bad eagle

rinse the blood off my space toga

“Can I see? Wait, there’s no shafts? it just.. grows in two colours?”
“Er. Not exactly.”
“The other humans’ plumage isn’t near this bright. Are you a born leader?”
“HAH. no.”
“It signifies caste, then? Or a mating display?!”
“Not even close. I went out and paid an artisan to apply a harsh chemical to rip out my natural colouration, then apply this artificial one.”
“That sounds.. unpleasant.”
“Yeah it burned like a <<dog?>>, my scalp was tender for days after.”
“If it doesn’t create any advantages, what’s the point?”
“Ah, it just looks <<rutting>> <<cold>>. What other reason do we need?”
“..humans are weird. .. .. .. do you think it would work on feathers?”

captain america is a turkey

There are many people to blame for this, but mostly @woofgender and @sarsaparillaswords (and @sweet-coffee-jelly because they own rights to the powerpoint, and @neuromagpie for knowing many bird facts)

“I don’t want this,” Steve said, but it was too late–Sam already had his laptop hooked up to the TV screen.

WHY AMERICA’S MASCOT SHOULD BE A TURKEY by Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes (a picture accompanied the title of two hand-drawn turkeys, presumably one by Sam and one by Bucky)

Slide 2 was just a white background with size 48 font: “BALD EAGLES SUCK” - Benjamin Franklin

“I feel like this is not going to be very factual,” Steve groaned. He could have easily escaped the blanket and pillow pile that Bucky fashioned around him to “chain” him to the couch, but a massive eye roll would have to do for self defense.

“Wrong!” Sam barked. “We did our research.” He flipped to the next slide, which was about how Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird. “He actually thought bad eagles sucked. And I quote: ‘He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly.’ Dude hated eagles, man. Founding Father right there.”

“Next slide!” said Bucky. “Benny Franklin also said: ‘For in Truth the Turkey is … a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on.’ That’s you, Steve.”

“Plus, turkeys are native to North America.”

Steve made a face.

“Turkeys will also imprint on humans during mating season, and have no regard for the human’s gender,” Sam said, showing the next slide.

“Which makes them bisexual. You’re a turkey, Steve,” Bucky concluded.

“But–turkeys can’t fly,” Steve said.

“Neither can you.” Sam exchanged a smirk with Bucky.

“Plus you’re a giant show off,” Bucky said.

“With huge breasts.” Sam busted out laughing and so did Bucky–it was those kinds of self masturbatory laughs where they both doubled over while smacking each other.

“I give up.” Steve threw his head back on the couch cushion.

This prompted Sam to go to the last slide of the power point presentation, which included a video of a herd of gobbling turkeys. “Listen! This is how Steve sounds all the time!” Bucky pretended he was throwing the shield and made gobbling sounds.

Sam ran in place and made his best Intense Captain America Face while gobbling.

So Steve grabbed two pillows and launched them at Sam and Bucky, hitting Bucky with a loud THUMP while Sam dodged it and it broke a lamp behind them.

“Jesus Christ! Barnes, we angered the turkey!”

“Run for it!”

So if you were a hired driver for Amazon and were about to walk up to the house to deliver a box containing the new flatware set, curtain rod, NERF Maverick blaster, and pack of 50 white ankle socks, you would have heard the muffled sounds of laughing, crashing, cursing, and gobbling that then ensued for about twenty minutes intermixed with proclamations of CAPTAIN AMERICA IS A TURKEY!

A typical Tuesday afternoon, really.