Lucas Vazquez with his girlfriend Macarena Rodriguez and brother during the 2016/2017 Turkish
Airlines EuroLeague Regular Season Round 27 game between Real Madrid v
FC Barcelona Lassa at Wizink Arena on March 22, 2017 in Madrid, Spain.
97’ — A wide-eyed Gareth Bale peeks out from behind an advertising board to see if things have calmed down yet. He quickly ducks back down, closes his eyes and texts his parents, “I need an adult.”
101’ — Sergio Busquets steps on Pepe’s head, somehow breaks both his leg and Pepe’s.
102’ — Xavi complains about Pepe’s head being too dry and not providing Busquets’ foot with the proper support.
108’ — Xabi Alonso proposes an adjustment for “Messi inflation,” where three Messi goals only count as one on the scoreboard. The referee laughs, so Xabi tries to act like he meant it as a joke.
113’ — Sergio Ramos is shown another red card for carelessly using all the hot water in the shower. Barcelona are awarded another penalty.
114’ — Messi converts by giggling while he shoots. He then attempts to eat the badge on his shirt just to prove that Barcelona is inside him and that he can live on the club’s crest as his sole source of nutrition.
121’ — Iker Casillas patiently waits for the next Champions League match. He occasionally sighs.
125’ — Marcelo hauls Andres Iniesta down in the box, Arsenal’s Kieran Gibbs is sent off.
126’ — Messi converts yet another penalty, this time faking the goalkeeper out by nearly vomiting up the piece of fabric he ate earlier just before shooting.
134’ — Infuriated by his perception of referee bias, Cristiano Ronaldo unleashes an animalistic roar towards the heavens in an attempt to morph into his unstoppable final form.
137’ — Gerard Pique begins to bleed from every orifice, signalling that the end is near.
139’ — Ronaldo continues to scream, waiting for something to happen. He lifts up his two Ballon d'Or awards to try and speed up the process.
142’ — As he keeps screaming, Messi converts 12 more penalties, alternating between giggles and dry heaves each time.
143’ — Gareth Bale texts his parents from behind the advertising board again, this time just using a series of distressed emoji and exclamation points.
145’ — With Ronaldo still shouting, the ground shakes, causing every player on both teams to fall down clutching their face. A giant sinkhole swallows the center of the pitch. Former Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho emerges from the hole. As everyone gasps in astonishment, Mourinho smirks, pokes Tata Martino, Carlo Ancelotti and the referee in the eye and then casually walks away.