my character, a vampire bard, is traveling with a drug-addict healer (human) , a wizard, and a monk.
we reach a village and find a house with an old man.
DM (old man) : i’m… to old… to escape this town… burning down…. (my character accidentally set the whole forest on fire) you’re welcome to take some water in the old well behind my house though.
me: we don’t have any water bottle to store the water in.
DM: the old man has a mug which he’s been working on for decades. it has some beer in it.
me: i fight the old man for that mug
healer: why?? ? he hasn’t even finished the mug let him have the mug
me: we need water
healer: forget the water. i see if the old man has any chickens in the backyard.
DM: the old man indeed has some chickens that you can catch.
healer: can we please just leave the old man alone and take the chickens; i’m tired of you idiots causing ruckus again
me: I FIGHT THE MAN FOR THE MUG
after a few rolls, the old man with one eye socket empty, lies on the ground with bleeding wounds.
me: can i suck his blood
healer: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS
me: I HADN’T HAD ANY MEALS SINCE THE GOBLIN BLOOD AT LUNCH
me: HE’S GONNA DIE ANYWAY
healer: UGH i exit the house to go to the chickens.
DM: bard, roll for the action
me: (rolls a 3)
DM: you approach the man, but the blood has already drained all to the ground. you sadly lick the puddle of blood.
me: amazing. this isn’t going to cut it, im going to need a live chicken to feast on. i approach the healer with all the chickens.
me: hey can i have a chicken
healer: wait, actually,
healer: here, wizard, hold this chicken.
wizard: (holds the chicken) what for?
healer: while the wizard is holding the chicken, i sliT THE CHICKEN’S THROAT AND LET ALL THE BLOOD FALL TO THE DIRT WHILE MAINTAINING DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH THE BARD.
everyone in the room goes NUTS as i continuously scream NO in frenzy for twenty minutes.
me: I TRY…TO… LICK THE BLOOD OFF THE DIRT
DM: the blood is soaked up in the dirt and you eat dirt instead
healer: THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A LITTLE BITCH
healer: NO DINNER FOR YOU