baritone horn

what the instruments do the night before a Big Concert™
  • french horn: the only ones who are well rested and prepared for the concert
  • tuba: runs around screaming
  • euphonium / baritone: looks to see what the tubas are doing, and then Not That
  • flute: gets 12 hours of sleep they don't deserve
  • mellophone: gets ice cream and ignore their problems
  • trumpet: perfecting the solo and outfit well into the night
  • trombone: stays up until 3am for no reason
  • piccolo: night terrors about intonation. 1 hour of sleep at best
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • clarinet: stress out about disappointing their conductor/parents/selves
  • oboe: frantically making reeds
  • bassoon: frantically thinking about making reeds but being too lazy to actually make them
  • percussion: either high at Denny's or running around with the tubas
  • piano: cursing Chopin
The Instruments As Shit My Extended Family Did Over Thanksgiving
  • flutes: spilled red wine all over the tan carpet
  • clarinets: spent 95% of the time playing pokémon sun
  • saxophones: viciously heckled anyone playing mariokart if they were not in first
  • trumpets: wore a bluetooth headset constantly despite never using it
  • horns: took a generous sip of scotch besides being generously pregnant
  • trombones: brought up politics™
  • baritones: claimed more alcohol made him better at mariokart; was correct
  • tubas: guilt tripped everyone into watching college sportsball
  • percussion: made a disturbingly convincing case for my weird uncle being a former government spy
The Stereotypical Musician
  • Band Version, as determined in a half hour discussion in the band room
  • Piccolo: Quirky, lighthearted, wants to be left alone about their instrument
  • Flute: Takes things way too seriously
  • Clarinet: Shy, goofy when you get to know them, watches anime
  • Oboe: Tired
  • Alto Saxophone: Chill, usually an attractive guy
  • Tenor Saxophone: Awkward girl
  • Bari Sax: Doesn't look like they should be playing bari sax
  • Bassoon: Tall and serious girl or a short carefree guy
  • Bass Clarinet: Short and irritable
  • Trumpet: Immature, but fun
  • French Horn: Very few morals, if any
  • Trombone: Very flamboyant in all that they do
  • Tuba/Baritone: fat white guy with pimples
  • Percussionist: either is very serious about their instruments, but doesn't have the best rhythm or not very serious about their instruments but knows what they're doing.
  • Me: I love and care for my instrument. I always treat it with the most respect!
  • Me: *Forgets to oil valves, throws case half way across the room, never polishes it*
  • Me: I love it like a son
band tropes

flute/piccolo: stone cold bitch. will kill a man for a solo.

clarinet: absolute nerds. chill 99% of the time.

french horn: Yikes. they’re either a mess or hella salty. or both.

trumpet: there’s like ten million of them. and they all think they’re the best in the band.

alto/tenor sax: they don’t have any friends, but they’re pretty nice.

bari sax: dedicated. very strong willed.

trombone: still laughs at shitty 2009 memes. wears velcro shoes. Avoid At All Costs.

baritone: they don’t practice, and yet? they don’t mess up. except for “wait, is this A flat or sharp? first valve or second? what?”

tuba: they are not kind. usually annoyed with the rest of the band.

percussion: half of them don’t give a fuck, the other half give a fuck AGGRESSIVELY

how the instruments spend practice room in time
  • tuba: don't even bring their instrument in unless it's to fool their bd. make no mistake, a "practicing" tubist is actually heckling other musicians
  • baritone: doing their best
  • trombone: angry wailing siren noises that everyone in the school can hear punctuated by long silences: the silences are them battling the woodwinds
  • french horn: sitting alone in a practice room they have cordoned off with a Les Mis style chair barricade. they are Determined to practice
  • trumpet: every trumpet player is in the same practice room. they mean well but practicing is fruitless
  • clarinet: practicing fingerings or fighting the trombones
  • saxophone: likely seducing a clarinet player with awesome jazz
  • flute: the upperclassmen are trying. the middle schoolers are asking how to finger every other note
  • oboe: floating between the practice rooms, cross pollinating gossip like bees
  • bassoon: ?????????? no one knows, not even themselves
  • percussion: the reason no one else can hear themselves play

So I was looking at this booklet/CD set thing an old band director gave me. It’s a “history of music” type thing. For the most part, it’s pretty good information and would be a nice introductory material for a music appreciation course or something.

Then I got to this page…

Seems pretty legit, right??? But wait…

wft is this shit? seriously? THAT IS NOT A “BASS CLARINET” IT IS A SOPRANO SAXOPHONE WHAT THE HELL

wait wait aRE THOSE TIMPANI MAdE OF WOOD OR SOME SHIT???

is… is that from a drum set??!??? ugh…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!! THAT IS NOT A FUCKING TUBA YOU IGNORANT FERRET

and what about the fucking “contrabassoon”? NO. NO. THAT IS A GOD DAMN BASS FLUTE YOU INSUFFERABLE TOMATO

This is ridiculous. Who the hell let this through to be published?! What absolute spleen weasel of an editor was drinking vodka and turtle piss when this came to their desk?

I’M LAUGHING VERY HARD BUT I’M ALSO VERY UPSET

Alignments
  • Lawful Good: Flute, Violin
  • Neutral Good: Bass Clarinet, Double Bass
  • Chaotic Good: Cello, Bari Sax, Harp
  • Lawful Neutral: Tuba, Trumpet
  • True Neutral: Alto Sax, Bassoon
  • Chaotic Neutral: Trombone, Oboe
  • Lawful Evil: Viola, Clarinet, Piano
  • Neutral Evil: Tenor Sax, Percussion
  • Chaotic Evil: Piccolo, Baritone, French Horn
some choice quotes from band camp 2k16

“There are a ton of French horns here.” “One of my friends plays French horn.” “I’m sorry.”

“Like, what was the guy who invented bagpipes REALLY trying to do?”

“I want everyone to go around the circle and say why they signed up for this improv class.” “Well our jazz band’s bass trombonist just graduated and I want to rise up and crush his legacy.”

“To play tuba you need to breath like a fat German man.”

“There are 7 bassoons. Why are there so many? There should be, like, -1 bassoons.”

*talks to a pinwheel* “It’s laughing at you because you aren’t playing with enough air.”

“Dude, this sousaphone is bigger than your future.”

“Hey kids wanna buy some reeds?”

*teaches the entire trombone section the When Mama Isn’t Home song*

“This is a church piece, not like hamburgers and brats.”

*entire tuba section stands in a circle and discusses astrophysics when they should be warming up*

“DUDE a bassoon would make a SWEET bong!”

*attempts to use a lightsaber as a mute*

“Alright, tubas, just blow into your mouthpiece.” *literally every tuba player just screams into their mouthpiece*

*percussion director keeps using the word “lit”*

“Dude, you look like you’re going to go mug someone, but like… A classy mugging.”

*tuba counsellor pulls all the tubas off to the side to take a pre-concert selfie while on stage*

my opinions on the instruments since you guys are asking (reblog and add yours!!1!)

french horn: honestly so pure. i always think of Dvorak’s 9th when i hear them and u g h y e a s

tuba: my bias here should be obvious

euphonium / baritone: honestly they’re so pretty and cute and nice to listen to. basically improved versions of tubas (sorry @me)

flute: pretty but anyone who can play them is clearly dabbling in dark magic

mellophone: i haven’t met one but i really like their sound. its so nice and… not to be redundant but mellow

trumpet: tbh i could listen to trumpets all day. even beginning players sound amazing to me

trombone: i always listen to the trombones when i’m confused on my part, so they’re sort of my anchor. thanks frens 

piccolo: similar to flutes but the notes are even prettier and the players are using even more dark magic

saxophone: honestly saxophones=awesome jazz to me, and i love jazz, so 

clarinet: they sound like the ethereal wood fairy version of flutes (im not sure why i think this). there’s a really good clarinet player at our school so i always think of their solos when clarinets get brought up

oboe: like clarinets but more flute and less wood fairy

bassoon: oboes but stronger

percussion: thank you kind friends for keeping the beat when i am too lazy to count

piano: probably the very purest musical insturment

viola: like with french horns i always think of Dvorak and how awesome y'all’s parts are in his stuff

violin: amazing but also definitely dark magic

cello: i live to listen to cello solos. (also just Dvorak in general, but the two are intertwined)

bass: you’re the string version of me. i respect you

tl;dr I REALLY LIKE CLASSICAL MUSIC

what happens in sectionals
  • Flutes: Sarah brought her Easy-Bake Oven and made brownies for everyone
  • Oboes: Arguing over who is out of tune
  • Clarinets: Group reading of Fyodor Dostoyevsky's "Crime and Punishment"- or another work of depressing/morbid Russian literature
  • Bass Clarinets: Attempting to use their bells as bowls for their Flamin' Hot Cheetos
  • Saxophones: Seeing who can play careless whisper the most times in a row without passing out
  • Bassoons: *awkward silence*
  • Trumpets: Wait, we had a sectional????
  • Horns: Playing the marching show as loudly as possible without the director hearing
  • Trombones: Seeing who can do the best armpit fart
  • Euphoniums: Nobody knows...
  • Tubas: Seeing who can get their head the furthest into their tuba
  • Percussionists: Using sticks/mallets as walrus tusks
Brass problems

Leaky water keys

Transposing

Running away from tubas

Practising all day and then waking up with a split lip

Playing piano

Being the only girl in the section

Rowdy 12 year old boys trying to take over the trumpet section

Being totally undermined by the rest of the orchestra while knowing that you’re secretly the best you just don’t want everyone else to get jealous

Anything above a top C

Forgetting your mute

Being the only one to remember a mute

Being section leader/principal and trying (and failing) to control your section

Chromatic scales

Counting anything over 4 bars of rests and drifting off because you have a terrible attention span

People calling your baritone a tuba

People calling your instrument a different brass instrument

Not being able to use vaseline. Ever.

Having that one responsible prick in the section and not having any fun

Being that one responsible prick in the section and controlling the fun

People laughing when you say your instrument is called a cornet and asking where the ice cream is Double tonguing Triple tonguing Just tonguing. Practising for over two hours before a rehearsal and not having enough lip left Deciding whether or not it’s worth buying a practise mute Wasting money on a practise mute because they don’t fucking work.

The sections as quotes from marching season

Director: “I will not hesitate to come down off of this tower and personally out march every single one of you”

Drum Major: “I can tell it’s a good performance when I almost fall off the podium”

Piccolo/Flute: “Put your phone away” *pulls out phone*

Clarinet: “Another one? That’s the third reed I’ve broken this week!”

Low reeds: “If you miss your set just give ‘em the old razzle dazzle”

Saxophone: “Get your feet on the beat or I’ll break your legs”

Mellophone: *2 hours into rehearsal* “I just realized that I left my mouth piece in my case”

Trumpet: “let’s take everything up an octave and see how long it takes the director to notice” *cracks every note*

Trombone: “Is this your first time playing trombone? You know more positions in bed than on your horn”

Baritone: “JUST DO IT”

Sousaphone: “I HAVE KNOTS IN MY SHOULDER THE SIZE OF AFRICA”

Drumline: “I don’t know why it’s so hard to get your feet on the beat when you’re playing QUARTER NOTES”

Pit/Front Ensemble: “You don’t even have to march WHY ARE YOU RUSHING?”

Color Guard: “No, sir. We can’t practice today it’s kinda windy.”