bandwagoners

Bug emojis across platforms ranked by me, not-a-space-alien

Apple

Overall a decent bug, pretty hairy but the invisibility of three of its legs clashes with the otherwise hyperrealism of its style.  6/10

Google

Now that’s a bug!  Not backing down on the number of legs it has and with a second pair of antennae on its posterior and the shine of its magnificent carapace.  9/10 

Microsoft

Are you even trying?  Where do I begin–the atrocious art style, the total lack of personality?  2/10 and the only reason I don’t give it a 1/10 is because all bugs at least deserve some recognition 

Samsung

I take it back.  1/10.  Go back to Fisher Price

LG

Overall a cute bug but suffers the same curious problem of missing half its legs.  The poor dear also is missing their antennae. 5/10

HTC

Good color scheme. 6/10

Facebook

My initial reaction is to skewer the design for the blatant anthropomorphization of the face and upright posture but I can’t get angry at those deep, caring eyes and cute, nubby antennae.  8/10 has no mouth but must scream

Twitter

A fresh new perspective on the issue. 7/10

Mozilla

What are you doing?  Is it a worm or a caterpillar?  It has legs, but only one pair and the way it’s holding them out coupled with those dead, hollow eyes makes it look like a restless zombie worm of some sort.  I will give it points for being very cute though.  4/10 give them legs back

Emoji One

This one is hideous, but still not as hideous as the monstrosity that Samsung managed to put out.  I’ll give it a 2/10 only for those ruddy cheeks 

emojidex

Aesthetically, this is the ideal form for this emoji to take.  This is the kind of bug that would appear as an extra in a body horror film.  The lift given by the legs and the sharpness of the pincers impart an added layer of authenticity.  10/10

R.I.P. VINE 

(part 2) (part 3) (part 4)

All these people saying “OMG have you listened to that song stressed out by 21 pilots???”

I’m like

“Bitch, first øff its twenty øne piløts, nøt the number, write that shit øut. Secønd, have yøu listened tø Fake Fan by Every Twenty Øne Piløts Fan?”

And they’re like

“Of course, that song is my jam!”

Then there’s me with a

*facepalm*

“Fucking bandwagøners, listen tø anything that isn’t øn Blurryface and then cøme back tø talk business.”

harry potter rated by mentions of goats
  • philosopher’s stone: mentioned that a bezoar can be obtained from the stomach of a goat which would be pretty solid except its mentioned in the context of snape being a dick to some eleven year olds. the goats didn’t give up their magic healing kidney stones for this. 3/10
  • chamber of secrets: no mentions. 0/10
  • prisoner of azkaban: no mentions. 0/10
  • goblet of fire: both karkaroff and young dumbledore are described as having goatees, a type of facial hair that, unless you’re idris elba or brad pitt or someone, is probably best left to goats. first mention of my main man aberforth and his fondness for goats, though unfortunately phrased in a way that convinced half the readers he fucked a goat. 5/10
  • order of the phoenix: a nice bit foreshadowing in which the hogs head smells like goats. unfortunately, there’s also a mention of the giants eating dead goats. a harrowing image. -5/10
  • half-blood prince: harry reads the half-blood prince’s tip about bezoars and with some truly stunning information retention, remembers what snape said about them being an antidote to most poisons + coming from the stomach of a goat in their first ever potions lesson. i am so proud of him. harry uses this totally unprecedented feat of academic success to flunk out on doing any actual work and piss off hermione. worth noting that harry also uses a bezoar to save ron’s life, begging the question, would the wizarding world be ruled by voldemort and all of our faves be dead if it wasn’t for goats? the answer is yes. a monumental achievement for goats everywhere. we owe them so much. 20/10
  • deathly hallows: aberforth and his fondness for fiddling with goats returns. he apparently throws goat dung at people in times of stress- what a guy. a goat patronus saves the day by looking kinda like a stag if you squint a bit. aberforth reminisces about feeding the goats with ariana. a touching, bittersweet moment. all around a pretty good time for goats. 10/10