awestinian

(more) shit austin says on his 21st birthday

“I just farted again I’m sorry” 

“Chris already opened it I love him”

“Chris reply to it please I wanna hear from you”

“Chris just please acknowledge me you’re the best I love you I need your acknowledgment”

“Shit I deleted that I hate myself”

“Call me old fashioned but sending a dick pic is lazy. True love means sending a bouquet of dicks”

“What the fuck tumblr. Actually ryan reynolds posted that. What the fuck Ryan Reynolds.”

“You havin fun makin another text post about me you piece of shit I hate you but I love you cuz you’re the best”

“Hey sebastian my birthday was also an important day in back to the future”

“I just scrolled really far down on tumblr cuz I rested my forehead on the spacebar”

*we get it you vape noises*

“oh i fucked up dammit”

“whateveridun care I sranked the song das good enuff for me”

“youre not fuckin jokin”

“Don’t tell me my phone’s batter is about to die you piece of shit”

“Nope already fucked up”

“this is a lot harder this time”

“things are a lot harder when you’re drunk”

“i don’t know the specifics but it was super fuckin broken”

“charge you sunuvabitch charge… charge”

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeelch* “excuse me I’m sorry”

“nigga you boutta shit all over me”

*horse noises*

“OH FUCK WHAT”

“the game card is still in there don’t be that way”

“did I either break my copy of smash or my ds right now”

“i got another package of fruit snacks”

“the fuck is this? this a fuckin corn cob i don’t even know”

“this a fuckin lizard? a fuckin chameleon i dunno”

“oh shit the fuckin thing I thought was a corncob was a fuckin grasshoper just had to look at it sideways”

“why the fuck this grasshopper look like a corncob”

“why are these a bunch of bugs”

So my dad wrote me from jail.

Fuck you and all of your shit. Quit lying to me. I heard this same shit 5 years ago last time you were in there.

You don’t care about anyone but yourself. Leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want you in my life anymore.

I grew up fine without you. You should be proud because you taught me exactly what kind of man, what kind of father, what kind of lover I shouldn’t be.

I will be better than you, believe me that. I’m not letting the fact that I share your name and face tarnish my life. 

I’m done with you.

shit austin says on his 21st birthday

“Those chili cheese fries? They were fuckin AWESOME”

“What is this fruit snack, is it a cobra? Where’s my phone so I can send a snapchat” 

“Sebastian, is this a snake?”

“Is that a human heart? I think it’s a heart.”

“I don’t think hotel transylvania involves vaginal discharge”

“I don’t think hotel transylvania 2 is out yet”

“I don’t want full screen chrome stop that I just want to type in hotel transylvania 2″

“Nigga I don’t know, I just know that I got a bunch of kid cuisines for free”

“I farted really loud I’m sorry”

“who the fuck is keegan michel key”

“Oh that’s key? oh shit that is the dude from key and peele”

“dammit you’re a stupid piece of shit I already opened tumblr”

*some incessant rambling about how he didn’t get carded but his coworker did*

*snapchatting* 

*more incessant rambling about the drinks he had* 

Things Austin says when he’s tired

“ANOTHER FIREBALL GUY?!”
“NOT THE FIREMON- MON… MONGLERDOUCHE”
“NOT ANOTHER FLOATYGOOP”
“where do i go now what was the point of that boss fight i’m very confused”
“NOT 2 FLOATY MCDOUCHERTONS AND A FIREMONGLERER”
*wanders around for five minutes lost*
“flutter JUMP!”
“woah goobers”