*Jesus comes back to America tomorrow.* Jesus: “Well, here I am!” (He’s Jesus. He expects a nice applause, obviously.) *Trump* “He’s an evil loser. He’s from the middle-east. Is he documented? He doesn’t speak English. He concentrates on the poor. He wants sick babies to have healthcare. He’s a vile socialist! He’s a bad guy!”

Jesus: “Who the fuck are you?”

Christians who watch Fox News: “Well, we frankly don’t know who to back here. But Jesus should learn English and pick up a gun. Let’s get that straight.” 

Dear Gossip Websites,

Please leave the Obamas alone. Not because I don’t want to see pictures of them, but moreso because I have to hear commentary about their “behavior” and you know… they left office and people just want to put their energy on them instead of… you know… what’s going on with the current Administration.

How about you examine that hand slap the current “first lady” did to her husband instead?

Think of the ratings. You’ll have the highest ratings. The best ratings. Bigly.