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Soul-searching

Paint it Black was written by Brad Bucker & EugenieRoss-Leming, so I wasn’t really expecting a good episode. I didn’t hate it, but definitely the most remarkable thing was Dean’s confession.

(Thanks to cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you for being fast and awesome to post the audio here).

Dean starts his confession playing it cool and saying stuff like “it’s the women, Father.” He says he lets them think that they have more of a future than they do, and he even gives a name: Gina. Dean presents himself as a womanizer who sees two or maybe three girls at the same time, even on the same day. Dean says that it was something endless that is “making [him] sick.” The Father tells him to reflect on his transgression. He even hopes that Dean might have the beginning of some “serious soul-searching” when doing this exploration. In other words, he wants Dean to try to understand the reasons for his own behavior.

After talking about this (that may or may not have been how he really feels), Dean starts to talk about the real issues weighing on him. His biggest confession is that he doesn’t want to die, that he isn’t ready. He’s been expecting that to happen sooner or later, but now that he realizes his death might be closer than what he thought, he thinks that:

“There’s things, there’s… people… feelings that I… I wanna experience differently than I have before. Or maybe even for the first time.” 

Do you know what’s more important? Even the Father realized that the kind of feelings Dean was talking about are romantic because he suggested Gina as the person Dean could experience something different with. And what’s Dean’s answer when the Father says that? “Yeah. I’m just starting to think that… there’s more to it all than I thought.”

Of course the first name that came to my mind when Dean said that was Castiel. No doubt about it! But I know the last time Dean mentioned people (who love him, by the way), he was talking about Sam and Cas.

How can Dean experience feelings in a different way toward Sam? Easy! He could start to see Sam as his brother and not as his responsibility. He’s never done that. Since he was 4, taking care of Sammy, being Sammy’s father figure has been who Dean is. Maybe it’s time he does things differently.

How can Dean experience feelings in a different way toward Cas? Well, I seriously can’t think of any platonic, no-homo thing to say, so I’ll spit it out. Maybe the “serious soul-searching” he needs, the one the show’s been hinting at (with cake and Taylor Swift) includes Dean realizing that… yeah… maybe it’s time to let himself love and be loved for the first time. Maybe “there’s more to it all than [he] thought.” Maybe it’s time he finds his own Colette. 

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