from a learning disability.  Some people go temporarily nonverbal in times of stress to conserve energy.  Most nonverbal autistic people learn other means of communication, like writing, sign language, or scripting/echolalia.

Mental Symptoms

  • Executive Dysfunction – This dysfunction makes it difficult for some autistic people to start, finish, and quit tasks; to make decisions and switch activities; and/or create, organize, and follow through with plans.  This should not be confused with procrastination, as it is not a decision – it’s a result of low energy.
  • Alexithymia – Alexithymia can cause autistic people to struggle to identify their own emotions, or separate physical feelings from emotional feelings.  It’s closely tied with lowered interoception, which is defined as the struggle (or inability) to define and assess physical sensations like hunger, thirst, tension, etc.
  • Meltdowns – Meltdowns are an emotional response to overstimulation and stress, causing some autistic people to “lose control” of visceral emotional responses (e.g. shaking, kicking, crying, shouting, etc.).  There is another type of meltdown called a shutdown, which causes an opposite reaction: dissociation and lack of external response.  It’s a flight reaction rather than a fight reaction.
  • Increased Likelihood for Other Mental Disorders – Since the world isn’t exactly built for autistic people, there are plenty of everyday challenges and stressors (as well as difficulty maintaining supportive relationships) that can cause other comorbid disorders, such as OCD, anxiety, and depression.
  • Learning Disability and Late Childhood Development – While autism itself is not classified as a learning disability, it’s often comorbid with different types of learning disabilities.  Autism can also cause late development of speech and motor skills, among other things.

Social Symptoms

  • Hyperempathy or Low Empathy – On two ends of the spectrum, autistic people often struggle with the “right balance” of empathy – being either unable to identify, express, and empathize with emotions, or unable to shut off or control their own emotions as well as to separate themselves from other people’s emotions.
  • Impulsive Behavior – Because of a (sometimes) weak understanding of social rules and/or imbalanced empathy, an autistic person may struggle to stop and think before they say or do something impulsively.  This can cause interpersonal issues, as impulsive speech may offend or hurt others, while impulsive actions may feel too “out-of-control” or “hard to manage” for loved ones.
  • Difficulty Interpreting or Expressing Social Cues – Autistic people often struggle to understand facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, sarcasm, flirting, or figures of speech – and because of this, they can often come off as “oblivious” or “simple” (although this is inaccurate and contributes to a lot of misrepresentation).  It can also be difficult to express social cues, which is why some autistic people can appear to be awkward, clingy, aloof, or uninterested in friendship/romance.
  • Social Anxiety – Social situations can be especially stressful for autistic people, due to the amount of thinking it requires – to interpret cues, to “pass” as allistic, to express themselves clearly, to curb impulses, to handle sensory challenges – and this leads to social anxiety.
  • Social Isolation – As a result of social anxiety, some autistic people experience isolation, as they may feel more comfortable in their own environment, alone.  This is an unfortunate result of ableist culture, and may be worsened by executive dysfunction which can make it difficult to reach out to others.
  • Struggle with Change – Whether in routine, environment, appearance, or the natural changes of life (such as graduation, moving, marriage, death in the family, new job, etc.), change can cause great stress for some autistic people.  This is why many autistic people enjoy comfort objects, old music, childhood memories/interests, or specific, consistent colors, styles, or textures for their belongings.

Coping Mechanisms for Autistic People

There are many methods of coping with the negative aspects of autism, but there are a few that are most popular:

  • Behavioral & Occupational Therapy – Therapy (often combined with medication) is a continuous process of reducing symptoms, coping with stressors, and learning how to function in an allistic world.  (The most common method of behavioral therapy, ABA, has reports of being abusive, so be mindful of this if you’re researching/writing about therapy!)
  • Stimming – “Stimming” or self-stimulating is a physical coping mechanism for sensory overload and similar stress.  Stimming can be healthy or unhealthy depending on the action involved (some unhealthy stims include skin-peeling or hitting one’s head), and it can be conscious or subconscious.  It’s often seen as “weird” or “bad” by allistics (especially parents), so some autistic people train themselves out of the habit from a young age.
  • Special Interests – Special interests are half a coping mechanism and half a natural part of autistic people’s lifestyles.  It’s defined as a devoted interest to one or two subjects or activities – special interests can reduce stress, help focus, and provide motivation against executive dysfunction. 

Positive Qualities of Autism

Now that we’ve gotten all the bad stuff out of the way, I’m gonna list a few common positive qualities of autistic people.  Remember that these do not apply to all autistic people, but may be a natural consequence of autistic traits:

  • Determination
  • Dedication
  • Divergence (from trends and social expectations)
  • Passion
  • Honesty
  • Uncritical nature
  • Attention to detail
  • Good memory
  • Logical reasoning
  • Active imagination
  • Integrity
  • Understanding of what it’s like to be judged or left out
  • Skilled with children

Autistic people, of course, have many other great qualities, and may struggle with many of the above.  Creating a character with all these qualities will yield you a stereotype, so be mindful!


Stereotypes of Autistic People

Finally, there are a few popular stereotypes of autistic characters, which should be avoided at all costs:

  • Autistic People are Psychic – We get this courtesy of shows like Touch, where the (usually nonverbal) autistic child suddenly starts speaking because they see ghosts or are somehow connected to “another world”.  Autistic people joke about themselves being “aliens”… but allistic people really shouldn’t.
  • Autistic People Need Caretakers – While some autistic people do struggle to manage their lives alone, it’s a pretty harmful stereotype in media considering the lack of positive representation autistic people get.  Plenty of autistic people (whether you consider them high- or low-functioning) lead successful lives on their own, and they deserve representation.
  • Autistic People are Burdens – The most stereotypical portrayal of autistic people is that they are the weight pulling on their parents’ ankles – that they destroy parents’ sex lives and make teachers crazy and their friends need a “night off” from their autistic friends.
  • Autistic People are Childlike – While many autistic people enjoy activities geared toward children, and while meltdowns can resemble an allistic child’s temper tantrum, autistic people are not childish or unintelligent.  Autistic adults are adults, no matter their struggles.
  • Autistic People Look Different – Autistic people don’t all look a certain way from birth – this is a myth that has been debunked time and time again, the same way that the Vaccines Cause Autism myth has been debunked, time and time again.  Don’t perpetuate these myths in your writing.
  • Autistic People are Like Robots – Autistic people may not express their feelings well, but they have feelings.  Being nonverbal, being dissociative, being aloof or awkward – none of these things make an autistic person unfeeling or non-human.  Be mindful to show the emotional side of your autistic character, even if they struggle to express it to others.

Resources for Researching Autism

A lot of these are courtesy of @anonymusauthorin, whom I thank very much for her information and deep connection to the autistic community!

  • Ballastexistenz’s blog (on her personal experience with multiple disabilities and autism). [NSFW language]
  • Yes, That Too (blog on the personal experience of an autistic person with other neurodivergencies).
  • Aspects of Aspergers (specifically about Asperger’s, which is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder).
  • Disability in Kid Lit (discussions of disability representation in children’s/YA literature).
  • @scriptautistic is an active advice blog for writing about autism.
  • @autism-asks is an active blog that takes questions about autism.
  • @undiagnosedautismfeels is an active blog that receives submitted anecdotes about autistic struggles, some specific to being undiagnosed/self-diagnosed.
  • @autisticheadcanons is an active blog that receives submissions of characters that actual autistic people headcanon as autistic.  You can find some common submissions (e.g. Lilo Pelekai, Newt Scamander, Sherlock Holmes) and check them out for examples!

Final Note: You may notice that none of these links are affiliated with Autism Speaks, which is for a purpose.  Autism Speaks has a long history of promoting eugenics, abusing autistic children and adolescents, silencing the voice of actual autistics, and promoting a “find a cure” narrative that’s harmful to the minds of both autistic people and potential parents of autistic children.  When doing research, I’d advise you to refrain from using their resources.


Anyway, this was hugely long but I wanted to really go into it, since I didn’t see many other extensive guides on writing about autism.  Note that while I, myself, am autistic, this is only the perspective of one autistic person.  Either way, I hope this helps you with your character!  If you have any further questions, my inbox is open and waiting :)

Good luck!


If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask me!

Meta stuff in my The Melancholy of Haurhi Suzumiya? More likely than you think.

Have you ever stopped to think how meta The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya-light novel series really is? Like in some basic stories they have these stereotypical characters like the silent person who reads in the corner, the cute girl with..well you know what and a mysterious transfer student. Being inspired by those, Haruhi actually constructs that kind of narrative around herself, by getting people into her club that fit these models. In these stories there has been a cute moe character, so Haruhi forcibly makes Mikuru join, who fits into this category. 

In the murder story she basically goes to a place which happens to fit to all of the stereotypical aspects that happen in a murder story(remote location, mansion, has a maid and a butler and etc..) yet again creating this sort of narrative/story/context. Technically it`s Koizumi who stages the murder mystery, but without Haruhi wishing it that would have never happened. 

This goes to even grander scale if we take into consideration the theory which is coined by Koizumi in the beginning of the series, where he tells that the current world was created by Haruhi 3 years ago(currently 4 years ago in their timeline). Like then she literally created the story around her, like holy freaking heck. o_O 

Reblog If You Like

Top! Vanoss
Top! Delirious
Top! Mini Ladd
Top! Wildcat
Top! Nogla
Top! Basically I Do Wrk
Top! Lui
Top! Moo
Top! Terroriser
Top! Cartoonz
Top! Ohmwrecker
Top! Bryce
/or/
Bottom! Vanoss
Bottom! Delirious
Bottom! Mini Ladd
Bottom! Wildcat
Bottom! Nogla
Bottom! Basically I Do Wrk
Bottom! Lui
Bottom! Moo
Bottom! Terroriser
Bottom! Cartoonz
Bottom! Ohmwrecker
Bottom! Bryce
/or/
If you just don’t care who tops or bottoms.

3

Actual Eurovision 2016 winners Måns and Petra

Locked Out // Byun Baekhyun {part two}

Requested: Yes!

Pairing: Byun Baekhyun X Reader

Genre: Collage!AU

Mentions Of: Mean words that some kiddos might not be able to handle.

Word Count: 5.8k

Description: Hi, I’m Y/N, and I’m the Queen of Fucking Everything Up. Here I am, locked outside on a balcony with a dude I shared and awkward hook-up with once and I’d been avoiding ever since, while his ex-girlfriend cries her eyes out and I freeze my ass off in the September air. *Freeze frame* *record scratch* You already know how I got myself into this situation, but I bet you’re probably wondering how I got myself out of this situation? Without further ado, here’s how I managed to come in a full circle and sort my life out, all in one crazy night.

A/N: Finally, it’s done! I actually feel really sad that Locked Out is over :( I hope that it’s lived up to your standards! By the way, all of the opinions expressed in the Never Have I Ever game are pretty much false, I just thought it would be entertaining to add some of them in there. Thank you so much for your support, and, as always, enjoy!

Part one: Here!

Originally posted by baeksilisk


18th September, 3:12pm

“Y/N, you need an intervention,” Sehun stated as he burst through my bedroom door with absolutely no regard for my privacy. “So here it is.”

“Argh, what are you talking about?” I groaned, pulling my flowery blanket over my head, pathetically attempting to fall back asleep and avoid having this conversation with Sehun.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Sehun approached my bed and sat on the edge with precaution. “Honestly, I’m worried about you. Y/N, you can’t keep living like this.”

“Go away Sehun, unless you’re bringing me food,” I grumbled in reply. Sehun sighed loudly and his footsteps echoed on my floor, so I assumed he was leaving once again - I let out a loud yelp when the blanket was forcefully ripped away and the cold air hit my face.

“Seriously, Y/N, what you’re doing to yourself is not healthy whatsoever. It’s 3pm and you haven’t even left your bedroom once today. When was the last time you had a shower?”

“Okay, I get it, Sehun. I’m a pathetic loser who can’t even take care of herself anymore.” I sat up in my bed and an ugly scowl crossed my face. Sehun knew I didn’t want to discuss how, in a short month, I’d become a recluse who wouldn’t even leave her room. It was embarrassing, but I couldn’t help it.

“That’s not what I meant.” Sehun sat down next to me again and placed an arm around my back and rubbed it slowly. “I hate seeing you like this. Yeah, you made a mistake, and yeah, those girls were bitches to you-”

“They were bitches,” I agreed.

“But by moping in your room, feeling sorry for yourself, you’re giving them the satisfaction of knowing they broke you. You don’t want them to win, right? Show them you’re stronger than that!”

“You’re right!” I exclaimed, suddenly full of energy for the first time in one and a half months. “I was a total idiot, but they had no right to treat me like that!”

I’d spent the last six weeks locked in my room, trying to escape the nasty messages my ex-best friend’s clique had been sending me. Okay, so I wasn’t totally innocent in all of this. I’d been an accessory in my best friend’s boyfriend’s cheating debacle, and then acted all shocked when it came back to bite me in the ass. Truth be told, in my ignorance, I thought I’d gotten away with it too.

“A friend of a friend of Suho’s is having a party tonight,” spoke Sehun. He’d convinced me to come hang out with him in the longue, which was a big step for me considering only ten minutes ago I’d been set on avoiding human interaction for the rest of my life.

“I was planning to go by myself but since you’re in such a positive mood, maybe it would be good for you to come too.”

I frowned, nibbling at my bottom lip distractedly. “Friend of a friend?”

“He said it’s not going to be a big party. Just a small gathering,” Sehun rushed to add. One of the brightest smiles I’d ever seen covered his face when I exclaimed, “oh, what the hell. I’ll go,” and it grew even bigger when I added, “damn it, that means I’ll have to get dressed up.”


18th September, 9:42pm

“For god’s sake, Y/N, stop stressing out! It’s going to be fine,” Sehun sighed as he grabbed my hand, forcing an end to my pacing.

“I know, I know,” I muttered back, relaxing slightly. Sehun and I were standing by the curb next to a brightly lit multi-story apartment. Our close friend’s Chanyeol and Suho had insisted we wait for them to get there so we could all go in together. Other people heading to the party smiled as they passed us which reassured me greatly - they either didn’t recognise me or couldn’t care less about what I’d done.

It was another quarter of an hour before our friends actually decided to show up. At first, I was feeling really confident in my sparkly thigh length dress, but now, with the autumn wind chilling me to the bone, I was starting to regret my choice of dress.

“Y/N, you actually showed up!” Suho joked as the two approached Sehun and I. He wrapped me in a warm bear hug and I quickly replied, “well, I figured since I’d basically hit rock bottom, I couldn’t possibly go any lower.”

“You figured you had nothing left to lose, right?” Chanyeol added, coping Suho as I found solace in his fuzzy winter jacket.

Finally, our group was complete (well, apart from Baekhyun. There was a sort of absence that us four seemed to be doing our best to ignore) and we headed inside. By now, I guessed most of the people who were planning to show up for the party were here already because we found the foyer empty.

“There’s a gold elevator?” Cried Sehun.

“He lives on the top floor too,” Suho replied as we piled into the spotless elevator.

“Who is he?” I questioned suspiciously. No one in my extended group of friends owned a penthouse apartment, that I was aware of.

“Uh…” Suho hesitated, glancing nervously at Sehun and Chanyeol before whispering, “you didn’t tell her?” Chanyeol was the first to speak.

“Luhan.” The elevator clicked open.

“You mean, that Lu Han?” I hollered as we poured into a short hallway, eyes bulging from my head.

Already we could hear bassy music blasting through the walls, and a cold sweat suddenly formed over my body. If this was the same Luhan who majored in animation, played a variety of sports, and had girls falling at his feet every time he looked at them, then this was going to be one wild party, to say the least.

And lets be real; there’s only one Luhan I know that’s rich enough to own his own penthouse.

No, I told myself, nothing, not even the fact basically the whole of Seoul will be at this party, is going to ruin my good mood. Nothing.


18th September, 10:06pm

“You must be Suho!” A voice called after said friend knocked on the door at the end of the hallway. The man in the doorway towered over me, but stood at around the same height as my friends. He had light brown hair and wore a leather jacket despite the obvious heat pouring from the apartment.

“It’s good to see you, Luhan,” smiled Suho. This was Luhan? he didn’t look a day over eighteen.

“Come on in! I think most guests are here already,” Luhan stated as he moved from the doorway to let us pass. “I haven’t seen you before, what’s your name?” He winked at me, causing Sehun to let out an exasperated sigh and push me forwards.

“Boy has to hit on everyone,” chuckled Sehun as we entered the party. As soon as we stepped through the door, I was instantly swept up in the partying lifestyle I’d been missing for so long. Loud techno music spewed from a stereo in one corner, while party-goers mingled around a couch. My month fell open when I realised that one whole wall of the penthouse was made entirely of glass, giving me an almost 180° view of the Seoul nightscape. It was covered by a thin, semi-see-through curtain, but it was still breath taking. Every inch of Luhan’s apartment dripped with sophistication - from the Picasso-like paintings on the wall behind me to the self service bar.

“I think I see Jihoon. I better go say hi,” stated Chanyeol, giving me a grin and double thumbs up before pushing through the crowd.

“I need to find the bathroom,” Suho added, flashing a bright smile as he was swallowed by the crowd.

“I think I’m going to find some of my friends also.” I nudged Sehun and he gave me an understanding smile.

““Sure, text me if you need anything at all.”

I decided to head to the kitchen in hopes of finding something there to drink. I was specifically looking for alcohol (I never wanted to be as drunk as I was that July night), but all the sweaty bodies pressed up against me was starting to make me dizzy.The kitchen was still crowded, but significantly less so. There was enough room in here that I could at least breathe without breathing on someone.

“Oh my god. No way,” someone said very loudly from the other end of the kitchen. I stood on my tiptoes to see what all the commotion was about only to be greeted with two boys staring in surprise right back at me.

“Y/N? Is that really you?” A man with snowy white hair gasped. “I can’t believe this.”

“Oh, you better believe it, Taeyong!” I chuckled back, heading to where the two were standing near a punchbowl.

“Have you been purposely avoiding us?” The other boy questioned.

“Bambam, of course not! I-”

“You never replied to any of my texts,” pouted Taeyong, earning himself a sweet smile.

“Yeah,” Bambam agreed. “We miss our study buddy!”

“I’m sorry guys,” I replied, although I had a smile on my face. “I’ve just had a lot of things going on recently.” I hoped the two wouldn’t ask me about it, but they’d probably heard all of the stories already.

Bambam nodded quickly. “Well, the good thing is that the library is a lot quieter since you’re not there,” he teased.

“That is the biggest lie I have ever heard. You’re still there, Bambam,” joked Taeyong as he passed me a cup of fruity punch, earning himself a slap on the shoulder from the other boy.

I laughed at the pair’s antics, and the reality of what I’d been missing out on by staying home hit me fully. I’d selfishly completely neglected all of my other friends, not just Sehun. But maybe getting out wouldn’t be all that bad.

“It was really nice catching up with you guys,” I smiled at my two friends. “I’m going to make my rounds, but I’ll talk with you later!”

“You better!” Bambam called as he and Taeyong waved me off. I turned to face them and yelled back, “I promise!” before twirling around again. I let out a loud yelp when I nearly ran smack-dab into a person coming around the corner to the kitchen. I muttered an apology before looking up to see who I’d almost bowled over: my heart instantly sunk. Baekhyun.

“Woah, gotta watch where you’re going, beautiful.” Baekhyun smiled at me cheekily, but it instantly disappeared when he sighted the stone cold glare I was giving him. I shoved away from him and quickly turned on my heel as he started to speak again.

“Wait, Y/N, we need to talk,” he called, and I didn’t even hesitate to push my way through the crowd to get away from him. In all honesty, I felt like a bit of a bitch. I still harboured incredibly strong feelings for him, but he had broken my trust as indirectly ruined my life. For that, I didn’t think I could ever forgive him.

‘You didn’t tell me Byun was going to be here!’ I quickly text Sehun, hoping Baekhyun had taken the hint and not followed me. He wasn’t.

I glanced to my left, deciding where I was most likely to find Sehun, when I spotted familiar bright pink hair. For the second time that night, my heart dropped.

YOU DIDN’T TELL ME IRENE WOULD BE HERE,’ I sent to Sehun. No response. So I headed right.

My spirits were lifted slightly when I received a large wave from a girl named Park Junghwa. I as a regular at the bookstore she worked for, and I was more than happy to engage in friendly conversation with her to forget about the two people I’d been avoiding for weeks on end.

Alas, I wasn’t going to let anyone ruin my good mood.


18th September, 11:21pm

Thankfully, Junghwa was happy to keep me company for most of the night. We wandered around, noseying through Luhan’s apartment, and Junghwa introduced me to some of her friends. (We’d also spent our time avoiding a very drunk Kim Taehyung who had apparently been going around smacking people’s drinks from their hands and kissing randoms). I’d spotted Sehun a couple of times since we parted; we shared smiles but I stayed my distance, partly because he was hanging around some guys I recognised as Baekhyun’s friends, and also I was aware how much he valued having his own friends.

However, Sehun did approach me later in the evening to ask if Junghwa and I wanted to join in for a classic game of ‘Never Have I Ever’.  Junghwa and I agreed so Sehun led us to a second living room across from the first lounge. As we were walking, I noted a small balcony hidden by a group of students crowded around a pool table in front of it. I could just see the bright lights of Seoul poking through the black curtain covering the doorway, which was probably why I hadn’t noticed it before.

By now, most of the party-goers had drifted towards the self service bar (save for the group by the pool table) so the second lounge was relatively empty. When Junghwa and I entered, I noticed a small circle had been formed already. All of the faces were familiar to me: Chanyeol, Suho, a dude named Yoongi, Jooheon and his friend Wonho, two girls named Sowon and Moonbyul, and Baekhyun, who I did my best to ignore. I would not let him ruin my night.

I found a space next to Jooheon who gave me a light pat on the knee as Wonho said, “right, so that’s everyone?”

Suddenly, Sowon stood up and raced out of the room, shouting, “I’ll be right back!” Everyone shared a look, and a few seconds later Sowon returned with her bubblegum-haired bestie.

I took a deep breath as Irene smiled at the faces around the circle - her smile dropped for a second when her eyes landed on me, but it was so brief I’m certain I was the only one who noticed.

Wonho shrugged as Irene and sat down and proceeded to explain the rules, through I’m pretty sure everybody knew how to play already.

“Okay, I’ll start with something simple,” Yoongi stated after everyone raised ten fingers. “Never Have I Ever dyed my hair.”

“You’re supposed to say something you haven’t done!” Laughed Junghwa as everyone in the circle put down one finger, and the questions continued clockwise. Okay, so maybe not everyone knew how to play.

“Never Have I Ever smoked marijuana,” Suho stated. Jooheon and Yoongi slowly lowered another finger as everyone gasped. “No way!” Sowon cried.

“My turn, my turn,” called Wonho. “Hmm…Never Have I Ever had a one night stand.”

I glanced at Baekhyun briefly and he caught my eye before he looked away - both Baekhyun and I, and Moonbyul and Chanyeol dropped a finger. Surprisingly, no comment was made from the other players.

“Never Have I Ever gone skinny dipping,” stated Moonbyul. Sowon and Irene both lost a finger.

“You’ve been skinny dipping?” Chanyeol piped. “Was it together?”

“Shut up!” Cried Sowon, leaning across Baekhyun to smack Chanyeol for his comment. Irene cleared her throat loudly. “Never Have I Ever cheated on someone, or been an accomplice of a cheater,” she said casually.

My eyes widened at Irene’s remark, and I raised a quick hand to my forehead as the room had suddenly become unbearably hot.

“I don’t think that’s a good question,” mumbled Sehun. “Let’s skip it.”

“I think it’s a very valid question actually, Sehun,” Irene quipped back, staring daggers at my friend.

“You don’t have to answer that question, Y/N,” Baekhyun murmured quietly, although everyone turned to face him anyway.

“N-Next person.” I mentally cursed myself for sounding so weak in front of Irene.

“Okay.” Sowon faltered, tentatively eyeing Irene before continuing. “Never Have I Ever been so drunk that I’ve passed out and when I woke up I had no idea where I was.”

“Guilty!” Moonbyul shouted as everybody dropped a finger, besides Suho and Sowon.

“Bullshit!” Baekhyun cried, and Chanyeol added, “Suho, you were so drunk you passed out in Y/N’s bathtub and when she woke you, you thought she was trying to steal your organs for the black market.”

“Really?” Yoongi laughed, turning to me for confirmation of Chanyeol’s story. However, I could barely manage a small smile in response. I could feel Irene’s eyes on me, watching my every move, and whenever I looked up she was staring right at me with a cruel smile on her face. I was starting to feel a little queasy.

“My turn?” Questioned Baekhyun.

“Actually, I have another one,” claimed Irene. “Never Have I Ever been called a slut.”

“Irene,” Baekhyun warned, as the others not-so-subtly glanced my way.

“Don’t you ‘Irene’ me, Baekhyun. I’m not done.”

I knew Irene wanted nothing more than to hurt me - to make me feel what she felt the moment she was told her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend - but I couldn’t move. I was frozen with fear, but interestingly, I was curious to see how far she would go to humiliate me.

“Never Have I Ever slept with my best friend’s boyfriend. Never Have I Ever lost a friend because of a boy.” She paused. “Come on, Y/N. Put those fingers down. Never Have I Ever sat in my room and cried for three days straight.”

Upon my vision becoming blurred due to tears forming in my eyes, I stood up quickly and retorted, “you’re a bitch, and I hope everyone here can see that. I do not need to sit here and listen to this shit.”

I stormed from the room, wiping frustrated tears from my face, in desperate need for fresh air. As I pushed past people in the living room, I could practically feel their intrigued glances, but I honestly couldn’t care less of what they thought about me. If Irene’s words were anything to go by, people thought it was an emotionally unstable homewrecker already.

“Y/N, wait!” Sehun called, rushing after me and grabbing my arm.

“Don’t you start, Sehun,” I growled, shaking his grip loose. “You’re the reason I’m here in the first place.”

I didn’t really know where I was going, but at least Sehun wasn’t following me. I soon found myself fighting the black curtains for access to the balcony I’d spotted earlier. Luckily, no one tried to stop me. As I slid the glass door closed, I took a deep breath of the crisp Autumn air. It was cool on my skin and burned my lungs, but I much preferred it to the stuffy, suffocating atmosphere inside.

I stood on the balcony, leaning over the railing to look at the city for who knows how long, calming myself down. I heard the sound of curtains being pulled back, and a second later the door clicked open.

“Bugger off, Sehun,” I huffed, peering over my shoulder at the intruder to my alone time. I let out a loud groan when I realised it was definitely not Sehun.

“Nice to see you too, Y/N,” replied Baekhyun, stepping forward to let the door glide shut.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing out here, Byun.” I furiously rubbed the tears from my cheeks - I would not let Baekhyun witnesses me crying.

“I know you’re feeling pretty vulnerable right now, but we really need to talk about what happened. I can tell you’ve been ignoring me.”

“Yeah, and I have a very good reason for that too,” I muttered. “Look, maybe we could talk another time. But not now.” I expected Baekhyun to protest, but instead he let out a loud sigh and mumbled, “yeah, you’re right. Bad timing, sorry.”

He turned to the door after giving me a sad smile and jumped backwards, nearly toppling over the railing. I reluctantly turned around to see what he was fussing about, and my eyes gazed upon a very drunk Kim Taehyung peering at us with a cheeky grin on his face.

“How long has he been standing there?” Asked Baekhyun. Before I could protest what was happening, the lock on the door flicked downwards and Taehyung pulled the curtains closed. In my mind, I like to imagine him running away, gigging to himself.

We had been locked out.

“No no no!” I cried, rushing to the door and bringing my fists down hard on the glass, hoping someone, anyone, would rescue me. Either no one heard, or everyone was too drunk to care, because nobody came to save Baekhyun and I.

“We’re trapped out here forever!” I wailed, whipping out my phone and pulling up Sehun’s contact. ‘Locked outside on the balcony with Byun?????? Please save me!’ I quickly sent.

“Y/N, just relax. We’ll be fine.” This whole time, Baekhyun had been watching me amusedly from the railing.

I’ll get you in a minute, but here me out. Irene’s in the bathroom, wailing about all her regrets from the past months??? She says she wishes she hadn’t been such a bitch to you because now everyone hates her???? Oh she nearly got into a fight with Yeol and Junghwa lmao you should have been there.’

‘She’s got to be drunk,’ I text back. ‘There’s no way she would think that if she was sober.’


19th September, 12:14am

Turns out Sehun’s not very good at keeping promises (as if I didn’t know that already). It had been exactly 37 minutes since I’d text Sehun (I mean, not that I’d been counting or anything), with no rescue party in sight. I’d rung Sehun multiple times, and even tried Suho and Chanyeol too with no answer, while Baekhyun made himself comfortable with the wall behind his back and the balcony railing to his right.

“Face it, Y/N, we’re stuck out here. You may as well make yourself comfortable,” Baekhyun mentioned when he noticed my pacing. He let out a loud sigh, however, when I sat against the opposite wall, clearly frustrated at my attempts to get as far away from him as possible.

“How long are you going to avoid me for?” He asked. A cool, constant breeze blew, causing goosebumps to appear on my limbs. Now I really regretted wearing a dress this short.

“For as long as it takes you to get the hint - I don’t want to talk to you,” I managed through chattering teeth. A confused look crossed Baekhyun’s face, but it was quickly replaced by that of worry.

“You’re freezing, Y/N,” he said, shaking off his thick jacket and throwing it to me across the space between us. It landed with a dull thud beside me. Baekhyun wore only a short sleeved t-shirt underneath.

I don’t want it, you’ll be cold,’ is what I wanted to say, but instead I said, “I don’t want it, I don’t need your help.”

“Honestly, Y/N, right now I don’t give a shit what you want. I’m not letting you freeze to death.” He smiled when I reluctantly pulled the jacket off the ground and over my shoulders. I would never admit it, but his jacket was incredibly warm.

Silence fell between us, the only audible noise coming from our chattering teeth. It was another ten minutes before either of us said anything.

“Y/N, why won’t you let me explain myself? How did we go from best friends to enemies?” Baekhyun said, as casually he would as if he was speaking about the weather.

Anger was quick to bubble up inside me. Was he stupid? Why would he ask a question with such a blatantly obvious answer?

“Do you want to know why I never let you explain yourself, Baekhyun? Because I don’t want to hear your pathetic excuses. I don’t want to know why you thought it would be okay to tell everyone about that night and ruin my life. Ruin my friendships, my reputation, my confidence. Why you did that, I don’t want to know. I want to move on with my life - or what’s left of it - and forget what happened between you and I. Why won’t you let me do that?” I could feel heat burning my face as I stared at Baekhyun, half expecting him not to reply.

“I am so sorry you feel that way about me, Y/N. But you have to understand that I only had the best intentions. I never meant to hurt you.” I rolled my eyes, but let him continue. “After that…night. I freaked out. I really regretted what we did.” He glanced up at me and quickly added, “Well, I regretted the circumstances under which we did that. Anyway, I told my friend Jongdae-”

Kim Jongdae? You told him?” I screeched, throwing my hands up in despair. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“I know, I know. Just let me finish explaining. please. So I told Jongdae for two reasons, because he actually gives some pretty great advice. The first reason was because I was worried Irene would find out and break up with me.”

Ironic.

“You have to understand that I never meant to hurt you or Irene. The second reason I went to Jongdae was because I feared Irene would start hating you and your friendship would be ruined. I know how much you mean to Irene. She used to talk about you all the time.”

Baekhyun shifted in the cold, but gave me a small smile anyway. He must have been nervous, because he wasn’t really making that much sense, but I think I got the jist. By now, the distinctive sound of music and cheers from inside had significantly died down.

“So why did you do it?” I questioned. “You clearly liked Irene a lot, so why did you fool around with me? I know we were drunk, but you were a lot more sober than I was.”

Baekhyun rubbed his neck anxiously before shaking his head and giving a small chuckle. “You know what, fuck it. I don’t care anymore.”

He shuffled forwards towards me, making the gap between us less than half a metre, rather than two. “W-what are you doing?” I asked as Baekhyun grabbed my hand in between his own. I was surprised, but nothing could prepare me for what he would say next:

“I did it because I was in love with you. I was since the day Sehun first invited me around to meet you. I just thought you had feelings for Sehun, so when he introduced me to Irene I thought she would be able to distract me from you. I guess I was wrong.”

Baekhyun peered at me, waiting for a reaction - any reaction - but I had no idea what to say. I was flattered (who wouldn’t be, this is Byun Baekhyun we’re talking about), but I didn’t know what he expected me to say. Was I supposed to lie and say I loved him too? Was I supposed to outright reject him? I mean, it was pretty obvious to almost anyone that I had a crush on him, and if I said I hadn’t dreamt that one day Baekhyun would fall for me, I would be lying. But now I just didn’t know what to think.

“Say something, Y/N. Anything,” pleaded Baekhyun, squeezing my hand. His fingers were colder than ice.

“So…you were in love with me?” I managed, still overwhelmed at this whole situation.

Baekhyun didn’t hesitate with his reply. “Still am, really. And that night at the party, you looked so beautiful and I didn’t want anyone else to have you so I took you home…after that I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“I’m flattered,” I mumbled, feeling a hot blush form on my cheeks. “Thank you for being so honest, Baekhyun. I know I’ve been a total bitch avoiding you. I hope we can still be friends.”

Baekhyun dropped my hand at the same time as his smile faltered. He looked absolutely heartbroken. “I don’t know whether I’d be able to be just friends with you, Y/N,” admitted Baekhyun.

“I think friendship is a good start, and we can see where it leads,” I smiled. “Now come here, you muppet! You must be freezing.”

A wide grin formed on Baekhyun’s face, and he was quick to appear at my side so we could huddle together to prevent us catching pneumonia. I folded his jacket over both our legs and my heart leapt out of my chest when he rested his head on my shoulder. To think five minutes ago I was seriously considering whether I could push him over the railing.

“I never, ever thought this would be happening,” whispered Baekhyun, causing me to chuckle. “That makes two of us.”


19th September, 7:44am

I woke up when the city woke up after catching around three hours sleep - Baekhyun was slightly luckier.

“So if no one comes to free us from up here, this side of the balcony can be my side, but occasionally I’ll let you visit if I’m feeling nice.”

“Baekhyun!” I laughed, smacking his hand down playfully. Somehow, we’d both managed not to freeze overnight, but the sun rising at a very ungodly hour woke me up, and Baekhyun awoke awhile later. We’d passed the time by talking about nothing and everything, and I realised just how much I’d missed being able to talk to Baekhyun.

But as much as I liked spending time with him, I did not want to stay locked out here on the balcony any longer than I had to. I couldn’t feel my legs (I had the concrete floor to thank for that) and I hadn’t ate since over twelve hours ago.

“Should we try knocking on the door again?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Baekhyun replied, although the words had barely left his mouth when the door clicked open and a tired looking Luhan stepped out onto the balcony, coffee in hand. He wore a surprised look when he noticed us, but he quickly reached out to help me up.

“Shit, I forgot you guys were out here,” stated Luhan.

“We’re saved!” Baekhyun cheered, jumping to his feet excitedly. How the boy had any energy left after sleeping on a balcony all night, I had no clue.

“I hope you guys didn’t get up to any nasty business out here.” Luhan peered around the balcony suspiciously.

“The only nasty business we’ve been getting up to is us nearly catching hypothermia,” I joked. “So if you’d excuse me, I’d love to get home and warm up.”

Luhan let us past into the extremely messy, but warm, post-party lounge. Lying on the couch was Sehun, sleeping peacefully, so I grabbed a pillow and whacked him in the stomach with it.

“You’re unbelievable!” I cried when Sehun finally came to. He was super hung over, but still happy to see us (and very, very apologetic, I must add).

“You guys can stay for breakfast if you’d like,” Luhan offered. “My friends Yixing and Minseok are also here too, but it’s the least I can do. I’m just glad you guys didn’t die. My dad would kill me!”


2nd February, five months later.

“Suho said he and Chanyeol are gonna meet us for lunch,” Sehun said after taking a bite from his sandwich.

“That’s cool, I haven’t seen them for awhile,” Baekhyun mused. From my lying position on the grass, I agreed. Sehun, Baekhyun, and I were just chilling on the grass at the university campus, waiting for our next classes (we were supposed to be studying, but take my word for it, it was not going well). I grabbed Baekhyun’s phone and opened the camera, preparing to take a funny selfie by pulling an ugly face.

“That’s really attractive, babe. I’m such a lucky guy,” mused Baekhyun sarcastically.

“You’re a dick.”

“But you still love me.”

“Argh, I can’t stand all this gross mushiness!” Sehun cried.  “Honestly, you guys…” he trailed off, peering at something behind us.

Baekhyun and I both turned around to see two people smiling down at us. A girl and a boy, one with pink hair, the other with blond.

“Hey, Y/N,” Irene said. Baekhyun and Sehun’s mouths simultaneously fell open. “Sehun, Baekhyun,” she nodded. “I want you to meet my new boyfriend, Woo Jiho.”

“It’s nice to officially meet you, Jiho,” I smiled. he nodded in response. A man of few words, I see.

“I’m so glad you convinced me to ask for his number, by the way. I hope your English studies are going well.”

“Oh, no problem! And they are, thanks for asking.”

Irene flashed me a dazzling smile as her eyes darted down to Baekhyun’s hand resting on my knee. “You two are such a cute couple. Anyway, I’ll see you at Wendy’s party this weekend, Y/N?”

“Of course, I’ll see you then,” I replied.

“Awesome. Well, it was nice catching up with you.” Irene and Jiho gave one last wave before turning back around and continuing onto wherever they were originally going. The two boys’ beside me mouths still hung open.

“What just happened?” Sehun got out.

“I have no idea. Am I dreaming?” Baekhyun added, looking to me for answers.

“Well Sehun mentioned Irene said some stuff after Baek and I were locked out on the balcony at Luhan’s party, so I decided to meet Irene to formally apologise and maybe give her some answers she needed. I don’t really know why she agreed to meet with me, I guess she felt pretty guilty for spreading those nasty rumours about me,” I replied.

“But, doesn’t she still hate you for you know, fucking her boyfriend?” Sehun asked.

“You’d think so. But maybe Irene realised we had a good thing going, and it would be stupid to let go of an awesome friendship just because of some lame boy,” I joked.

“Oh, you just got told, Baekhyun!” Cheered Sehun.

“Like you can say much. Isn’t about time you find a girlfriend yourself?”

“Can you imagine that, Sehun with a girlfriend? I pray for her!” I laughed.

“Ugh, now the lovebirds are ganging up on me? Where’s Chanyeol and Suho when I need them?” Wailed Sehun.

And for the first time in a long time, everything felt normal.


To whom it may concern,

If you had asked me six months ago how my life was going, I probably would have burst into tears right then and there. Somehow, by some miracle that I still can’t completely comprehend, my life had done a full 180. I couldn’t be more thankful for the experiences I’ve been through. I also hope you’ve enjoyed coming on this wild ride with me, but as you know, all good stories must come to an end.

Yours sincerely, Y/N.