azog the pale orc

  • bilbo: and the pale orc? what happened to him?
  • thorin: that filth died of his wounds long ago
  • azog: LOL WASSUP BITCHES
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Not my gif. Gif credit goes to the amazing creators!


Imagine: You get captured outside of the goblin caves by Azog, and Thorin’s reaction when he suddenly notices you.


The devilish grin that spread across Azog’s features as himself and his warg stalked towards the company, whom were barely hanging onto a flimsy tree, was truly monstrous. He sneered, eyes burning holes into Thorin’s as a tiny yelp came from behind a section of Orcs.

Thorin’s icy blue orbs widened, fear clouding in them as your bruised figure was thrown before the pale warg. You let out a whimper, in too much pain to fight any longer. You had no energy left to spend.

The guilt in his eyes of not taking care of you, his lover, well enough, quickly evaporated; being hastily replaced with rage as he straightened himself out. “You will pay for this.” Thorin spits, growling ferociously as he charged towards the pale orc named Azog.


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ashen morning

Dear mobile users, apologies for the loooong text post. Feel free to scroll past - no pics to load here. Though feel free to stop and read XD


Morning dawns ashen and pale. A bitterly cold wind brushes over the field where now frost begins to cover the remaining bodies. Within the shattered stones of Erebor’s grand entrance the dwarves of Thorin Oakenshield’s company have sought shelter. Here, at least, the wind does not reach them.

Dori, Nori and Gloin have procured blankets from within the mountain to provide bedding. There are too few tents, too little shelter. Dain’s dwarves have not brought much, nor did Thranduil. Dale is but a ruin, from which yet smoke rises toward the brightening sky. The little sunlight that pierces fog and smoke bears no warmth, and those that survived battle may still succumb to the cold.

Oin works hard. At least - it seems - their company is lucky. Nori sustained a bad scrape, Dwalin broke his ankle and Balin lost two fingers. Minor injuries, though Oin would rather see all of them of their feet, especially Fili and Kili. The princes are pale, casting anxious glances out toward the field from where Dwalin dragged them back - Kili with yet another arrow sticking from his thigh and Fili with a gash across his back.

From their uncle no trace has been seen. Dwalin told them he went after Azog and then Bilbo after him - the news simultaneously elating and terrifying. Elating for Thorin must have finally slain his enemy. The orc armies have dispersed, leaderless and in fear. Terrifying for what likely happened to Thorin.

And Bilbo.

Ever since their smallest member slid from their midst to rejoin Gandalf below, they’d thought him safe. Thought the wizard would watch out for him.

They should have remembered Bilbo Baggins had a mind of his own.

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like manu’s not black but for example, in the hobbi*t he’s the only main person of color on the cast (he’s maori) and they got him playin azog the pale fucking orc

Awhile ago I saw an interview where Manu was telling a story about playing Azog. He was talking to Peter Jackson about if he were allowed to build a relationship with his warg (considering that the white warg is only Azog’s) and so he pets the warg throughout the films, whispers to it, feeds him, & makes a point to establish a connection with the warg. I really enjoyed that interview, because he goes a step further than some actors where he really wants to make something believable & I think that’s awesome…anyway, I saw this picture & I found it funny, so…long back story for a picture xD

So, I was just taking screenshots and there was this frame. Azog looked freaked out for a second there. Maybe he thought it was Beorn charging?

(There’s a lot of depth to these movies if you pay attention.)

Still.

WHAT THE HECK BOLG ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE YOUR DAD A HEART ATTACK so you can take over

Later Azog takes revenge by embarrassing Bolg in front of an army. orz THANKS DAD

One Last Time: a review of The Battle

Well, I have finally gone and seen The Battle of the Five Armies. Firstly, I want to preface this by saying it is my favourite of the Hobbit movies and if I am harsh with it, it is because I adore this universe. I live in hope that Peter is saving something special for the Extended Editions. Alright, let’s do this thing, one last time.

1. Maybe they should’ve called it The Battle of The Five Kings. Thorin. Thranduil. Azog. Bard. Smaug. I was just thinking that as I watched it. It is about how each leader inspires loyalty, what their priorities are and how they proceed to battle. Bard is all Braveheart. Thranduil is cold efficiency. Azog is so fucking organised. Thorin is a big ol’ mess. Okay, Smaug has no army but I’m sure he’s had strong words to himself before he went to waste Lake Town. “Zebra Stripes of Fire. Yes. Vertical stripes not horizontal stripes. Like on a steak. I am fire. I am death. I can do this. ”

2. Gandalf’s rescue. The first hour of this movie really appealed to my lizard brain. Watching The White Council kick ass had me doing cartwheels inside my head. And of course you make Galadriel the most badass in all of Middle Earth. Thanks for that Peter. Dare I say that this was my favourite of all the fight scenes? Yes, I will dare say it. 

3. Women in film. Laketown women are awesome. They get shit done. Tauriel was completely wasted potential though. I actually like her character but I hated what they did to her in this film. Is the message that she falls in love and suddenly loses all her badassery? What the almighty fuck? That’s a terrible message. They should’ve put in a scene with her leading the Laketown women on a charge. I would’ve cheered so hard. 

4. Armitage. I already knew this but it seems somehow a crime that I should discover such talent during a fantasy film. I keep saying that he deserves better roles because he is just so awesome to watch when he’s crazy. And that voice. Dude, I would follow you into Mordor if you shouted some commands at me. Mithril or not. 

5. Battle Formation. I love all war movies, particularly those that explore the art of war. For a moment I actually thought Azog was the smartest pale Orc in the history of Middle Earth. He has a signalling system and Battleship strategy and everything! Yes, this film made me respect him for a split second. Anyways, betrayal aside, I particularly enjoyed that dwarf shield-wall and Dain’s piggyhorse. It reminded me of the romans…the shield-wall, not the piggyhorse.

6. Bilbo Freeman. He did a really great job in this film. I found him so unlikeable in the first two but he was quite the adorable little ass-kicker in this. I understand why they put in that scene with him sitting on the steps with Gandalf but at the same time, No No No. He just had his friends die. The tone felt all misplaced. That’s not Martin’s fault, nor is it Sir Ian’s fault. I want to blame someone else. Maybe a Weinstein. 

7. Dying is hard. This is my biggest biggest disappointment. Each and every death felt so shallow and unsatisfying. I don’t need slow motion Tauriel crying. I don’t need to see Alfrid hoarding gold. I don’t need Legolas running up Tetris. Okay, I do need that last one for shit and giggles but my point is, they should have diverted that time into the death scenes. This world has such an emotional core that they failed to hit as hard as they did with the LOTR. Fili and Kili deserved better. I wanted them to die as brothers defending Thorin, not segregated by their own stories. We invest ourselves in The Company for two movies and all they did was give us a shot of the dwarves kneeling around Thorin on the ice. What a fucking cop out. There’s no real resolution to anything. AND WHERE IS MY GODDAMN BURIAL SCENE. *fumes silently and recalls how george lucas ruined everything with the prequels*

8. Oh Lee Pace. I need to end on a positive note. This Specimen. He has such a commanding presence that translates on screen and into the cinema. I remember Peter King saying that people were quite frightened of him when he walked on set and I can believe it. He was and is as majestic and amazing as I knew he would be. I really need that badass drawing of him in the end credits. I need it to plaster all over my phone and my life. You know, I could be angry and disappointed about how short his total screen time was or how inconsistent his emotions were but at least we got scenes of badassery and badsassery. That’s all I wanted and that’s what I got. Beggars can’t be choosers. Wow, I really must be maturing.

*

And so it ends. I won’t be sad about it until next year, when it will hit me that no Tolkien movie will be released on Boxing Day. That tradition dies with this film. Ah well, it’s a sign that we should be grateful for what we got and it’s time to move on. I’m quite glad this was my first movie of 2015. The finality of it somehow makes a fitting start to the new year. I don’t know why. Anyway, tea is at four if you want to drop by for a chat or a hug.

The Banker’s Dilemma // Sherlock AU// Modern AU

ofshadowsandash

Thorin had been having the dreams again. The same one he had been having for several months now. He was a dwarf King of Erebor, Thorin Oakenshield. The King Under the Mountain. He had the members of his company with him on a quest to take back their home from the dragon Smaug. Bilbo was there with him, his beloved hobbit. His special One, whom he had shared the bond with, and had courted him during the quest. But, there was a great battle, and he had died by the hands of the Pale Orc, Azog. Each night of that dream, he had woken up just as he and Bilbo had professed their love for another, but it was too late. Always too late. He would never be with Bilbo again, for he had died.

He sat up in his bed, and tried to calm himself, but then he heard the sound of someone banging on his front door, in his expensive home in St. John’s Wood section of London. He was thankful to have met up in this new world by his precious Bilbo, or as Dr. John Watson, as he was known by that name now. He was happy to have reconnected with him again. They had a dinner date that night, and would get reacquainted once again.

In this world, this Earth he had been brought to, Thorin was a CEO of Lloyd’s Bank. He held had all the riches of some very rich and famous people. He sighed and slid from his bed, throwing on his robe. He made his way downstairs to his foyer and was greeted by an Inspector Lestrade and his officers, from Scotland Yard. 

The man told him how the bank had been robbed in the middle of the night, and three million pounds worth of gold bullion, and silver bullion had been stolen. Along with another 2 million pounds worth of diamonds, sapphires, emerald’s and rubies from the vaults. Whomever had done so had executed the most clever form of entry into the bank. They had cut a hole in the floor below the vaults, and had somehow managed not to trip off the alarms.

Thorin was livid, and confused, as this Inspector could not even tell him how this person had done it. But, he mentioned the name Moriarty. Also, how Thorin should consult the famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, and perhaps he could help him with his dilemma. He was told by Lestrade how he would send a message to the detective to expect Thorin there on the morrow to discuss the points of his case.

He glared at the man, and shook his head, then shoved them all out of his home. He did not sleep for the rest of that night, as he paced around his home. He was not sure if this consulting detective could help him, but he would be sure to make certain he knew how important it was for this case to be solved quickly.

So, when the sun finally rose up in the sky, he had showered, and dressed himself in his finest suit. Then he waited for his car to meet him at the gates of his home. He sat in the back of the car, wringing his hands, for he had received many messages from the clients of the bank, when the newspapers had written of the robbery the night before. His name was spread across the front of the paper, along with that of the master villain, James Moriarty.

When the car finally pulled up in front of 221B Baker Street, he was even more nervous about the events, and even more so about facing the infamous detective. He was known to be a sociopath, and very hard to deal with. But, he was not going to show him how nervous he was, as he calmed himself, and walked up to the door. He used the knocker and banged it three times, before a Mrs. Hudson answered it. He smiled at her, as he handed her his business card, and followed behind her when she ushered him up the stairs, where he would wait to meet up with the very infamous Sherlock Holmes.

“I apologise, Mr. Durin, Sherlock will be right with you. Would you like a cup of tea, or coffee?” Mrs. Hudson asked, as she smiled up at the handsome man.

“No, thank you, my dear Lady. I am fine now,” Thorin answered, as he smiled at her, and then sat down on the chair by the hearth. He had the London Times in his lap, as he wrung his hands in his lap, and tried to relax as best he could.

Because I am trash and phil-the-stone​ and I decided weneeded yet another inane crossover, I present to you;

THE HOBBIT/PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN AU YOU NEVER ASKED FOR

Except it’s less ‘Pirates of the Caribbean AU’ and more‘what if the Quest took place on the high seas instead and everyone dressed in dashing period clothing, also Smaug is a sea serpent and that is definitely an amazing concept, fight me’.

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