Sometimes I think about how utterly alone Bartimaeus was in his grief over Ptolemy.
The other spirits who were close to Ptolemy died. All the other spirits despise humans. They have a good reason for that, but that also means they would have zero sympathy for Bartimaeus. Plus, Bartimaeus tells us that spirits can’t afford to get attached to each other when they could be forced to turn on each other at any moment, so there’s no one who would be willing to look past that to try and comfort him, or even to just listen.
Humans are even worse. They’ve been taught to fear spirits, that spirits are demons who can’t possibly feel, to justify their enslavement of sentient beings. They couldn’t care less about Bartimaeus (beyond his use to them) or believe that his feelings are legitimate or real. They’d think he was lying or faking or something, and would just laugh it off. Without knowing or caring of his pain, they wouldn’t even give him a break, or give him something easy to do, so he can have the time to grieve.
There’s literally no one Bartimaeus could tell what happened, without being scorned and mocked, and so everyone would treat him as if nothing had happened.
Even people like Queezle and Kitty who are decent people who would give him a chance, it would probably be almost impossible for Bartimaeus to open up, when everything around him for millennia is denying that he can even feel like that.
So basically, Bartimaeus had to deal with grief and mourning all by himself, in a world that doesn’t even allow him to have those feelings.
Still crying forever about the end of Ptolemy’s Gate but one thing that’s still funny is that when Bartimaeus tries a badass boast to goad Nouda into a fight it doesn’t work and oh if only there was someone annoying enough to be just naturally good at pissing people off
nothing has ever made me cry more than ptolemy's gate. the ending obviously had me weeping like a madwoman but the bartimaeus/ptolemy arc and the alexandria parts had me actually bawling my eyes out. i don't want to and will never forget these books. they are not just children's fairytales but a journey of laughs, tears, sort of not liking a character and seeing them redeem their true selves. it was a ride and it was beautiful and i will always remember it. it was so much that was needed in a trilogy and constituted purely platonic relationships. maybe that's why it's not more famous but i'd choose bartimaeus any day over any ya novels.the whole story is just so ... i'm at a loss of words. there's not really a safe haven for our nat like hogwarts or camp half-blood and any comfort he had like mrs underwood or ms lutyens were taken away from him. he became a creature he didn't really want to be and bart saw all those changes but he still saw the good in him, still saw the brightness of the ptolemy he had lost all those years ago. and then, kitty was a whole another dynamic. her friendship with jakob, her hatred of the magicians, her participation in the resistance. it takes a lot knowing that what you set your entire life to was a false hope. and kitty and bart. there was so much that bart saw in kitty that reminded him of ptolemy and you know one of the most important things in the entire series is the ptolemy/bartimaeus bond. his intentions were the best and bartimaeus took time to understand that but he DID and that's why he loved him. loved him as a person who was the first to be different and recognise each and every soul. like seriously, if you haven't yet read it GO READ BARTIMAEUS. i promise it will be a rollercoaster and it WILL be heartbreaking but completely worth it. you're missing out on a lot, so please I IMPLORE YOU, READ THIS WONDERFUL SERIES.
i really have to study but i can’t stop thinking about the fact that last thing nathaniel ever heard/felt/said was literally all love…. like his dismissal of bartimaeus was an act of love. his entire sacrifice was an act of love, really. his last words were subtle ways to say ‘you mean everything to me’. then you have bartimaeus who wanted to tell nathaniel how he felt but they were sharing a mind so it probably wasn’t words just a feeling of exasperation, and annoyance, and love. i’m so fucked up. he went through his entire life deprived of warmth and compassion, especially recently, and bartimaeus probably returned nathaniel’s final gift with a gift of his own: a feeling that nathaniel was loved. someone stop me
I find that one of the saddest parts of the Bartimaeus trilogy is when, near the start of Ptolemy’s Gate, Bartimaeus takes the form of a lioness, explaining in a footnote that this is because the mane would block his peripheral vision and be a nuisance while fighting, and he describes how terrible it is to have one. Later it’s revealed that Bartimaeus got hit with a Detonation in Alexandria because of the mane.