I will also not be saying “what a guy.” And you will not hear me refer to anyone’s lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word “lifestyle” is, all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active outdoor lifestyle.
Attila the Hun, was the ruler of the Huns from 434 until his death in March 453. Attila was a leader of the Hunnic Empire, a tribal confederation consisting of Huns, Ostrogoths, and Alans among others, on the territory of Central and Eastern Europe.
So one of the theories that’s been making the rounds is that Attila the Hun’s name wasn’t actually his name, but a title bestowed on him by his Ostrogoth vassals; “Atta” is Gothic for “father,” and the suffix “-la” indicates a familiar or a diminutive, so “Attila” would be a familiar/diminutive form of “Father,” and y'know, this is just great, this means I’m gonna have to kinkshame an entire Germanic supertribalist confederation.
Leader of the Nomadic peoples, The Huns after the murder of his brother Bleda. He would lead his followers on a conquest of the known world, establishing the Hunnic Empire.
A bloodthirsty, ruthless and determined conqueror, Attila would ravage and pillage all across Eastern Europe murdering thousands of peasants and Romans alike. So feared was he, they called him The Scourge of God.
Twice would he conquer Byzantine and be offered richly before he choked to death on his own blood after consuming too much drink at his wedding reception.
You put down your phone on top
of your dresser and walked over to your mirror.
Adjusting your hair so that it looked how you wanted it to, you brushed
down the skirt of your sundress. You
felt butterflies in your stomach as you waited for Nicky to pick you up for a
date. You’d been dating for four months
now, and he still managed to make you nervous, though the feeling faded as time
went on. The doorbell rang, and you
heard your G/N open the door. You
quickly grabbed your bag and left your room to meet Nicky.
“You two have fun!” Your G/N called from behind you. “Don’t get into any trouble!“
“We won’t!” You shouted back over your shoulder as you
and Nicky made your way to his car. You
turned back to Nicky. “They didn’t give
a hard time, did they?”
“In the thirty seconds before
you came down?” Nicky opened the
passenger door for you and closed it before walking over to the driver side and
getting in. “No, Y/N, I think it was
fine.” You smacked him lightly at the
sarcasm in his voice. “Hey! Distracting the driver!”
“We’re not even moving
yet.” You deadpanned, playfully shoving
his shoulder again to prove your point.”
He rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and put the keys in the ignition.
“Well, now we are.” He said, pulling out of your apartment’s
parking lot and driving towards the theater.
“Whatever you say, NickNack.”
“I thought I told you to change
“You thought I’d listen?” You snickered.
“I can dream, Y/N,” He
retorted. The entire ride to the
theater was filled with your back and forth banter.
“So, which movie are we seeing
tonight?” You asked him as he parked.
“Is R/M okay?”
“I love that movie!” You replied as you stepped out of the
car. He crossed over to your side and
laced his fingers with yours as you walked into the lobby of the cinema.
“Two tickets to R/M, one
popcorn, and two R/D, please.” Nicky ordered once the two of you made it to the
front of the concession line. He paid
for the items, and handed you the tickets and one of the pops he ordered. You gave the employee your tickets, and
walked to into the theater. You both
stood near the door, looking for a spot to sit in the somewhat crowded theater.
“What about over there?” You pointed to two free seats near the edge
of the aisle.
“Sure,” He replied and walked
towards them with you following behind.
He let you in first and sat down next to you as the previews began to
roll. You both absentmindedly munched in
the popcorn as the movie progressed. Nicky had reach across to get any food
because he refused to move his arm from where it lay across your
shoulders. And it’s not like he could
move it even if he wanted to. Your head
was resting on his shoulder and his on yours.
He was too content to move, to put it simply. When the movie was over, he still didn’t move
his arm, only letting go once you both made it to his car. You checked your phone to see what time it
was. 5:35pm. Just as Nicky was about to
shift the gear into drive, his phone went off.
Smiling apologetically, he put the car back in park and checked his
“Sorry, it’s my dad. He forgot his flashlight in here from the
last time I drove him and the backup flashlight is dead. Do you mind if we quickly run over there?”
“I’m alright with that,” You
said, He smiled gratefully, and drove towards the Museum of Natural
History. When you pulled up to the
front, you checked the time again and saw that it was now 5:43pm.
“The museum closes in two minutes, so we’ll have to be quick.”
“Why, isn’t your dad the night guard?”
“Yeah, but Dr. McPhee doesn’t
want anyone who doesn’t work here inside after hours,” He said as you both
walked up the stairs. Something was off
about his voice. Nicky wouldn’t lie to you… would he? “Dad!” He said, his yell echoing in the empty
foyer. You looked at the clock at the
front desk. 5:44pm. “Dad? He tried
again, with no answer. “Wait here, I’m
going to go check his office.” You
nodded in reply, and he jogged off. You
walked over to the bench that sat near the edge of the room and sat down. You looked up at the clock again just as it
hit 5:45pm. What happened next astounded
you: The dinosaur skeleton that was on display out front began to move! At first you thought it was an animatronic,
but that assumption was quickly disproved when it stepped off the slab of rock
and began to look around the foyer. Its
eyeless gaze landed on you, and it began to approach you with a snarl. You looked around for somewhere to hide. The only available hiding spot was the desk,
and the Tyrannosaurus Rex was between you and it. It crouched, ready to spring.
“Rexy!” Someone on a horse stepped in front of
you. “This is not a snack! She is a guest,” The skeleton seemed to
understand, and stomped off elsewhere.
The stranger turned to you. “Are
you alright, my dear?”
“Y-Yes,” You stuttered, still
trying to comprehend what was going on.
“Wonderful. I’m Theodore Roosevelt, 26th
president of the United States of America!”
He extended his hand and you shook it.
“And you are?”
“Oh!” You realized you hadn’t told him your
“F/N!” You turned around to see Nicky weaving
through all of the mannequins and people (did the ones that looked human even
qualify?) towards you and Teddy. “Are
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. What is all this?” Nicky and Teddy exchanged a glance. Nicky turned to you.
“Well, you remember in English
class we had to write a short story?”
“Well, mine wasn’t exactly
“But you wrote yours about
museum exhibits coming to li…oh.
Seriously?” You looked at him.
“Yeah,” He sheepishly rubbed the
back of his neck.
“That’s… amazing!” You
exclaimed. His eyes snapped up to
“You believe me? Really?”
“Nicky, I watched that dinosaur—”
“Rexy,” Teddy corrected you.
“Right. I watched Rexy come to life. That’s pretty hard to explain!”
“Oh. Right, then.”
He looked around at all the exhibits milling around. “Well, as long as you’re here, do you want to
“Um, yeah!” You answered.
“Okay! So, you’ve already met Teddy, so…” He thought.
“I see Sacagawea and Attila over there, so let’s start with them.” He grabbed your hand and began to slowly make
his way towards the two exhibits. “Hey
guys!” He called out, getting their
“Hello, Nicky,” Sacagawea
greeted him. Attila waved at Nicky and
said something you couldn’t understand. “Who’s this?” She motioned to you.
“Guys, this is F/N, my
girlfriend.” He introduced you. “F/N, this is Sacagawea and Attila the Hun.”
“It’s wonderful to meet you,”
You said politely, amazed that you were speaking to such well-known historical
figures. Sacagawea smiled at you.
“And to you,” She said. Attila spoke to you in what sounded like
gibberish to you. Just as you were about
to speak again, you felt something slam into your ankle. You looked down to see a remote control car
sitting by your foot. Nicky followed your gaze and picked up the car.
“Jed, Octavius, are you okay?”
“We’re fine!” You heard a voice coming from inside.
“Yep! Who’s the girl behind ya?” He opened the door and held his hand near the
opening. Two tiny little people, one
dressed as a cowboy and the other a Roman gladiator, stepped out onto his palm.
“Y/N, these are Jedediah and
Octavius.” You waved to the little
men. “This is Y/N, she’s my girlfriend” he
said. Jedediah tipped his hat and
“It’s an honor to meet you, my
lady,” Octavius said.
“Nice ta meet ya!” You laughed to yourself at the difference in
their manner of speaking.
“We don’t mean to be rude, but…”
Octavius started sheepishly
“Can you put us back in the car? Jedediah finished, sounding impatient.
“Oh, yeah, sure.” Nicky held them up to the door and they
scrambled inside. Closing the door
behind them, he put the car down and watched the little car speed away. When the car was out of sight, you both
looked up to see Sacagawea smiling apologetically as she climbed up onto the
back of Teddy’s horse, and Attila running around with his men. Nicky shrugged and turned to you. “I think the only one left for you to meet is
“Who?” You asked.
“Ahkmenrah. He owns the tablet that brings everything to
life.” He took your hand and began to
lead you towards the Egyptian exhibit. “He’s
gonna love you,” He said. “Ahk?” He called into the room. An Egyptian man came out from behind a
pillar. His face lit up when he saw
“Hello, Nicky,” He said walking
forward to hug Nicky. Nicky awkwardly
patted his back in return. When he let
go, he noticed you. His smile faltered a
little. “Who are you?” He asked.
“I’m F/N,” You answered as
politely as you could. “I’m Nicky’s girlfriend.” This time his smile did disappear.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you,
F/N, but,” He gave you an intimidating stare.
“What exactly are your intentions with the Guardian of Brooklyn’s son?” You looked at him questioningly.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh my God, Ahk,” Nicky said
under his breath.
“How long have you two been
“Four months,” Nicky answered
“Four months.” Ahk repeated.
“Is it possible to really get to know someone in four months? She could be using you,” He growled. “Are you using him? If you do not feel anything for him and are
just leading him on, I swear I shall unleash the fury of Ra upon you and your
ancestors. Everyone will hear of your
demise and know the feeling of true terror.
“Ahk!” Nicky yelled exasperatedly.
“…Too dark?” He asked sheepishly.
“Yeah!” Nicky shouted. “This is my girlfriend we’re speaking
about! I didn’t ask her out the day I
met her, Ahk. I’ve known her for five
“That’s still not a very long
time to get to know anyone!” He
retorted, angry with the way Nicky spoke to him. He grabbed Nicky’s arm with
one hand and snapped his fingers with the other. Two giant dog statues came up from behind you
and thrust their spears into the ground between you and Nicky, whose arm was
still being held by Ahkmenrah.
“You won’t hurt him. Not ever,” The Pharaoh vowed. You sent Nicky a look that screamed ‘is this
for real?’ He shrugged. “We will
find out your motivation, even if it kills you.”
“What’s going on in here?” Larry came in and took in the situation. You noticed that there was a monkey sitting
on his shoulder. “Y/N?”
“Hi, Larry,” You waved awkwardly
from behind the dog statues.
“Ahk, what are you doing?” He asked.
“Are you aware that she and
Nicky are courting?”
“Yeah, I met Y/N last month.”
“Oh.” Ahkmenrah said. “And you trust her?”
“Yeah, she’s a sweet kid.”
“You’re certain?” Larry nodded again. Ahkmenrah looked to Nicky.
“I tried to tell you.” Nicky said.
Ahk looked around sheepishly.
After a second or two, he snapped his fingers again. The statues lowered their spears and returned
to their positions. He let go of Nicky’s
arm. Nicky quickly made his way over
you. The monkey that was perched on
Larry’s shoulder hopped off in favor of sitting on Nicky’s shoulder.
“Hey, Dexter,” He patted the
monkey’s head before turning to you. “Are
you okay?” He asked concern evident in
“I’m fine,” You told him. He smiled and hugged you, kissing the side of
your head. Seeing his chance, Dexter
leapt from Nicky’s shoulder onto yours.
You looked up when you felt the sudden pressure on your shoulder. “Well, hello there.” You smiled, scratching his head like Nicky
had done. Dexter squeaked and snuggled into your hair.
Ahkmenrah walked over to the
three of you and looked down guiltily. “My
apologies, Lady Y/N. I overreacted.”
“It’s fine,” You told him. “My G/N did the same thing when they met
“Is that so?” He asked curiously. “Your G/N sound quite courageous; I must meet
them sometime.” You exchanged a nervous
glance with Nicky. You didn’t know how
to respond to that; you didn’t really want to have two giant spears pointed at
you if you answered wrong.
“I don’t think anyone’s ready
for you and Y/N’s G/N to meet yet.”
Larry said. Nicky and you both
breathed a sigh of relief.
Before anyone could say anything
else, your phone went off. You pulled it
out and checked it. “Oh, shoot.” You said.
“What?” Nicky said.
“I’m supposed to be home in ten
minutes; G/N just texted me to remind me.”
“I’d better take you home then.” You nodded, and gently coaxed Dexter off your
shoulder. He reclaimed his spot on Larry’s
“It was nice to meet you!” You said to Ahkmenrah and everyone else as
you passed them. The drive home was dead
silent. When you pulled up in front of
your apartment building, you didn’t get out right away.
“So,” Nicky said awkwardly. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine, Nicky,” You told
him. “It makes a pretty good story.” You grinned at him and he laughed. “Well, goodnight,” You said. Just as you grabbed the door handle, you felt
Nicky lean across the middle console and kiss your cheek. You giggled.
“I get held at spear point and all I get is a kiss on the cheek?” He rolled his eyes at you, but you could see
the amusement in his eyes. He gently
reached up to cup your face in his hands and he pulled your face to his. He pressed his lips to yours. You reached up and laid your hands over his,
your eyes fluttering shut. After a
minute, you pulled away. “Goodnight,
Nicky,” You smiled, pecking his lips again before gathering your things and
exiting the car. You waved at him from
the front door before disappearing inside. You smiled to yourself as you
thought about the evening on your way to your apartment. It was amazing. Who cares if you were threatened by an ancient
Egyptian Pharaoh? Best. Date.