bar mitzvah boy

Falsettos, badly explained by me
  • Four Jews in a Room Bitching: yeah it's exactly what it sound like
  • A Tight-Knit Family: yeah, good luck with THAT, pal
  • Love is Blind: oh my god Mendel now is not the time
  • Thrill of First Love: "mEn IN CufFliNKs MaKE mE fOrgET My NaME"
  • Marvin at the Psychiatrist: Mendel is about to get fired for being horny on main
  • My Father's A Homo: what a cute kid
  • Everyone Tells Jason to See a Psychiatrist: again, exactly what it sounds like
  • This Had Better Come to a Stop: LATE FOR DINNER LATE AGAIN LATE FOR DINNER LATE AGAIN
  • I'm Breaking Down: bitch me too the fuck (Alternately: Trina is the living version of the "right in front of my salad" meme)
  • Please Come To Our House: Trina chill your kid's fine
  • Jason's Therapy: But for real, IS this therapy?
  • A Marriage Proposal: the worst proposal speech E V E R
  • A Tight-Knit Family (Reprise): uh Marvin you left your wife and kid I think we passed that point already
  • March of the Falsettos: fuck toxic masculinity
  • Trina's Song: depression™
  • The Chess Game: Marvin you extra bitch did you just break up with him over a CHESS GAME
  • Making a Home: see I want them all to be happy but I'm BORED
  • The Games I Play: the song that singlehandedly made me care about Whizzer
  • Marvin Hits Trina: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK
  • I Never Wanted to Love You: me @ everyone in this show
  • Father to Son: Jason- "I think girls are the most beautiful thing..." My bisexual ass: "relatable"
  • Falsettoland: It's about to go to hell, we might as well have some fun. (tag yourself; I'm "spiky lesbians")
  • The Year of the Child: just let my boy have his bar mitzvah he's had a hard time already
  • Miracle of Judaism: uh sweetie you are in the middle of a baseball game now is not the time for being horny
  • The Baseball Game: they are WAY too into this game
  • A Day in Falsettoland: Oh, MAN, you know it's about to go to hell when everyone's talking about how nice it is.
  • Everyone Hates His Parents: everyone needs to chill the fuck out and have some bread
  • What More Can I Say: When did I get so emotionally invested in these two what the FUCK
  • Something Bad Is Happening: H E R E W E G O T I M E F O R P A I N (side note: does Tracie Thoms only play smart lesbians in the 80s-90s surrounded by people with AIDS??)
  • Holding to the Ground: ouch
  • Days Like This: Oh okay good I can breathe again
  • Cancelling the Bar Mitzvah: Trina I love you with all my heart but you're giving me a headache.
  • Unlikely Lovers: HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY
  • Another Miracle Of Judaism: HE IS LITERALLY THE BEST KID EVER
  • You Gotta Die Sometime: This is the best song ever written about death ever. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
  • Jason's Bar Mitzvah: *crying* that's my boy...........
  • What Would I Do?: And this is the best love song ever written! And the only one that has moved me to tears every damn time! (I am in p a i n)
  • Falsettoland Reprise: This started out so nice and funny what the fuck happened
JEWISH COMING OF AGE RITUALS

Boy: bar mitzvah (בַּר מִצְוָה)
Girl: bat mitzvah (בַּת מִצְוָה)
Gender Neutral: tze'etza mitzvah (צֶאֱצָאִ מִצְוָה)
Athiest: ateiys’t mitzvah (אָתֵאִיסְט מִצְוָה)
Dog (M): kelev mitzvah (כֶּלֶב מִצְוָה)
Dog (F): kalba mitzvah (כַּלְבָּה מִצְוָה)
Alien: chay'zar mitzvah (חַיְזָר מִצְוָה)
Pokémon: kiys mif'letzet mitzvah (מִפְלֶצֶת כִּיס מִצְוָה)

I was eating dinner with a large Italian family. One of them was the car salesman who I had talked to earlier that morning. His sister, aka my wife evidently, and I got so drunk that they kicked us out, so we went to the bar mitzvah down the street and stole the bar mitzvah boy.

Batfam as stuff people have said at MUN conferences

Chair: So we are now introducing working paper 2.7, the *laughs a little* Prosti-solution

Dick: HECK YEAH!!! I came up with that! Let’s legalize sex work!


Damian: I motion to dissolve the European Union

Everyone: I second that motion

Bruce (Chair): Nope. Next


Harper: *yells a bit*

Steph: I agree, let’s destroy Norway


Cass: *whispering to her partner* I’m gay


Steph: Let’s change the Italian flag to the Italian hand meme!

Cass: Sponsored.


Damian: Look at this dumbass kid, he looks like a Bar Mitzvah boy wearing his older brothers suit


Kate: So he’s just running around cutting everyone’s head off?

Jason: No, but he really wants to, you know what? Let’s just fucking do it


Tim: *passes note*

Steph: Why does this say “I crave death”?

Tim: *gives thumbs up*


Dick: Can we go to the Delegate Dance?

Alfred: No, you guys were a wreck last year!

Dick: What if I found a leash, a 13 person leash, and you just walked us around?

Alfred: Can this continue after the dance, like all the time?


Kate: I brought cookies!

Kate: Don’t eat them. They suck


Alfred: So this is just a trial run, you don’t have to know what you’re talking about, so opening statements. France.

Dick: France… is a country. I yield my time to the chair

Everyone: *cheers*


Dick: Just out of curiosity, can this committee kick Romania out?

Bruce (Chair): No…?

Dick: Okay, because someone is passing a note trying to kick me out.

Jason: Snitch

Bruce: *sighs* Decorum


Steph: Anyone want a Triscuit?

Person: Where did those come from?

Harper: She brought them, obviously.

Person: Okay, but why-

Harper: Offer is off the table nerd

Steph and Harper: *high five*

Falsettos (Act 2)
  • Falsettoland: The Gay Agenda (Destruction of the Nuclear Family)
  • About Time: Maturity? In MY Marvin? It's More Likely Than You'd Think
  • Year Of The Child: The Lesbians Are In This Song
  • Miracle Of Judaism: Did I Mention That I'm Not Gay?
  • The Baseball Game: Supportive Father Fucks Shit Up At Son's Performance
  • A Day In Falsettoland: The Other Gay Agenda (The Straights Aren't Happy But The Gays Sure Are)
  • Everyone Hates His Parents: That's In The Torah!
  • What More Can I Say?: The Real Miracle Of Judaism Is That Marvin Isn't A Dick Anymore
  • Something Bad Is Happening: Did You Forget That This Story Takes Place In The 80s? Here's Your Reminder
  • More Racquetball: None Of Us Asked For This
  • Holding To The Ground: I Don't Want To Care But We Don't Always Get What We Want
  • Days Like This: Everything Will Be Alright
  • Canceling The Bar Mitzvah: Absolutely Nothing Will Be Alright
  • Unlikely Lovers: Acceptance, Denial, and Then More Acceptance (Marvin's The Little Spoon)
  • Another Miracle Of Judaism: Hello God? It's me Jason. What The Fuck
  • Something Bad Is Happening (Reprise): *Softly But With A Lot Of Feeling* Fuck
  • You Gotta Die Sometime: Dying's Never Been So Sensual
  • Jason's Bar Mitzvah: This Boy Has So Many Parents (Let's Fix That)
  • What Would I Do: They're Old, They're Horny, And One Of Them Is Dead: A Ballad
  • Falsettoland (Reprise): Whizzer Wins At Chess (Unnecessary)
2

AAAAH. Also for those of you who are not as culturally aware(like me a few years ago until I randomly took a history of Jews class freshman year of college) Bar Mitzvah is for boys and it wasn’t until like much later were girls like “wait wtf why don’t girls get this celebration too?” and then Bat Mitzvah became a thing for girls becoming a woman.

anonymous asked:

MAY I PROPOSE.. ANGUS’ BAR MITZVAH

yES PLEASE DO

this will definitely be a fic i write at some point in the near future - ive got a bunch of long flights to sit through - but for now take some ideas:

-magnus teaches angus how to wrap tfillin around his arm and head and how to properly wear a tallit. he doesnt need the teaching - he knows enough talmud to be able to look it up himself - but theres something special in having someone older teach you what you’ll do on your bar mitzvah for the first time.

-lucretia brings in a sephardi sefer torah, because there’s no way he’s doing it on any of those ashkie ones. she helps him work through the parasha, spends hours and hours in the beit midrash with him prepping the best dvar torah any bar mitzvah boy’s ever written, but they’ll oftentimes get on tangents when there are so many good books around.

-taako teaches him trope. he doesnt know it that well - davenport’s the one with the religious background and nice singing voice - but, no offense, their captain’s so ashkie he thought salt was a spice. so he teaches him how to pronounce his letters - “it’s gotta come from the throat, kid” - and which symbols correspond to which tunes, and ends up learning almost as much as angus himself.

-the twins are good as fuck at catering. they make maybe the most lavish meals and actually, somehow, parve dessert that tastes like dairy, and as soon as shabbat goes out there are fireworks and sparking candles on the cake.

-somehow, the candy that magnus threw at him after the torah reading hurt more than all of the magically enhanced throws combined.

-lup gets him the most stylish suit…. our fancy boy is even fancier and so so good…..

-magnus carries him on his shoulders for hours and hours of dancing and isnt tired at all by the end

-you know that part where they lift him up on the chair thirteen times? its a magic floating chair now

basically its a good good amazing bar mitzvah and its small because angus wanted it to be but incredibly lively and high-quality, and i love angus and his big jewish found family and there’s definitely more than just that one shabbat

  • Radio host: Alright Iggy, let's here some freestyle
  • Iggy: ...
  • Iggy: ...
  • Iggy:
  • I was working late on my Haftorah
  • When I heard a knock on my bedroom-doorah
  • I opened it up and to my surprise
  • There was a werewolf standing there with glowing gold eyes
  • He says tomorrow my son, you will be a man
  • But tonight's the time to join the wolfen clan
  • Tomorrow you will stand at the bimah and pray
  • But tonight let's gaze at the moon and bay
  • Werewolf Bar Mitzvah
  • Spooky scary
  • Boys becoming men
  • Men becoming wolves