attempting to better myself


Wednesday and Amelia are officially owners of their very own townhouse! 💛🌱

Whumpp whomp

i am beyond sick of looking at this so im just gonna….. leave it here….

idk i thought it’d be fun to do a sort of redraw, but use ellie’s new design instead of her old one (spoiler: it wasn’t. it was torture)

anonymous asked:

How do you afford such an expensive telescope? You seem to have lots of free time so I assume you don't have a full time adult job. You said you have two kids and you live with your parents? Are you one of those man child guys who has rich parents who pay for everything while you read books and preach? Where are you going with your life? Do you ask? You don't stress about supporting a family I bet.

1) That telescope was roughly $340, and I purchased it over 6 years ago during the summer I was laid off from a job I carried for 4+ years in order to support my family and keep consistent with child support. That job demanded everything from me. Within the first year I ended up in the hospital hooked up to an IV and served as a guinea pig for several muscle relaxers and pain relievers, all due to stress induced diaphragmatic spasms. While my son (now 10) was a baby/toddler, I had to travel out of town at random, forfeiting time with my son. 

So, when I was laid off in a really shifty way by the company that took more from me than it gave, I thought I earned that telescope, a small gift to myself, which would give me so much more in return. 

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven’t been following this blog for too long. 

2) I work as an enrichment provider through my local library, where I serve as a “LEAP Into Science” teacher for an inner city after school program, 5 days a week. That former job I had 6 years ago reached out to me recently to manage a promotional campaign in Boston for 20 days, so I accepted the contract gig because it’ll provide me with more than my current job could in the same time frame; however, I’ll be sacrificing an entire month away from my kids. 

No, I don’t have a “full time adult” job yet. I had two jobs, but the other abruptly had to close down due to financial struggles. And after I return from Boston, I’ll be continuing my role with the after school program as a substitute wherever and whenever needed every day through the remainder of the school year. Then, I’ll be leading a science summer camp through the YMCA, as I did last year as well. Not a “big boy” job as you say, but that’s the double edged sword of wanting to keep ones dignity…sacrifice a more comfortable financial lifestyle for the benefit of others whose lives will be effected beyond ones own. 

3) I moved back home to York, currently staying with my parents, yes. When my then fiance decided to move in a different direction and my then untreated PTSD was too overwhelming for her, my parents offered their support, and I’m extremely grateful. I took the opportunity to attempt bettering myself by getting insurance, setting up a new doctor, and committing myself to an SSRI, which I’ve been on for over a year, with dramatically positive results. Still, I’m torn and tugged upon, where one day I’m attempting positivity and elation to be alive; and the others, I’m anchored to not so healthy thoughts about everything and anything. It’s been a difficult battle to, courtesy of Paxil, become aware of how influential and disruptive and self sabotaging PTSD is, and the governance its had on my life. This first year has been a significant step forward but there’s more work to be done. 

4) I do have two children, who both live with their mothers, and I have them on the weekends. My “free time” is dedicated to them. When I’m not with them, I would hardly call it “free time”…more, distracting my mind from self loathing and defeat…time. Thus, Tumblr has been and will always be a healthy and safe space for me. 

5) No, I’m not a “man-child” who has their parents pay for everything while I “read books and preach”. Rather, I’m a complex human with complex problems just as everyone; and my parents have helped where and when they can. My mother is a physical therapist and my father owns his own tile installation business (no employees, just him). Wouldn’t call them “rich” by any means whatsoever. I’ve made more money than my mom throughout the years, and my father is busier than he’s ever been with work.

My love for reading is twofold: I read to further my education, broaden and diversify my perspective, and to escape. As far as “preaching” goes, I’m curious as to what you think a sermon of mine would entail…

Environmental protection/policy and human stewardship of the ecosystem?

The imperative of human spaceflight on our civilization and culture as a means to further preserve life and mature our species? 

Promote scientific literacy as a vaccination against ignorance and fear? 

Support resistance against hate, racism, stereotypes, fascism and an oligarchical capitalist society?  

Advocate for humanism and mental health awareness? 

6) I stress less about supporting my family now than I did before Paxil, that’s for sure. But I stress every day about supporting my family. However, Landen is taken care of well over at his mother’s place; and Huxley just the same. My children are loved, and have forged very close and genuine relationships and connections with me, for which I’m proud of, as a father. Nothing about my situation is ideal or convenient to me, no matter how well it seems to “work out” week by week. I still miss my children all the time when I’m not with them. It’s painful. 

7) Where am I going with my life? Do I ask? Of course I ask. And I have plans. But I also have idiosyncrasies and failings of human error that prevent me from pursuing everything I wish, along with significant financial woes. So much has happened over the last year, let alone the last 2.5 years. While I have this time here at my parents’ place, I’ve accepted that this is the port of call by which I must gain my bearings and chart a new course. 

“I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”  – Carl Sandburg

All of the above aside, I must say, I find it absolutely bewildering that an individual like yourself would take the time out of whatever kind of life you are living to compartmentalize and project so much bitterness and hate and contempt that you’d actually feel good about yourself sending me a message like this. Like, actually hitting “send” and thinking to yourself, “yeah…I made a good decision today.” 

I’ve genuinely and honestly shared with you a bit of my life, no matter how undeserving I felt you were to have it shared with. That being said, I ask that you politely go fuck yourself, and never message me again.

been losing myself and letting things fall through my hands for the past couple of months. but I think I’m starting to pick myself up again. 

Outgrowing a lot of the “cool” stuff I used to waste my time doing… also losing the “friends” I did it with… and I’m thankful… not trying to look back and see a past full of missed chances and burned bridges… I owe myself more… change always seems abrupt to those it doesn’t include. I’m completely fine with anyone against mine, you aren’t supposed to get it… there are other levels I’m trying to see… you’re either with that or you’re getting left back… no hard feelings! I used to go out of my way to try and include everybody. Now I just watch to see who’s trying to include themselves… I know it’s on me to leave the door open and I can’t force anybody to walk through… but I can control who doesn’t  get back in after they walk out. I can control who I allow to interrupt my peace, and I realize more now than ever that the main person doing that was me. So in attempt to do better for me, I had to distance myself from a few… and it’s working out beautifully!
—  Rob Hill Sr.

As some of you have noticed, i’ve been experimenting with just, blindly following everybody i recognize from being in the notes relatively frequently, as an effort to try to understand the community i communicate to. it’s pretty haphazard; don’t take it personally if i haven’t followed you.

If you were unkind, you could frame this as a tradeoff between attempting to use my followers as a genuine source of information and attempting to understand you better so i can endear myself to a wide swath of the community without alienating the rest, so that when i have need of something from you i can extract this more reliably.

So far though i don’t understand you lot much more. This has served to make my dash impossible to follow and completely removed many points of consensus; while this perhaps is unfortunate from the perspective of truly feeling like part of a community, it has served to make it easier to focus on The Work.

so maybe that’s alright.

I’m making today better for someone, even if it kills me.

I have had a bad day and while I’m not great right this second, I’m determined to make myself feel better.

So, in an attempt to do that, I put a request on anyone reading this:

Come tell me one good thing that has happened to you today and I will do one of the following 

  • pull a tarot card for you
  • tell you something I think is awesome about you
  • give you a song I think is neat or reminds me of you
  • Tell you why I’d love to know you better
  • or any combination of the above.
Take Care - j.b. imagine

Pairing: Reader x Justin Bieber

requested?: yes by anon

requests open?: all the time lol

warnings: strong suggestive language, mentions of abuse, don’t read if you’re not comfortable with any of those mentioned before!

‘You are worthless! You’re nothing to me! You’re nothing but a worthless piece of shit that nobody loves! Nobody is going to love somebody as ugly and pathetic as you are! You’re better off dead!


Don’t you just hate it when the bad memories come rushing back out of nowhere? It happened to me all too often. It’s like a daily chore per say. After a year of being out of that abusive relationship with my ex, I’m still having the reoccurring nightmares. Sometimes it’s just him beating and yelling at me, other times, he beats me to the point where he’s killed me.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I've been alive for 21 years and my whole life I've lost friends and gained so many enemies because I could never defend myself when I would (of course) do something wrong or strange with recent friends due to my autism and impulsivity. It's a repeating cycle: confronted about error>fear and apology>have to walk on eggshells>make another error> i'm a bad apple and a problem child that needs to be cast out. This has happened so much after my abuse at 7.

I don’t know how to fix myself, i always mess up, i know its impossible that ive met all those people and “they were the problem” and not me. I dont know how to fix my autisim and my impulsivity and my many years where I did not interact with people after failed attempts. It really hurts, i can’t make myself better, i made myself into a bad person along the way

maybe…maybe you don’t need to fix yourself. that needs to the thought you have to change immediately, and that’s not how people work usually..maybe instead. you need to find the ways where who you are, works for you.

how best do you communicate? written words, like texts or emails, chat? art? face to face? how about, what is the stuff that doesn’t work for you? you don’t have to fix yourself, there may not be much you need to fix, you just need to try to know yourself.

it can be especially hard, when you’re lonely and crave friendship…but. you can, and maybe should be a little picky about who you let into your life. you need people who will be patient and understanding, who will work with you to improve instead of just “you messed up”. and you deserve it. you deserve that kind of patience. and you can give a little of it’s not that either of you are “the problem”. you aren’t 100% bad or good….you’re complicated. we all are and that’s. a lot to be ok with

letting people come and go can also be a hard thing to learn, but will help you in the long run. you will “mess up”. you will do things differently, you have different needs. and that’s ok. you will find people who can mesh with that. you aren’t a bad person..and if you are? well. same things apply i suppose

Ichigo and Rukia trying to calm their baby down. S/he won’t stop crying no matter what they do and s/he is starting to go hoarse from how long s/he has been crying. They absolutely desperate and on the verge of tears themselves.

Finally Byakuya can’t handle seeing Ichigo and Rukia struggle so much, so he walks into their room and plucks the baby out of Ichigo’s arms and cradles it in his arms and instantly the baby stops crying. Ichigo is torn between being angry because what is Byakuya doing that he didn’t do and being relieved because finally his poor baby is suffering.(but still why does his baby like Byakuya more then his/hers own dad it’s not fair ;-;) Rukia doesn’t even care how he did it, she’s just so relieved. She does make note to later beg byakuya to teach her his magic ways.

Byakuya then tells the tried parents to get some sleep and he will care for his niece/nephew. They try to protest but Byakuya ignores them and walks out of the room baby in tow.

When they wake up in the morning they find byakuya asleep with their little ray of light asleep on uncle bykuya’s chest.

Ichigo makes sure to take pictures for future blackmail.

anonymous asked:

Harry's the biggest flop. He can't sing, he can't act, he can't find a woman/man - he can't even look good doing it. You stan the ugliest man who is talentless and full of comments that bait people in the worst of ways. How can he joke about being solo when he promised he would return this year? You stan THAT. You're sad.

Uh, sis, you’re sad. I don’t go after people on anon seeking validation by sending untrue nonsense in an attempt to make myself feel better. I think you need to take some time away from the Internet. 

So, I’ve made yet another Tarot spread on the fly. This one was inspired twofold. Superficially, the theme originated due to my spending seventeen hours in a breakfast joint waitressing on Friday night and Saturday morning, during which my mind wandered into strange areas. In terms of actual content, the spread was inspired by my attempts to ascertain how I can better keep myself moving, so to speak. I’m overly reliant on energy drinks, but would like to find more spiritual/intellectual ways of heightening my awareness. 

The theme is food, because the focus is, essentially, on what nourishes you and keeps you going, and how to improve yourself through knowing about it. I do believe eating healthy is important, though I’ve been guilty of unduly indulging in unhealthy food in the past. I believe everyone should make an attempt to care for themselves as best they can, and this spread is inspired by that, too. In case you’re curious, this spread is not actually about food, though, and please don’t try to use it to get dietary advice!

There are four cards inspired by various parts of a typical breakfast diner meal (ironic, because much of what we serve, and in the portions we serve, isn’t very healthy!) and they can really be read in any order, as is the case with most of my spreads. Nevertheless, I’ve numbered them one through four as a matter of convenience and to more easily reference them in this description. Let’s begin, shall we?

  1. Pastry. What pleasant or fun things do I use to keep myself moving? This card isn’t going to tell you what to avoid (none of the cards do that), but it’ll tell you about pastimes as pleasantries that are helpful in your life, providing entertaining nourishment. it’s represented by croissants, but you can envision it as any kind of sweet breakfast food, like pancakes.
  2. Eggs. What new nourishing practices or things can I bring into my life? This is represented by eggs because, well, eggs are sort of like seeds and thus represent a beginning, arguably even if they’re cooked. No offense intended to vegans - if you’re vegan and want to do this spread, imagine this as a comparable eggless food!
  3. Meat.  What nourishes you in the long-term? This card refers not to fast jolts of energy, but rather, to the processes and things that run in the background but actually have a large impact on you. No offense, again, to vegans and vegetarians. Again, you can imagine this as whatever you eat.
  4. Coffee. What stopgap measures can I employ when I’m tired or not feeling very well-nourished? This card represents things that, healthy or even unhealthy, which keep us going when there’s nothing else to rely on. It could even represent actual caffeinated beverages, as it did when I performed this spread. I realize not everyone drinks coffee, but the association does remain!

I hope you have enjoyed this Tarot spread and that someone out there gets some kind of use from it. If anyone has any questions or wants help interpreting it (probably unlikely), feel free to message me. I’ll be up all night, and, to be brutally honest, am getting kind of lonely since most everyone is in bed save for xepsurah-fox.

Again, no offense to those who avoid animal products! I personally am not vegan or vegetarian, but we do regularly have customers at work who are, and they usually can’t order very much since most of our food is decidedly not vegan, so I confess that I don’t know foods that can really stand in for the above in the spread. I’m sure that if you yourself are vegan, you can think of some!

Thought: It would be fun to do this spread while eating each of the foods in question, in whatever order one chooses!