bamf bamf bamf bamf

To be fair, humans are some bullshit from a balance perspective.

“I’ll just outrun that human…any day now… any… day… jesus christ it’s the terminator.”

“Maybe I can outsmart it and hide. What’s that you say, its brain takes up 20% of it’s caloric intake? FML.”

“It doesn’t have any natural weapons. I’ll just turn around and kill it. OH GOD IT’S GOT STONE CLAWS THAT ARE UNHOLY SHARP!”

“Okay, fight number two. It’s squishy so if I’m careful and find the right time when it’s weak I can - IT HAS PROJECTILE SHARP THINGS!”

“I’ll try crossing the river. It’s too gangly to be buoya - IT CAN SWIM?!?”

“Okay nothing can swim and run and climb. I’ll just go up this tree… FML it descended from apes.”

“It doesn’t even have fur, I can run to a colder climate and escape. Welp, it’s wearing the fur of my loved ones to keep warm.”

“If the whole herd bands together and protects each other, we can trample it… it can CONTROL FIRE.”

“Fuck it. Might as well just follow them around and get domesticated.”

Prettymuch everything we did to animals comes out of a horror movie.

  • Viktor: My dear Yuuri, you have no idea how big my love is for you -
  • Yuuri: Is it as big as your forehead?
  • Viktor:
  • Yuuri: Oh shit Viktor I -
  • Viktor: [ViktorNikiforov.exe has stopped working]

@hello-shellhead @saved-by-the-notepad I might’ve written you guys something


“This is not a good idea,” Natasha said immediately, Clint and Steve nodding along with her. “Clint and I are much better trained, and Tony is too recognizable.”

“I understand that,” Fury said with a sigh. “But this mission needs Stark’s expertise. We’re just going to have to hope he can keep his mouth shut for once.” He shot a one-eyed glare in the billionaire’s direction, who in turn shrugged.

“I’m up for it. Don’t worry about it, it’ll be easy.” He shot a smile around at his anxious teammates, which only seemed to worry them more.

The mission itself was easy enough. Infiltrate a party, get some blue prints, erase some data, destroy some technology. Easy, he did that after Obie often enough, although to be fair he was doing it to his own company, so it didn’t have to go quite so unnoticed.

The others didn’t seem to have much faith in him, but that was fine. People underestimating him was just the way he liked the world. Fury dismissed them and Tony went back to the tower to prepare. Nice suit, but cheap by his standards. Slicked back hair in contrast to his usual unruly curls. Repulsor watch – no way he was going in unarmed, he wasn’t stupid. He stared at himself in the mirror. Still too recognizable. Sighing, he resigned himself to the fact that he would have to do it: he was going to have to shave his glorious goatee.

The mission went smoothly, despite many people who had personally met Tony Stark being in attendance at the party. No one gave him a second glance; some people thought he was a waiter, and Tony cursed himself for wearing a suit that was too cheap. He was in and out in two hours, everything completely under control. He was just strolling out of the building when he heard someone shouting about destroyed prototypes and smiled to himself, whistling.

Apparently his ‘disguise’ worked too well, because when he got back to SHIELD headquarters he had about four guns pointed at his head and several very angry agents glaring at him and asking just who the fuck he was and what he thought he was doing.

“Uh, Tony here guys. Finished the mission, saved the day?” he answered as he held his hands up in surrender, trying to placate them. They didn’t believe him.

He was unceremoniously (“HEY, genius over here, check your strength!”) thrown into an interrogation room, where he sighed and pulled the drive he had obtained for Fury out of his pocket, setting it on the table. Hill entered about fifteen minutes later, which was good because he was getting bored and contemplating messing with the monitoring system in the room, and he shot her a big smile.

“Agent Hill! So good to see you. You proud of me yet? I know you didn’t believe I could pull it off.” He smirked, but his face fell at her cold and blank stare.

“I don’t know you,” she responded in monotone. “I don’t know what you’re pulling, pretending to be Stark-”

“I’m not pulling anything!” he protested quickly, holding his hands up again and standing, like he was waiting to be attacked. “I am Stark! Listen, call Pepper, show her a picture, she’ll tell you. Jesus, all I did was shave!” Hill glared at him and he fell silent again, anxiously reminding himself that if he stepped back it would be a sign of weakness and women loved signs of weakness. She turned on her heel and walked out without another word, and he fell back into his seat. He felt exhausted. The mission hadn’t been hard, but had taken longer than he thought it would, and he wanted to go home and work.

It took another hour before someone entered the room again, and by that point he was standing on the chair in the corner of the room, dissecting the camera that was watching him with the small screwdriver he had in his pocket and ingenuity. He glanced over his shoulder as Pepper strode in, lighting up and jumping down from the chair quickly, noting Hill and Fury standing behind her.

“Pep, my love, the spice of my life!” he said dramatically, throwing his arms wide. “Tell the Pirate that he should be able to recognize his agents better.”

“That’s Tony,” Pepper said with a long-suffering sigh, ignoring him. “He looks like a child without his facial hair, but it’s him. I didn’t believe it either the first time I saw him, until Obie-” She cut herself off quickly and shot him an apologetic look, but he just shrugged, clapping a hand on Fury and Hill’s shoulders.

“Now that that’s sorted, can we debrief and go home?”

Apologies were made, but Tony waved them away. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and probably wouldn’t be the last. Even the paparazzi didn’t recognize him without his distinctive and awesome goatee getup, which was nice sometimes.

It was a couple months and a few missions later when it happened again. Fury and Hill were out on their own recon mission, Pepper was in Tokyo and couldn’t be reached, and Rhodey was out on deployment for the next few weeks and no help anyway (he would probably just find it hilarious and leave Tony in the lurch). It didn’t matter how many times Tony showed up from completed missions missing his glorious goatee, the agents of SHIELD apparently had terrible facial recognition because he was always detained and interrogated.

It had been hours and lots of yelling before Tony finally got fed up. “You people are insufferable!” he shouted, grabbing a Sharpie from the agent’s pocket and turning to the one-way mirror on the wall, scribbling on his face in a rough approximation of something that looked like his normal goatee. “There! Recognize me now?”

Clint found it absolutely hilarious. There were photos.

Somehow a picture of Tony with Sharpie stains and a wide grin got leaked to the media, and the rage was now “Tony Stark look-alike?!” which Tony found absolutely hysterical.

He managed to convince half of SHIELD that it really was just a look-alike, while the other half remained sceptical. Suddenly, whenever he stepped into headquarters he had ghosts trailing him with razors (and not very good ghosts, either, Fury should get Natasha and Clint up here for some lessons). Bruce found it very amusing to help him prank said ghost, which one time included locking them in the bathroom and filling said bathroom with bubbles. And whenever Tony did show up from a mission where he’d shaved, he was met with a multitude of stares. Fury even got in on the action and started calling him ‘Agent Carbonell,’ which was funny in its own way.

And if he managed to trick Steve as well a couple times, well, that was a whole different story.  

alec had to admit, when magnus casually mentioned that alec should show him a few things about archery on a sunny tuesday morning in the target range of the institute, alec had felt a kind of smug pride burn in his chest. the sunlight had been filtering through the windows, catching bits of dust and catching at the tips of magnus’s spiked up hair and he looked… breathtaking. but more than that there was this amused kind of darkness around his eyes as he said it so casually, while alec still had an arrow nocked.

“what do you say?” magnus had finished with, tipping his head to the side slightly, leaning against one of the pillars. and alec was pretty sure his grin was blinding as he eagerly responded.

“i’d love to.”

maybe if he hadn’t been so smug he would have seen the mirth twinkling in magnus’s eyes but instead his pride eclipsed him and he turned back to the target, letting his arrow fly. it hit dead center and at that moment he felt entirely invincible if he was honest with himself.

Keep reading

Can we just talk about how much of a shame it is we didn’t get to see the scene Eddie worked so hard for?! Truly a loss! *quietly crying*

My favorite cinnamon roll is actually a badassmotherfucker!
I do actually want to write a fic about this although I’m unsure of my capabilities as of yet 

I was thinking Newt helps the Aurors apprehend a trafficking ring but gets hurt in the process saving Graves from a surprise knife attack (because no one would think to bring a knife to a wand-fight? idk man). Panicking, Graves demans Newt take off his shirt to be treated despite the protests from a very self-conscious magizoologist because Mr.Graves, I am perfectly fine, it was just a nick really. You needn’t fret over this!
AND BAM.
UNDERNEATH THAT FRAIL EXTERIOR IS A HARDENED BADASS WITH SCARS LITTERING HIS BEAUTIFULLY FRECKLED SKIN.
Cue all the aurors just dropping their jaw like Dayuuum

Sniper Lance!

I really love these types of headcanons! Just…anything involving any type of badass Lance. Thank you @plouffe-dans-leau for suggesting this, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to actually get to it.

•Lance pretty much grew up in a gun range.

•his father and uncle were snipers and took Lance to the gun range as a way of bonding.

•turns out Lance is a natural, and his father and uncle teach him everything they know. They can’t help but be proud of their little son/nephew.

•and as the years go by, Lance just keeps getting better. But he also wanted to fight, like his father and uncle.

•so he signs up for the garrison, hoping to learn to be a trained fighter pilot and make his family proud.

•of course than he gets whisked away by a giant robot lion to fight in a galactic war.

•when the bayard turned into a type of rifle, Lance was so happy, but it was very different from what he was used to ( which is a lot! His father made sure to train him in practically every gun he could.) so when no one was using it, which was a lot harder than originally thought, Lance practices with it relentlessly to get a better handle on it.

•and Lance realizes how much he misses his family. On Earth, he knew that he could always call or Skype, even when he would be able to deploy, he still would have some contact.

•but out in space, he can’t even send a letter to them letting him know he’s ok. (Doesn’t stop him from writing them though.)

•when Pidge makes the comment about him not being the sharpshooter, it definitely shakes his confidence. All his life his father and uncle have told him what a sharpshooter he is, how he’s better than some of the men they’ve worked with. But what if thy were just saying that because he was family (they weren’t. They literally think he’s one of the best.) and it slips in with every other insecurity about his position on the team.

•hearing Shiro call him their sharpshooter does lift his spirits, and helps him regain some confidence in his skill.

•the only people who know about Lance’s crazy skills are Hunk and Coran.
•Hunk has known Lance since they were kids so Hunk heard all about Lance’s skills from Lance’s family.
•Coran accidentally walked in on Lance when he was doing a casual long range training, (in other words, Lance was on a very high level on the training deck and kicking ass.)

•but of course, none of the others really believe that Lance is this trained shooter who could probably pin a fly to the wall with a butter knife with precise accuracy. (He’s like crazy good)

•great, now all I can think about is how his uncle wouldn’t just stick with just guns, he would practice with bow and arrows as well, and Lance just knocking them dead with his crazy accuracy. He’s pretty good with throwing daggers as well, but he’s better with bows and guns.

•Lance joined the archery team. Took them all the way to nationals ( is that something archery does? Not exactly sure.)

Wow, this took a completely different turn than I thought. But now just think about how, during a diplomatic mission, they’re challenged by some nobleman of that planet, either to try and discredit them or to distract them and the other nobles from some nefarious plot. And pretty much only one of them can compete in the nobleman’s choice of contest. Archery. Of course Hunk, the pure ray of sunshine that he is, immediately tells Shiro to choice Lance to do this. Shiro is a bit apprehensive about it at first, not sure how well Lance is with a bow like he is with a gun, but he agrees and lets Lance compete, even though there are some nay-sayers(cough cough-Keith and Pidge-cough). Anyways, the contest is that both contestants must start at a certain distance from the target and with each hit, they have to move farther back, first person to miss the target loses. So they get underway, and Lance is just slaying the nobleman, who is starting to struggle. But Lance sees something is off, and immediately puts two and two together, so instead of the next arrow hitting the target, Lance takes out the Assassin trying to take out one of the royal family.(which Is even farther away from the target, Lance got like eagle eyes, nothing gets past him) of course, there is some panic when this happens but once everyone pieces it together, the nobleman is arrested and Lance didn’t just save a planet’s monarchy, he proved to his entire team that he really is their sharpshooter.


Wow, this got way longer than I thought. I just love these au/headcanons so much! So, if you guys have any questions pertaining to this ^ or to any other au’s I have made, or if you want to give me an idea for an au, please feel free to send an ask! I’m always looking for new ideas for au’s! Again, thank you @plouffe-dans-leau for sending the idea!