axniety

I hate having the constant feel of anxiety roaming just barely underneath my skin. Its like being on a constant adrenaline high. Except it not fulfilling or satisfying at all. Its like ice cold death seeping out of my veins and burning, flaming acid drenched on my skin, while the gravitational pull of the earth settles itself on my heart. It takes every ounce of unknown willpower to not to scratch out my heart and give it as peace offering to some deity to make it stop. To push air forcefully back into my lungs and keep it there. Because I'm exhausted from fighting off breathing like its a plague. I just want to breathe, I just want to inhale.

Sorry guys
Anxiety sucks
Had an panic attack and i was alone
Needed to get this off my chest

Oh MY God

So i start school exactly a week from today and i havent been able to sleep ALL night because im getting chest pains my anxiety is so bad about going back. 

All of my friends left me because i guess their parents hate me, and because i have with drawn allot because of my depression so im basically going back to no one. 

Did i mention, this is my third year in the ninth grade because im so afraid of school i dont go? Ughh. Im so scared im not going to pass again this year. 

Maybe I have hyperthyroidism like fo real this time o.o

My anxiety was pretty bad, muscle tremors and I was losing “alot” of weight (I didn’t see the problem) but apparently losing a few pounds in a couple of weeks wasn’t normal. Did blood tests and the hormone levels were high. Got on pills for quite a while, did another blood test and it was fine. 

But now I think it has returned with full force. Heck! I even have a slightly swollen neck this time ._. Anywho! I need to get the blood tests done. The emotions and anxiety will probably kill me before anything else does..

Like what the fuck! Is with my hair today!
>.> it is irritating.
Today has to be one of the most windys days this year!!
I have a 4 hour shift to gwt though.
I hope work has turkey bread!
I am craving serious dukka and bread man.
Almost missed the bus -.-
Ah it seems todays shift will be a long one indeed.
On the flip side…
Staying at the boys tonight.
Movies and snacks!!
Friday nights in always the best.

theres a rave tonight and its just the same fucking shit i really hate having anxiety like i wanna go but im feeling extra anxious and im not gonna go and be a fuck face i wanna have fun be social and what not sighs….

2

The life of two daughters. 

One who is three almost four and the other who is a month. 
Balancing NICU visits along with raising my oldest has been a hassle I find myself struggling with the duties of pumping, going up and staying at the nicu, as well has feeding the demands of my toddler. It’s a blessing to have my family together but a curse of responsibilties of having two kids that are living in two diffrent homes. As well as being far away from our support system where there is family who would offer a hand in helping with my toddlers demands but cannot due to me being so far away from home. I love having my little girl by my side but find myself feeling run down due to the duties I must complete in order to have my family happy and healthy. I find myself getting more and more excited to return home with Evelyn but find myself anxious to return home due to the new responsibilities I will face of keeping a preemie away from the harms of the world as well as the anxieties I face with the increased risk of SIDS, special needs, and demands both my preemie and my toddler have.