July 20, 2009
  1. The word “tsunami” is not in my phone’s T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says “Trumang!”, get the fuck off the beach.
    @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114
  2. Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn’t damage all that credibility she built up as the center square.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107
  3. Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97
  4. First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say “club”.

    This means you, Jeremy.

    Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses.

    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83
  5. I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn’t have a sexual history.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76
  6. “I just bought a pedometer.”

    “Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?”
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73
  7. Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70
  8. Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite.


    Stage One is complete.

    Initiate Stage Two.

    Release the Moose Commandos.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
  9. I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
  10. I can’t dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card.
    These Whitestrips must be working.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65
  11. 1) Wake up
    2) Brush teeth
    3) Feed fish
    4) Take meds
    5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4.

    @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61
  12. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.
    @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61
  13. Gnats are super attracted to me today. I’m a magnat.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59
  14. My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  15. Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?
    A: The pitbull doesn’t blame the media for all its problems.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56
  16. My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53
  17. Reading comic books in bed by flashlight.

    Still pretty awesome.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  18. Wife: “I’m pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me.”
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  19. FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51
  20. Today at the Zoo I saw a Lion & a Giraffe & a Rhino & a Zebra & an Elephant & at least 5 Cougars that my Wife wouldn’t let me pet.
    @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 49
June 14, 2009
  1. Finally, people on the internet are talking about me. Let’s see my mother-in-law look disappointed now.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 187
  2. Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone, but all this attention is making me uncomfortable. Please favorite and retweet this.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 91
  3. It’s 9:00 and I’m going to bed with my wife AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

    I have to watch the small tv.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80
  4. Profoundly funny tweet #2164534225 (?)
    @awryone (Unavailable) – 63
  5. I’m writing on my iPhone. I just got a latté at the farmers’ market.

    When the revolution comes, they can use this tweet at my show trial.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55
  6. I’ll be off the grid and unable to tweet because I’ll be at a 3 day retreat for a seminar called “staying connected through social media”.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54
  7. How to make an omelet.
    1) Get an egg.
    2) Draw a smileyface on the egg.
    3) Name it Eggy.
    4) Eggy and I are getting engaged!!
    @myracles (myr) – 52
  8. Profoundly funny tweet #2159397801 (?)
    @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49
  9. We made it back to town without a major incident. We lost one child to Gypsies but luckily it was the one that nobody liked.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 43
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #2168106558 (?)
    @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 42
  11. Profoundly funny tweet #2169979132 (?)
    @zolora (Unavailable) – 41
  12. The ironic slow clap does not work at a baseball game.
    @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 41
  13. Celebrating the last night in my thirties the traditional way. By wishing I wasn’t.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38
  14. Profoundly funny tweet #2164479611 (?)
    @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 34
  15. I’ll be back in a couple of days. If my mom calls, tell her I’m… Oh, who am I kidding? We both know she’d be calling for you.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 34
  16. Yesss! I found a beer from last weekend! Shit’s about to get crazy! I bet I’ll wake up tomorrow and not remember which chapter I read up to!
    @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 34
  17. I scheduled my photo blog to auto-post a satellite view of Manhattan just as my plane landed at LaGuardia. It’s amazing I’m not a virgin.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 34
  18. I just ate a McGriddle and drank a large McCafe iced coffee, so I should be enjoying my first McAneurysm before lunch.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 34
  19. I’m preparing for Father’s Day by getting fat on the couch, growing ear hair and can you look at this weird mole on my back?
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 33
  20. I don’t know why he was googling “cross dressing gnomes” but if I’m asked to wear a pointy red hat to bed tonight, I’m outta here.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 33
July 18, 2009
  1. “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

    - loser
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72
  2. I won’t trust the news about Walter Cronkite’s death until I hear it from Walter Cronkite.
    @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 60
  3. Friend asks Jim how he stays faithful when faced with temptation. “Oh, Stephanie has turned me off to the idea of women altogether.”
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58
  4. My baby is truly advanced. Three months old and she just wrote her name. With poo. On my beard. At the grocery store.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 57
  5. Me and my brother-in-law are going to get vasectomies together like totally super hetero dudes tend to do.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53
  6. Once your dad walks in on you masturbating on his bed, it’s probably too late to wake up your mom and ask her for some privacy.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52
  7. Who’s got three thumbs and isn’t saying anything more until he gets a lawyer?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52
  8. Like most men, I am curious how often women think about sex. I asked them and apparently it’s not very often, at least not at this church.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 51
  9. I have to watch eight youth soccer games this weekend. This will severely test my ability to fake enthusiasm.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
  10. What’s the cheat code on this ATM?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49
  11. BREAKING: Amazon deleted Walter Cronkite.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48
  12. Studies show that the people who believe the moon landing was fake are the same people who believe professional wrestling is real.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 47
  13. Those high school cheerleader car washes teach valuable lessons for young women, like community outreach, fundraising and working a corner.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47
  14. I wanted to give her Spanish Fly, but mistakenly gave her Canadian Fly. She didn’t get horny, just overwhelmingly polite.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46
  15. I woke up disgusted at the state of this apartment. Just as I decide to give my roommate a piece of my mind, I remember I live alone.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43
  16. Oddly, the oleophobic coating on my iPhone interacts chemically with my finger to produce a delightful hollandaise.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 43
  17. There’s no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “penis”. And if you play your cards right, there could be a “penis” in “U”. Ladies.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 42
  18. Ebay still requires your nude reflection to be visible in photos of the item you’re selling, right? Cool. Uploading.
    @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42
  19. I always wanted to go to Comic Con but I can fuck stuffed animals at home for free.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42
  20. I’m across the river, in Virginia. Though it’s the old Confederacy, talking like Foghorn Leghorn isn’t helping me blend in with the locals.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41
June 21, 2009
  1. Me: I have loads of street cred. Wife: The information superhighway is not a real street, jackass.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 78
  2. These Father’s Day cards are cute, but I specifically asked for the hands of my leafblowing neighbor.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73
  3. Purging little-used numbers from my phone was a great idea until Father’s Day rolled around.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 71
  4. If your wife gives you a nose hair trimmer for Father’s Day, what she’s really trying to say is that she wants to sleep with other men.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 64
  5. “Daddy, what are you going to eat for breakfast when you’re in Las Vegas?”

    “Probably Excedrin.”
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 59
  6. Pancakes, flowers, handmade cards. I think these people want me to pay attention to them or something.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57
  7. Whatever happened to that band Smash Mouth? I miss that song, “Hey Now, You’re Watching a Crappy Movie” or whatever it was called.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57
  8. Supreme Leader looks like a pretty rad job right up to the point where everyone wants to kill you.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
  9. My Dad’s favorite dumbass thing I — his firstborn — ever said to him:

    “A pox on your firstborn!”

    I miss you, Dad.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  10. This dented can of alphabet soup spells trouble.
    @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 51
  11. For those curious about the three seashells, it works like this: you wipe your ass with seashells instead of paper. The future is stupid.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 47
  12. Profoundly funny tweet #2259686423 (?)
    @smilinbjones (Unavailable) – 44
  13. What’s the protocol for buying presents for men who like it when you call them daddy?
    @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43
  14. My neighbor is morbidly obese. I don’t know him well; he keeps largely to himself.
    @BlueLanugo (John Silver) – 41
  15. “The lesbian next door had surgery. She had an addadictomy.”

    Ladies and gentleman, my father.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 41
  16. Father’s Day is always kind of difficult for me as I was immaculately conceived.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 40
  17. “Hey, don’t roll around on furniture while eating a cheeseburger.”

    The look on his face said that he was previously unaware of this policy.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 40
  18. You laugh when a bazillion orangutans pour out of a clown car, but the last one out of the car doesn’t think it’s funny at all.

    Trust me.
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 39
  19. I’ve been told the amount of food I can eat is emasculating. Whatevs, that dude was a pussy.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 38
  20. I am rubber and you are glue so whatever you say I’m still a polymer and you’re just a race horse whose leg broke.
    @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 37