badwriting

little self care things ♡

open this if you don’t feel good today 💌


taste:

  • eat small fruit snacks
  • buy yourself a treat occasionally
  • make a cake in a mug
  • chew flavored sugar-free gum
  • put lemon in your water

hearing:

  • listen to your favorite music
  • or just wear earphones to block things out
  • listen to white noise/ambient sounds

smell:

  • put on some sweet-scented lotion
  • spray a bit of your favorite perfume
  • make your favorite coffee or tea

sight:

  • look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good today
  • clean the clutter in your room + throw things away
  • close all the unused tabs
  • clean the dishes + do your laundry
  • delete unused apps
  • make your bed
  • fold your clothes tidily
  • organize your books and papers
  • turn down the brightness of your phone/computer at night
  • smile and be more polite at strangers
  • open up the curtains, let the light in
  • go outside often

touch:

  • hug people you love
  • cuddle your pet
  • read while lying in your bed
  • hug a soft toy

appearance:

  • wash your face/use face wipes
  • dry shampoo if you’re too tired to shower
  • brush your teeth
  • exfoliate + moisturize your skin
  • change into clean clothes
  • brush your hair
  • put on some lip balm

body:

  • do your favorite exercises
  • take a nap
  • take deep breaths with your stomach
  • take a warm shower
  • stand up and stretch your legs
  • put on some music and go for a walk outside
  • get at least 7 hours of sleep
  • drink lots of water

hobbies:

  • always make some time to do what you love
  • create art, writing and music for yourself, not anyone else
  • don’t feel embarrassed about your hobbies
  • be patient with yourself, progress takes time! don’t give up
  • hobby ideas: cooking, reading, drawing, painting, a sport, a new language, learn a musical instrument, collect things, photography, join a class or a club

mind:

  • put yourself first
  • spend less time around people who make you feel bad
  • write your thoughts in a journal
  • stand up for yourself
  • stop judging people
  • don’t dwell in the past
  • concentrate on what’s happening now
  • don’t try for people who don’t care
  • stop caring about what’s not important
  • be a friend to yourself, rather than a bully
  • learn to love your body
  • see the bigger picture
  • change self-destructive habits
  • appreciate the good
  • let things go
  • ask for help

studying:

  • make lists
  • focus on priorities
  • stop putting everything off
  • turn off your phone if you need to
  • take breaks
  • do one thing at a time
  • believe in yourself!

other:

  • laugh a lot
  • get a plant and name it
  • buy flowers for yourself
  • be ok with being alone
  • go out with your friends
  • watch a movie

I hope you feel better soon. You deserve so much. Things will get better soon so keep going. ☁️ I love you

Handwriting Meme!

Put a question in my inbox for either Bucky or Mod Hell and I’ll hand-write you a brief answer! (I’m probably only gonna do like ten though, there’s a lot of you guys and you’re curious bastards.First-come first-serve, unless you ask something already covered in the FAQ or previous questions) Answers will be posted in a single response tagged ‘badwriting’, so I don’t fill your dashes with scribbling.

Ask away!

Hated Smiles

Ayano: “I don’t hate anyone’s smile. I just wish I could see Shintaro smile more.”

Kido: “I hate Kano’s smile. It’s a sign that he’s lying or hiding his true feelings.”

Seto: “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by saying I hate their smile.”

Kano: “Why would anyone hate this charming smile? Ahaha…haaa.”

Mary: “I love Seto’s smile, but at the same time, I don’t like to see it. Why does he have to smile for my sake? He, he should cry if he’s sad.”

Momo: “I don’t like it when someone smiles when he is hurting someone.”

Shintaro: “I hate my own smile.”

Takane: “Haruka’s. Why does he keep smile even when he’s so sick?”

Hibiya: “I hate Hiyori’s smile. It’s always directed at Konoha and not me.”

Konoha: “A smile?”

Hiyori: “I hate Hibiya’s smile. It’s gross. But, why do I still want to see it?”

Kenjirou: “I feel like Ayano’s last smiles were too fake. Was it that boy again?”

Azami: “I hate Tsukihiko’s smile. The more I see it, the more I don’t want it to go away.”

Hi everyone

OK - this has been a year full of real pain and joy for all of us in CYMBALS. 

I’m going to hold back from going into detail because I don’t want to expose those most dear to me, and also because I just can’t think of the right words.  

With Sean, who originally formed the band with me way back in 2010, and left since he experienced his own emotional and mind struggles in 2012, we used to talk about songs as notes that adults pass each other because they don’t want to or can’t talk about some things out loud.  Things they need to say.  We felt like we were becoming adults at the time.

Since I’ve been writing songs with CYMBALS, those songs are getting closer to who I am.  I feel I’m pretending less with what we’re writing. I was so worried about being uncool, too old, a faker, when we started out.  I worry less about that stuff now.

And there’s a weird fact that over the past year, we have probably played as many shows, if not more, in the USA.  Audiences there (you know who you are, you might be reading this) have helped to shape me and helped me to learn more about performing.  

The idea was always finding something together.  Shout out to the crowd in LA.  Shoutout to the dude at glasslands losing his shit during Like An Animal.  What we do can’t me measured by financial success, but by what it means to you all. You’re part of making us who we are.

This is such a confused bit of writing: it comes from a place of some confusion.  I say ‘some’ because there are a few simple things that are constant there, and that I know won’t change.  Writing music, playing music, pushing it out into the world, whatever it takes.  There’s going to be no end to that, whatever direction it takes, and whatever absurdity derails the course of our lives again in future.

I’m writing because I’m the one that talks too much - but this band has always been collaborative and just as much about my co-writers as about what I’m thinking of.  I’ll write more about those relationships here soon.

Thanks for reading until the end - you make it worth it, our songs are yours as much as ours.

X J

PS as I write this I’m listening to one of Dan’s new demos and it’s moving me so so much.

Yelp Review: Red Bull Motor Inn

Shit, he left already. I don’t blame him. A ride to Plainfield would have been one thing but Summit is an additional hour to his commute. I pull out my mobile device to phone for a taxi. It’ll be a pricey alternative but I’ve text anyone who might be awake at this hour. Weddings, birthday parties, and assorted other answers. Seems I picked a busy weekend to try to call in favors. As the Spanish man yells into my ear piece I remember the speaker is broken. He can’t hear me. Its late and I’m too tired to think of an easy solution to my ride/refuge situation. I place the buds of the iPod into my ears, Soco Amaretto Lime plays softly, and I begin aimlessly walking. It doesn’t take long before I give in to fatigue.


The door to the vestibule is open but the door to the rental office is locked. I assume for security reasons. There’s no buzzer to inform the sleeping, elderly Asian man of my desire to procure a room for the evening. I use moderate force and wiggle the door. He awakes, visibly angered, and buzzes me in with a scowl. $62.10. Smoking. Room 239. The Wi-Fi password is the phone number which he circles in blue ink from a Bic ballpoint pen missing its cap on my receipt. Behind me the shaved gorilla in a Cleveland Cavaliers jersey clings on to a barely conscious, 5 foot tall, slightly overweight brunette with blue streak marks on her chin. By the smell I’m assuming vodka was the main ingredient. I step to the left as I place my crinkled, coke coated three dollars change in it’s numerical value then serial number order amongst the billfold in my pocket. I walk back out to the rainy parking lot. My lips are cracking and my throat and mouth are painfully dry. A broken, older soda machine and what once held a payphone mirror a Coca-Cola machine that, as it turns out, is completely sold out. A piece of masking tape is over the second Sprite, it reads “VitAMan Water.” Its eerily quiet for a highway. Defeated, I head to my suite for the night.


I haven’t been here since many years ago. As a younger man I had brought many girls here for drug and alcohol fueled fuck fests. I would have said that with glowing pride ten years ago, but now its with shame and remorse. How was I so blissfully unaware of my pathetic life choices? The 12 hour shift had caused my feet to swell immensely and blister. The walk to the motel had burst most of these blisters. I slide my key card in the door. The icon blinks red. I turn the handle to the left to no result. I try the key card another 3 times before the light blinks green. I open the door and immediately flick on the light switch to my left.

I drop my shoulder bag on the small wooden desk in the corner and survey the room. A watercolor of cardinal is the only thing on the wall. Its bad. No Pediatrist north of the Mississippi would hanging it in their waiting room. A small dresser with a television atop on a far wall. A queen size bed that I would dread to see under a black light takes up most of the rest of the room. Its sandwiched between two identical night stands with unmatched white lamps. The farthest one is empty. The closer also has a telephone which has no dial tone, it contains the following: 1 small red ash tray which its self contains 3 cigarette butts smoked to the filter. 1 Somerset County Yellowbook, page 79 (Pi-Pl) is folded over. 1 McDonald’s used napkin. 1 rusted razor blade. The bathroom door is slightly askew. The toilet seat is missing and the water looks foggy. 5 miniature towels hang on back of the toilet. 4 individual conditioning shampoo packets, 3 shrink wrapped plastic cups, 2 gentle cleansing face and body bars, 1 single ply embossed white bath tissue roll and a dripping faucet.

I’m thirsty, tired, and wishing I had grabbed food or a bottle of water from work. Fuck, I’m wishing I hadn’t fucked up my life so badly. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get out of here. I turned on the television set to News 12. I wash my hands and face. I stare in the cracked film covered mirror at how thin i look. My beard is sloppy and in desperate need of a trim. I immediately get nauseous at my own reflection. I lay fully dressed on the bed, over the sheets and think to myself how badly I want a beer. I think its my father’s birthday today. I hate myself and accept this is as good a place to die as any other.

3 Stars.

she was like the wind
always going places
above anybody else,
never staying at one place for too long

she was like a whisper
soft, but still meaning to be heard
only holding deepest secrets
and you’ll wonder if it was ever there

was it because she was fragile
afraid to let anybody in?
of being misunderstood,
and accused of something that’s not real