why the lgbt+ community needs to get their shit together and quit being so biphobic.
Recently, tr-apstar posted a video that really struck a chord with me, in a good way. She did a phenomenal job explaining different issues in the lgbt+ community, one of which being internalized biphobia especially within the lesbian community. Also recently, I’ve seen some discussion in The 100 and the Carmilla fandoms about thegaywomenchannel, and how Adrianna and Sarah often posted videos with offensive humor/remarks towards bisexuals. Now, I’m not making this post to offend anyone who likes and/or supports tgwc, but to bring some light into why this internalized biphobia within the lgbt+ community needs to come to an end. Adrianna and Sarah are hilarious from time to time, but making jokes at the expense of bisexuality is not something I will ever support. Joking about issues only makes it more socially acceptable to persist enforcing those negative stereotypes and perpetuating hate.
Take this video for example. Go ahead, watch it if you want, but I’ll be pulling quotes from it. Now, in the comments, Sarah and Adrianna put that “nothing we say is serious.” Okay, maybe not for you two, but for all the bisexual people out there watching, this video (which uses hurtful bisexual stereotypes and makes jokes with them) is very serious. Even though you two may have been messing around with making this and not actually meaning to be harmful, it is hurtful and heartbreaking to the bisexuals who support you.
Now, to start, let’s take the first thing I pulled from this that really made me stop the video and say to myself, “Oh my God, she didn’t really just say that.”
“like if you’re just dating a lesbian and you’re doing
lesbian things and you’re hanging out with a lesbian then you gotta feel like probably
more of a lesbian” –Sarah
Sarah, I hate to point this out to you, but…no. As a bisexual girl, I can honestly say I’ve never “felt more like a lesbian” when I’ve hung out with and/or talked to my lesbian friends. You know what I felt like? I felt like I was hanging out with a friend. It’s the exact same thing with my ex boyfriend. Just because I was hanging out with a straight dude and we went on dates doesn’t mean for a second that I felt like I was straight.
“Bisexual is like a safety net, it’s like falling…into a net”—Adrianna
“It’s like a gateway sexuality…It’s like you’re taking a
stop at bisexual on the way to full blown lesbian” –both
“Most bisexuals don’t tell their parents that they’re gay;
well, no they might! And then they’re
like ‘Just kidding, Mom, bisexual!’ and then their mom’s like *makes sign of
the cross* ‘Thank God!’” –Adrianna
“Okay for those of you who haven’t come out yet, tell your
parents that you’re gay and then it’s a great Christmas present to tell them
that you’re actually bisexual” –Adrianna
(mocking a motherly voice) “‘Guess what Janice, she’s just
bisexual! There’s still a chance that
she could end up with a man!’” –Adrianna
“I wish I could give my mother the gift of bisexuality” –Adrianna
First of all, bisexuality IS IN NO WAY a safety net. Do you know what it was like the first time I told someone I may be attracted to girls too? My cousin acted totally different around me. He was weirded out. Called me a dyke for a while, even if it was just a joke. It hurt a lot. It hurts even more when your own family talks endlessly about how “bisexuals are just greedy! they need to just choose one!”, e.g., my own grandmother thinks that bisexuals are whores, both attention whores and whores that sleep around for fun, because “they’re just so horny they’ll sleep with anyone, they don’t care whether they have a penis or a vagina!” Things like that don’t create a safety net for coming out, unless the safety net you’re talking about is on fire.
And my mom was far from happy when I told her about the confusion I was going through. I talked to her about this when I was fourteen. I said that I knew I liked boys, because I wanted to date them and stuff, but girls were really pretty and, wow, it wasn’t weird to me to think of dating a girl too? She was so sad. Like, she was upset for days and wouldn’t talk about it. A while later, she asked me, “So have you decided?” and I was like, “decided on what?” and she said, “if you like boys or girls?” parents aren’t exactly always open armed to you coming out as bi. in my case, my parents think i need to just pick one already, make up my mind.
It wasn’t a “Christmas present” for my mom when she heard loud and clear that I still like boys but I also like girls. She still thinks I need to choose one or the other. It confuses her. She’s weirded out by it.
Also, coming out as bisexual is not a gift for your family. Often times, they look at it as a curse. A stigma. Because they don’t want to be that family with the slutty daughter who has a reputation because she sleeps with girls and boys. They don’t want to be that family the neighbors sneer at because they have a son who has dated boys and girls, but just won’t already come out as gay and stop trying to be something he’s not. They don’t want to be that family at church who the conservative mothers and fathers turn their kids away from, because their child is “cursed by the devil” for being interested in the same gender. Because, like it or not, a child’s sexuality reflects on their parents, as unfair and stupid as it is. People will always judge parents for raising a child who comes out as gay, and certainly for kids who date both girls and boys, often times the parents are looked at as “uncaring” or “not strict enough” because “they allow those kids too much sexual freedom”. You hear comments a lot like these when you live in a mainly conservative neighborhood and go to a catholic school. so, no, coming out is never a “gift” for parents.
“90% of people in the world are bisexual…no! 80%, because
10% are gay and 10% are straight. So I
think those are the only people who ever need to come out. Like I think when you’re like 16, 17, 25, 40,
whenever it is you come out, that’s when you come out as gay or straight. That’s when everyoneshould be like, ‘okay,
you’ve reached that age, are you gay or straight?’ and if you’re like, ‘oh no, I’m
not coming out’ then like, okay, you’re bisexual.”—Adrianna
Let me stop you right there, Adrianna. Are YOU, a lesbian, a person who had to COME OUT, insinuating that heterosexual people have to come out to be accepted? What the actual fuck? No, 80% of the world is not bisexual. You’re mixing up sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction. Probably what you should be insinuating here is that the majority of the world looks at both men and women and can appreciate their looks without wanting to sleep with them. Next, a straight person never needs to come out, because you’re automatically assumed heterosexual until you say otherwise, as stupid and hurtful as that is. Just..even joking about straight people having to come out is harmful for gay, pansexual, asexual, demisexual, and bisexual people. WE are the ones who needs to come out, because everyone automatically assumes we’re straight. Not the heterosexuals. They’re fine. They don’t need to come out, because they already identify as what the world sees as “normal” and “common”.
“So bisexuals, you can’t get mad at everything because you’re
the majority. We’re allowed to bitch
about shit because we’re the minority!” –Adrianna
“So if we’re going to date our little bisexual college roommate
and she breaks our little hearts, we’re going to complain about it.” –Sarah
This honestly is just so hurtful to hear. I thought that being part of the LGBT+ group meant being accepted. And then, I have to hear shit like this. THIS is internalized biphobia coming from the lesbian community, even if it was “a joke” or not serious.
1. Just because a bisexual likes both men and women does not make them the majority. We are a minority within a minority; we are ostracized both from the straight community for not being “one or the other” and “being greedy,” and we are ostracized from the gay and lesbian communities for “not being gay enough” or “needing to just pick one!” We are a minority in the sense that we are part of the LGBT+ spectrum, and even more of a minority because we fall into a specific part of the spectrum, and the constant hurtful remarks and stigmatization don’t help.
2. I know later Sarah went on to say that if a lesbian broke her heart she’d be mad at lesbians too, but really? This is just harmful and rude and arrogant of you to say. I’m sorry if you date a bisexual girl who breaks your heart, but her sexuality has nothing to do with why you should be upset. It’s okay to be upset about getting your heart broken, and it’s okay to be mad at the person who broke your heart. But if the first thing you think when a bisexual girl breaks up with you or whatever is “That dumb bisexual! What a waste of time, I should only date lesbians. Bisexuals are nothing but trouble”, then YOU are the problem.
YOU are the problem because you’re being a whiny snob. You are the problem because you are treating bisexuals as lesser than you, saying that their struggles aren’t as great as yours. You are the problem because you are so entitled that you think a woman (or man, or nonbinary, but let’s stick with woman for the sake of internalized biphobia esp. within the lesbian community for a moment) is not really into you, or more likely to cheat, or the root of troubles in your relationship, because she’s probably sucked a dick at some point in her life instead of only eating pussy. You are so scared that a woman you’re with is going to leave you for a man: but here’s the thing, if a bisexual girl is going to leave you, she is just as likely to leave you for another woman as she is a man!
Now, I love you all. And I love when I feel safe and included in an lgbt+ space. But quite frankly, this video only reinforces the fact that there is waaaay too much internalized biphobia within the lesbian community, especially.
One last note on this: please stop minimalizing bisexual struggles. We are cast aside not only by the straight community, but also by the gay community. Male or female, or neither or both, regardless of what gender you identify as…bisexuals are treated poorly on both ends. Instead of trivializing our struggles, calling us “mainstream” or “the majority”, instead of joking around about how “we don’t have it as rough as gays and lesbians do”…just remember that we’re queer too, we’re ostracized too, we’re cast aside too, and instead of your judgement, we could really use your love and acceptance.
If I could quote turnandchasethewind for their wonderful commentary on this post which discusses the same topic as my post and, quite frankly, make me want to put my two cents in:
“The majority of the video was using harmful stereotypes about bisexuality as the butt of their jokes. Although this is layered with sarcasm, the problem with making these kinds of jokes is that they are coming from women who identify as lesbians and at the expense of people who identify as bisexual.
They start the video saying that people give them a hard time about bisexuality (since they’ve made fairly biphobic videos in the past) and then instead of using the video as a way to bridge that gap by promoting positive messages about bisexuality they exploit stereotypes for a laugh.
When you’re going to touch on a sensitive topic through comedy it is only useful if your material is shedding light on why something is problematic (ex. jokes that pointed out how ridiculous biphobia is coming from within the queer community since we as a whole are already judged by people who are not queer). But in this case all their jokes did was point out a bunch of stereotypes and not necessarily dispute them, which just in the end perpetuates those harmful ideas.
Example: “coming out as bisexual is like a Christmas present for your parents” this joke perpetuates the idea that people who are bisexual experience less prejudice than other lgbt people and undermines the struggle that people who are bisexual go through when coming out to their close friends and family
In the end, the video should have been a way to bridge the gap between lesbians and bisexual women since intra conflict is high and we all have enough troubles from others than to try and one up each others’ struggles, but to me it seemed like more harm than good.”
I hate when people call Tiffany, Chanyeol, BamBam, and V attention whores. So just because they’re outgoing and friendly they’re fake attention whores? I can’t with some Kpop fans. You guys must be fun at parties.
First of all, you mean to tell me that someone is so thinskinned that they went insane over a whopping 2 gifs (gifs that the OP never said what they were, a HUGE detail to be omitted in my opinion) to the point of downing an entire bottle of pills like a shot of Jack?
Second of all, the OP claims that their friend slowly and painfully died over the phone. Which means that if they had a working human soul and an actual fucking brain in their head, they would have had plenty plenty of time to call the police in their friend’s area and tell them the details.
But instead, what do they do? Wait until their friend fucking died to post about it on tumblr for notes.
So guess what shithead, if you ARE telling the truth, and you actually DID have a friend who down a pill bottle and slowly died over the phone talking to you with full knowledge of what they did, and you let them die?
You know what THAT means?
That means you are a bigger piece of shit than anyone during this “war.”
You let your friend die a slow and excruciatingly painful death over the phone, so you could post about it on tumblr. You have admitted to a third degree felony (reckless endangerment) by stating that you effectively did nothing to prevent a suicidal person from killing themselves after that person made credible threats against their own physical safety and then did nothing of use to help once said person took life ending action.
If what you said is indeed true, have fun in jail shithead.
This entire story has “attention whore” and “desperate for notes” written all over it, and you are all fools for going along with it.
Aries- You might call yourself an old soul, generally pretty laid-back, you are open to change and want to explore new worlds. Things you probably like: leisure activities, foreign languages, cooking, and small parties.
Taurus- You sometimes feel out of place, but have a solid group of friends who look out for you. You can be a bit of an attention-whore, but you’re generally fun to be around. I suppose you like: the summer, candy in excess, gaming, and lunch time.
Gemini- You mold together your friend group. They may not all get along, but you make it work. You have a pretty easy-going life, but get stressed out easily. You like: reading, warm baths, baking, and exploring YouTube.
Cancer- You are a bit vain, but you have a good heart. If someone needs comforting, you’ll be there. Sometimes you let beauty get in the way of things, but never the ones you love. You probably like: dance music, coffee, puppies, and the color blue.
Leo- You are an extrovert when you’re around people you’re comfortable with, but surprisingly shy otherwise. You are a powerful person who is sometimes misunderstood. You mean well, but sometimes try to be someone you’re not. You like: having your friends around, eye makeup, crafting, and science.
Virgo- You can be a bit of a party animal sometimes, and may or may not have ADHD. You believe in love at first sight, and you don’t let the haters get to you. You like: sports, pool parties, easy listening music, and talking A LOT.
Libra- You are different. In a good way. You can be a little socially awkward sometimes, but you manage to have a fair amount of friends regardless. You make wise choices, and don’t let anyone hold you up. You probably like- amazon, computers, watching sports games, and cool shoes.
Scorpio- You are a good person, and pretty funny. People like to be around you, but they also like to mess with you. You focus on what’s important, but have mild anger issues. You like: smart people, hard rock, engineering, and rough sports.
Sagittarius- You feel like you aren’t recognized enough. You don’t really have a best friend, but you have a lot of close friends. You are notoriously lucky, not super smart, but outgoing and talented. You like: Netflix, hair tutorials, doodling, and piercings.
Capricorn- You love being invited to parties and getting to meet new people. You have a super friendly reputation, but sometimes feel out of touch with yourself. You could use a little meditation. You like: kittens, chocolate, giving gifts, and little kids.
Aquarius- You remain yet a mystery. You have a few very close friends, but even they don’t know everything about you. You are very smart, and unique, though sometimes you don’t show it. You aren’t very “hip” however. You like: long walks, mystery movies, traveling, and foreign languages.
Pisces- You are not super popular, but you have a lot of friends. You try to stay away from drama, even though you cause it sometimes. You’re a hopeless romantic, but just need a little love. You have a specific talent that you’re very good at. You like: spring, geeking out, rock bands, and writing.