mojowrites asked:

I need some help. Please come up with some of the funny puns you've got. It's been a really rough week for me. I would love a good pick-me-up, and you're just the bag of bones for the job.

I got ya buddy.
     I was made for this- a bonefide comedian.

     ”Before I do that, though, I feel like I need to patella you something first. Just, heh, humor me for a sec.

     You’re going tibia okay; everyone has bad weeks here and there- that’s just how life works. Get some rest, talk to a friend or do something that makes you happy- even if it seems small and pointless at the time, not having to think about whatever it is that’s getting you down really helps. Make sure you take plenty of breaks, too- maybe that sounds a little biased coming from a lazybones like me, but a good night of sleep really helps, y’know? You’ll feel a lot better tomarrow after catching some Zs than you would if you let your problems take ‘em from you.

     That being said, you wanna hear a femur? I got you covered.

Keep reading

stephen king quotes for the signs:

aries: “control the things you can control. let everything else take a flying fuck at you and if you must go down, go down with your guns blazing. - the drawing of the three

taurus: “we never cease wanting what we want, whether it’s good for us or not. -  full dark, no stars

gemini: “no one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. no one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. there are no maps of the change. you just come out the other side. - the stand

cancer: “the mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows. - cell

leo: “go toward all the life there is with all the courage you can find and all the belief you can muster. be true, be brave, stand. - IT

virgo: “sometimes the embers are better than the campfire. -  the green mile

libra: “i think that real friendship always makes us feel such sweet gratitude, because the world almost always seems like a very hard desert, and the flowers that grow there seem to grow against such high odds. - the eyes of the dragon

scorpio: “it’s a dance. and sometimes they turn the lights off in this ballroom. but we’ll dance anyway, you and i. even in the dark. especially in the dark.-danse macabre

sagittarius: “what comes in when daylight leaves is a kind of certainty: that beneath the skin there is a secret, some mystery both black and bright. you feel this mystery in every breath, you see it in every shadow, you expect to plunge into it at every turn of a step. - bag of bones

capricorn: “but see that you get on. that’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. pull your act together and just go on. - the shining

aquarius: some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild.- shawshank redemption (different seasons)

pisces: the concept of dreaming is known to the waking mind but to the dreamer there is no waking, no real world, no sanity; there is only the screaming bedlam of sleep. - rose madder