autumnal shit

It’s probably not a secret that I’m madly in love with Lucien. I’ve written and read plenty of meta about him to gather a general insight on what the ACOTAR fandom thinks of him. Often I find that people see him as a tragic character that’s going to either rise or fall to the occasion— and I can relate to that method of thinking. However, I’ve begun to notice that a lot of these comments about Lucien are, in fact, very misleading and are almost always full of double standards. For instance, these are a few of the classics:

  • “I want him to succeed but not until he repents.”
  • “Lucien should just leave Tamlin. He’s a High Lord’s son, right? He’s should be able to just walk out spewing fire everywhere.”
  • “He’ll ally with the Nigh Court after Feyre uses Elain as bait.”
  • “Lucien isn’t as damaged as Feyre, and she managed to escape.”

And on, and on…

It’s disgusting.

I’m going to try to keep this as calm and educational as possible (even though on the inside I’m typing in caps and being bitter) so let me address the first issue with the above statements: they’re all unrealistic, contain harmful representation of a person suffering abuse, and are brimming with double standards. Lucien doesn’t need to repent. I’m tired of seeing this as a scapegoat for readers to think that “after character does X they will be deemed good enough and receive Y at the ending.” Lucien doesn’t need to be forgiven for trying to survive. He’s a victim of immense abuse (*see horrific references below) and he’s only ever acted accordingly to what would keep him alive. I realize that the main scenario readers want Lucien to apologize for is the scene in ACOMAF where he tries to take Feyre back to the Spring Court. Let me break this down for you all.

While the event was definitely one portraying him as an antagonist, Lucien still believed that the Night Court was evil and manipulate— especially where the mind is concerned. Rhysand literally can place claws inside of a persons mind, and he once threatened Lucien to step aside or have the Autumn Court and his mother executed. (We all know it was for show, but did Lucien? Of course not.) So when this girl, who was deeply in love with his only friend, disappears and is found with a new, wicked attitude that matches Rhysand’s to an extent and Illyrian wings to boot…hell, if I were Lucien I’d probably think some mind control had come into play as well. This is where things get a bit tricky, however. Lucien does realize that Feyre looks healthier and seems to be better off in the Night Court, but he’s not certain if it’s real or a compulsion. Given that he has no way of knowing the truth, and that believing Rhysand had truly helped Feyre get better after Rhysand’s last encounter with Lucien had been full of threats, I’m lead to believe that Lucien was trying to help Feyre escape, even if it meant brining her back to Spring. We also have to consider that Lucien, although having shown signs of being wary of Tamlin’s behavior,  still loves Tamlin because he offered him a home when his own brothers chased him out of his court. So if Tamlin orders him to do something, Lucien will do it out of loyalty and fear. Loyalty, for what he thinks he owes Tamlin because he’s never known what it’s like to be free, and fear because he knows Tamlin will lash out violently if he doesn’t get his way.

The second and third points I’ve stated are probably the worst I’ve seen. Lucien is the seventh son of the High Lord of Autumn, so he more than likely has magic that can rival other High Fae and, possibly, even High Lords. However, we have to consider that Lucien never reveals his magic for a few reasons. He could not know how to control it because no one may have bothered to show him. He could be terrified or disgusted with it, because fire (and let’s assume it’s fire magic) can cause devastating destruction. Or he simply doesn’t have enough power to rival Tamlin’s, and he knows this so he doesn’t try because the one time he DID stand up for himself, when he announced that he would leave his family’s court, he was hunted down.

Much like using one person’s love for another is a prominent motif in this story, Elain could potentially be used as bait for Lucien to “behave” himself in the Spring Court because he probably knows Feyre is up to something. This is wrong and deceitful for so many reasons. If Lucien is to have a character arc that rivals the main character’s own development (which I firmly believe he will) then he needs to come about this revelation on his own terms, not because of someone else— not matter if they’re his mate. If Elain were to be used against him, that would only further his abuse. This would be manipulating and traumatizing a PTSD and abuse survivor. He’s already lost one person he loved, and to dangle his mate in front of him for his cooperation won’t make him realize he’s more than he believes himself to be— it will only continue to make Lucien think that he’s worth less than those around him. Also, Elain doesn’t deserve to be treated like a piece of meat, much less by her sister (so I doubt this will happen, but it agonizes me to continuously see this theory).

On the topic of which character faced more abuse than the other, it’s nonexistent. We should never compare two characters’s trauma for the sake of figuring out who deserves the most sympathy. That’s so incredibly offensive and WRONG.  This applies to all situations, books, and real life events, but for this rant I’m applying it to the concept that Feyre suffered more than Lucien and therefore calling Lucien an abused character like Feyre doesn’t mean anything. It’s important to note that I strongly disagree with this, and that I think their suffering is equal in that they’ve felt it both so strongly that it’s ruined parts of their lives they can never get back. No suffering can be measured, for everyone feels it differently. That being said, Feyre and Lucien DO contain many parallels together—mostly that Lucien is exactly in Feyre’s position, stuck between loving Tamlin and fearing him, but he doesn’t have a Rhysand to help him escape.

*

  • He was treated like dirt in his homeland. 
  • His lover was murdered right in front of him as he was held down by his family.
  • When he stood up for himself and told them he was going to leave Autumn, his brothers hunted him down and tried to murder him.
  • He’s never had real friends aside from Tamlin, so he doesn’t understand how a real friend should treat their friends. 
  • Tamlin helped kill one of his brothers, and Lucien feels indebted to him.
  • Lucien is known as the drunk, flirtatious courtier/spy that isn’t stable and cannot remain in a single court. This has definitely effected the way he thinks about himself and his self worth.
  • Amarantha used Lucien as a flogging board when Tamlin didn’t obey her.
  • Lucien’s eye was ripped out because he once again tried to stand up for himself on a task that wasn’t even his own.
  • No one has even tried to help him battle his PTSD, so it’s only festered
  • Ianthe pursued him and tried to rape him but he managed to escape her
  • Lucien has never had someone to talk to about these things.

Bottom line, treat Lucien better. He deserves so much more.

Thoughts Going Through My Head During A Court of Wings and Ruin (SPOILERS...OBVIOUSLY)

PART ONE: PRINCESS OF CARRION
1. RHYS
2. Feyre being a master of all her powers makes me so happy
3. FUCK IANTHE
4. Shit Jurians here
5. THE VERY FIRST WORDS HE SEND DOWN THE BOND IS “I LOVE YOU” I’M DEAD
6. New characters? Oh shit they’re Daemati. They’re going to know what she is.
7. It’s only fitting that Feysand was in the cabin when Calanmai passed… :)
8. Alis sees through the bullshit, I love it
9. Feyre so manipulative, I love it
10. Yo, she’s really messing with Tamlin’s mind
11. fuck…get the children of the blessed out of there
12. THEY SENT THE BOGGE AFTER THEM YES
13. TAMLIN CONTROL YOUR FUCKING TEMPER YOU DUMBASS
14. “A Portrait in Snares and Baiting” LOL
15. Tamlin really falling spectacularly into Feyre’s traps
16. They’re revealing their plans WAY too easy, Feyre
17. GET THE FUCK AWAY FRPM LUCIEN, YOU BITCH
18. YAASSS FEYRE SHOW HER WHO’S BOSS
19. FUCK THESE TWO
20. Shit, Feyre get out of THERE
21. YAASSS FEYRE AND LUCIEN
22. TAKE LUCIEN WITH YOU

PART TWO: CURSEBREAKER
23. AUTUMN COURT
24. Shit it’s his brothers
25. FUCK, IT’S ERIS
26. CASSIAN, YOU’RE OKAY!!!!!!!
27. AZRIEL!! MY BABIES ARE OKAY!!!
28. HIGH LADY OF THE NIGHT COURT YAASSS BITCHES
29. “I missed you, too” Awwwwwwwww
30. MOR
31. SHE’S HOME
32. AMREN
33. RHYS
OMG
I CANT
I’M CRYING TEARS OF JOY
PLEASE NEVER BE SEPARATED AGAIN

34. Finally, she’s going to see her sisters
35. Lucien BEHAVE
36. Oh shit, Elain
37. What happened to Miryam and Drakon?
38. STOP FIGHTING
39. Cassian is so fucked man… he is SO in love with her
40. What is Nesta?
41. I am living for this bantering during dinner
42. Yes! Feyre’s going to learn to fly
43. Cassian breaking my heart a little when he talks about why he’s mad at Feyre…
44. LIBRARY :D
45. THE LIBRARY IS A SANCTUARY FOR ABUSED WOMEN I LOVE IT
46. What the hell did Cassian see down there?
47. Shit they’re going to free the Bone Carver
48. YES NEVER AGAIN PLEASE
49. SHE DID SEE HER CHILD
50. WHAT IS NESTA?!?!?!?!!
51. Haven’t heard Ouroboros since the immortals series LOL
52. Shit I think Elain can see the future
53. “So I went fast” LOL
54. Yes, Feyre stop with the matchmaker…for now
55. LORD AND LADY NIGHT YASSS
56. Shit, no, Rhys what are you doing
57. WTF SARAH J MAAS WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME NOT HATE ERIS AS MUCH
58. I DON’T THINK SHE’S CRAZY Y'ALL
59. THEY’RE CHAPERONING LOL
60.  THE NEPHELLE PHILOSOPHY I LOVE IT
61. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ELAIN?!??!?!??! CASSIAN BETTER NOT DIE OMG
62. Shit, the Ravens are here. See that’s what Elain was talking about
63. See, now Feyre gets it
64. WHAT IS THAT THING
65. WHAT IS THAT THING
66. SEE, SHE IS A SEER
67. Find the firebird
68. Lucien my baby
69. Shit, they attacked Adriata
70. YASSS FEYRE AND MOR TEAM UP SO BADASS
71. SHIT, THE KING
72. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, RHYS
73. Yo, Tarquin, you need to NOT cuz they’re on your side. THEY’RE YOUR FRIENDS
74. NESTA CAAAAAAAAARES
75. Wait, what does it mean that she sees her child and he’s a death-god?
76. STARFALL DRESS
77. NIGHT TRIUMPHANT AND STARS ETERNAL
78. Nesta! ❤ also Nesta and Rhys being on friendly terms is everything
79. LARGEST WINGSPAN, I’M DEAD
80. The bets! Sarah J Maas is the best with her squad-throwing-bets scenes
81. DAWN COURT
82. I love Viviane already
83. I have a feeling Tamlin is coming
84. Tamlin is here
85. FUCK NO HES GOING TO TURN THEM ALL AGAINST THE COURT OF DREAMS
86. YES RHYS YOU SHOW TAMLIN WHO’S BOSS
87. Wait, they’re actually going to work together?
88. Oh shit, she just revealed her powers to Beron
89. YAAASS CRESSIDA AND VIVIANE
90. LOL Helion wants the three of them. I’m crying
91. Also, a bit late but openly BI AND GAY CHARACTERS I LOVE IT
92. HOLY SHIT HELION IS LUCIEN’S FATHER?
93. What does Nesta feel?
94. FEYSAND IS SO BEAUTIFUL I’M CRYING
95. SHIT HE JUST DESTROYED THE WALL
96. Bryaxis better come thru
97. GUYS I AM SO SCARED RIGHT NOW

PART THREE: HIGH LADY
98. Waaaaaaaaaait…..wtf Jurian’s on their side????
99. What the fuck Tamlin???
100. Why did he go back though? I thought he was on their side?
101. NESSIAN
102. YAASSS IT’S OUR FAVORITE MESSY BITCH WHO LIVES FOR DRAMA: THE SURIEL
103. NOOOOO THE SURIEL HOW DARE SHE
104. YAAASSS IANTHE GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES
105. I’M SOBBING THE SURIEL
106. GOD STOP WITH THE FIGHTING
107. SHIT
108. YOOOOOOOOOO VARIAN JUST KISSED AMREN YAAAAASSSSS
109. SHIT NO IT TOOK ELAIN
110. RHYSAND GIVING HER ENCOURAGING WORDS IS EVERYTHING
111. YAASSS TAMLIN DO SOMETHING GOOD
112. MY GIRL CAN FLY
113 THEY GOT OUT
114. OHMYGOD MOR. I’M SOBBING. SHE IS SO IMPORTANT. SARAH J MAAS MAY MAKE ALL OF US WANT TO SCREAM INTO THE VOID BUT SHE ALWAYS CREATES SUCH IMPORTANT AND BEAUTIFUL CHARACTERS IT ALWAYS LEAVES ME SPEECHLESS
115. Ohmygod Feyre already planning out potential baes for Mor
116. She’s going to face the Ouroboros
117. She’s seeing herself right? Cuz she’s a wolf
118. I was RIGHT
119. Okay this speech is beautiful but like I AM SO SCARED RN
120. ALL THREE HAVE BEEN REUNITED
121. Ohmygodtheycame they all came
122. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO THE CARVER
123. DRAKON’S ARMY
124. HOLY CRAP THEIR FATHER CAME THRU
I AM SHOOKETH
125. THEIR FATHER NO
126. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM CASSIAN
127. NO NO NO NO NO NOT CASSIAN NOT NESTA
128. OH
MY
GOD
ELAIN
YOU 
AMAZING
BADASS

129. AMREN IS UNLEASHING HERSELF ISN’T SHE
130. SHE’S NOT GOING TO REMEMBER VARIAN OR HER FRIENDS NO
131. OH SHIT THE CAULDRON
132. RHYS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DON’T YOU DARE
133. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NO
NOPE
NEVER
UH UH
NO
NO
NO

NO

I AM ACTUALLY SOBBING FOR REAL

I HAVE CHEST PAINS

134. Oh my god Tamlin
135. RHYS
136. AMREN
137. LUCIEN
138. REMAKE THE WORLD
139. THEY’RE OKAY

I’M DEAD

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SOFT GIRL - Weird Autumn [Night in the Woods Cover]

  • All year: spoopy time
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Buy Me Love

“Love you, babe.” He says, kissing my forehead before leaving the house we’d bought together about two years ago. The first night he wanted to bang me in every room of the house but got tired after the first. And that’s when the thoughts started.

He hasn’t notice I’ve stopped saying “I love you” back. I just nod and smile. I didn’t work, he insisted I didn’t. I had my hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. The mug had a photo of us kissing on it. I suddenly felt pure rage run through my body as I stared at the mug. I threw it across the room at the wall. It shattered nd lay in three pieces with some small fragments. 

I pick up the large pieces, cutting myself on the half that had me. Tears welled in my eyes, not from the pain but from the apathy I’ve felt. I throw the pieces in the trash and use a wet towel to get the smaller pieces. I throw that away and go to the closet. I put on an expensive blouse and yoga pants, tying my hair in a bun and leaving. 

I put a luxury designer coat and heels. I grab the keys and get in the Lexus. I pull out and start to drive away from our gated col-d-sack and head into the city, specifically the bad part of town. I drive around until I see it. 

An attractive man leans against a wall, smoking a cigarette. I park the car, making sure to lock it. I walk over to the man, taking in his beauty. He looks about two years older than me. He has curly brown hair and emerald green eyes. 

“Can I help you, Gucci?” He asks. 

“How much?” I ask. He chuckles and takes a deep puff of his cigarette. 

“How much you got?” He asks, his smoke blowing out slowly. 

“I can give you a thousand.” I say, opening my pocket book. He takes another puff of his cigarette. 

“Why are you here, sugar?” He asks, blowing the smoke in my face.

“My husband can’t please me.” I say.

“You’re married?” He sounds surprised. “How old are you, sugar?”

“Twenty three.” I say.

“Fuck, you’re younger than me. Lemme guess, high school sweethearts?”

“No, he was older than me, four years older. We met at a party. He inherited his dad’s business or whatever. He proposed on Valentines day and married me in the Autumn of that year.”

“Shit, sugar. But that doesn’t explain why you’re here.” He says, taking another drag from his cigarette.

“The best time we had sex was when I first met him. I thought he was hot as fuck cause he was older and had money. After that, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed cause I thought he’d be good for me long term. A year later he proposed. I haven’t came since the night we met.”

“Shit, how long ago was that?”

“Four, five, maybe six years?” I say. “He refuses to let me work and insists I take yoga classes every day.”

“How many times a week do you do it?” He asks.

“Once, he wants me to get pregnant but I keep telling him I’m not ready.” I say, scratching my wrist. “I’ll pay you a thousand a week if you can fuck me.” 

He drops his cigarette and steps it out. His eyes rake up my body. He examines me.

“Okay, on one condition.” He says.

“What?” I ask, impatient. 

“We will never tell our names.” He says.

“That’s a stupid condition.”

“If your husband finds out, I don’t want to know your name. So he can’t pinpoint me.” He explains. I nod and he takes my hand, leading me to my car. “Now I’m gonna take yer back to my place.”

I hand him my keys and get in the car. He takes a seat and groans as he sits down. He puts the key in the engine and we drive off. 

“This car is amazing.” He says, I notice he doesn’t have a seat belt on, I reach over to buckle him in. “The fuck are you doing, Sugar?”

“I-I sorry. I don’t want you to die if we get in an accident.” I say, sheepishly. I rub my wrist and avoid eye contact. 

“He has neutered you.” He says, staring off. “Pet, you’re going to have the best sex you’ve ever had. How many people have you had sex with, Sugar?”

“T-two?” I suggest, not really knowing the amount. Just knowing it was under four. 

“Why just two?” He asks, eyes narrowed.

“When I was sixteen, I had sex with a boy cause his dad was a car dealer and he could give me an old model of a car for being his girlfriend.” I say. “I told Evan about that one night after a bottle of red wine and he called me a prostitute.”

“Honey, you are as far from a prostitute as you can get.” He says, turning a corner. I noticed the tattoos on his hands and neck, and the little scar above his eyebrow and under his plump pink lips. He had deep bags under his eyes.

“What can I call you?” I ask him.

“What?”

“I-I mean, I need to know what to moan when I… Um… Cum…” I say, now embarrassed. I scratch my wrist and look out the window. 

“Call me H. Okay?”

“Okay… H..” 

A small smirk grows on his face. We pull up to an apartment complex. I bite my lip, this was really happening. I lock the car and follow him up the five flights of his stairs to his apartment, if you could call it that. The lock on the door was broken and I could walk right in. The apartment smelled of weed and mildew. 

There was trash strung out all around the room, some of the windows were boarded up. I noticed  hunched over figure on a bean bag by an boarded window. H frowned at the person and walked over to them, kicking the bean bag. 

“Get up, charlie. You haven’t paid your share of the rent in months.” A hairy fat man with smudged, tacky makeup stares up at H.

“H, you know I don’t have the money.”

“Oh, but you have plenty of money to go shoot up! Pay your share and get the fuck out.” H turns around, after placing a swift kick to ‘Charlie’’s gut. 

“H!” A girl squeals, rushing over to H and wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his torso. She places a kiss on his neck and lips.

“Who’s this?” Another a girl asks, she’s completely naked. Her body is uncomfortably skinny and her eyes were hollow and sunken in. She walked up to H and placed a kiss on his cheek. The other girl, who was wearing a pair of pink panties and a white bra, was still straddled around his waist kissing his neck and face.

“This is Sugar. She hasn’t had an orgasm in about five years.” H says, putting the girl down. Se was really tiny, her corn blonde hair in two pig tails. She had a bit of weight on her but it worked in her favor. 

“FIVE YEARS! Holy shit, H. This should just be a charity case at this point.” Pig tails says. She turns to me and extends her hand to shake, I reluctantly take it. “I’m Pink, it’s nice to meet you, Sugar.” 

“Nice to meet you too.” I say.

“Alright, let’s get this on with.” Skinny says, glaring at me. She kisses H before shoving him towards a door. I follow him in. A bedroom: boarded windows, messy bed, and a cracks in the walls.

“How are we-” I start, H slams his lips into mine. My eyes widen and I sink into the kiss. I start to pull down the zipper on his grey hoodie. He smirks into the kiss, backing me into a wall. He pauses the kiss to throw his hoodie off, my eyes widen at the sight of his tattoos. They’re beautiful, I let my fingers ghost over them as we continue the kiss. 

He undoes the buttons on my coat, letting it fall to the floor. H moves his lips to my neck and collar. I warn him not to leave hickeys. I push him off for a second, throwing my shirt down with my coat. H’s eyes widen, his hands instinctively going to unhook my bra.

I groan as it drops to the floor, H’s hands imminently going to my breasts and squeezing. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for another kiss. His hands leave my breasts and move to my ass. He squeezes and pulls me up to him. 

“You’re so beautiful, Sugar.” He whispers, his mouth ghosting over my ear. I rub myself against his jeans, which were incredibly tight. “I don’t know how your husband couldn’t touch you every second he could.”

“H, thank you.” I groan in his ear.

“Sugar, I’ve barely touched you and you’re already pudy in my hands.” He laughs breathlessly, his hand slipping into my yoga pants and cupping my heat.  I let out a breathy moan and kiss his neck. He pulls my yoga pants down my legs, along with my panties. 

“Lace? What a pleasant surprise. I would have thought he’d put you in old lady silk panties.”

“Fuck no. I put on something I thought would make you hard.” I whisper, breathlessly. I would never something like this: standing naked in a stranger’s apartment cheating on my husband while he’s at work. But I am. “Am I, H?”

“Yeah, Sugar.” He whispers back, looking up at me. He grips my legs and lifts me up. I laugh and he places me on the bed, spreading my legs. I see his face for a brief second before his head disappears and pleasure rocks my body. 

“Fuck, H! Shit!” I scream, accidentally bucking my hips into his face. He places his hand on my hips to keep them down.

“Easy there, tiger.” The vibrations of his words on my clit run through my body. “I take it Evan has never eaten you out.”

“No… No no no.” I groan in pleasure. “Please more, H.” 

“It’s a shame he never did.” Harry presses his tongue flat against me. “You taste so damn good.” 

“H! Please, fuck!” I squeal, grinding myself into his face. I feel myself come undone. I swivel my hips into his face as a wave of pleasure washes over me. 

The rest is a blur of pure pleasure, I’m trapped in a smokey haze of sex and pleasure. All I know is that I know this pleasure that I haven’t felt in years. This passion. 

“Fuck, that was really good.” H says, rolling over next to me. “I wasn’t expecting you to be that good like shit.”

We sit in silence for a few seconds. I roll over in the bed, looking at H. He was truly beautiful. His brown curls were laying around his face, his emerald eyes had a dazed look in them. 

“Can I bum a smoke, H?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“Go ahead, check my pants.” He says, pointing to his trousers that were discarded by the door. I pull the thin sheet wrapped around myself and H’s lower half to get up. As I get off the bed, H tugs the sheet off and stares at my naked form. I blush and attempt to cover up. 

“Don’t like what just happened didn’t happen. Your body is great, shame he makes you dress like you’re forty.” H says. I giggle and strut over to the pants. I fish out the box of cigarettes. H grabs a lighter next to the bed stand. 

I pick out a cigarette and put it in my mouth, tossing the pack to H.  He smirked and put a cigarette in his mouth before lighting it. I walked over and sat on the bed, he lit the cigarette in my mouth. I took a drag and blew out some smoke. 

“I used to smoke before I married Evan. He said it was a filthy habit. I haven’t smoked in years.” I chuckle. H laughs. “Can I ask who those other people in this condo are?”

“Other prostitutes. Charlie is a drag queen, he runs the gay district. The chubby girl, Pinkie, she works the fitness area. They like to fuck fat girls there.”

“And the skinny one?” I ask. H just shakes his head, taking a drag of his cigarette. He blows it out slowly, we sit in silence. 

“I want to try something.” H says. I nod, H takes a deep puff of his cigarette before kissing me. I kiss him back, opening my mouth to deepen the kiss. He gladly opens his. I start to feel light headed, so I pull back. Smoke leaves both mine and H’s mouths. “Cool.” 

And on that autumn morning, leaves weren’t the only thing that fell as she passed by. I knew then…
I was in love with her.
—  Excerpts from a book I’ll never write #60