There are days
Ｔｈｅｒｅ ａｒｅ ｄａｙｓ ｗｈｅｒｅ Ｄｅｒｅｋ ｉｓ ｅｍｐｔｙ．
There is emptiness inside his chest, like his entire being is filled with nothing but void. The absence of feelings is both scary and unnerving; Derek isn’t sure he’s still real. These days scare him, because anger is his anchor, and not feeling it makes him feel unmoored. Derek feels like he needs to do something to get some feeling back at his fingertips, but there’s nothing he can do. He gets scared at how his thoughts escalate into doing things he knows he shouldn’t even be thinking about. Empty days frighten Derek, and he hates it.
Ｔｈｅｒｅ ａｒｅ ｄａｙｓ ｗｈｅｒｅ Ｄｅｒｅｋ ｉｓ ａｌｍｏｓｔ ｈａｐｐｙ．
Days where the world doesn’t seem so bleak. Where the anger, always so tight around his heart, seems loser. Those aren’t perfect days, but they are good days. Derek can breathe a bit deeper; he can look people in the eye, and reply to whatever they are saying in a semi-functional way. It feels like there’s hope, which is both terrifying and amazing. His tentative happiness and hope are followed by guilt. Overwhelming guilt. He doesn’t deserve it, Derek can’t help but think, and it sours his mood. Sometimes he can ignore the guilt enough to keep the shred of happiness going. Sometimes it’s enough to kill it for good.
Ｔｈｅｒｅ ａｒｅ ｄａｙｓ ｗｈｅｒｅ Ｄｅｒｅｋ ｉｓ ａｎｇｒｙ ．
Anger feels comfortable. Derek is intimately used to his anger, thrives on it. Anger is what kept him moving after everything went down, and anger will keep him standing until he gets what he needs. Or so he wants to believe. Derek isn’t fool enough to believe there aren’t other reasons for him to be standing, but anger is the easy one to deal with. And it’s still true. But sometimes angry days feel suffocating. He wants to get violent, and he wants to scream, but caving in to it only makes him feel like the monster that she accused him of being. So he simmers and suffocates on his on anger, and tries to hang on.
Ｔｈｅｒｅ ａｒｅ ｄａｙｓ ｗｈｅｒｅ Ｄｅｒｅｋ ｊｕｓｔ ＣＡＮ＇Ｔ ．
Those are the worst days, these are the days everything inside him comes to a halt. Days were his feelings are furiously rushing through his veins, where every pain, every sorrow, every mistake, is beating with his heart, spreading with every breath, poisoning every thought. Those are days where his anger isn’t enough to hold him back, where he begs for the emptiness, because Derek doesn’t know how to feel so much. Every repressed thought and feeling comes spilling out of him, running on the floor, filling up every corner of his room.
Those Days where the pain he thought he deserved is just so much, he can’t even start to just take it like he thinks he deserves, because it’s just too much. Those are the days were he believes being alive is a curse, where just letting go feels like a relief he just doesn’t have the courage to take.
Derek is afraid, and ashamed, and above all, lonely.
But then he isn’t anymore.
Because for the first time, there are strong arms around his shoulders, and there are soothing words in his ear, and tender hands drying his tears. And maybe Derek should be mortified that he is seeing him like this, but he can’t muster the strength to feel like that. Not when Stiles is solid and warm and there. Derek hugs him back with all he has, as little as that is, because his burden is still so heavy to bear, but he isn’t alone anymore.
They still have all those days. But now he has someone to hold his hand and tell him he’s going to be fine. And for once, he knows it’s true.