baby buble

If you’re a dude who sings “Santa, Baby” but changes all the lyrics to “Santa, buddy” and say “think of all the hotties I haven’t kissed” and you ask for “ca-ching” instead of “a ring.” I judge a little bit.

This was the musical version of “no homo!” Settle down dude. If you’re going to sing a famous flirtatious song about marrying Santa you need to embrace the gay a little. Or at least be less aggressively “we’re just bros being bros!” about it.

Most-Loved Christmas Music

Over the past month or so I’ve tried to narrow down my favourite Christmas songs/carols of all time, as well as finding my favourite renditions of them. This was the finished list. I was going to keep it to myself, but what good would that do?
Youtube links are on the song title, if you wanted to listen. Merry Christmas, tumblr folk.

Baby It’s Cold Outside - Colbie Caillat, Gavin DeGraw 

Winter Wonderland - Lady Gaga, Tony Bennet

River - Cee Lo Green

White Christmas - Otis Redding

Santa Tell Me - Ariana Grande (Bonus, Winter Things)

All I Want For Christmas Is You - Lady Antebellum

Mistletoe - Tori Kelly, AJ Rafael

Ave Maria - Michael Bublé (Bonus, Let It Snow)

First Noel - Leslie Odom Jr.

Last Christmas - Glee Cast (Yes I know it’s Glee, but the harmonies are unreal)

Santa Baby - Megan Hilty

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Sleeping At Last

Do You Hear What I Hear - Idina Menzel

Auld Lang Syne - Rod Stewart

That’s Christmas To Me - Pentatonix

youtube

Let’s have some lyrical analysis, shall we?

Arguably the most noticeable thing about the first verse is that, despite it being a man singing, the first two words are still “Santa Baby.” Uh oh, gay alert! This surly man singing just refered to Santa as ‘baby’ - what could that mean? He must love dick! This is nothing but a false start to an eventual crash and burn into tragic misogyny - apparent by the very first change Mr. Buble makes, from 'Sable’ to 'Rolex’ - from a once popular, expensive fur scarf to a watch. I mean, what’s more masculine than a watch? Obviously at this point, the listener has no doubts about Michael Buble’s heterosexuality. To reinforce this, Mr. Buble made the calculated change from “Santa Baby” to “Santa Buddy” - his straightness is, once again, assured to us.

Next, the line “a '54 convertible too, light blue’ is changed to 'a '65 convertible too, steel blue.’ Yet another example of true lyrical genius. While a '54 convertible seems like something you would pick out of any upper-middle class, white 1950’s home, a '65 convertible reeks with the stench of a true grease-man’s garage. That’s the kind of car you build with your dad, in the dead heat of mid-summer while he grills up some juicy cheeseburgers and let’s you take a sip of your first beer while listening to good ole American rock 'n roll. And light blue? For god’s sake, what is this, the Rockettes? Mr. Buble clearly needs a STEEL BLUE car, because steel is STRONG like MEN and he is a MAN. This change of car make is followed by the iconic "I’ll wait up for you, dude.” Dude, bro, my man, the big SC. There are no underlying homosexual feelings here, no siree.

Next I shall draw your attention to the line “think of all the hotties that I haven’t kissed.” While Eartha Kitt originally opted to call her male partners “fellas” we would obviously be forced to question the heterosexuality of Michael if he only refered to women as “girls” or “gals.” To leave his sexuality beyond the shadow of a doubt, he would obviously have to objectify women.

“Santa Pally” yet another completely homo-free expression of friendship, good job Mr. Buble.

However, things begin to turn when Mr. Buble changes “been an angel all year” to “been a SWEETIE all year”. Hmm … arguably no less feminine, but perhaps it was just a creative hiccup.

OH NOPE WE’RE SAFE!!! Instead of a duplex and checks, Michael asks for tickets to a hockey game, for kicks. There is absolutely nothing on this earth which requires more testosterone than hockey, obviously… . But wait, he ends the verse once again with “Santa Baby” - Michael, where is this going?

“Come and trim my Christmas tree”?!?!?!?! Mr. Buble shocks his audience by apparently making some sort of illusion to homosexual activity. What exactly IS his Christmas tree? What is it’s agenda?
Oh, but wait! He wants decorations bought at Mercedes, not Tiffany’s! We’re back on the straight train, thank God.

“Santa poppy” - odd, for sure, but no evidence of homosexuality. And instead of a ring, praise, he asks for money! OBVIOUSLY this man is 100% straight, and all it took was a few minor lyrical changes to convince us all. Some may suggest that in doing so he’s “trying too hard” or “just making things weird” but the truth stands to reason; Michael Buble is an artist, a heterosexual artist with strong feelings towards his good male friend, Santa Clause. And, honestly, he seems like a bit of a freeloader - definitely a straight guy.

  • Baby It's Cold Outside
  • Allon-s-k & Squigglydigg
  • Holiday Musictimes
Play

Here it is. Stay inside this winter cuz, baby, it’s cold outside.

I bet you weren’t expecting it to come out like this, were you? :>

Me & Squigglydigg

Instrumental Ensemble: Michael Buble

Lyrics:

(I really can’t stay) But baby, it’s cold outside

(I got to go way) But baby, it’s cold outside

(This evening has been) Been hoping that you’d drop in

(So very nice) I’ll hold your hands, their just like ice

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what’s your hurry

(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar

(So really, I’d better scurry) Beautiful, please don’t hurry

(Well maybe just a little a drink more) Put some records on while I pour

(The neighbors might think) But baby, it’s bad out there

(Say, what’s in this drink?) No cabs to be had out there

(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like stars tonight

(To break this spell) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

(I ought to say no, senora) Mind if I move in closer?

(At least I’m going to say that I tried) What’s the sense in hurting my pride?

(I really can’t stay) Oh baby don’t hold out

(unison) Ah but it’s cold outside

HEY, WAIT A SEC.

(You simply must go!) But baby, it’s cold outside!

(The answer is no!) But baby, it’s cold outside!

(The greeting has been) You’re lucky that I dropped in 

(So nice and warm) Look out the window at that storm!

(Your sister will be suspicious!) God your lips look delicious

(Your brother will be there at the door!) Waves upon a tropical shore

(Your maiden-aunt’s mind is vicious) Gosh your lips are delicious

(Well maybe just a cigarette more) Never such a blizzard before!

(You’ve got to go home!) But baby, I’d freeze out there!

(I’ll lend you my comb) It’s up to my knees out there!

(You’ve really been grand) It’s a thrill when you touch my hand

(But don’t you see?) How can you do this thing to me?

(There’s bound to be talk tomorrow) Think of your lifelong sorrow

(At least there’ll be plenty implied!) What if I cought pneumonia and died?

(You really can’t stay) Get over that hold-out

(Unison)Ah but it’s cold outside

I think, by now, you’ve realize this is the gender-flipped version of the song, that was included in the original rendition of the song. Halfway through the song, a love-drunk man realizes he was about to leave his own home, and turns back to convince his guest that she has to go home.

Also, forgive me for being off-tune. Still sick, so it was tough keeping on-tune.

Here’s where this version comes from