aunt-linda

who goes to a football game on thanksgiving day?????? they got turkey legs being cannoned into the crowd?? they passin baskets of buttered rolls down the isles??? they got aunt linda getting wasted and falling down the stairs???

tis the season yo: a guide to not being a shitty customer this december
  • if the line is long, why are you surprised? it’s 2016, you have a phone. play some apps or go on Facebook while you wait. I know the line is long, that’s why i keep saying “sorry about the wait” when you get to the damn register. i’m going as fast as i can.
  • speaking of lines, if you try and push in because you only need one thing, tough shit. back of the line.
  • have a list so you don’t get up to the counter and go “shit, i forgot aunt linda’s present” and have to either a) leave all your purchases at the counter and run to the back of the store to get aunt linda’s fucking present while everyone else waits in line or b) take all your purchases and do the walk of shame to the back of the store to get aunt linda’s fucking present and then rejoin the back of the line which has gotten longer while you’re away, because fuck you.
  • make sure you have enough cash, or money in your account, and if not, have a damn banking app so you can rectify that quicksmart so you don’t have to a) make everyone wait in line while you transfer money around or b) do the walk of shame to the back of the queue while you transfer money around.
  • also on this topic, please keep track of where your wallet is. you have one job - being able to pay for the shit you wanna buy. if your wallet is in the car, at the bottom of one of your shopping bags, in the changing rooms, you cannot do your job, and you had one job, which was to pay for the shit you wanna buy.
  • say please and thank you. i’ll go a million miles for a customer who’s nice for me. that said, i’ll go a million miles for a customer who’s a dick, but i’ll do those million miles very slowly.
  • if someone’s in the store in a uniform but missing a vital part of that uniform - like a hat, apron or nametag - or has a jacket on over their uniform, chances are they’re not clocked on, are shopping before work, or are on their break. leave them alone.
  • if an employee does a nice job for you, maybe ask for a feedback form to fill out giving them some kind words, like “i was there on this day and cashier X was not terrible. she was pretty fucking good.” most major retail stores have these somewhere, or email the store telling them that X was a brilliant cashier and polite and all that. at the worst, it gets ignored; at the best, the employee will get some kind of reward from management. and it’s nice to be appreciated.
  • check the website if you can, to see if the store has something. if it’s not on the website, they probably don’t have it. amazing, i know.
  • bring reusable bags. this is just a preference, and more and more stores are charging for bags. i do enjoy seeing the light in a customer’s eyes die when i tell them i need a dollar before they can use a bag, especially if they’re a dick.
  • why would you pay with a cheque.
  • why would you not know your own PIN.
  • chances are, if you’re entering a store, you’re agreeing to let them check your bags on the way out. don’t bitch and moan at the person checking them. if you haven’t stolen shit, let them check. if you have stolen shit, it better be necessities.
  • if you’re coming into the store and they’re about to close, someone better be dying and require whatever you’re buying to live.
  • keep ya fucking receipt ya drongo. if you’re shitty at keeping receipts/the person you’re giving the present to is shitty at keeping receipts, take a photo of the receipt because a lot of stores accept that as proof of purchase these days. 

My dad told my uncle that I want to go to University of Michigan and he //loves// u of m a lot so he was talking to me about it and was telling me how proud he was and then he gave me this old worn looking u of m keychain and said it was special to him bc he’s had it for forever and got it from a u of m football player and I just??? He’s so sweet??? Also the pressure to actually get accepted and go is so real

Why are you even asking, “You know that I peed in them while we were standing at the bar waiting for our cocktails. If I had to wait for you to walk me over to the ladies, I would always be wearing wet panties. At least my short skirt means I can sit without getting the back of it wet.

My sister and I have a thing about peeing in our undies and my mom just says not to worry ourselves about it. She should know, because I’ve seen her plenty of times with a wet ass. We all went to the beach last week with our aunt Linda, all the while giggling at our poor volleyballing skills, when I noticed a wet patch forming in the crotch of aunt Linda’s blue swimsuit. Half heartedly, she was glancing  at the pee running down her legs as she was rotating up to the net. Later my mom asked if she new she’d wet her pants since the wet stain surrounding her puss was so obvious. All she did was smile and say, “so I just needed to go”.

somethingmoreclever  asked:

The Run and Go, Truce, Friend Please?

The run and go: the last person house you stayed at? The last person who stayed at your house?

I stayed at my aunt Linda’s house when my mom and I went to texas for my grandpa’s funeral. The last person who stayed at my house was my aunt rosie and they came to visit from texas during the summer.

Truce: someone you wish you could see?

Twenty one pilots

Friend please: have you ever had to talk someone out of making a big mistake?

Ive talked quite a few used to be friends out of suicide multiple times. If that counts.

thanks for asking!

This is just in my mind: Aunt Linda is Drunk Uncle’s wife, that’s why I always say Linda. I think Stefon is their son, but he doesn’t talk about it. Girl at the Party, their daughter, again who cares. Jacob is their neighbor, he’s Jewish, they’re not having it. Garth and Kat live over there, but they’re never around because they’re always traveling. In my mind there’s this weird update gated community.
— 

Bobby Moynihan

madameexpendable Got most of it