My stepfather

My stepfather was into some weird shit.
First he’d beat my mother and then he’d beat me.
He’d fuckin wail on us, all day.
25 hours a day, 8 days of the week.
Those were simple times, the best times I had as a kid.

My stepfather thought me lots of shit.
How to impose your will on someone, how to dominate.
But most importantly, how to totally disconnect from reality.

Physical pain is easy, it’s just your body saying “fuck this shit”.
Psychological pain, terror, that’s different.
When the disconnect happens for the first time, its a total mind fuck.

I remember it all like it happened ten minutes ago.
Even the smells, from before boxing destroyed my nose.
Cold buckets of water, over and over again.

Nothing ever hit me as hard as that water.
When you can’t breath from that blanket of liquid cold, beatings don’t seem that bad.
Still no disconnect, not extreme enough yet.

Pin me to the tiles by the face, give me a few slaps, whatever.
I can’t feel the pain because I’m so cold,
I wouldn’t really care about it if I could feel it anyway.
Now time for the mindfuck.

Let me drop to the floor.
I’m way to fucked to stand on my own now anyway.
Hit me with one last bucket of cold.
Then unleash the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Turn the shower temperature to max, close the doors on me before I can stand.
Lock me in that tiny box of liquid fear.
Terror. Get out. Get away from it.
It’s everywhere, hugging you close.
You wouldn’t believe an eight year old could scream so loud.

While I’m clawing at and screaming at the door I experience the disconnect for the first time.
I’m still there, in unbelievable pain.
Shower doors are opening now,
But I’m a thousand miles away.

I’m being thrown into my bed, still soaked.
A thousand miles away.
I’m staring at the wall.
A thousand miles away.
That hot water numbed my mind the same as cold numbed my body.

The disconnect is a beautifully terrifying thing.
For the rest of my childhood its my best friend.
You still feel the pain, you just don’t care.
This isn’t you anymore, its just the shell you live in.
You’re a thousand miles away.