aunt pattie

Elsewhere University

Because @charminglyantiquated is the coolest person ever, there is now a super-awesome fandom for her comic, Elsewhere University, and because she is even cooler and lets us write stuff for it, I thought I’d take her up on her offer. 

You press the iron necklace into your skin, and you bite your lip until you taste blood, and you walk into the doorway that you’ve never seen before and pray for a miracle. 

You don’t really think that it will work, but you do it anyway. 

They took her about a week ago, while she was walking home from sleeping over-with you. You stupid, idiotic moron. You should have said, “it’s too early.” You should have said, “skip your 8 AM, it doesn’t matter, you’ll pass anyway.” You should have said, “you have a salt packet, right?” But you didn’t. When she didn’t text you all day, when you called her 2, then 5, then 20 times, when you ran home praying that she was lying in bed watching Netflix or working on her english project, when you burst in through the door and the room was dark and cold and empty, then you knew. And you cried and cried all night, begging whatever was listening that they wouldn’t hurt her, toy with her, change her. Praying that they’d give her back. People come back, they do it all the time. Maybe it wasn’t…permanent. You try not to think of how many English majors have vanished this year alone. 

And as the days passed, and there was no sign of her, or even something that looked like her, you slowly come to accept what you must do. 

You went to Shell (has three turtles, that’s how he chose the name) and you buy an iron necklace, for you do not have one of your own. 

“Dude-” Shell starts as you drop the Twizzlers on the table (he picked up the habit of trade over there. he was there for a while. not all of the reptiles in his cage may be turtles.) “-don’t do this.”

“Just give me the necklace.” You don’t want time to doubt this, to second guess, to think of your dad and your aunt patty and your cousin blake who you really wanted to see grow up-

“Look, I’m as sorry about Ash as you are, but…this…what you’re planning?…it won’t work, Willow. It just won’t.” 

They had both chosen tree names, to be called by. They’d met as a mixer, and she’d used it as a dumb conversation starter. She had been so beautiful that night, her skin absorbing the light and glowing with a brown radiance that reminded her of the sun. 

“Just give me. The necklace.” she spat, hands clenched and tears dripping off her eyelashes. 

He sighed, but reached under the counter and dropped it on the pockmarked wooden surface (screwed in with iron screws. he took no chances, not anymore.) he stared at her, eyes hard but burning with regret.

“I know them, Willow. I wasn’t there for…” he drifted off, his eyes fuzzing a bit. time is different there. he was gone for about a month when one of the RA’s finally did something-he was a TA, and he was the resident “merchant” on campus, and he was needed. he said it was longer over there. that was all he ever said, except for the midnight sleep-screaming, and occasional chanting. he shook his head and resumed. 

“…but I know them, ok? you won’t get her back, not if they want her, and definitely not if you demand her. and if you do manage to get her? there’s a price. there’s always a price. and it’s always too high to pay. always.”

she grasps the iron necklace, shaped like a circle, like eternity, in her clammy palm, and says, “she is beyond price.” 

You went to one of the “thin places” (think liminal/the copse of trees next to the sorority that has some girls with skin that is far too pale and eyes that are much too bright ) and you stand there, and say, “i am coming to reclaim what is mine.”

silence, but one that is filled with words.

“she is mine, and i am hers, and i intend to have her back.”

a thin wind rises, and it like the hissing laugh of cruel ancient things. 

you straighten your shoulders, and you resist the urge to grasp the iron circle, and you say “let us begin.” (bring it seemed too high school, and there is a way of going about these things that even she must follow)

and then the door was clear and defined in the trees, and you taste your blood and your fear and you enter. 

she is so beautiful here, but in a way that screams wrong. her thick black hair, her glowing brown eyes, her deep brown skin, it is ethereal here in the wrong way, not the ethereal it is supposed to be, has always been to her. and her eyes are vacant and empty, not full of wit and love and grace. she is wrong, and you intend to fix her. if you can. 

the thing on the throne, the roots twisted like muscle, stares at you from the other side of eternity, and finds you wanting. 

“she is ours.” the thing said, its voice like wind through the leaves, or a knife up a spine. “you have no right to claim her.” 

“i love her. i have every right.” the thing laughs, and that is the worst kind of sound you have ever heard. it is a laugh that has nothing in it to make it a laugh. 

“love means nothing. you say you are each other’s? this means nothing.” it leans forward, on its root throne, and for a moment you step back. “no one you love is special. death will come for you all. that is all that matters, for you. it is all that will every matter.” it leans back, and smiles with too many teeth. “we give her trinkets, and long life, and the pleasure of being chosen. what can you offer, but death?”

you want to have some speech prepared, some grand statement of freedom and love and the power of humanity, but the words are like dead leaves in your mouth. they will mean nothing to it. they barely mean anything to you. 

“i want her back. you do not need a reason to take. i do not need a reason to take back.”

at this, the thing actually nods. “very well. what do you offer? what will i gain, for losing a treasure?” 

she knows she is a dead woman, perhaps not literally, but in all the ways that matter. so long as Ash is safe, alive and well and writing stupid papers until 2 in the morning, she will be content. 

“take what you want.”

it grins so wide she thinks its face will split. 

a life for a life.

you hate yourself. but the thought of ash, asleep in bed at home and safe and with eyes that are hers and are filled with life, you can get through it. 

he comes, as you knew her would. the phone call, panicked, “i’ve got her! i’ve got her! but i think she’s drugged or something you just know so much about this, can you help please please please?” he runs down the path, approaching the copse of trees you stand next to, in the dark, so dark he can’t see you’re alone. 

“hey! I’m here!” Shell gasps, skittering to a halt with a pack bouncing off his leg. “i’ve got some stuff i think might help, where is she?”

you look him in the eye (you owe him that at least) and you say, “I’m sorry.” you say “it was the only way.” 

he doesn’t scream, as you half-expected him to. he’s too smart for that. he turns and run, sprints, gallops away, flinging ramen packets as he goes. its not enough.

the trees grow close, and he suddenly falls into them, like a cartoon character. his eyes catch yours before he vanishes into the blackness between the boughs. there is not even room for hatred in all the brokenness.

he is gone, and then wind is cold and filled with the laughter of cruel things.

a life for a life.

the price is always too high, because they take something and the taking rips the life from you.

disclaimer: i am very white so pleasepleaseplease tell me if my writing of a black character was racist or demeaning in any way! i just wanna help and make more positive representation, but PLEASE tell me if I’m being racist or stepping over a line! thanks! 


This is a submitted series by a writer who wished to stay anonymous, so I will be transferring their submissions to text posts yay! I just wanted to make it known that this work is not mine, and all credits go to the original author that decided to submit their series to my blog. Enjoy! :))

Pairing: Peter Parker/fem!Reader

Rated: T
Tags/Triggers(?): reader has an anxiety disorder
Summary: When Y/N moves to New York to attend a higher-level science and math school she only goes with the hope of getting a good education. But a certain cute nerdy with a camera makes her hope for a few other things as well.

Currently estimating this to be about twelve/thirteen chapters long and I’m gonna shoot for updates every Wednesday.

Super excited to be submitting this to the truly lovely Krys and I hope you all enjoy!

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anonymous asked:

Ok that sounds potentially hilarious and i would love to her why you were baptized x5 in the same year please.


So my grandma and her sisters are kind of the foundation and support system of the whole family, and they’re all very Catholic okay.
But let me tell you a thing about my mom.
She was the stereotypical rebellious emo goth kid runaway growing up, she was edgy as fuck.
She was goth before they called it goth. People used to call her and her friends ‘the scaries’.

So fast forward some years to my birth and early childhood.
My mom says she’s not going to get me baptised or make me go to church unless I decided to of my own free will.
My grandma and her sisters are not happy with this, they say if I’m not baptised and I die in an accident I have no chance and I’ll go directly to hell.

Everybody is VERY concerned about the fate of my soul at this point as I am 3 or 4 years old, and my mom as a single mother needed babysitters and she doesn’t trust the general population with her bean child so she has family do it.

So here’s what happened.
My grandma was babysitting me and baptised me in the bathtub, didn’t tell anybody.
Then my great aunt Patty was babysitting me and baptised me in her bathtub. She didn’t tell anybody.
At this point my mom had been mulling over the soul thing for a while and eventually broke down and baptised me in the bathtub, and didn’t feel the need to tell anybody.
Then when my grandma was babysitting me again and my Opa (Grandpa) baptised me in the bathtub because he thought my grandma may have done it wrong. He didn’t tell anybody.
Then for extra measure my mom baptised me AGAIN because she forgot to bless the tapwater the first time.

One day they were all sitting down having coffee and I guess somebody mentioned to my mom “I can’t believe you never got her baptised” or something like that, and my mom said she did, twice.
Then they all confessed to baptising me and had a good laugh about it

And after ALL OF THAT

I grew up to be a fucking pagan.

Wonder Woman: Exclusive New Look At Robin Wright

It’s taken 75 years for Wonder Woman to make the leap from page to silver screen. So it’s no surprise director Patty Jenkins is going in all guns blazing. After her scene-stealing turn in last year’s Batman v Superman, Gal Gadot’s Diana Prince will be riding front and centre in Wonder Woman when it arrives on 2 June.

Joining Prince on her idyllic all-female island home of Themyscira are her mother, Queen Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen), and aunt Antiope (Robin Wright) – the latter admitting a big reason for signing on was “to get in the best shape of my life at 50 years of age”. See “the greatest warrior of all time”, according to producer Charles Roven, in action in our exclusive image below.

Jenkins created an Amazonian boot camp for her film (“my body hated me”, recalls Gadot). “It was a riot,” Jenkins tells Empire. “We had 80 incredible women, all living in one Italian summer camp, from supermodels to the best female boxer in the world. It was rangy women just stalking around with their badass moves in droves, all becoming best friends and all super-intrigued by one another.”

With November 1918 providing the film’s alternate landscape, Wonder Woman will fill in the blanks regarding Prince’s ‘walk away from humanity’, as mentioned in Batman v Superman. “She comes from this heavenly place,” Gadot tells Empire, “then she goes to muddy, bloody Europe, and there’s death all over. This is mind-blowing to her.”

For much, much more on Wonder Woman, be sure to pick up the brand new issue of Empire, available in all good – yes, and evil – newsagents as of today.

  • somebody: what's patti short for?
  • level 5 patti fan: Patricia LuPone
  • level 2 patti fan: she's actually named after her great grand aunt, opera singer adelina patti. patti actually isn't short for patricia
  • level 10 patti fan: she's got little legs

Dear Inquisitor Prosecutor Barnham,

Congratulations!  I’m happy to hear that you were able to turn your fabricated career into a real one!  The prosecutor’s office here can really use someone with your sense of justice.  Best of luck with every challenge you face in the courtroom!

Speaking of which, I don’t mean to brag, but if we do end up facing each other again, you’ll be in for much more of a fight than we had in Labyrinthia.  I’m not the same “apprentice baker” you met back then.

-Phoenix Wright

P.S. Sure thing.  Give my regards to Ms. Belduke, Espella, and Aunt Patty next time you see them, all right?

This Week’s Relatable Post is:



China: meh, I’m only here for the food

America: HI YOUTUBE!! ;D

Japan: just act chill, the photo is almost over

Russia: I swear!.. if aunt patty takes one more photo. I am going to hurl her phone into the fireplace

England: *is drunk on eggnog* why am I here again??

France: Ooo YES! They got my good side!!

Germany: I just want to go home and get some sleep…  *cries*

REQUEST: Holiday with Josh Headcanons!

Originally posted by thectossystem

I’m a bit late to post this, and I’m sorry! This might actually be the only post today, since I’m heading out in a few… >.> Running errands, hurray! Wasn’t as long as I’d like it to be… but considering the dysfunction in certain families during the holidays, I thought that meh, I’ll do a little bit of this and a little bit of that!

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VIDEO: The cast of WONDER WOMAN takes over GMA - Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Robin Wright, Connie Nielsen and Patty Jenkins (Director).

What Do You Say?

Summary: A regular game night at Y/N’s parents house takes a shocking turn. Both of them are bombarded with questions of when they’re going to get married. How the hell do they expect the two of them to settle down when they’re constantly at death’s door? 

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester (mentioned), OFC’s, Reader 

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Rated M 

Warnings: Smut, unprotected sex, oral sex, language, NSFW 

Word Count: 4,720

A/N: Thanks again at @impala-dreamer for beta reading my stuff! I hope you enjoy, feedback is always welcomed!

Originally posted by self-loathing-hunter

“Y/N, Dean we’re so glad the two of you were able to make it!” Your mother smiled, opening the door to your childhood home. “Everyone is in the kitchen chatting amongst themselves if you want to head in there.” You and your boyfriend stepped inside as your mother shut the door. “Make yourselves at home, Dean dear, do you need anything?” She asked, heading further inside the house as the two of you took your shoes off.

“No Mrs. Y/L/N I’m good for right now.” Dean yelled after her as he added his boots to the growing pile of shoes by the front door. “Thanks for the offer though!”

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“Real intimacy isn’t candles and flowers and meaningful caresses when you’re having sex…. Real intimacy is when you’re on pain meds, haven’t taken a shit in two weeks, and he brings you laxatives and rubs your back and holds your hands while you cry about it and doesn’t bat an eye.”

–my aunt patty, who is probably the smartest person in the world