Being borderline feels like you have two people inside of you. You shoved all of the trauma and abuse into one corner of yourself for so long that it metastasized and grew until it took over half of you. And now you’re constantly at war with this creature that you hate, yet that you can’t help but feel compassion for; that monster inside of you… you know it’s only a product of all of the pain you fed it.
Being borderline… feels like having two souls. One is genuine and kind and so, so loving. The other is malicious and cruel and so, so hateful. But a body doesn’t have enough room for two souls, and you can never decide which is yours.
Is anyone else an explosive borderline? (Feelings of abandonment)
A lot of bpd posts I see talk about feeling abandoned and immediately blaming themselves and feeling horrible, depressed, suicidal, etc.
When I start to feel abandoned, I’m the exact opposite. I immediately bare my teeth and become hostile toward whoever I am feeling abandoned by. I will feel awful even as I’m doing it yet be completely incapable of stopping the building rage until I’m screaming and literally saying whatever I can to make them leave (all the while inside I’m screaming at myself to stop). I’ll go into a nasty split for hours and it won’t be until after that I feel depressed, guilty, and extremely anxious and drained.
Is anyone else explosive like this with perceived abandonment? Am I alone?
You know how your parents always warn you that your internet friend “may not be who they say they are”? Well, they’re true; every friend I’ve made online is always the best, the cutest, the most good person, and they always say they’re not. Your parents always tell you how dangerous they are, and they’re right; just the sight of one of their selfies has your heart beating, your chest aching,and it hurts not being with them in real life. Your parents say they’re nothing but trouble, and they’re right; it’s always troublesome when you want to hug someone hundreds and thousands of miles away. .
Your parents were right about your online friends; just, not in the way you thought.
The thing that really gets me is that I try so hard to explain my symptoms, but people don’t listen. If I feel myself getting angry or splitting I say to people, “I’m getting really upset now but I know it’s not rational, it’s a symptom so please bear with me”, but they still get pissed off and shout at me like I’m the bad guy! Or if I tell someone, “I’m feeling really anxious about doing this thing and it makes me not want to do it” I get called weak and lazy!
Like people don’t care that I can’t always control BPD. They don’t care how hard I’m trying, or how well I’m dealing with things. They just see all my symptoms as evil.