bariton

Fear

I fear the voices of angels.

They all sound delicately different, some with deep, husky baritones, and other mezzo-piano, and soft.

I fear the truth they speak, because an angel does not lie. They only bare the truth, even if it’s sorrowful.

I fear when they sing.

When they sing, the dead rises. When they sing the oceans rage and the skies darken.

I fear when they sing the most.

When an angel sings, drums of war sound behind them, names of long dead gods are whispered.

I fear, that the voices of angels are the most terrifying oddities.

The Stereotypical Musician
  • Band Version, as determined in a half hour discussion in the band room
  • Piccolo: Quirky, lighthearted, wants to be left alone about their instrument
  • Flute: Takes things way too seriously
  • Clarinet: Shy, goofy when you get to know them, watches anime
  • Oboe: Tired
  • Alto Saxophone: Chill, usually an attractive guy
  • Tenor Saxophone: Awkward girl
  • Bari Sax: Doesn't look like they should be playing bari sax
  • Bassoon: Tall and serious girl or a short carefree guy
  • Bass Clarinet: Short and irritable
  • Trumpet: Immature, but fun
  • French Horn: Very few morals, if any
  • Trombone: Very flamboyant in all that they do
  • Tuba/Baritone: fat white guy with pimples
  • Percussionist: either is very serious about their instruments, but doesn't have the best rhythm or not very serious about their instruments but knows what they're doing.
what the instruments do the night before a Big Concert™
  • french horn: the only ones who are well rested and prepared for the concert
  • tuba: runs around screaming
  • euphonium / baritone: looks to see what the tubas are doing, and then Not That
  • flute: gets 12 hours of sleep they don't deserve
  • mellophone: gets ice cream and ignore their problems
  • trumpet: perfecting the solo and outfit well into the night
  • trombone: stays up until 3am for no reason
  • piccolo: night terrors about intonation. 1 hour of sleep at best
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • clarinet: stress out about disappointing their conductor/parents/selves
  • oboe: frantically making reeds
  • bassoon: frantically thinking about making reeds but being too lazy to actually make them
  • percussion: either high at Denny's or running around with the tubas
  • piano: cursing Chopin
Terrifying things said in my marching band

“Go back to set 1”

“Because the Trumpets won’t listen, we are running part 2 all the way through”

“Ok water break over!”

“I’m gonna try to jump over all the clarinets and flutes I can.”

“Did someone step on my instrument?”

“DOES ANYONE HAVE AN EXTRA PLUME?!?”

“MIKE BROKE A CAN OF HAIR SPRAY IN THE TUBA ROOM!!”

“Holy shit the directors pissed!”

“This isn’t your jacket”

“No watch me I can colo-I CAN COLOR GAURD WITH MY BARRY CLARINET WATCH”

“a cheerleader broke a prop holy shit we’re walking on the field right now”

*starts performance* “DRUM MAJORS, IS YOUR BAND READY??”

“No I don’t need to count.”

“Watch me chug this Mountain Dew.”

“Guys…we can’t warm up before halftime because the refs won’t let us.”

“They cut funding again.”

The Instruments As Shit My Extended Family Did Over Thanksgiving
  • flutes: spilled red wine all over the tan carpet
  • clarinets: spent 95% of the time playing pokémon sun
  • saxophones: viciously heckled anyone playing mariokart if they were not in first
  • trumpets: wore a bluetooth headset constantly despite never using it
  • horns: took a generous sip of scotch besides being generously pregnant
  • trombones: brought up politics™
  • baritones: claimed more alcohol made him better at mariokart; was correct
  • tubas: guilt tripped everyone into watching college sportsball
  • percussion: made a disturbingly convincing case for my weird uncle being a former government spy
what the instruments do when they're having a good day
  • tuba: play super loud notes for no reason while the band is warming up
  • trombone: hitting the section in front of them with their slides with impunity
  • baritone: mischievous smile. they have stolen something from someone's backpack, and they will not return it without a fight
  • french horn: join in with the brass's mischief instead of pretending they're actually a woodwind like usual
  • trumpet: less egotistical than usual
  • bassoon: more egotistical than usual
  • clarinet: not actively sharpening a reed into a shank
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • flute: actually try to play every note instead of giving up when it gets too low or too high
  • oboe: give reed-making tips
  • piano: not crying over Chopin
  • percussion: actually playing their part and going to where they're supposed to be at the beginning of pieces
5

Up next on weird instruments I found at NAMM: piccolo French horn, “wave” flute, Bass trumpet, and a trombone with a slide AND keys

band tropes

flute/piccolo: stone cold bitch. will kill a man for a solo.

clarinet: absolute nerds. chill 99% of the time.

french horn: Yikes. they’re either a mess or hella salty. or both.

trumpet: there’s like ten million of them. and they all think they’re the best in the band.

alto/tenor sax: they don’t have any friends, but they’re pretty nice.

bari sax: dedicated. very strong willed.

trombone: still laughs at shitty 2009 memes. wears velcro shoes. Avoid At All Costs.

baritone: they don’t practice, and yet? they don’t mess up. except for “wait, is this A flat or sharp? first valve or second? what?”

tuba: they are not kind. usually annoyed with the rest of the band.

percussion: half of them don’t give a fuck, the other half give a fuck AGGRESSIVELY

some choice quotes from band camp 2k16

“There are a ton of French horns here.” “One of my friends plays French horn.” “I’m sorry.”

“Like, what was the guy who invented bagpipes REALLY trying to do?”

“I want everyone to go around the circle and say why they signed up for this improv class.” “Well our jazz band’s bass trombonist just graduated and I want to rise up and crush his legacy.”

“To play tuba you need to breath like a fat German man.”

“There are 7 bassoons. Why are there so many? There should be, like, -1 bassoons.”

*talks to a pinwheel* “It’s laughing at you because you aren’t playing with enough air.”

“Dude, this sousaphone is bigger than your future.”

“Hey kids wanna buy some reeds?”

*teaches the entire trombone section the When Mama Isn’t Home song*

“This is a church piece, not like hamburgers and brats.”

*entire tuba section stands in a circle and discusses astrophysics when they should be warming up*

“DUDE a bassoon would make a SWEET bong!”

*attempts to use a lightsaber as a mute*

“Alright, tubas, just blow into your mouthpiece.” *literally every tuba player just screams into their mouthpiece*

*percussion director keeps using the word “lit”*

“Dude, you look like you’re going to go mug someone, but like… A classy mugging.”

*tuba counsellor pulls all the tubas off to the side to take a pre-concert selfie while on stage*

how the instruments spend practice room in time
  • tuba: don't even bring their instrument in unless it's to fool their bd. make no mistake, a "practicing" tubist is actually heckling other musicians
  • baritone: doing their best
  • trombone: angry wailing siren noises that everyone in the school can hear punctuated by long silences: the silences are them battling the woodwinds
  • french horn: sitting alone in a practice room they have cordoned off with a Les Mis style chair barricade. they are Determined to practice
  • trumpet: every trumpet player is in the same practice room. they mean well but practicing is fruitless
  • clarinet: practicing fingerings or fighting the trombones
  • saxophone: likely seducing a clarinet player with awesome jazz
  • flute: the upperclassmen are trying. the middle schoolers are asking how to finger every other note
  • oboe: floating between the practice rooms, cross pollinating gossip like bees
  • bassoon: ?????????? no one knows, not even themselves
  • percussion: the reason no one else can hear themselves play

if y'all are ever worried about messing up during a concert just keep in mind that last night during a chamber concert i was in a clarinet quartet and squeaked so damn loudly and fucked up a solo part and later on i was talking about it and everyone was like “you did what?????” either they didn’t notice or they didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to sound like that, but either way, it doesn’t matter as much as you think it does