bad infomercial

Infomercial Quotes Starters

Feel free to change pronouns and such!

  • “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
  • “But wait, there’s more!”
  • “You can do it!”
  • “Now I’m going to put my foot underneath your heel.”
  • “This is why I have such a great job.”
  • “You’re going to LOVE this.”
  • “Now they can even share clothes!”
  • “Stumbling around in the dark is dangerous.”
  • “Don’t turn on the light and wake up the whole family!”
  • “It is so simple. I love it!”
  • “You stick ‘em in your ears–gross!”
  • “Or just keep it in your pocket.”
  • “Has this ever happened to you?”
  • “Bibs aren’t just for babies!”
  • “Without me, the puzzle is incomplete.”
  • “The happy hot dog man makes a happy imprint on your hot dog!”
  • “We all end up acting like kids at dinner.”
  • “Nowhere to run?”
  • “You probably don’t have enough time to practice.”
  • “Finally, there’s a better way!”
  • “It’s embarrassing to have someone help you with your personal matters.”
  • “You just shake it back and forth!”
  • “In a matter of seconds, you feel it.”
  • “I’ve got the perfect gift.”
  • “I’m not inconsiderate.”
  • “And it smells bad, too!”
  • “The babes are back!”
  • “Parts shift, they sag, they alter, they move around…”
  • “We’ve gotta start doing something to prepare.”
  • “No, he uses the entire tree!”
  • “THAT is a bear scratch! AAAAAAHHHHH!”
  • “I can get in shape just sitting around!”
  • “Tired of standing around?”
  • “Put one in your pocket!”
  • “This is a whole can of soda.”
  • “Just rub, peel, and scrub, all at the same time!”
  • “There’s a new girl in town that can’t keep a secret!”
  • “Don’t make me eat the broccoli.”
  • “You asked her that?”
  • “Feel safe and warm in his embrace while comfortably resting your head on his chest.”
  • “I’m doing it! I’m digging it! I’m bringing it! And I’m loving it, baby!”
  • “How 'bout ice cream?”
  • “But we’re saving that one for last.”
  • “Where do you snazzy nap?”
  • “But putting up decorations takes so much time.”
  • “Neighbors will be in awe.”
  • “One wrong step and you can end up on the floor!”
  • “Tired of lunging and plunging, only to get a face full of you-know-what?”
  • “So, I’m staying at a friend’s house, and I accidentally clogged the toilet.”
  • “Clap on! Clap off!”
  • “Because it really works!”
  • “You’re about to be mesmerized.”
  • “I don’t know what it is, but it’s the coolest thing ever!”
  • “If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with your whole hand.”
OK BUT

Pyrrha being really bad at throwing non-metal things. Like she turn around and throw a wrench into a basket on a moving target. She can flip a ring with two fingers while blindfolded onto the bottle tops to win the grand prize at the fair. She throw a dart under one arm and make a perfectly good bullseye six times in a row. Team JNPR has a vine account dedicated for this reason only.
But she cannot coordinate non-metal things. It’s like a bad infomercial. She’ll toss the pancake mix to Ren and it’ll explode all over him. She’ll pass Nora her scroll charger and it’ll land five feet away from her. She’ll toss Jaune a snack after training and it’ll land on the roof. Team JNPR has dedicated a vine account for this reason only also.

Real Life Infomercials: "Is NOTHING Easy?!"

Hux and I went on a terrible quest to find the worst infomercial gifs to remind us that, even when we have a hard day, there are about 30 people who are having worse days that you. These people star in infomercials.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present….

                        30 People Who Are Worse At Life Than You

1. “What? I can’t cut bread with a doorstop?”

Keep reading

Random sentence starters
  • "Did you really just insult Captain America in front of me?"
  • "So you're a liar and a thief."
  • "So are you going to kiss me or can I finish this cigarette first?"
  • "Can I touch your boob?"
  • "Is it bad that I enjoy infomercials more than I enjoy actual television shows?"
  • "So your mother is pregnant and it might be my fault."
  • "You smell like butt."
  • "Please tell me I'm hearing things and that you're not actually listening to Kidz Bop right now."
  • "You either owe me a hundred cookies or a really expensive bottle of vodka—your choice."
  • "What the hell did you just say about my favorite band?"
  • "Please never call me by my full name ever again."
  • "Do you prefer to read or watch your porn?"
  • "I think I need to lose ten pounds."
  • "Who do you love more, me or your mom?"
  • "Tell me the dirtiest joke you can think of."
  • "Were you aware that there is ice cream?"
  • "That was worth seven thousand dollars and you think 'I'm sorry' is going to make us even?"
  • "It's not that you're wrong, exactly, you're just extremely not right."
  • "You shouldn't be trusted with small children, should you?"
  • "Give me cake or give me death."
  • "I'm starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was."
  • "Are you actually wearing my underwear right now?"
  • "I want candy."
  • "On a scale from, 'I can sometimes make important phone calls without crying' to 'I have a stable job with a steady income, a spouse who loves me, a dog, and two kids who are screwed up minimally at worst' how much of an adult are you?"
  • "Okay but like, if vampires aren't real, then explain Pluto."
9

The Superlatively Superfluous Adventures of Legolas (&Tauriel)

Dateline: Laketown Refugee Camp (2/40)

When I decide to exercise on a bad day

Originally posted by asfailedontv

[Black and white gif of a woman using a two-handled thing with a wheel between the handles to exercise. She is on her knees and holding the handles with either handle. Instead of rolling out a ways and then rolling back, she collapses on the carpet.] 

7

The Superlatively Superfluous Adventures of Legolas (and Tauriel)

Dateline: Gundabad (19/25)

100% True Reasons Arthur Maxson is Afraid of Synths

as written by Deacon

1) he got his dick stuck in the little round suction-y part of a vacuum when he was 14, and he still wakes up from sweaty nightmare / wet dreams about it

2) one time, the toaster popped when he wasn’t expecting it and he slipped on the kitchen tile, fell down on his ass like a bad infomercial, and peed himself a little in front of like, five initiates

3) even Yes Man didn’t say yes when Arthur asked him out. the poor securitron whirred for a bit, briefly considered self-destructing, and finally said “haha, awwww” before rolling away REALLY fast

4) once, he took out a usb drive without ejecting it first and all of his data really was corrupted, and he’s never heard of that happening to anyone else except for him, THIS IS DISCRIMINATION

5) he told his terminal to “update tonight” and then went it bed and it woke him up at 2 am with the Windows XP starting noise, which scared him so badly he thought they were under attack by the Institute. legend has it, Arthur ran screaming out into the hall wielding a dildo and a pillow–the closest items he had on hand–ready to do battle, but his not-so-tidy-whities had shit stains ALLLLL on the back

  • Farty Arty strikes again