Periods Aren’t That Bad. They’re Actually A Whole Lot Worse: A Lesson For Non-Period-Havers
Disclaimer 1: This will probably get a little NSFW.
Disclaimer 2: Symptoms of periods vary from period-haver to period-haver. It pretty much sucks for everyone, though.
Disclaimer 3: I have a high pain tolerance. Really high. If I say something is really painful, it is really fucking painful.
And now for the reasons why having periods suck and it’s worse for us to have it than for you to hear about it:
There is blood coming from our vaginas. This is a very unpleasant feeling. We cannot “hold it.” Some people get a light trickling. Some, like me, get a Goddamn crime scene.
The ways to keep from bleeding all over everything include a pad, which basically feels like a diaper, and a tampon, which is basically shoving a cotton pipe up there, is not as much fun as it sounds, and can be very uncomfortable if done wrong. And doing it right is fairly hard. Thanks to good old Catholic sex ed, it took me about five years to figure out.
Cramps. I am lucky in that my cramps tend not to be THAT bad (thank you, high pain tolerance), but some get cramps so bad that the pain is comparable to appendicitis.
Headaches. What I lack in cramps, I often make up for in headaches. And not just any headaches. Agonizing headaches. They can start up to a week before the bleeding starts, they last a few days into it, and they don’t go away. No matter how much aspirin you take. Seriously, when I get menstrual headaches, I could down an entire fucking bottle of Advil and I’d probably die but my ghost would still have the headache.
Acne. I’m talking looking like Deadpool under the mask.
Indigestion. It isn’t fun.
Sometimes my actual vaginal region hurts. A lot. Enough to have me doubled over on the floor.
For some reason my anxiety gets worse sometimes around my period. Which is extra fun. There’s nothing like nearly calling the morgue because your dad was late from a basketball game, only to find out he was at Applebee’s.
Fatigue. Because I’m doing everything I normally do while my body is staging a mutiny.
Just generally feeling disgusting.
This goes on for a week.
This happens every Goddamn month.
This generally starts around age twelve or so and lasts until maybe age 45.
I REALLY WANT TO KILL BOYS LIKE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY MAYBE CHOP OFF THEIR LEGS FIRST THEN WATCH THEM BLEED THEN STAB THEM NUMEROUS TIMES IN THE STOMACH SO THEY KNOW HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW
Oh wow that’s a lot of emotions and also possibly anger. Remember that the human body contains 5.2 liters of blood and when you sever arteries in major limbs (such as legs), a lot of that blood will then be outside the body and it’s an awful mess to clean up. I wouldn’t recommend attempting it unless you are a professional, like a janitor.
Or like oh no violence don’t blah blah blah but really we all get it so why do I pretend.
P.S. Some boys also have uterusesuteri* uteruses so I choose to interpret your language as referring to non-uterus-owning humans
*P.P.S. saying “boys have uteri” makes it sound like a single boy contains more than one uterus which is absurd and/or medically troubling so I’m sticking with uteruses although my spellcheck assures me that it’s spelled wrong but then spellcheck is also apparently not a word so what does it know. It can’t even spell its own name. Dumb spellcheck. Spellchecker? Oh sure now it works.
I have this idea for a gameshow called It’s That Time Again where men have to compete to see who can cope the longest with having a period and they have electrodes attached to their stomachs to stimulate cramps and they compete in events like Quietest Pad Unwrapping In A Public Bathroom and Synchronised Bitching and they also have to change soiled tampons on medical dummies and the whole time women are following them around with megaphones shouting instructions like “SURPRISE MOOD SWING”