avio's life and random bits and ramblings

i find myself sobbing all of the sudden whoops.

and it’s for a few reasons.

i just finished watching the new episode of Glee.

Kurt and Rachel had to face the reality that there are people better than them and more talented.

i started to cry.

and then Kurt gave Rachel an inspirational speech about how nobody wants it more than her, so she’s going to get it.

i cried even harder.

i have so many mixed feelings right now.

every since i can remember, there is nothing that i’ve wanted more than to sing. it is my dream, my reality, my existence, my fucking purpose.

and i know there are people far better than me. and it scares me. it terrifies me.

i’m usually really confident, and that’s not a front or anything. i am. i know that i’ll get better.

but despite this, i still have that fear. the fear that i wont make it. that i wont be good enough. that i wont fly over the moon.

i have these insecurities. i have no musical talent aside from my voice, which is still so far from being the best it could be. i can’t play anything, i can barely read music, i’m just a useless vocalist.

there are so many people far more talented than i, and they do these things. they’re far more useful then i. surely, the spotlight is more suited for them?

i’m scared. i’m getting older. slowly but surely. i’m getting older [i know i’m still young and i have my life ahead of me, but i feel like time is ticking for me to be able to be in school.], and i’m at a point where i’m not quite sure what’s going on with my life. i mean, i’m working, but for some reason i’m stuck here. i know it’s my fault and i just need to try harder to learn how to drive and get to school.

but ultimately, i feel as if i’ve been living my entire life for the sole purpose of going through what’s expected of me only to defy it and go into the arts.

there is nothing that i’ve ever wanted more. nothing.

and i know not everyone makes it. there are a lot of talented people out there and they’re stuck and they aren’t going to make it.

i don’t want to be one of them.

i don’t know what i’ll do with myself if i can’t make my dreams real.

this is not to suggest that i’m giving up. on the contrary, i want to work harder.

i’m terrified i wont make it, but i’ll never know if i don’t try.

and Kurt’s speech to Rachel touched and inspired me so much.

i guess the whole reason for crying is that fear that i wont succeed. that fear that i’ll never perform on stage again.

i need this so bad.

i need this to live, so i’m going to keep striving towards it.

so i’m going to keep trying.

once i get my life in order, or even a little before, i’m going to do my best to get singing lessons like i’ve been dying for my entire life. once i budget my money and start saving, i’m sure i can pull it off.

even if it’s after i get through college.

i can’t give up. i wont give up.

i need this.

so i’m going to work for it.

i’m sorry if anyone actually read this and found it redundant.

i think i just needed to re-establish my own confidence, which i’ve done.

it’ll probably never stop that fear.

but i’m above that.

someday, i’m going to fly over the moon.

okay so

i may be gone for a tiny bit.

i’m writing a letter to my idiot father [who, by the way, is currently on the run from the law. GOOD JOB, DAD. JUST. GOOD. FUCKING. JOB.] explaining to him the complete hell he put me through.

he claims to have forgotten it and i refuse to let that motherfucking bullshit slide.

i’m feeling really shaky but i feel like i can’t fucking forgive him or get rid of this fucking hate until he knows what he’s done, what he put me through. i hope this is a step closer to things getting better.

….after he. y'know. gets arrested and tossed into prison for who-knows-how-long.

i mean seriously i think he was going to have like a few-year sentence if he just fucking turned himself in on the day he said he was but NOPE. HAD TO TRY TO FUCKING RUN DIDN’T YOU. THEY’RE GOING TO FIND YOU, YOU IDIOT, AND YOU’LL HAVE TO GET AN EXCITING EXTENDED SENTENCE. GOOD. FUCKING. JOB.

anyways i’m probably also going to get really emotional sooo. yeah.

wish me luck, guys!