avenue q

things some of my favourite musicals have taught me

-how to make an omelette
-a basic understanding of the history of america
-a basic understanding of the history of america from a mormon’s perspective
-in order to be successful, you don’t need to have brains or knowledge, just popular
-Spanish
-how to kill someone and make it look like a suicide
-how many minutes there are in a year
-how to tell if someone is gay or European
-it’s really easy to fake emails
-don’t sell drugs kids, even if you have the hots for the person you’re selling them to
-always be aware of autocorrect
-how to break in a glove
-nice is different than good
-everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes
-it’s too late to screw at 4am
-revolutions likely end in death
-almost all bankers, bums and barbers know how to read
-‘pop’ is a suitable synonym for the verb ‘chew’
-how many people resided in newfoundland before 9/11
-how many people were redirected to newfoundland after 9/11

(might add more as time goes on)

How to tell who wrote the musical you’re listening to

*moody guitar riff*: Jonathan Larson

colloquial angst: Joe Iconis

the most vulgar baroque opera you’ve ever heard: William Finn

unhummable: Sondheim

hella hummable: Rodgers and Hammerstein

*soaring melody* *same soaring melody repeated 100 times but you cry anyway*: Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg

where have I heard this before?: Andrew Lloyd Webber

everyone is singing their own thing and you can’t possibly sing along anymore: Lin-Manuel Miranda

*key change*: Pasek and Paul

what the actual fuck: Robert Lopez

How to get a girlfriend, according to musicals:

• Dear Evan Hansen: lie about being friends with her dead brother

• Be More Chill: swallow a supercomputer that controls your thoughts and behaviour

• Phantom of the Opera: teach her to sing and stalk her incessantly

• Avenue Q: accuse her of being racist, make her a mixtape and get her drunk on Long Island Iced Tea

• Heathers: criticise her for choosing popularity over friendship and beat the shit out of some random jocks

• Book of Mormon: baptise her

Musical Bootlegs on Youtube

Amelie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bVE84vORIw&t=1605s

Avenue Q: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB8N0MdaALQ

Be More Chill: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1SLhumuLgA\

Dear Even Hanson (Act 1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zd4LYRszEYM&list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp&index=23

Dear Even Hanson (Act 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsYj0Ac427M&index=24&list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp

Heathers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SAiWw7zkFw

Hamilton (Act 1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0DwU6MqTYA&list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp&index=17

Hamilton (Act 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zbBcsJGuIg&list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp&index=18

In the Heights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bIjQTWgdLA&list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp&index=9

Legally Blonde: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m94kyVxXUj8&t=3s

Les Mis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rn4mivpZX74

Les Mis (Modernized Act 1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vjuFmIxTRY&list=PLWcYXzNfH-cHj8YebgbOvCLP41jcQ4TOq&index=15

Les Mis (Modernized Act 2):  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3h38rTTjfg&list=PLWcYXzNfH-cHj8YebgbOvCLP41jcQ4TOq&index=16

Playlist featuring Spring Awakening (sign language), Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812, and more: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLxSCCw9R-urxC2gHfC8oTZiP6IUTXMQRT

Playlist 2: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0qgmc3Dm8E5cfXH488jFeBXNaLmBQPJp&disable_polymer=true

Something Rotten: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enjvFoeP-IM&t=3113s

Spring Awakening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS8CGN_15QI

Waitress (Act 1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avySJk3Zs48

Waitress (Act 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewLC5BKyvI8&t=350s

Renamed Musicals
  • • Les Miserables: Breadsticks Meme Gone Wrong ft. The Only Cop in France.
  • • Miss Saigon: Americans Fuck Shit Up, the musical!
  • • Legally Blonde: This is Harvard, not a Stripper Bar.
  • • Wicked: Misunderstood Green Girl and Sparkly Witch Hide Lesbian Feelings
  • • Little Women: That Story Where All the Girls Fall in Love
  • • Book of Mormon: Spooky Mormon Hell and Crude Gay Humor Clash w/ Sparkly Tuxedoes.
  • • Shrek: Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover; Another Show About Diversity.
  • • The Last Five Years: How Not to Adult: A Manual
  • • Joseph and the blah, blah, blah: Fifty Shades of Bible Humor
  • • Suessical: Always Trust that Weird Voice you Hear PS Elephants Can’t Fly
  • • Songs for a New World: I’m Sure There’s a Story Here Somewhere…
  • • Thirteen: Puberty Sucks Plus Jewish Jokes and Weird Sexual Tension
  • • Matilda: We’ll Fight Like Twenty Armies and We Won’t Give up ft. Miss Honey’s Self Esteem Issues.
  • • Spring Awakening: Why Sex Ed Matters, the musical!
  • • Next to Normal: The Story of a Sexy Ghost
  • • Avenue Q: Horney Puppets Use the Internet for Porn and Then Build a School For Monsters.
  • • Children of Eden: Bible fanfiction.
  • • The Drowsy Chaperone: Hallucinations of a Man in a Chair
  • • Violet: Sutton Foster and a Sob Story ft. Indecipherable Accents
  • • Anything Goes: Into the Woods, Except on a Ship
  • • How to Succeed: A Dummies Guide to Making an Ass Out of
  • Yourself
  • • Once on this Island: Why Gods Should Not Interfere With Humans
  • • Into the Woods: Fairytale AU on Crack
  • • Fun Home; Gay Tears, the musical!
  • • In the Heights: Everybody has Issues in the Barrio.
  • • Chess: East West Relations Under Different Masks and Various Plots
  • • RENT: Diversity, Death, and Drugs.
  • • Annie: My Life Sucks: By Me.
  • • Sweeny Todd: Revenge Means Killing Everybody
  • • Young Frankenstein: It Runs in the Family.
Most beautiful and inspirational final lines in musicals
  • Heathers: "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful BEAUTIFUUUUULLL!"
  • Sister Act: "Spread the love around!"
  • Lion King: "Circle of lifeee!!"
  • Hamilton: "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"
  • Les Misérables: "tomorrow comes!"
  • Rent: "No day but today"
  • Avenue Q: "Everything in life is only for now"
  • The Book of Mormon: "I STILL HAVE MAGGOTS IN MY SCROOOTUUUUUUUUM!!!"
Songs to make your Non-Broadway Friends Listen to with no context at all
  • My Unfortunate Erection: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  • Sugar Daddy: Hedwig and the Anrgy Inch
  • Hasa Diga Eebowai: The Book of Mormon
  • Blue: Heathers
  • Totally Fucked: Spring Awakening
  • Black Death: Something Rotten!
  • Friki-friki: Honeymoon in Vegas
  • Spooky Mormon Hell Dream: The Book of Mormon
  • You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want: Avenue Q
  • Telly: Matilda
  • Over The Moon: RENT
  • The Ballad of Farquaad: Shrek
  • Magic Foot: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  • The Word of Your Body reprise: Spring Awakening
  • Die Vampire, Die!: [title of show]
  • Something Rotten/Make an Omelette: Something Rotten!
  • Joseph Smith American Moses: The Book of Mormon
  • Hello Little Girl: Into the Woods
  • Angry Inch: Hedwig and the Angry Inch
  • It's Eggs: Something Rotten!
  • The Internet is for Porn: Avenue Q

Hello I’ve slept on it for 2 nights now and I’m still mad at the fact Pasek and Paul consider they pitched “the weirdest idea for a musical” as if hip-hop founding fathers, electropop opera 70-page extract from War and Peace, wizard of oz fanfiction, nsfw puppets, mormons in uganda, singing cats and u.s. marines play who’s got the ugliest date before going to Vietnam (aka their very own show Dogfight) were never pitched. the disrespect of it all honestly.

Bad Musical Synopses


Phantom of the Opera: A speculative fiction about what would happen if Benedict Cumberbatch were a woman and his fans had access to a basement.

Hamilton: The best friend of an ambitious political dissident warns him repeatedly that his actions will end in tragedy. When that doesn’t actually happen, the best friend takes it upon himself to teach a valuable life lesson.

Jesus Christ Superstar: The best friend of an ambitious political dissident warns him repeatedly that his actions will end in tragedy. When that doesn’t actually happen, the best friend takes it upon himself to teach a valuable life lesson.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Tim Gunn was sick today on Project Runway. Let’s see what happens!

Miss Saigon: White savior done fucked up. No one is surprised.

The Scarlet Pimpernel: Proto-superhero pretends to be gay. Wife is understandably miffed when she discovers she won’t be getting the D. Hilarity ensues.

The Lion King:  A Shakespearean look at a pride of liMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSAAAAAWENYAAAAAAMAAKALAKIIIIIIIIIIIISSHUENOOONOOOOOOO

Chicago: He really did have it coming.

Cabaret: A Conservative Republican’s worst nightmare is set to music.

Cats: Furries provide a fun-filled look into an average night out.

Rent: All these people are going to die the minute you leave the theater.

Avenue Q: Today on Sesame Street, we learn an important lesson about the purpose of the internet. The word of the day is ANAL. 

Les Miserables: A man steals a loaf of bread and is chased across France by the most dedicated police officer on the force. Consequently, everyone dies.

My Fair Lady: A valuable life lesson is taught: if you want to make it in life, all you need to do is sacrifice everything, suffer torment from an obsessive linguistics major, and fake an upper-class English accent. Unless you’re a man, and then you just need to explain that you really need money for alcohol. In that case, someone will promptly die and will you their fortune.

How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying: A young man attempts to push the boundaries of white male privilege. He soon finds there are none.

Sweeney Todd: A barber and his girlfriend take Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” a little too far.

Things Each Musical Reminds Me Of

*based on the period of my life when I listened to the musical the most, not the actual content of the musical; though it’s kind of funny how each musical relates to what it reminds me of

Wicked: unexpectedly starting a conversation with an old friend and realizing you miss them

The Phantom of the Opera: the kind of love you don’t expect anything from

RENT: rebelling against your parents for the first time

The Sound of Music: finding family in friends you never expected to meet

Newsies: adventures and memories that come from the people you were with not the places you went

Les Miserables: disappointment you won’t remember in a month but you needed to experience

Next to Normal: self-growth when you least expect it

The Last Five Years: losing what you were looking for but finding something better

If/Then: independence is not loneliness

Love Never Dies: sharing something you love with your friends because you want them to know how important they are to you

Avenue Q: going on a road trip with your best friend and singing until your throat is raw

Spring Awakening: continuously learning and falling in love with something you already know so well

The Book of Mormon: second-hand happiness because the person who means so much to you is where they want to be

Daddy Long Legs: accidental all-nighters reading horoscopes with your friends

Fun Home: allowing yourself time for growth; accepting not everything has to come at once

Hamilton: meeting someone once and knowing from then on you won’t go a day in your life without them

Heathers: the worst new beginnings that somehow still lead to the best new things

In the Heights: forgetting why you started doing something and beginning to do it for yourself

Dear Evan Hansen: the trust someone hands you when they introduce you to their favorite band

Waitress: a person you associate with your entire life but you’ve only known a short while

Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812: forgiveness you don’t deserve and the hope that comes from your lowest moments

Falsettos: long distance friendships with origin stories no one will believe

Theatre is a place where you pretend to be another person, yet it’s the only place many of us can be ourselves