baron george

Yet More Top Moments in American History (pt. 3)

- Alexander Hamilton pranking everyone by pretending he could commune with ghosts until it got out of hand and he had to clear it up

- John Marshall forgetting his pants

- Aaron Burr trying to sleep on a boat, only to roll off the bed every time it turned

- Thomas Jefferson answering the door to the White House in pajamas

- Dolley Madison’s favorite ice cream flavor being oyster

- John Quincy Adams locking himself out of the White House

- Alexander Hamilton forgetting the password to get back into camp after an evening courting Eliza

- The Sedition Act

- William Maclay saying that John Adams reminded him of “a monkey put in breeches”

- Aaron Burr spending 14 shillings and 6 pence on a coconut “i.e like an ass”

- Washington crossing enemy lines to return a lost dog to general Howe

- Baron Von Stueben’s pantsless flaming shot parties

- In colonial bars you could go in and buy a hose of beer for the night for what is basically a nickel

- Alexander Hamilton misspelling Pennsylvania on the US CONSTITUTION WHICH REMAINS TO THIS DAY

- Jefferson getting to France and immediately spending 200 francs on 50 bottles of Bordeaux (200 francs was the average three month earnings of the lower class)

- Jefferson giving his inaugural addresses and no one being able to hear him

- Abigail Adams having a Newfoundland puppy named Juno

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Pretty much an immigrant is the only reason we have an organized military.

The Amazing Immigrants That Won The Revolutionary War

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Since my Historical Shitpost powerpoints always seem to make people laugh, Here’s the Beginning of Important Figures of the Revolution. This one will be presented in many, many parts! So here is part one! 

[Powerpoint on the Founding Mothers] [Powerpoint on the Founding Fathers]

For those of you that have seen my Drunk History: The Capture of John André video, you probably remember the point around 05:45 where I sadly (and on the verge of sweet, alcohol induced tears) whispered about how much everyone loved our favorite British spy, John André. I spent a good portion of that video repeatedly discussing the various Continental officers who came into contact with André and even went so far as to… put my own spin on a number of quotes from some of those officers.

I realized, in sobered up retrospect, that a lot of people may not have seen the exact quotes before (though I was actually pretty spot on with my recollection of them despite being inebriated, if I do say so myself), and I’ve decided to put together a small collection of quotes about him by members of the Continental Army so you all could see how much, yes, everyone loved John André.

“Never did a man suffer death with more justice, or deserve it less. There was something singularly interesting in the character and fortunes of André. To an excellent understanding, well improved by education and travel, he united a peculiar elegance of mind and manners, and the advantage of a pleasing person.” –– Alexander Hamilton

I’ve discussed Hamilton’s admiration of André at length before, but I always love bringing it up because, come on. Hamilton wrote a 3.8k word letter to John Laurens that was primarily about how great André was and how sad it was that he died. And that’s a lot coming from Hamilton, considering he tended to not really like anybody.

It should also be noted that Hamilton was engaged to Elizabeth Schuyler at the time of André’s death. Funnily enough, Schuyler had expressed interest in André prior to her betrothal to Hamilton; Hamilton wrote her of André’s execution, while also expressing his insecurities as he compared himself to the recently deceased British officer:

“I confess to you I had the weakness to value the esteem of a dying man; because I reverenced his merit.

I fear you will admire the picture so much as to forget the painter. I wished myself possessed of André’s accomplishments for your sake […]”

Benjamin Tallmadge, quizzical beagle and spymaster extraordinaire, was with André for a majority of his time in American custody. Tallmadge was the one to bring him to his final holding place at the Old ‘76 House. On the way there, when André asked what would become of him, Tallmadge was reminded of his college buddy Nathan Hale, who had been hanged by the British four years prior. His response to André was simply, “and similar will be your fate.” Don’t let that slightly chilly answer fool you, though. Tallmadge may have been the most attached to André of them all:

“From the few days of intimate intercourse I had with him, which was from the time of this being remanded to the period of his execution, I became so deeply attached to Major André, that I could remember no instance where my affections were so fully absorbed by any man.”

“I walked with him to the place of execution, and parted from him under the gallows, entirely overwhelmed with grief, that so gallant an officer and so accomplished a gentleman should come so such an ignominious end.”

“When I saw him swinging under the gibbet, it seemed for a time utterly insupportable: all were overwhelmed with the affecting spectacle, and the eyes of many were suffused with tears. There did not appear to be one hardened or indifferent spectator in all the multitude.”

One of the men severely affected by André’s death was none other than the Marquis de Lafayette, who was rumored to have cried at the scene. Obviously, this wouldn’t be unlikely, considering that multiple accounts state that most of the men in attendance were moved to tears by André’s execution. That being said, Lafayette was also a part of the board that ultimately sentenced André to his death. The court also included Nathanael Greene and Baron von Steuben, who said of Andre, “It was not possible to save him.” 

“All the court […] were filled with sentiments of admiration and compassion for him. He behaved with so much frankness, courage and delicacy that I could not help lamenting his unhappy fate. This was one of the most painful duties I ever had to perform.” –– Lafayette

George Washington had quite a bit to say about Major André. While André was alive, he was treated well by Washington’s staff and even served food from Washington’s table. While many disagreed with Washington’s decision to go through with André’s hanging (instead of execution by firing squad as André had requested), it seems as though it was done more for the principal than it was indicative of Washington’s feelings toward the soldier. We can see his true opinion of André in the following:

“Everything that is amiable in virtue, in fortitude, in delicate sentiment, and accomplished manners, pleads for him; but hard-hearted policy calls for a sacrifice.”

“He was more unfortunate than a criminal, an accomplished man and gallant officer.”

In case all of that doesn’t convince you that literally everyone in the Continental army was a little bit in love with John André, this is an excerpt from the inscription on the memorial at the site of his death in Tappan, New York:

“His death, though according to the stern code of war, moved even his enemies to pity, and both armies mourned the fate of one so young and so brave.”

  • Washington: Baron Von Steuben, you see before you - the army. Drink us in.
  • Von Steuben: There's four hundred of you.
  • Washington: Are there though? Count again.
  • Von Steuben: Not four hundred.
  • Washington: Four.
  • Von Steuben: Right. Well... that's unfortunate. I should probably speak to supplies management.

Hi my name is Baron Marius Thomas Tel'bon Victor Pontmercy and I have thick and intensely black hair and a high, intelligent forehead that contrasts my sensual smile and passionate flaring nostrils and a lot of people tell me I look like Victor Hugo (the humble author, who is, reluctantly, compelled to speak of himself, has to note here that anyone who does not know who he is should stop reading at this point). I’m directly related to Colonel Baron Georges Pontmercy and that’s great because he was a major fucking hottie. I’m not royalist but my teeth are the whitest in the world. I have small eyes, but a grand gaze. I’m also a law student, and I go to a school called Paris University in France where I’m finishing my studies (I’m seventeen). I’m a Bonapartist democrat (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love family heirlooms and try to encorporate them in my outfits. For example today I was wearing a black shagreen locket with a note from my father in it and a band of crepe on my hat. I was carrying around a hundred calling cards with my name in my pocket. I was walking around Paris. It was a warm day with bees flying around, which I was very happy about. A lot of Republicans stared at me. I put my middle finger at them.