things some of my favourite musicals have taught me

-how to make an omelette
-a basic understanding of the history of america
-a basic understanding of the history of america from a mormon’s perspective
-in order to be successful, you don’t need to have brains or knowledge, just popular
-Spanish
-how to kill someone and make it look like a suicide
-how many minutes there are in a year
-how to tell if someone is gay or European
-it’s really easy to fake emails
-don’t sell drugs kids, even if you have the hots for the person you’re selling them to
-always be aware of autocorrect
-how to break in a glove
-nice is different than good
-everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes
-it’s too late to screw at 4am
-revolutions likely end in death
-almost all bankers, bums and barbers know how to read
-‘pop’ is a suitable synonym for the verb ‘chew’
-how many people resided in newfoundland before 9/11
-how many people were redirected to newfoundland after 9/11

(might add more as time goes on)

Sorting Musicals into Hogwarts Houses
  • Gryffindor: Bare: A Pop Opera,
  • RENT, Book of Mormon, Les Miserables, Groundhog Day,
  • Waitress
  • Hufflepuff: Dear Evan Hansen, Come From Away, In the Heights, School of Rock, Fun Home, Wicked
  • Slytherin: Falsettos, Avenue Q, Dr. Horrible, Chicago, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Legally Blonde
  • Ravenclaw: Great Comet, Hamilton, Something Rotten, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Matilda, Heathers
Best Out-of-Context Lines From Musicals

- “Sit down John, you fat motherfucker!”

- “Screw the middle classes, I will never accept them!”

- “Consider yourself part of the furniture.”

- “Now shut your face.”

- “Henry can’t really stay; he’s got rabies.”

- “I love you even though it does not matter that I still don’t know your name.”

- “The internet is not for porn!”

- “Miss America should just resign!”

- “No one keeps a cow for a friend!”

- “Lot 666 then.”

- “Nothing can bend the will like half-Castilian men!”

- “Sometimes my father appeared to enjoy having children.”

Renamed Musicals
  • • Les Miserables: Breadsticks Meme Gone Wrong ft. The Only Cop in France.
  • • Miss Saigon: Americans Fuck Shit Up, the musical!
  • • Legally Blonde: This is Harvard, not a Stripper Bar.
  • • Wicked: Misunderstood Green Girl and Sparkly Witch Hide Lesbian Feelings
  • • Little Women: That Story Where All the Girls Fall in Love
  • • Book of Mormon: Spooky Mormon Hell and Crude Gay Humor Clash w/ Sparkly Tuxedoes.
  • • Shrek: Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover; Another Show About Diversity.
  • • The Last Five Years: How Not to Adult: A Manual
  • • Joseph and the blah, blah, blah: Fifty Shades of Bible Humor
  • • Suessical: Always Trust that Weird Voice you Hear PS Elephants Can’t Fly
  • • Songs for a New World: I’m Sure There’s a Story Here Somewhere…
  • • Thirteen: Puberty Sucks Plus Jewish Jokes and Weird Sexual Tension
  • • Matilda: We’ll Fight Like Twenty Armies and We Won’t Give up ft. Miss Honey’s Self Esteem Issues.
  • • Spring Awakening: Why Sex Ed Matters, the musical!
  • • Next to Normal: The Story of a Sexy Ghost
  • • Avenue Q: Horney Puppets Use the Internet for Porn and Then Build a School For Monsters.
  • • Children of Eden: Bible fanfiction.
  • • The Drowsy Chaperone: Hallucinations of a Man in a Chair
  • • Violet: Sutton Foster and a Sob Story ft. Indecipherable Accents
  • • Anything Goes: Into the Woods, Except on a Ship
  • • How to Succeed: A Dummies Guide to Making an Ass Out of
  • Yourself
  • • Once on this Island: Why Gods Should Not Interfere With Humans
  • • Into the Woods: Fairytale AU on Crack
  • • Fun Home; Gay Tears, the musical!
  • • In the Heights: Everybody has Issues in the Barrio.
  • • Chess: East West Relations Under Different Masks and Various Plots
  • • RENT: Diversity, Death, and Drugs.
  • • Annie: My Life Sucks: By Me.
  • • Sweeny Todd: Revenge Means Killing Everybody
  • • Young Frankenstein: It Runs in the Family.

Hello I’ve slept on it for 2 nights now and I’m still mad at the fact Pasek and Paul consider they pitched “the weirdest idea for a musical” as if hip-hop founding fathers, electropop opera 70-page extract from War and Peace, wizard of oz fanfiction, nsfw puppets, mormons in uganda, singing cats and u.s. marines play who’s got the ugliest date before going to Vietnam (aka their very own show Dogfight) were never pitched. the disrespect of it all honestly.

Most beautiful and inspirational final lines in musicals
  • Heathers: "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful BEAUTIFUUUUULLL!"
  • Sister Act: "Spread the love around!"
  • Lion King: "Circle of lifeee!!"
  • Hamilton: "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"
  • Les Misérables: "tomorrow comes!"
  • Rent: "No day but today"
  • Avenue Q: "Everything in life is only for now"
  • The Book of Mormon: "I STILL HAVE MAGGOTS IN MY SCROOOTUUUUUUUUM!!!"
Songs to make your Non-Broadway Friends Listen to with no context at all
  • My Unfortunate Erection: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  • Sugar Daddy: Hedwig and the Anrgy Inch
  • Hasa Diga Eebowai: The Book of Mormon
  • Blue: Heathers
  • Totally Fucked: Spring Awakening
  • Black Death: Something Rotten!
  • Friki-friki: Honeymoon in Vegas
  • Spooky Mormon Hell Dream: The Book of Mormon
  • You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want: Avenue Q
  • Telly: Matilda
  • Over The Moon: RENT
  • The Ballad of Farquaad: Shrek
  • Magic Foot: 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
  • The Word of Your Body reprise: Spring Awakening
  • Die Vampire, Die!: [title of show]
  • Something Rotten/Make an Omelette: Something Rotten!
  • Joseph Smith American Moses: The Book of Mormon
  • Hello Little Girl: Into the Woods
  • Angry Inch: Hedwig and the Angry Inch
  • It's Eggs: Something Rotten!
  • The Internet is for Porn: Avenue Q
Things Each Musical Reminds Me Of

*based on the period of my life when I listened to the musical the most, not the actual content of the musical; though it’s kind of funny how each musical relates to what it reminds me of

Wicked: unexpectedly starting a conversation with an old friend and realizing you miss them

The Phantom of the Opera: the kind of love you don’t expect anything from

RENT: rebelling against your parents for the first time

The Sound of Music: finding family in friends you never expected to meet

Newsies: adventures and memories that come from the people you were with not the places you went

Les Miserables: disappointment you won’t remember in a month but you needed to experience

Next to Normal: self-growth when you least expect it

The Last Five Years: losing what you were looking for but finding something better

If/Then: independence is not loneliness

Love Never Dies: sharing something you love with your friends because you want them to know how important they are to you

Avenue Q: going on a road trip with your best friend and singing until your throat is raw

Spring Awakening: continuously learning and falling in love with something you already know so well

The Book of Mormon: second-hand happiness because the person who means so much to you is where they want to be

Daddy Long Legs: accidental all-nighters reading horoscopes with your friends

Fun Home: allowing yourself time for growth; accepting not everything has to come at once

Hamilton: meeting someone once and knowing from then on you won’t go a day in your life without them

Heathers: the worst new beginnings that somehow still lead to the best new things

In the Heights: forgetting why you started doing something and beginning to do it for yourself

Dear Evan Hansen: the trust someone hands you when they introduce you to their favorite band

Waitress: a person you associate with your entire life but you’ve only known a short while

Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812: forgiveness you don’t deserve and the hope that comes from your lowest moments

Falsettos: long distance friendships with origin stories no one will believe

im still not over that broadway fans are so blind to the fact that most of the LGBT characters in their shows are not ‘representation’ and are merely stereotypes

the book of mormon is not ‘representation’

heathers is not ‘representation’

les miserables is not ‘representation’

just because there happens to be a gay character who is flamboyant does not make that character good ‘representation’

the producers, tanz der vampire, legally blonde etc. etc. is NOT representation

another thing to add: the ‘word of god’ of the author does not make it representation either. the author merely saying a character is LGBT and not putting blatantly it in the text is NOT representation

I feel like we need to make that clear to people this pride month