b hive

What she says: I’m fine
What she means:

I’m outraged that an average bee’s lifespan is only 2 weeks. That’s 14 days. In those 14 days, the bee movie had the bees get an education for 9. 3 days of elementary school, 3 days of high school??? 3 days of college?????? The bee has already lived over half of their life. Barry should have died within the first 40 minutes of the movie since he time progressed somewhat rapidly. Also, in those 2 weeks he would have only produced half a tablespoon of honey!!!! Meaning, 4 bees died to make those teaspoons of honey you put in our tea. It’s outRAGEOUS.

Brooklyn Nine Nine High School | 1

Overview: Brooklyn Nine Nine High School has an odd assortment of staff. Jake Peralta’s students get the highest grades in any English class, despite his carefree attitude, much to the annoyance of his by-the-book colleague, Amy Santiago, who can’t seem to find a way to make math class fun. Finals are coming up, and all the students are stressed. Gina can’t take any more kids coming to her, crying over their report cards, drowning away their sorrows through substance abuse. Rosa’s getting tired of chasing after students that are smuggling cans of beer. Principal Holt expects the teachers to make sure Brooklyn Nine Nine doesn’t lose its place as the #11 best high school in New York by the end of the year.

Author’s Notes: AU where the characters of Brooklyn Nine Nine work in a high school. Jake is the English teacher, Amy teaches math, Charles teaches Home Ec, Gina is the guidance counselor, Terry is the gym teacher, Scully teaches art class, Hitchcock teaches chemistry, Rosa is the security guard, and Holt is the principal.

Tags: @iwantyoutochooseme @jasonblossomsghost @dorkperalta @notsarasblog @diamantecioccolato @peraltiagoisland @umbreellaa @kukkiduchess @captainswan618 @queennhowell @notnormalalert @countessklair @catnolannn @victorieschild  @wheneverinrome @stardust-on-the-tardis @magnxtize

Ratings: T

Warnings: Beyoncé. IDK if y’all need a warning for this but here ya go.

Word Count: 1,659

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Chapter One: The Beybeys Are Late

“Peralta, you’re three minutes early. For once, you’re not late. I’m impressed,” Principal Holt nodded as the English teacher walked into the teachers’ lounge, hair still ratted, teeth barely brushed, wearing a sweatshirt on top of his pajama pants that he forgot to change out of.

“He probably got up early so he wouldn’t miss his morning cartoons,” Amy Santiago said with a smug look. She sat on the couch; legs crossed, back straight, arms folded over her three binders, containing the lesson plan for her geometry class. She arrived an hour early, since she has five alarms that makes sure she wakes up in time to put together a healthy breakfast and shower. Her pantsuit didn’t have a single wrinkle, and not a strand of her chestnut hair was out of place. She sipped her black coffee and sat back in her seat.

Gina strutted in after Jake, wearing her Chanel sunglasses and holding her Starbucks Unicorn frappucchino in her hand. “Sorry, ladies. Jake coming in early is my fault. Or, Beyoncé’s fault, to be specific, but I’d never accuse Beyoncé of doing such a thing, so I’ll gladly take the blame on this one. Bey owes me,” she explained.

“Were y’all waiting for Beyoncé to give birth!?” Terry asked excitedly after taking a sip of his power shake. “I’ve never been this excited about a black woman giving birth to twins since my wife Sharon gave birth to Cagney and Lacey!” he said as he bounced up and down in his tracksuit. He continued, “And don’t even get me started when Blue Ivy was born! That was the greatest day of my life!”

“What about when your third daughter, Ava, was born?” Jake asked.

“Right, right, right. Her, too. She’s important, too,” Terry quickly nodded.

Charles chimed in, “as much as I love my son, Nikolaj, I gotta admit, I am ready for these Beybeys to be born!”

The entire room erupted into a groan. Gina proclaimed, “Charles, as a certified member of the B-Hive, I can officially say that that word is a whole new level of extra. And that’s coming from me, the queen of extra. I’m so extra I order every single extra topping at Chipotle, no matter the cost.”

“Believe me, I know,” Charles replied. “You don’t think I noticed you stealing money out of my pocket before lunch break?” He turned to Rosa. “Why would you teach Gina how to pickpocket? Did you not consider that I would be her victim?”

Rosa ignored Charles and looked straight at Gina. “So you and Jake just hung out and waited for Beyoncé’s kids to pop out of her? Why didn’t you invite me?”she demanded.

“Well, you seemed more of a Rihanna fan to me,” Gina replied. Rosa continued to glare. “Listen, the twins haven’t emerged yet. We can stalk every celebrity news site tonight. We can also bet on what Bey’s gonna name the kids. My money’s on Purple Reign and Red Moss,” Gina reassured her. Rosa’s look softened. She nodded in agreement.

“Wait, who’s Beyoncé?” Scully asked, his face covered in yellow splotches.

“Beyoncé is one of the most famous female singers of all time. She is the definition of black excellence. Get woke, Scully!” Hitchcock informed, wiping a chip off the shoulder of his lab coat.

“Scully, it’s not even first period yet. How could you have possibly gotten yellow paint on your face already?” Jake asked with a look of disbelief.

“Oh, this isn’t yellow paint. This is breakfast.” Scully wiped the yellow off his face and licked his fingers.

Jake grimaced, but decided to ignore that. He made his way to the coffee maker. “Peralta,” Principal Holt’s voice boomed. “It will take approximately three minutes for you to brew your coffee, and first period starts in one minute. You won’t make it to class in time if you wait for coffee.”

“I’m sure my students won’t mind if I’m two minutes late, like how I don’t mind if they’re thirty minutes later,” Jake argued.

“You don’t write in your students as late?” Principal Holt asked.

“Traffic happens, people sleep through alarms, I understand. If someone comes in late, I mark them as present the whole time. I don’t want to damage their record if they’re late too many times,” Jake explained.

“This is unacceptable, Peralta.”

“I always mark my students as late, even if it’s by five seconds. If you’re not in my classroom by the time the bell rings, you’re late. I work so hard to prepare these lessons, every second counts. I will not let my students waste my time, after all the hard work I do to make sure they get a good education,” Amy proudly announced.

“Ms. Santiago knows what she’s talking about. From now on, Peralta, you need to mark on the attendance sheet which students are late,” Principal Holt ordered.

“Geez, all this lecturing just for a simple cup of coffee!” Jake complained.

Charles spoke up. “You can have my coffee, Jake!”

“Thank you, Charles,” Jake said as Charles handed him his coffee. As he rose the beverage to his mouth, his nostrils picked up the wretched aroma. “Oh, God!” Jake winced as he slammed the cup onto the table. “What did you put in that?!”

“Oh, you know, what you usually put in coffee. Milk, sugar, pickle juice, a teaspoon of honey.”

“No thanks, I’m good,” Jake said as he handed the coffee back to Charles.

Amy stood up. “I have to get my class. I didn’t finish my coffee. You can have it, Jake.”

“No, it’s fine, Rosa has a flask of vodka in her utility belt, I’ll ask her for a sip later,” Jake replied.

Principal Holt’s voice rose. “You brought alcohol onto school grounds?!”

Rosa’s eyes widened. “No, of course not! I need to go, later,” she said as she darted out of the room, with Principal Holt following her closely behind.

Jake turned back to Amy. “Well, I guess Rosa won’t be sharing her flask with me anytime soon,” he shrugged.

“Take my coffee,” Amy insisted. “I feel bad. My speech about coming in on time put you in trouble with Principal Holt.”

“You know he’s not here, you don’t have to address him as Principal Holt now,” Jake reminded.

Amy shrugged. “I know, but it just doesn’t feel right to disrespect Principal Holt, to go against the rules that he installed. He does so much to keep this school running. I just want to hold up to his standards. I can’t imagine what it would be like to run this school, to be in such a high position of power.”

Jake was about to reply with a snarky comment, “Yeah, well, keep imagining it, because it’s never gonna happen. The only time Holt would step down as Principal is if he dies, which won’t be happening in a long time, dude’s got the heart of a bull. You’d be an old cat lady by then, still trying to wipe the eggs off your house windows after your former students egg your house every Halloween.” But he didn’t say that.

He looked at Amy as she was staring off into space. Her eyes had a child-like twinkle of hope. She really wanted to play that role. And he knew she doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. A small smile rose up from the corners of his mouth. He knew he couldn’t bring her down. He decided to pull her up.

“You won’t have to imagine for long. You’ll be running this school before you know it!” he encouraged.

Amy grinned from ear to ear. “You really think so?”

“I know so. And before class starts, please go a little easier on your students. I get that you always come to class on time and you want that amount of respect to be reciprocated, but not everyone is a superhuman that sets five alarms and comes to school an hour early. You gotta be more understanding if you want your students to like you back,” Jake pleaded.

Amy pursed her lips, trying not to react to Jake calling her a superhuman. “I’ll take that thought into consideration. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna be late to class!” She paced down the hallway.

Jake smirked. He crossed his arms, leaned against the wall, and watched that brown ponytail bounce down the hallway. The bell ringing brought him out of his trance. Students flooded the hallway. Jake navigated his way to his English class through the maze of teenagers. He made it, with five seconds to spare.

I’m about to upset some people. But I’m sure you know I don’t care.

Jay Z: *meets with Governor of New York to discuss police brutality and efforts to reduce conflict* *also puts Sean Bell’s kids through school*
Black people: *crickets*
Fox News: “Former crack dealer meets with governor”

Beyoncé: *builds 7 million dollar homeless shelter in Houston* *goes to Haiti with the UN with her BeyGood foundation to support humanitarian efforts* *meets with the families of Freddie Gray, Trayvon Martin, and Walter Scott*
Black people: “Photo op! Not genuine! It’s about time she did SOMETHING! It’s not enough! They got a billion dollars they can give it all up!”

Beyoncé and Jay Z: *remains quiet*
Black people: “WHERE ARE THEY? Why won’t they speak up for us? They could be doing so much! They don’t care about helping people AT ALL! All they care about is making money! Are we even considering them as black anymore, cuz I don’t.”

Beyoncé and Jay Z: *speaks about issues*
Black people: “ugh, they just trying to boost their record sales! Tidal is flopping so NOW you wanna help? I’m so tired of them.”

These people cannot win. It sucks that after a certain level of success, your own people will tear you down and critique your every move.