There are days

The fantastic badmooonrising wrote this ficlet for this post of mine, and I am not satisfied with those drawings, so. Now I’m gonna illustrate this beautiful ficlet again :) <3

There   are   days   where   Derek   is    empty

There is emptiness inside his chest, like his entire being is filled with nothing but void. The absence of feelings is both scary and unnerving; Derek isn’t sure he’s still real. These days scare him, because anger is his anchor, and not feeling it makes him feel unmoored. Derek feels like he needs to do something to get some feeling back at his fingertips, but there’s nothing he can do. He gets scared at how his thoughts escalate into doing things he knows he shouldn’t even be thinking about. Empty days frighten Derek, and he hates it.

There   are   days   where   Derek   is   almost   happy

Days where the world doesn’t seem so bleak. Where the anger, always so tight around his heart, seems loser. Those aren’t perfect days, but they are good days. Derek can breathe a bit deeper; he can look people in the eye, and reply to whatever they are saying in a semi-functional way. It feels like there’s hope, which is both terrifying and amazing. His tentative happiness and hope are followed by guilt. Overwhelming guilt. He doesn’t deserve it, Derek can’t help but think, and it sours his mood. Sometimes he can ignore the guilt enough to keep the shred of happiness going. Sometimes it’s enough to kill it for good.

There   are   days   where   Derek   is   angry

Anger feels comfortable. Derek is intimately used to his anger, thrives on it. Anger is what kept him moving after everything went down, and anger will keep him standing until he gets what he needs. Or so he wants to believe. Derek isn’t fool enough to believe there aren’t other reasons for him to be standing, but anger is the easy one to deal with. And it’s still true. But sometimes angry days feel suffocating. He wants to get violent, and he wants to scream, but caving in to it only makes him feel like the monster that she accused him of being. So he simmers and suffocates on his on anger, and tries to hang on.

There   are   days    where    Derek   just   CAN'T

Those are the worst days, these are the days everything inside him comes to a halt. Days were his feelings are furiously rushing through his veins, where every pain, every sorrow, every mistake, is beating with his heart, spreading with every breath, poisoning every thought. Those are days where his anger isn’t enough to hold him back, where he begs for the emptiness, because Derek doesn’t know how to feel so much. Every repressed thought and feeling comes spilling out of him, running on the floor, filling up every corner of his room.

Those Days where the pain he thought he deserved is just so much, he can’t even start to just take it like he thinks he deserves, because it’s just too much. Those are the days were he believes being alive is a curse, where just letting go feels like a relief he just doesn’t have the courage to take.

Derek is afraid, and ashamed, and above all, lonely.

But then he isn’t anymore. 

Because for the first time, there are strong arms around his shoulders, and there are soothing words in his ear, and tender hands drying his tears. And maybe Derek should be mortified that he is seeing him like this, but he can’t muster the strength to feel like that. Not when Stiles is solid and warm and there. Derek hugs him back with all he has, as little as that is, because his burden is still so heavy to bear, but he isn’t alone anymore.

They still have all those days. But now he has someone to hold his hand and tell him he’s going to be fine. And for once, he knows it’s true.

bistiles  asked:

PROMPT! "Learning what the other person likes sexually" + Sterek (because I love people talking about sex, and learning boundaries, and negotiating! It's my week spot! It makes me go aawwwwnnnn hardcore! (∩˃o˂∩)♡ )

Hey Darling! Thanks for you prompt. I hope to do it justice (considering that there were so many ideas floating around in my head)! (It may have turned out a bit different (darker?) than you wanted? And took longer than I thought it would.)

30. Learning what the other person likes sexually

Stiles is aware that the conversation he’s about to have, should have happened before he practically fell into Derek’s bed. But hindsight is always 20/20 they say and now he knows how right they are. Because Derek currently sits huddled on the sofa, wrapped in the soft afghan that always covers the backrest. 

His trembling is clearly visible, even from Stiles position in the kitchen. The sight tugs painfully on his heartstrings. Even more so because he knows that he’s the one who triggered this reaction. Or rather - it was something he did while he was in bed with Derek. He just doesn’t know what he did and he needs to know that. How else is he supposed to prevent himself from doing the same thing the next time? If there even is a next time.

He has to wait a few more minutes before the milk is finally hot enough to prepare two mugs of hot chocolate. His love for hot chocolate as comfort food, is one of the things Derek had shared, while they had been cuddling in bed. It was the same night, that Stiles promised a sleeping Derek that he will never forget anything about him. 

“I told you I’m fine, Stiles,” Derek sighs, when Stiles steps closer to seat himself on the seat next to his boyfriend. Still, he pulls the afghan tighter around himself, like he wants to protect himself. Like he wants to hide. Stiles’ feels his heart break into a million little pieces.

“You’re not fine, Derek,” he says after a few minutes, for once not even thinking about any kind of sarcastic reply. “You’re not fine and it’s because of something I did. Now, I know you don’t like to talk but this is important. Really important. So, we’re going to have to talk about it. I need to know what we can and can’t do. I don’t want to hurt you.” Stiles takes sip from his chocolate to give Derek some time to reply. His boyfriend remains quiet, though, only sipping his from his own mug. 

Stiles waits, lets the minutes pile up until one hour has passed. His mug is empty and he’s ready to start talking again. Because Derek is still silent, staring into is own mug as if it holds the answers to the universe. 

“The way you held my hands down,” the words are so quiet that Stiles almost misses them. His mouth shuts with a click while his whole attention zooms in on Derek. His boyfriend isn’t looking at him, though. Instead he’s staring off over Stiles’ left shoulder. 

“It reminded me of Kate. She,” Derek swallows and rolls the mug around in his hands. “She used to do that before … before she took out the cuffs. It was fine, at first. Nothing serious, just those fuzzy cuffs, you know? But then …” He breaks off again and Stiles can’t help himself. He reaches out, takes both mugs and puts them onto the coffee table. Once their hands are free he wraps his fingers around Derek’s. 

“But then?” he inquires gently, knowing that being his usual inquisitive and loud self would make Derek close up immediately. He has to treat carefully.

“She laced the cuffs with wolfsbane,” just as quiet as the first words but it feels as if Derek screamed them out into the open. Stiles feels the chills running down his spine. A slow wolfsbane poisoning. He has the urge to find Kate and kill her over and over and over again. 

“She kept saying that she must have mixed up the cuffs,” Derek goes on, now staring down onto Stiles’ hands. “I believed her. But it was a mistake … believeing her. After the cuffs came a blindfold because I couldn’t pull it off. I never knew what would d next.” He falls silent again and Stiles waits. Because he knows that Derek’s confession doesn’t end there. 

“It went on for two .. three weeks, I think?” Derek doesn’t sound too sure about it though. Maybe Kate kept him tied up and blindfolded for days rather than hours. It certainly sounded like something she might find interesting.

“She kept calling me her good boy and that she knew I would like it,” a low whine resonates through his voice and Stiles’ heart shatters once more. “Kate never really explained what it was that she did to me. It  was only later that I did some research into it but … it didn’t fit completely.”

“That’s because BDSM’s first rule is consent and she completely threw that out of the window,” Stiles explains quietly, looking up when he can feel Derek’s gaze on his face. There’s a desparation to it that he honestly hasn’t expected.”Adding to that a scene, like the blindfolding and the tying you up, needs to be discussed beforehand. I’m not going to start on the wolfsbane because if I do, then I’ll probably destroy something.” The last few words manage to pull a weak smile from Derek. It’s shaky, though, and a hint of fear steals into his eyes.

“You, uh, you seem  to know a lot about this.” Stiles doesn’t have to be a werewolf to know that Derek’s nervous.

“I do know about BDSM, yes,” he replies slowly, keeping his hands from tightening when Derek’s twitch away from his own. “I’ll be honest with you, Derek. When it comes to sex and BDSM I am a dom. I may not look like it but I am. BUT,” this time he does tighten his grip on Derek’s hands, making him look up. “I’ll never do anything in that direction without you consent, Derek. I love you and if being with you means that I’ll have to put my toys and everything else into a box, then I will do that. And gladly.” 

“But you like it,” Derek replied weakly.

“Yes, I like it,” Stiles nod slowly and makes sure that Derek looks into his eyes when he speaks the next words. “But I LOVE you! Derek, you’re so much more important than sex.”

‘Send me a ship and number for domestic/intimacy drabbles!’

ecarian  asked:

One Derek-loses-his-arm fic I know of is this one (/works/451766) by entanglednow

OMG I feel like this might be the one I’m thinking of but I just reread it and it’s very good but I feel like there’s a PHANTOM DEREK LEARNS TO BE ONE-ARMED FIC OUT THERE LURKING AND I WANT TO REREAD IT SO BADLY NOW

But this is great. I love all of entanglednow’s works.

When Everyone Else is Gone by entanglednow (M, 2k)

 Scott doesn’t get there in time, Derek loses an arm.