okay but i want a fic where the enterprise is like on the outskirts of federation space and they pick up survivors of a half-wrecked cardassian freighter and one of the refugees is sybok who totally knew the attack was coming and low key orchestrated it but thats another story because when he gets beamed aboard he and spock have a reunion and it’s very logical and all but kirk is like holy shit spock you have a brother??? why did i not know?? and spock is like you never asked and sybok takes one look at the two of them interacting and realizes how bad his baby brother has it for his captain and says wow spock way to introduce me to your t’hy’la and spock BUGS OUT and gets all flustered and kirk has never seen him act like that before and is like wait what does that mean and spock won’t tell him and practically runs away and sybok is too busy laughing and getting debriefed, and then for the rest of the mission spock won’t look at kirk and he starts to wonder what that word actually means so he keeps trying to work it out of sybok or uhura but they won’t tell him and spock avoids him like the plague, and kirk starts to get dejected because maybe he’s done something wrong, somehow offended spock or something, and sybok realizes that the human is stupid in love too, and bribes scotty to lock them in the turbolift or a supply closet or something because they’re both just idiots and they need to make out and of course scotty does it because its been painfully obvious to everyone on the ship for months that the captain and first officer are SO IN LOVE, LIKE GO FUCK ALREADY JESUS
bad startrek au where vulcans play ping pong to facilitate their mental powers
mindmelds are spock touching kirk’s face with a ping pong paddle or if needed he can do it remotely by hitting kirk in the face with a ping pong ball
vulcan kisses, while widely thought to be two fingers touching, is actually two vulcans’ ritual ping pong paddles touching
once every 7 years vulcans are overcome by pong farr, a biological need to play ping pong with someone for days on end. if they do not, they will succumb to pong tow, ping pong fever. in the place of koon-ut-pong-if-fee a vulcan’s to-be-pongmate may either undergo the ping pong bonding ceremony or name a champion for them to play ping pong against, loser commits ritual pongicide.
in amok time, people know something’s up with spock when he starts randomly bouncing a ping pong ball against the science station. kirk saves spock’s life by spectacularly losing to him in a game of ping pong & pretending to faint after defeat. (he’s actually okay at the game)
it’s the REAL reason why vulcans are so touchy about offworlders knowing their “”“mating secrets”“”, they’d be the laughing stock of the universe if it was common knowledge.