When I was very small, I cut my finger somehow. I don’t remember how I did it now but it wasn’t getting better with time - in fact, it started to swell and turn red. So my grandmother looked at it and disappeared into the kitchen while my mother was helping me get ready for bed.
Grandma soon came back with a soapy wash rag, a wet wash rag, a piece of raw fatty bacon, and a clean strip of cotton. She washed my hand even though it hurt a lot and I complained that my mother had already washed it that day. Then she wrapped the fatty strip of bacon around my whole finger, not just the end with the cut, and she secured the bacon with the clean piece of cotton fabric. I was so confused. I grew up getting yelled at if I went anywhere near raw eggs or raw meat and there she was putting raw bacon on my unhealed swollen cut. She held my hand in both of hers and stared at it intently for close to a minute, and then she told me to go to bed with the bandage on my finger overnight. I remember going to bed and feeling uncomfortable because raw bacon feels greasy and just … yuck.
But the next morning, my mother took off the bandage and not only was the swelling gone but a very small bit of wood had been drawn to the surface. My mother removed the splinter without hurting me and she threw out the raw bacon without a word.
It happened a few more times in my childhood and it always worked. I once asked my mother when I was about 9-years-old where my grandmother learned “the bacon magic” as I called it. My mother didn’t ever want to say much about the not-so-common things my grandmother and even she did (now I know she only wanted me to find my own path, not be what they were because it was expected) and she only said, “We learned a lot on the farm.”
So that’s my tip for today. Raw fatty bacon. My grandmother taught it to my mother and then to me from wherever she learned it. If you have a flesh injury that is swelling, showing first signs of infection, or you can’t get out a splinter, try applying raw fatty bacon to it for a while. It always worked in my household. Make sure you clean the injury regularly as well as before applying the bacon and after you remove it. This old remedy worked for my family far more often than not, so I’m comfortable passing on the advice.
Disclaimer: Folk remedies are done at your own risk and do not replace medical advice. I’m not a doctor. Please consult your physician if your injury worsens, you still can’t get the splinter out, or if the infection is more advanced than first stages. Folk remedies also don’t replace standards of cleanliness. Keep your injuries clean with soap and water or anti-bacterial washes regularly even right before and right after doing a remedy like the bacon. Lastly, the bacon needs to be as fresh as possible.
Thomas turned from his coffee, finding himself staring up at what might as well have been a ghost, “Abel-”
“Look who’s returned home,” Abel smiled that familiar crooked smile.
“This isn’t my home Abel,” Thomas shifted in his seat trying to give a light hearted smirk,, “you know that.”
Abel’s smile widened, sliding in across from his brother, “So serious little brother,” he joked, grabbing a strip of bacon from Tommy’s plate.
Thomas eyed his brothers kutte, distorted fragments of past memories flickered through his thoughts. Abel caught sight of his brothers lingering stare, “Keeping the legacy alive Tommy,” he shoved the last bit of pork into his mouth, “one of us had to…”
“Speaking of which,” Abel’s crooked little smile twisted in amusement as he leaned in, “What are the feds doing in Charming anyways?”
Thomas held back the shock that played at the tip of his tongue, trying to remain professional, he had to remind himself that his brother was as smart as he was deadly. “I don’t-”
Abel’s smile dropped and his blue eyes turned sinister, “Drop it Tommy, it’s almost insulting that you didn’t think I would find out.” He leaned back and his lips pulled into an amused little smirk, “My brother,” he scoffed, “FBI.”
Thomas took another sip from his mug before leaning in, “And my brother the outlaw.”
Choir: Trendy throat cult
Soccer: Toe ball run fun
Tennis: Netting the whites w/o fish
Orchestra: Rub dem string
Band: Too much brass to handle
Science: Do you even vape @erth
Math: More like meth amirite
Football: fat man suit collide: voyage
Theater: Lick a bum hole it for art
Lion: Orange loud fur
Marmite: Salt shit spread
Hippo: Fat water horse
Jokes: Giggle triggers
Halibut: Big ass swimmy swim
Justice: The Government Tries™
Baking: Lightly burned wheat substance
People: The cause of every problem
Legs: Supportive meat sticks
Bacon: Hot butt strips
Koi fish:Angry aesthetic swimmy swim
Oprah winefry: Loud bread enthusiast
Beyoncé knowles: Creative child namer
Chris Pratt: Funniest fried rodent ever™
Aubrey plaza: Pretends to be angsty
Jimmy Fallon: Small funny man
Ellen degeneres: Gay humorer
Jennifer Lopez: Not Jennifer Lawrence
Tyra banks: Tear a bat into pieces
Fork: 3 large ones all attached
Lamp: Hot and nice on a stick
Printer: Cumin out but I wanted it
Bread: Yeast on a journey
Corn: Smol yellow nuggets
Tree: Peekin out from dat erth
Florida: Gators in my ass
Billboard: Paper but not smol
Cup: Bebe bowl
Soup: Hot thick juice in a fat cup!!
Kate spade: Catty Spice
Louis vitton: Loose Vitamin
Ferrari: Ferris Oil
Anne kleini: Ankle Lime
Marc Jacobs: Microphone Jacket
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot… that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.