Steve didn’t think he’d ever run so fast in his life, even in a battle situation.
He’d just stepped out of the store with a bag of groceries when the explosion had rocked the city around him. He’d instinctively looked up at the top of Avengers Tower a couple of blocks away like he always did in situations like this, more out of habit than because he actually thought it was the source of the commotion, but his heart had leapt into his throat upon seeing reams of smoke pouring from the top half of the building.
So yes, he was running.
It was really bad. Just from looking at it, Steve could tell it was bad. Thick plumes of ashy grey smoke were pouring out of the windows, which he realised with a sick jolt had been blown out. He counted floors as he ran, realised the damage was exclusively in Avengers’ quarters, and felt even worse.
As he got closer, it became harder to get through the crowds. As well as passers-by who had stopped to stare, Stark Industries employees were pouring out of the atrium to stand in the street. Steve pulled his phone out of his pocket as he pushed his way through the throng of people. When he hit Tony’s number, it just rang and rang and rang.
“Pick up,” he pleaded, and then cleared his throat when the answer machine beeped. “Tony, baby, pick up your phone.”
Wait, I'm confused, what's airbuddies and why is it bad?
what’s your favorite movie? paul blart mall cop, right? well, imagine this. imagine if paul blart mall cop was based on a true story. it’s a good enough movie on its own, but once you learn that it’s all based on true events, wow, right? what an inspiring guy. this out of shape fellow had no business thwarting all those master mall thieves, but he did anyways out of sheer determination. so okay, great. paul blart mall cop. favorite movie. you buy the DVD, put posters up in your room, scour the internet for news about any upcoming sequels.
so then we find out that the real paul blart mall cop is dying (in this universe, there’s no need for kevin james, as PBMC does his own stunts). oh no! there goes any chance of a paul blart sequel, right? wrong. they’re gonna put out a sequel, all right, but they’re gonna shoehorn a subplot about paul blart having babies. which is fine, right? it’s a happy ending that can extend the story for future generations. PBMC would have no problems with this ending. so then, the sequel is made, and the real PBMC passes away at peace with his success. before his body is even cold, those same directors, realizing there is still money to be made, start work on a spinoff series surrounding blart’s babies. which, again, fine, right? wrong. they don’t know why you love paul blart mall cop. they don’t care that the real paul blart mall cop’s appeal was his reality.
he really existed in a world that underestimated him for how he looked, and he really overcame that. but hollywood doesn’t care. they think “oh, the kids love paul blart mall cop? well imagine how much they’ll love it when we give them a movie series starring his babies! except his babies will be superheroes. there will never be any sense of peril, the movies won’t feature malls, cops, or mall cops in any form, and also, just in case the audience starts to suspend their disbelief for even a moment, they’ll talk.
so there’s no soul in the sequels, and instead of doing his own stunts, as paul blart mall cop did, they bring in stunt doubles. they bring in doubles for the puppies, er, babies as well, because there’s no way you could really have a baby flying around shooting laser beams out of his eyes at space alien thieves or whatever. oh, and also, 5 babies actually die during production of parvovirus because they weren’t vaccinated by the directors
so now this shitpile of a movie is coming out, and this is all you hear about from your loved ones, because you’re the big paul blart mall cop fan in your circle. “hey, wanna go see the new PBMC?” “I got you a PBMC cake for your birthday!” “I hear they’re working on another sequel, how excited are you?” you feign excitement at first, but you’re not a rock. you lack the force of will that the original PBMC had. you lash out a few times, but luckily, it all becomes white noise after a while.
feel that vague sense of unease and churning in your stomach? this is exactly what happened with air bud and that is why I will live with that feeling until the day I die
I was looking to see if I could send Robin Williams’ daughter a message of support. I heard there were some people sending awful messages and tweets and I guess I wanted to counter that. I was surprised to find that I created her header image for twitter. It was part of my short-lived “Babies with Laser Eyes” tumblr. I created something that made her smile and I know that isn’t much, but I feel like she probably needs all the smiles she can get. I wish I could do more.