bad kyra

becoming-kyra  asked:

I was diagnosed with auspergers and I have a hard time making myself clear to people so I use things like simile or other things to get my point across I had a fight with my mom and I went back on that so that I'd get better at talking like others do even in a heated moment. The second I do she stops me and says "stop it you do that to much just talk normally" and I felt so utterly broken like I was so far from normal and acceptable no matter what I do. Talking at all is hard enough for me.

Translation: I’m a judgemental

who doesn’t know how to be patient and accepting when my child is trying to express themself. Shove me to the window, to the wall, and then to the trash where I belong.

~Admin Eo


…sickly sweet holidays…

📷 : kyra.sheeran.dun (on ig)

Inspiration DAMN YOU. I literally log in to see one of the best things EVER so of course I had to give a damn run for my money. I hope y'all can enjoy. I didn’t do the whole song, but if you want the whole song… LET ME KNOW everyone.

Live fast, die young. Bad girls do it well.” – M.I.A. (inspir.)

This video will only be available here. I will not put it on YouTube unless I feel like I should.

Psychological Concepts in Captain America: The Winter Soldier

So I wrote this 25-page-long analysis of Cap 2 for my 4U psych culminating, and I thought that I should scar everyone just as much as I just scarred Bethany. It has parenthetical references and it’s obviously really formal because I wrote it for school, but I hope you guys will find some interest in it anyway. :)

Keep reading

Chapter 67: The Build Up


As I sat on the steps I watched as everybody in front of me partied and had a good time, everyone was drinking and socialising with each other, the positive vibes between the party goers circulated the atmosphere and bounced vibrantly off one another. The DJ was set up in the corner keeping everybody’s spirits up with his immaculate taste of good blends and good beats whilst people had fun and jumped in and out of the swimming pool. Red cups of liquor decorated the lawned grass and the smell of chicken and burgers on the grill filled the air. To say Trey knew how to throw a party was an understatement, he’d truly mastered the art of bringing people together and having a good time under one roof; his 21st was definitely going down as one of his best thrown parties yet.
The only problem was…
I didn’t want to be here.
I was the only sober one out of my friends after they dragged me here tonight.

After what happened earlier between Chris and I; I was just in no mood to party. I was supposed to be having fun and not letting a ‘Bitch ass nigga’ ruin my night as Alana put it. But that bitch ass nigga seemed to be the only thing that was on my mind. It didn’t help that every 15 minutes somebody would come up to me and ask me where he was as if I was his ground keeper or something. I wasn’t having fun at all and I was just surrounded by constant reminders of Chris. People I didn’t even know, for some reason knew me as Chris’ girl and kept asking about him. It legit was annoying.

I just sat there and looked around seeing if I could spot my friends. But I couldn’t, Tikira hadn’t drank alcohol in almost 10 months so to say she was wasted was an understatement, from the moment we left the apartment she’d been throwing back liquor so I really wouldn’t be surprised if she was passed out somewhere.. A drunk Tae meant a clingy Tae so she was somewhere stuck to Trey like glue, I hadn’t seen either since they walked out of the back yard hand in hand about Half n hour ago, she was probably somewhere giving him the drunkest birthday sex of his life. Kyra hadn’t left Mijo’s lap since she got here, even Alana and Ty had a little weird something going on with each other and Rob was God knows were. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d found his own little booty call tonight. It seemed like everybody else had. And then there was me. Sober, sad and sat alone on these cold ass steps.
This is literally what my life had become.

“What’s good ma, why your fine ass sitting here all alone?” I heard a deep voice suddenly ask from behind me, startled I looked up to see no other than Dre the other half to Ricky standing behind me. We made eye contact for a brief second, I rolled my eyes and finished the last that was in my cup as I got up to make my way to the front door. It was honestly time for me to go home. “Where you going?” Dre gently grabbed hold of my arm.

“Don’t touch me please!” I snatched away from him

“Woah my bad shorty! I didn’t realise we had problems” he held his hands up

“We don’t have any problems, just don’t ever touch me” I stated.

“Ok I’ll remember, Next time I know not to touch that nigga Chris’ property” He began laughing obnoxiously. I kissed my teeth and barged past him going back into the house. Dre being here meant Ricky was probably sniffing around also which just meant drama.

As I walked through, the kitchen was filled with people smokin’ and being loud playin’ a game of spades, the hallway was crowded with people drinking and dancing, there were people just everywhere. After a few moments of “Excuse me’s” and pushing people I managed to squeeze my way through the crowd and finally get outside. The air was starting to get cold and I hadn’t brought a jacket with me so I pulled out my phone and logged onto my uber app to quickly request a ride home. It didn’t take long before I soon heard my name being called from behind me. “Yo lil sis, where you going?” I heard Mijo’s voice coming from the direction of the house. I looked back and he was jogging down the steps with a red cup in his hand.
“I just requested an uber, I’m bout to go home” I mumbled
“You ordered it already?” He said walking towards me.
“Nah but there’s a couple a few minutes away” I mumbled as I watched the uber app ready to request a drive.
“Aight let me drop you”
“No Mijo it’s fine”
“It’s late and cold, I ain’t about to let you get in a uber alone. Come on” he insisted as he began walking towards the street where his car was parked. Reluctantly I put my phone in my pocket and followed behind him just knowing I wouldn’t win either way.
“What’s up with you, why you leaving so early anyway?” he asked me as we finally got inside the car. I shrugged
"No reason” I replied. Mijo looked at me strangely.
“Yo you good? You been mad quiet tonight”
“Yeah I’m good” I mumbled looking down at my feet.
“Is that the real answer or you just telling me that so I’d shut up?” He said jokingly. I smiled faintly at that and then just shrugged again.
“I mean I ain’t dying and I ain’t dead so…”
Mijo laughed. “That don’t sound too good, if that’s what your basing your happiness on”
“Mmm, well right now I ain’t got too much to be happy about”
“Let me take a wild guess…something happened with you and Breeze?” He guessed. I laughed lightly. More from embarrassment rather than humour.
“Who else, it seems every time we speak these days it’s me trippin over him right”
“What happened this time. I swear y'all the most dysfunctional pair I’ve ever come across. I thought me and Kyra were bad!” he joked
“Nahh, You and Ky ain’t got nothing on our level of dysfunction” I humoured.
“What happened?”
I sighed “…I don’t even know Mijo that’s the thing. The other day I found the morning after pill in his car, I found it was Jen’s so I asked what the deal was and he told me he was still sleeping with her, so I was like imma fall back and let you do your thing. It’s obvious that they got something he don’t wanna let go off and my feelings are way too invested to just stick around knowing he fucking another girl. Obviously Chris don’t like when shit don’t go his way and he was pissed I wouldn’t talk to him or answer any of his calls after. Then recently he found out Jen was messing with that Ricky dude still”
“STILL?!” Mijo yelled in shock
“Yeah I guess. I don’t know. But one time I saw him at the mall when I was with Niecey and he knew her and Chris was mad that I didn’t tell him about it, but I honestly forgot about all that! I mean shit, I been going through so much shit in these past weeks where Jennifer decides to spread her pussy was the LAST thing on my mind!” I said with an attitude, Mijo chuckled

“Anyway Chris came to my place earlier mad as hell about the whole situation, he told me he wish he never met me and that I’m the reason his life is fucked up. He called me a hoe, a bitch, a liar, all this shit because Jennifer decided to fuck around on him and I’m just standing there like what the fuck? It don’t matter how angry or how upset I ever am with him I would never say half the shit he says to me when he’s ‘angry’. He’s horrible and he’s relentless with his words. It’s like he don’t care that I actually do have feelings…”

“You ever heard the saying you hurt those closest to you or that you love the most?” Mijo asked

“Nah fuck that shit! Chris is on a different level. He always says things the most hurtful things to me. And In my mind i keep hearing them and I try not to think about it but it keeps popping up in my head. I just don’t get what I’ve done to him. I just don’t understand, he blames me for everything, shit I can’t even control; he always makes me feel like it’s my fault” I spoke as a tear rolled down my cheek. Mijo looked at me and then shook his head.

“Nae do you want me to be honest with you?” He asked.

I shrugged wiping my eyes. "You might as well. Everybody else is”

“I think maybe it might be time for you to move on For real” Mijo said honestly. I looked at him in slight shock. Not because of what he said but simply because it was him saying it. Usually Mijo was trying to convince me to stay with his friend, never to leave. “I don’t know what Chris going through but that nigga head not in the right place. He can’t see he got a good girl tryna’ ride for him and you just wasting your time tryna make him come to his senses. You got a baby girl to think about and that nigga ain’t doing shit right now but stressing you out”

“I know” i mumbled, “I really do want to move on and just get over him Mijo but I just can’t get my head together; and it’s like every time I try to leave, something just pulls me back and then I’m back to square one again, battling for this mans attention when he don’t even really know what he wants…”

“You gotta be strong. Only you know your strength” he replied.

“Mmm…Anyway fuck this, I’m over talking about him, he’s taken up enough of my energy” I said wiping away my tears. I was over crying and just talking about this man. I’d done enough of it.

“How come Dre’s here. Does Trey know him?” I asked him switching the subject.

Mijo shrugged. “It’s niggas from all over the wood here. He probably just heard about it like everybody else”
“Oh” I muttered
"He said something to you?”
“Yeah just being slick and whatever. I don’t really care” I shrugged. As we were sat in the car talking a little longer, a black Mercedes suddenly came speeding down the road out from no where. “What the fuck?” Mijo mumbled looking out his window as the speed from how fast the car was driving caused his car to shake. The Mercedes came to an abrupt halt. And the more I stared at the vehicle. The more I recognised the cars licence plate.

“Isn’t that…” As soon as I even began, the car door flew open and Chris hopped straight out from it. Unthinkingly I sighed.

“The fucks wrong with this nigga” Mijo said raising up in his seat “….Yo what he about to do”he muttered as both our eyes followed him as he walked up the driveway in manor that said he was out for blood. He didn’t even care that he’d parked his car in the middle of the street, blocking everybody in. He quickly disappeared into the house and then Mijo looked at me.
“Whats that about?” He asked
“I don’t know” I shrugged in confusion.
Why the hell was he so mad right now?
“That nigga don’t look right, imma see what he up too. You coming?” He asked as he quickly unhooked his seat belt
“Nah. I’ll just wait out here for you” I replied. Whatever he was pissed about. I was not about to be the one he took his anger out on; once again. It seemed like these days I was the perfect target.

“Aight one sec” Mijo closed the door and then jogged across the road and up the driveway soon disappearing into the house. Waiting around, I decided to call my dad and check to see if Asia was okay.
“Hey dad you sleeping?”
“Hey I was just about to, what’s up?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to check on Asia. Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine, she’s been asleep since 8” he chuckled “You still out with Tae and Alana?”
“Mhmm, I’m going home now though” I mumbled.
“Okay well be safe princess and call me in the morning”
“Okay love you”
“I love you too princess”

We said our goodbyes and then hung up the phone. I began scrolling through my social media’s just trying to kill some time until Mijo came back. After a few moments of waiting the loud music I could hear from the DJ in the backyard came to deafening a pause next thing I saw everybody who was chilling around outside suddenly rush into the house.

“What the hell?” I mumbled to myself wondering why everybody had suddenly gone in. I stayed in my seat for a few more minutes until eventually curiosity killed the cat and I got out to go and see what the commotion was.

As I was walking up to the door, I could see that The hallway was completely empty and now literally the whole party was crowded around something outside. I pushed my way through the crowd until I eventually got to the very front and saw that Chris was fighting somebody. The closer I looked I quickly realised it was him and Dre fighting on the lawn. Blood was all over Chris’ tshirt as he laid into Dre with a vengeance. With the amount of anger Chris was beating Dre with, I could tell Chris was nowhere inside his mind right now. In that moment he was completely delusional.

As I looked around me; Phones were out and people were recording but nobody was trying to stop them! “Somebody fucking stop him!” I yelled as everyone stood around just watching as Chris literally beat the shit out of Dre, he was literally going to kill him, I could see it, he’d completely blacked out. Dre was even coughing up blood but that wasn’t stoping Chris from completely laying into him; he was mad to the point of delirious and I was so scared that his anger would cause fatal decisions “Mijo please go stop him!” I cried pushing him off the porch, but Mijo held his ground not moving; it’s like everybody was fucking scared or something! I just stood there and cried hard, watching as Chris beat the shit out of Dre. At this point Dre wasn’t even fighting back anymore, he just lay there trying his best to block Chris’s fatal blows. It’s not until the sudden sound of loud cop sirens and red blue lights flickered in the distance did Ty, Trey and Mijo all suddenly rush of the porch and grab Chris off of Dre. Somebody had called the cops. “Chris come the fuck on the cops!” Ty yelled angrily at him as he snatched him off Dre. It literally took all three of them to pull him off of him, that’s how crazy he was going. As everybody dispersed from the back yard.The guys took Chris running towards the back gate that lead to the front of the house. I went to follow them but restraint when I felt somebody pull me.

“Jhene come on!” Tae suddenly grabbed my hand pulling me in the opposite direction of the boys. “Lashontae wait, I need to go see Chris!”

“No They’ve got him, now come on!” She shouted angrily at me. Reluctantly I followed with her towards her car. As we got to the driveway 3 cop cars were beginning to pull up, quickly I got in the front seat, Kyra and Alana jumped in the back and within seconds Tae was speeding out.
“What the fuck was that about, what the hell is wrong with Chris?!” Tae yelled with anger as she pulled up to a stop light.
“I don’t know!” I yelled throwing my hands up “I’m so fucking worried!” I was still crying.
“I didn’t even know he was there tonight” Alana said.
“He wasn’t. He pulled up and then that happened”
“I’m gonna call Mijo now, find out where they are” Kyra said pulling out her phone and dialling his number. “Can you check Trey’s with them please” Tae asked her looking through her front mirror.
“This is crazy. I thought he was gonna kill him” Alana said.
“So did I. I need to see him”
“He’s ruined Trey’s birthday! Now treys gonna have to pay for whatever damages done to the house!” Tae shouted.
“Okay Lashontae damn! Obviously something bad happened why he did that, Chris ain’t gonna be angry like that for no reason!” I defended him
“I don’t care he’s a fucking idiot, whatever bad thing that went down you don’t bring that shit to your friends birthday party!. And I don’t know why your sitting here stressing and defending his ass either after the way he treated you earlier Jhene!” She replied
“Oh whatever” I mumbled rolling me eyes.
“Yeah whatever!” She tutted cutting hers
“Yo Mijo said they going over to his place” Kyra informed us as she hung up her phone.
“Trey with them?” Tae asked
“Yeah their all there, apparently Chris is whylin though”
“Aint nothing new then” she replied with an attitude
“Yo what is your issue?” I got annoyed looking at her. Her shady ass comments were irritating me.
“My issue is that he can’t control his fucking temper and keeps ruining nigga’s days! This is like the 3rd incident in the past couple days that nigga’s lost his mind and beat somebody up!”
“Okay and you ain’t gotta deal with anything Lashontae, it’s not like he’s your man so why you stressing it!”
“He’s not your man either Jhene, he done told you that already, so why the fuck do you keep stressing about the dumb shit he be doing? This nigga flat out told you he wish he ain’t meet your ass and you STILL over here worrying about his ass…what is wrong with you!”
“Ok Tae why you gotta do all that” Kyra intervened.
“Because she’s bugging Kyra! She’s steady picking up for a nigga who don’t even give a fuck about her!”
“Oh whatever, I really don’t care about your opinion Tae”
“Yeah we know you don’t care which is why you always run back to him like a lost ass puppy!” She replied. I rolled my eyes and just looked out of my window tuning her out. I didn’t understand why the fuck everyone felt the need to have an opinion on a relationship that had nothing to do with them!

Part 2:

It took about 10 minutes for Tae to get to Mijo’s. As we pulled up to his block I quickly spotted them all sat outside Mijo’s porch all of them was there except Chris but his car was in the driveway. Tae pulled into a parking slot opposite the house. I was the first person to open my door. I just wanted to be outta this car and away from Tae.
“Nae wait let me just talk to you for a second” I heard her say in an apologetic tone as I got out the car, but I ignored her and quickly walked across the road. I wasn’t gonna listen to her especially if all she was gonna do was come at me like she just did. She was exactly like Tikira; how the fuck could you expect somebody to listen to you when all you was doing was insulting them!
“Hey Where’s Chris?” I asked as I approached the boys. Ty just looked up at me and shook his head, but said nothing. So I directed the question at Mijo, “Nae I don’t think you need to be seeing Chris right now, real talk” he mumbled.
“where is he?” I ignored what he said. “Mijo locked him downstairs in the basement” Ty replied. Without another word, I quickly ran up the porch steps and into Mijo’s house. I heard them call after me but I ignored them and headed towards the basement.
As I opened the door, I saw Chris was pacing back and fourth the floor like a madman. I closed the door and walked down the steps. Quickly he looked up at me hearing my footsteps. “Go back upstairs Jhene” he bluntly warned me. I stood in my stride then shook my head no. His head was bleeding from the fight, and he’d ripped off his shirt in anger. But his eyes are what worried me the most. It was like they were completely empty and soulless.
“What’s wrong with you first…Why you acting crazy?” I asked him slowly walking down the rest of the steps.
“Go back upstairs!” he repeated, the rage in his eyes was intimidating; the fear alone should of told my ass to just go back upstairs but I couldn’t. I just stood there almost frozen and just watched him.
I wanted to know what the problem was. It had to be something serious for him to be acting like this. And I know, I know I shouldn’t care. Why should I after everything he said to me earlier on, but I couldn’t help but be concerned.
His phone began ringing in his hand. Chris looked down at the name and suddenly it was like a raging bull seeing red. "FUCK!” Angrily he launched his phone at the wall just above my head, the phone missing me by just a slight inch! I screamed and covered my head as the phone loudly smashed into the wall and smashed into pieces. I looked back up at him incredulously with wide eyes, he looked up at me and his eyes were livid. “What the hell is wrong with you!” I screamed at him, his face blurring outta focus from my tears.

“Why the fuck are you down here?!” he yelled as he yanked me by my wrists and he shook me hard.

“Chris let go you’re hurting me! You’re hurting me! Let me go!” I was saying it, but he wasn’t listening, he was just yelling at me his hands were burning through my skin, the grip he had on my wrists were so tight I honestly thought he was going to snap my wrists. “Chris please let go, your scaring me!” I was crying. Who the fuck was this person! This most certainly wasn’t the man that I knew, I’d gone through this before; a man putting his hands on me and I was crying to not have to go through it again. I was honestly so fucking scared being stuck in this basement with this psychotic person Chris had turned into.

“Go the fuck back upstairs!” I screamed as Suddenly he pushed me away from him and a loud crash was heard as I fell with force; backwards into a stack of cardboard boxes that were pilled on top of each other.

“Jhene baby, I’m sorry! - I didn’t mean to oh shit. Oh fuck, baby, I’m so sorry.” Chris tried to pull me up once he’d realised what he’d done.

"Get off me!” I shoved him with both hands, and he stumbled and stepped back a few spaces. Quickly I scurried up from the floor, and ran up the step but there were strong arms grabbing at me, pulling me back.

“Baby please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” He was begging with me, pleading for my forgiveness…even at his angriest, Chris had never ever put his hands on me, or caused any harm to me, not ever so I was so confused as to what had gone wrong that had caused him to treat me this way!

“Chris get off of me!” he was holding onto my waist; his grip was soo tight that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t fucking leave! “Chris please get off me, let me goo!” I was crying

Somehow I managed to fight my way out of his grasp, and run up the steps.

“Jhene I’m fucked up!” he yelled up to me, “I’m fucked up Jhene please…please- listen to me… just hear me out” he pleaded, I twisted the door knob to leave when suddenly I heard him say something that almost cause my world to halt.

“Jeniece, she’s not my child Jhene” he spoke…So quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

“…What?” I turned around to face him, his face blurred into focus from my tears

“Jennifer…she just told me Jeniece ain’t really my child" was all I heard him say before one of the most raw and tragic things I’d ever seen happened. I’d only ever seen Chris cry once before but it was nothing like this. This was a deep raw cry, a cry from the soul. The cry of a man’s heartbreaking. “Oh my God…Chris"

I didn’t know what to do and for a brief second I was stumped, but quickly I realised right now I needed to put aside my emotions and help him. I just wrapped my arms around him and just held him tight towards me as he broke down crying in my arms. It didn’t excuse his behaviour but now I understood why he was acting the way that he was…he was hurting. That’s the funny thing about loving somebody; your pain could turn to their sympathy in a matter of seconds.

“Chris I’m so sorry”
“What am I supposed to do Jhene? What the fuck am I supposed to do?” He asked me as his voice broke. I didn’t have any answers for him, how was I supposed to tell him it was going to be okay or that he needed to be strong or all the other generic shit people say. He’d just lost a piece of him, that little girl was Chris’ world. Ever since he found out about her, they’d built an inseparable bond with each other, it was beautiful to see. She was literally his little ray of sunshine. Everything he did was to benefit her and Asia, and now it was all being snatched away from him.

“Fuck, I’m crying like a little bitch yo” he said slightly pulling away so he could wipe his eyes. I didn’t speak. I tensed up a little as he rested his head on my forehead. “Baby, I’m sorry man- for what I just did to you, I’m sorry” he apologised. I didn’t say anything. The tip of his nose lightly grazed against mine and he caught his lips between mine and kissed me. At first I hesitated and went to pull away from him, but Chris pulled my waist into him deepening the kiss. I didn’t know what to think in the moment. Although I was only kissing him, for the first time I was confused as to why. I was literally being put through a whirlwind of emotions. I was confused, angry, relieved, sad all at the same time. One side of me was shouting to put a end to this shit, Why the fuck was I comforting somebody who had little to no respect for me or my feelings, why was I giving into him AGAIN when not even 5 hours ago, I was every bitch and hoe under the sun to him not even 10 minutes ago he’d angrily thrown me into a pile of boxes! And then there was the other side of me, the side that told me that I understood him more than anybody else, he was just upset and hurt and didn’t know how to express his feelings. That side told me that he needed me; that he was sorry and he didn’t mean anything he done or anything he said. That side that told me to remember that I loved him, and that I could make things work with him, because I loved him.

We stayed in the basement for about an hour and a half. By then Chris managed to calm down a lot; he kept apologising to me for what he’d done, but honestly I just didn’t know how to feel. He was fucked up, but so was I. He told me about everything that had happened, how Jennifer had lied about Niecey being his daughter and how she was hiding all my letters and all this other bullshit that right now I just couldn’t process. It was all too much.
The room was silent and had been for the past 10 minutes as he laid in between my legs on the couch. His eyes were closed and his hands were linked together in the position of a comfortable sleep but he was still awake. I knew his mind was ticking at a thousand per second, I could tell by the furrow in his brows.

“I think you might need to get this checked out tomorrow” I told him as I lightly brushed my finger over the gash just above his eyebrow from the fight. Chris flinched a little as my finger slipped the cut.
“Is it that bad?”
“Yeah, it looks like it might get infected if you leave it” I mumbled

Chris sucked his teeth. “I got baby wipes in my bag, I could clean it a little for you” I said tapping him so he could lean up, he got up and I quickly picked up my bag from the floor and dug in it until I grabbed the pack of bacteria wipes from inside of it. “Sit” I patted the seat next to me, Chris plopped down heavily beside me. I climbed over him so that I was now straddling his lap and then took one of the wipes out of the packet. Carefully I dabbed the wet wipe against the gash, Chris hissed in pain and pulled away. “That shit is stinging Jhene man!” he complained holding my wrist away from his face.
“Baby it’s gonna sting, just wait” I pulled away from him. He winced for a second time as I gently dabbed the wipe against the gash and then he closed his eyes to succumb the stinging sensation. The clear discomfort on his face made me feel so bad for him because I knew he was in a lot of pain not even just physically but mentally he was torn up I didn’t like seeing him this way. Jennifer was definitely going to pay for this shit, she had to get her ass beat the shit out of, even if I had to be the one to hand it her myself. The next time I saw her all bets were off. I was gonna beat the shit outta her not only for Chris and all the bull she put me through, but for Jeniece as well. She was a piece of shit, how the fuck could you have the heart to let your baby believe somebody who wasn’t her father, was her daddy. How could she sit there and watch her daughter build a bond so tight with a man she had no relations too.
Chris was the love of that little girls life. Literally you could see how much she adored him whenever they was around each other. Now she’d have to explain to her why Chris was no longer around and how somebody else was her daddy. Like how the fuck was a 4 year old expected to understand what was going on. Everything she knows from Chris’ side was about to be stripped away from her. I couldn’t imagine putting Asia through that.
“Do you know what your gonna do about Niecey yet?” I quietly asked him
“I don’t know man. I’m gonna get another paternity test first, find out if this shit is really true”
“And what if it is?”
Chris sighed deeply. “Then I guess I’m gonna have to let it be what it is…”
“You not gonna be in her life anymore?” I asked sadly.
“If that nigga’s really her dad then I can’t be in her life Jhene. It’s gonna hurt but…I can’t do it”
“I understand. I just feel so bad for her”
“Yeah” he sighed
“Well whatever it is you do, you know I’m always gonna be right here for you right” I said reassuringly. Honestly as messy as things were between us right now, I didn’t have the heart to completely turn my back on him, especially during a moment like this. I cared about him enough to put my feelings aside for a second. Chris stared at me for a moment, and then his eyes fell to my wrists that were close to his face. From where he’d grabbed my arms so tight earlier, red bruising had formed around my wrists from the grip. It wasn’t crazy visible, but noticeable enough for someone to be able to put two and two together. He looked back up at me; this time his eyes were filled with nothing but regret, so much so that he gently pulled my hands away from his face, putting a stop to me cleaning his gash.
“Am I still hurting you?” I asked him, wondering if that was the reason he’d pulled my hand away.
“Nah…” He shook his head.
“Then what’s wrong?” I asked obliviously.
“I’m just wondering why your doing all of this for me, Why your still here” He said. I threw the wet wipe in the small trash besides the couch.
"Don’t you want me to be here or something?” I playfully joked with him only he didn’t crack a smile, he smacked his teeth and looked at me in a way that said be for real. I sighed deeply and then looked down as I began fumbling with my fingers.
“You know what I mean Jhene. After everything I done to you, the way I been treating you recently…why are you still here with me? Acting like you care” he said.
“I’m not acting Chris” I snapped. I was offended. “If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be here, trust me”
“Why do you care then? How can you still care about me when I do what I do to you Jhene?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I ask myself this question every single time we break up and then I find myself back with you. I guess being in love with you just makes me stupid”
Chris scoffed shaking his head “This is wrong man” he mumbled more to himself than me. I looked at him with questioning eyes..“This is wrong, How can you still be in love me, I don’t even treat you right” he admitted.
I frowned at him. “I don’t wanna talk about this” I mumbled getting up from him.
“You about to run away again?”
“No. But why should I sit here and listen to you telling me how stupid I am for still loving you as well. Don’t you think I’ve heard enough of people saying this to me?”
“Well maybe you should start listening to them” he spoke bluntly.
“Yo Why are you starting shit with me again Chris!” I shouted at him.

“How am I starting shit? I’m asking you simple ass questions that your finding difficult to answer” he replied

Your asking me shit that you know is gonna cause some sort of argument and you know it! No you don’t treat me right and really and truly after all the shit that you’ve put me through I shouldn’t still love you. Your completely right! Your terrible for me! All you do is stress me out and everything I shouldn’t look for in a man, your probably half of it!
But it’s not that easy to just get up and act like I don’t care about you. I can’t just forget you. I wish more than anything that I could but I can’t. You still mean fucking everything to me and I hate it but it’s the truth” I finally admitted. Chris just stared at me for a moment, with a very unreadable expression on his face.
“Go back upstairs Jhene” was all he said before he suddenly got up from the couch, startling me.
My eyes followed him “What?”
“You heard what I said. Go back upstairs” he repeated
“Because I said so Jhene. Go back upstairs!”
“No” I shook my head
“Look Jhene, just go back upstairs aight”
“For what reason?”
“I can’t do this with you anymore that’s why. Just go back upstairs!” He yelled this time.
“Do what with me, what are you even talking about?”
“THIS WITH YOU!” He replied. “I can’t keep doing this back and forth, break up to make up shit with you anymore, it’s getting old and it’s tired!”
“Then we don’t have to do it. I don’t get it Chris”
Chris closed his eyes in frustration.
“Do I have to tell you I don’t love you or something? Or that I hate you? What do I have to tell you for you to just go Jhene?” He asked
“Don’t tell me anything. I don’t get why you keep purposely trying to push me away” I began crying. I just didn’t understand what was going on anymore. I didn’t get why he was purposely saying and doing things that would cause me to want to distant myself away from him completely. Just a few days ago he was promising me he wasn’t going anywhere and that we were gonna be okay.
How could he have changed his mind about us within a few days! He was JUST kissing me and trying to get me to stay with him and now he was doing this, I felt so needy and so desperate but I just needed to understand! Because right now nothing made sense to me he was so friggin bipolar and it was driving me insane!. “Do you not love me anymore? Is that what it is?” I asked him.
“You know that’s not the truth”
“No if it is just please tell me now so that I can get my own closure and move on!”
“I’m not about to lie to you and tell you that I don’t love you anymore just so you can get closure Jhene!” He replied.
“Then what the fuck! I’m so confused!” I yelled throwing my hands in the air. This whole situation just didn’t make sense to me. He literally does one thing and then says the opposite! It’s constant mixed messages dealing with him! “What the fuck do you want from me Chris?!”
“I don’t want nothing from you! That’s my point! I want you to leave, forget about me and go and have a good life! I just found out the little girl I’ve been raising for the past 2 years ain’t even my child! I might be going back to prison for some bullshit that’s outta my control, I can’t love you how you want me to love you right now Jhene if you can’t see that I’m doing this for your own good. I don’t know what to tell you” he said to me.

Doing this for my own good?! So he was playing games with my feelings, toying around with my emotions, watching me cry and break down over him, all for my own good?!

“Your so full of shit Chris! If that’s the case maybe you should’ve left me alone from the start. If you knew you couldn’t love me or whatever the fuck that even means you should’ve left me alone! I was finally getting over you and then you came back and just fucked with my head even more than you did the last time and now your telling me you can’t love me right …do you not think about how your actions affect people before you do things?” I was crying.
“Baby please just-”
“No don’t baby me! Don’t call me that anymore!” I shouted at him, he sighed running his hand over his face
“Okay; Jhene please don’t cry, can you just understand me” he stepped closer to me.
“No fuck you Chris. You’re a fucking asshole!.” I grabbed my stuff. Quickly I ran back up the basement stairs leaving him downstairs alone.
When I got back upstairs everybody was now laid out chilling in the living room watching some random movie that was on.
“Nae, you okay?” Tae asked sitting up from Trey. When she said that of course everybody looked at me.
“No, can you take me home please?” I was crying.
“Yeah sure”without hesitation she got up and grabbed her keys. Without so much as a word to anyone she Grabbed my hand and lead me out the door.