Thirteen things you should not invite to supper
1. That one friend who is usually lovely apart from when they eat supper, which owing to some long distant evening mishap in the woods makes them transform into a giant bear which is on fire.
2. The mining robot from the future who has been knocking at the window for some time with its garbled message about people living in great tunnels and it doesn’t seem to know how to talk about anything else other than mines and people in mines and ash and devastation and anyone sitting next to it would probably get frightfully bored.
3. That hole, the one you can pick up and put places and you’re not quite sure where it goes but it certainly caused conversation the last time you invited it to supper.
4. A worm that eats chairs.
5. That great white whale that you have become obsessed with and which could conceivably be able to attend if you fitted out the room with some sort of harness and pipe apparatus and knocked down a wall or two.
6. A charmingly subcritical mass of plutonium that you met at the romantic old nuclear waste dump out of town and which you still turn to from time to time when you need subcriticism on a piece of writing.
7. That dress, you know the one, you tried it on and it was a great fit but unfortunately the colour drove wasps and bees into an unsettling frenzy so you had to take it back, or more accurately it floated back by itself because it was full of bees.
8. The asteroid.
9. That other subcritical mass of plutonium which friended you on facebook once and you weren’t really sure that you knew it but you mistook it for the other one and by the time you’d realised your mistake it was a bit too late to unfriend it,
10. The pirate who mistakenly believed that you crimed off their rubies some ten years ago and has spent the last ten years levelling up in ninja in an attempt to make a more dexterous revenge someday.
11. That pirate’s pet Tyrannosaurus, which is currently being followed around by a reality TV team who are making a documentary, but they will stay outside if you ask.
12. Death, the destroyer of worlds (usually busy, but might attend if it is a slow work day?).
13. Yourself, in the case that you have already invited the other twelve; it being tremendously bad luck to have thirteen at table.