I think if I described it like a whirlwind, it would still pale in comparison to anything I might otherwise use as a descriptor. I can hardly even put it all into words. When I try, I find my eyes welling with tears. What I might have said shrivels on my tongue and I can only swallow it.
Fight Club ran smoothly, but afterward…it all happened so fast.
Whatever it was the woman was that they killed in my apartment, the air is heavy and oppressive. I have scrubbed the blood from the floorboards a thousand times it seems and still, I can smell it. I will have to vacate it and move to another. Perhaps I will find one for purchase in the Shroud. One without as many memories as this one has.
Laurent and Lonan know, now, of my condition. Or at least a fragment of it. They saw it happen. What can I possibly say in defense of myself? If they ask, should I lie? Will they think me unable to lead them? Unable to perform my job? What if they think I am unable to handle any sort of stress?
Siegfried left. Too dangerous, he said, and I was not of a mind to dissuade him or disagree. Not after what I saw. Not knowing the sort of life he leads, and the work he does, and the people who surround him. I have begged him to keep safe. I know it is not a promise he can agree to, as does he. I would not ask him to lie to me.
Not when he continues to lie to himself..when he says he knows what it is he does.
THE WRITER. messy notebooks. messy desks. messy head. scribbling all over their arms. night owl. never being able to finish a project. losing too many ideas due to forgetfulness. passionate about everything. know-it-all. not knowing their own limits. trying to make flowers bloom, even during heavy storms.
THE POET. quiet.visual mind. head filled with ideas. struggling to find the right words. not being productive for three months and then writing six poems in an hour. reading the entire dictionary several times. noticing little details that no one else does. laughing quietly. wishing to be enough, someday.
THE PAINTER. failing at consistency. having paint all over their face, clothes, and desks. spending more money on art supplies than on anything else. notebooks filled with doodles, tears, and flowers. radiating sunshine. heavy mood swings. supporting, and being supported.
THE PERFORMER. loud. not hesitating to speak up, for themselves, for others. trying to see the good in everything. rain, and the smell before rain. drinking more coffee than their body can handle. reading every book at once. laughing and crying at the same time. being honest. the helping hand everyone needs.
I gave Mei a much needed redesign to try to light a fire under my ass to RP her again. It’s not much but to her it’s significant. Gone are the eyepatch and magitek prosthetic. The “phantom limbs” are her manipulated black blood and now she has fox feet because it’s what she deserves.