this is the first song i ever wrote. i started writing songs after high school which is late compared to my band friends, i was living in Turkey it was morning and i was still fucking drunk, idk why but i sat at the keyboard and started writing this, and by the time it was done my heart was pounding like i just saw the rest of my life. i was fucking doomed. anyway, happy monday, fam. kill this week.
aries: “control the things you can control. let everything else take a flying fuck at you and if you must go down, go down with your guns blazing.” - the drawing of the three
taurus: “we never cease wanting what we want, whether it’s good for us or not.” - full dark, no stars
gemini: “no one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. no one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. there are no maps of the change. you just come out the other side.” - the stand
cancer: “the mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows.” - cell
leo: “go toward all the life there is with all the courage you can find and all the belief you can muster. be true, be brave, stand.” - IT
virgo: “sometimes the embers are better than the campfire.” - the green mile
libra: “i think that real friendship always makes us feel such sweet gratitude, because the world almost always seems like a very hard desert, and the flowers that grow there seem to grow against such high odds.” - the eyes of the dragon
scorpio: “it’s a dance. and sometimes they turn the lights off in this ballroom. but we’ll dance anyway, you and i. even in the dark. especially in the dark.” -danse macabre
sagittarius: “what comes in when daylight leaves is a kind of certainty: that beneath the skin there is a secret, some mystery both black and bright. you feel this mystery in every breath, you see it in every shadow, you expect to plunge into it at every turn of a step.” - bag of bones
capricorn: “but see that you get on. that’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. pull your act together and just go on.” - the shining
aquarius:“some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.” - shawshank redemption (different seasons)
pisces:“the concept of dreaming is known to the waking mind but to the dreamer there is no waking, no real world, no sanity; there is only the screaming bedlam of sleep.” - rose madder
“I’m going out onto the grounds to see if I can catch a whiff of the old bag of bones.”
We all assumed that the Colonel was talking about Mark, even Tyler, replying:
“Weren’t you and Mark the same age?”
To which the Colonel very distinctly DOES NOT REPLY, even deliberately laughing over the end of the sentence.
Now, Mark may not fit that description, but do you know who does?
It’s already been established that the Colonel is very familiar with the manor and staff, and that there is far more to the Groundskeeper than meets the eye. Is it really so much of a stretch that he might have been looking for George, knowing that he knew something important?
One moment of hesitation was all it took. One second he had felt like it was James hovering above him playing stupid games as he does, only one second of hesitation and he had felt the air leave his lungs as his own hand choked it out of him. He should have strangled him, he shouldn’t have listened to him but how could he have denied the effect James always had on him? Harry looked so much like the boy Peter trusted and loved when he was a kid. He still did love James even though no one would believe him, he did, but what was he supposed to do? As he struggled under the grasp of his own hand, Harry and Ron had tried to free him but there was nothing they could do, he had brought this on himself.
Peter no longer saw Harry trying to pull away the betraying hand away but he was looking into the abyss now. He didn’t know where he was, maybe somehow he survived, oh how he wished he had survived. He was a Gryffindor but he had never been able to conquer his fear of death, it was always there in the back of his mind telling him he needed to survive and do whatever it takes to do so. It was there when he broke James’ trust, it was there when he left Sirius to die, it had always been there.
Peter looked at his hands, his missing finger was where it belonged, his arm was now back in place fully intact and his. He pushed himself up slowly to look around where he was and wished he hadn’t. He tried to run but it was like he was in an invisible cage. Was this a nightmare? Was this what hell looked like? All four of them standing side by side, as James tried to hold Sirius back, Lily stared at him with her hand on the shoulder of the tall handsome boy Peter recognised from the graveyard, the spare, Cedric. Somehow the hell he had heard from all the people when he was younger sounded better, he would have taken flames instead of the disgust on Sirius’ face, the fear in Cedric’s eyes, the disappointment in Lily’s expression and the emptiness in James’ stare. He would have cut his own arm off just to get away from wherever he was.
Everyone was staring at them. So many people had died in this war and all of them were staring at Peter but they had better things to do so they turned around to continue whatever they were doing before Peter arrived. He saw piercing blue eyes and disgust on Dumbledore’s face clearly before he returned to his old friends.
“I-I never m-meant for any of y-you to d-die,” muttered Peter, he was quite sure he was the only one who could hear. “I was– I was afraid and–”
“We all saw you Wo-Peter,” said James softly. “Your hands didn’t even shake as you killed Cedric. You didn’t even hesitate.”
“Where did we go wrong, Pete?” asked Lily her eyes shining with tears. “What did we ever do to you to deserve what we got?”
That was the thing. Peter was telling the truth, he never wanted any of them to die. He only wanted to survive. He was afraid of dying, it wasn’t the Dark Lord he was afraid of, it was the power he held over Peter and his Lord was the one who killed him in the end.
“We would have died for you,” said Sirius. He looked much younger than the last time Peter saw him, much more alive than he was the night Peter betrayed him one more time. “We would have done anything for you but you decided that you had to take it into your own hands. We thought you cared for us the same way we cared for you.”
“I do, I did,” stuttered Peter in response, looking at his hands in desperation. “I never did any of these things because I hated you. I just– I wanted to be brave like you but I was terrified–”
“That’s all you say Peter,” interrupted Sirius. “Don’t you think we were all scared?”
“You decided not to be the Secret Keeper because you were afraid but I–”
“DON’T YOU DARE BLAME THIS ON ME!” roared Sirius as he launched himself to Peter. James knowing his brother like he does held him by the collar and calmed him down with words Peter couldn’t hear. Sirius was burning his skin the way he looked at him. “Don’t you dare blame this on me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you couldn’t do it Wormtail?” asked James making Peter flinch at the mention of his nickname. “You know I wouldn’t have forced you to do it.”
“I wanted to be b-brave like y-you lads.”
“When did we ever make you feel like you weren’t enough? You were brave enough, you didn’t have to take on a responsibility that you thought you couldn’t handle.”
“When did I made you feel like handing me and my family over to our murderer would be the solution?”
“What was it that I ever did to you that made it alright for you to bring your Dark Lord back from the fucking dead Peter? WHAT WAS IT?”
“I d-don’t– I’m not–”
Everyone was just staring at Peter and letting James talk, he was seemingly the calmest in all of them. His anger had always been silent. Peter had seen him get this angry once in 5th year and once during an Order mission. His anger was the worst out of all the Marauders and Peter never in his life thought it would be directed at him.
“Peter I swear if Harry turns up in this wretched place I will make sure I end up in the same hell as you just to watch you burn.”
War changes people. It had changed Peter, too but James Potter, the boy he never thought was capable of feeling hate towards someone other than Slytherins was planning to watch Peter suffer.
“How dare you call him that?” yelled Lily. “You think just because you are dead, everything is forgotten? You are not their friend anymore Peter, you are just a filthy Death Eater who wasn’t even worthy of getting the stupid Dark Mark. Good job proving everyone at Hogwarts right.”
“What, James?” she shot back. “Everyone knew he was the different one in your little group. He proved them completely right because of his fragile ego, just because he couldn’t be like you–”
“I can’t even look at him, I’ll be over there if you need anything.”
Lily left with one last pitying look at Peter and Cedric looked around in hesitation trying to figure out if he should leave, too but he looked determined to stay.
“I have one question Peter,” began Sirius with the calmness of a madman. “Why didn’t you let us turn you in that night? This could have ended a long time ago.”
“They would have k-killed me.”
“Well, you are a murderer.”
“I’m not– I was AFRAID!” shouted Peter out of the frustration he was feeling in his gut.
“So you acted on rat instinct?” questioned Sirius. Peter knew he was going to get somewhere from this.
“I- I just wanted to live–”
“So the reason you made me think Remus was the mole when it was actually you,” he sighed, his perfect eyebrow arched like a bow ready to throw it’s arrow and Peter knew he was going to hit bullseye. “It was all instinctive and not at all a plan?”
Peter didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how to defend himself. Not that he needed to anymore, Sirius couldn’t hurt him but still, he wanted his friends to see they would have done the same as him. However, he wasn’t sure anymore. He wasn’t so sure that they would have chosen the easy way out like he did but he had to live, he had to survive no matter what it cost him.
“You have always been a shit liar, Peter,” said Sirius and came closer to where Peter was standing in his glass chamber. “You took everything I had, EVERYTHING! I trusted you, you bloody rat. I trusted you with my secrets, I trusted you with my brother’s life. I wish we had never met you.”
Peter gasped in shock, it was such a simple sentence but it inflicted so many wounds. Never meeting the Marauders would mean losing the best 7 years of Peter’s life.
“You let Remus have his transformations alone,” he spat. Sirius was never good at controlling his anger. “You let him rot on forest floors. You let him suffer for 12 years. Twelve fucking years, you let me stay in that– that place. You killed all of us without getting blood on your hands.”
Sirius walked away from Peter trying to steady his shaky breath. He was right, Peter had done all of the things he had said but Sirius never stopped to ask why he did what he did, if there was anything Peter could have said but then again, Peter understood that there was no explanation for what he did.
As he was looking around, Cedric walked closer to him. Peter would have died another time if it meant not getting confronted by the golden boy because he didn’t have anything to say but he gathered what was left of his pride to piss him off enough so that he would leave Peter alone. He wasn’t ready to face that mistake.
“I-” started Cedric, he looked like he couldn’t find the right words. “How did you do it?”
“How did I do what?”
“Killed the spare.”
“You were never meant to be in the graveyard.”
“So it’s my fault you murdered me?” asked Cedric taking his chance to talk with him in private as James was talking to Sirius. “He called me a spare and you didn’t even think twice. How on earth was a supposed to know it was a Portkey to my death?”
“I think–” began Peter and he took in a deep breath as he ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t want to do it but the Dark Lord–”
“You weren’t under an Imperius Charm.”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference he would have killed me,” replied Peter as if that was the only logical explanation. “It was either you or me–”
“He was a bag of bones!” exclaimed Cedric. “He was nothing but a bag of bones and you were such a coward, you couldn’t even disobey that thing.”
“You don’t understand,” replied Peter with as much calm as he can muster. “His followers would have found me, I had to do it.”
“So you thought murdering a 17 year old kid can be justified because it was him or you?” demanded James as he pulled Cedric a little bit by his arm. “He was seventeen Peter. You hid from everyone else for 13 years, couldn’t you have hidden from them?”
No one talked for a while after that, Cedric went to join Lily as she watched over Harry. Sirius was walking up and down and James was just standing in front of Peter.
“We were twenty-one, Wormtail.”
“I know. I was, too,” whispered Peter in reply. “You have to understand James. I was young and afraid, and you know I never was the brightest–”
“But you were! You were smart and brave Peter.”
“Not like you,” he replied softly, feeling like he was back in the Hogwarts Express talking about their OWLs with the Marauders and James had reacted exactly like he did now. However this time he only shook his head.
“I didn’t deserve your betrayal, did I?”
“No,” mumbled Peter. “None of you did.”
“I honestly didn’t think where this would go when I said I would be your Secret Keeper. You must understand that you trusting me with something like that was such an honour for me but in the back of my mind it was also a way out. I was always so terrified of dying in this stupid war.”
“We were all threatened,” reminded James staring into Peter’s soul. “I was marked for death Peter. You could have said you can’t do this and that you wanted protection and no one would have judged you. I always told you, you didn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
“But what would you guys have said if I left to go into hiding?”
“Nothing,” he replied. “We would have said nothing. We would have understood. I thought our friendship, our brotherhood was stronger than judging and plotting.”
“When he first found me I thought I was going to die but he saw right through me. I am not as strong as you are, I have never been. He knew how to manipulate me and I let him. It’s the rat in me like Pad–Sirius said. I could have told you but I was so scared and when you gave me that opportunity with your own hands, I was way too deep in to get out.”
“If you had a chance would you change what happened?”
“I would try to but I don’t trust myself.”
“I wish I could say I trusted you Peter,” confessed James. “I wish I could say with certainty that you would change what happened. I feel like you would only do it because you are dead now.”
“I- I understand that and I’m sorry.”
“Are you really?”
“I am Jamie,” began Peter, it was a hard thing to explain when you have betrayed someone as badly as Peter did with the Marauders. “I loved all of you but I just couldn’t bring myself to see that the consequences of the choices I make would be this severe. All I could think of was I needed to get out alive and I don’t know why I wanted to survive so much, I just did. I regret most of the things I did, I do. I would have given everything to be stronger than I was but that’s just who I was. You were the prince of the forest and I was a rat. I will never be as loyal as Sirius is or as protective as Remus is. I’m me, I’m Peter Pettigrew and I am what I am but I’m sorry for everything not that it would change much.”
“No, it doesn’t,” sighed James. “But I guess you saying you regret the things you did saves you from us.”
Peter felt a pull and James started getting further and further away. Sirius and Lily didn’t even turn around but Cedric gave him one last look before turning away.
“Goodbye Peter, I hope I never see you again,” were the last words Peter heard from James Potter.
New series of tarot bags made from specialty, hand-printed fabric are now available in the shop. I’m in love with how they turned out! The gold ones even shimmer a little. If they look a little blurry, just click the pictures and it’ll clear up.