attempting to better myself

i am beyond sick of looking at this so im just gonna….. leave it here….

idk i thought it’d be fun to do a sort of redraw, but use ellie’s new design instead of her old one (spoiler: it wasn’t. it was torture)

I've tweaked & I've juggled

Yet somehow I still can’t lose weight! Actually I can and I have lost weight but then I decided to start taking a little of this and a little of that from others that seemed to work well for them and tried to add it to my own diet. Basically attempting to fix what wasn’t broken.

It’s taken me this long and finally reaching my breaking point for me to realize that I’ve been sabotaging my own journey! Between deleting parts of what was working and adding things that worked for others but not for me, concentrating more on attempting to better myself running while paying very little attention to my basic diet and using the excuse of “it’s ok, I ran today” as an excuse to shove whatever I want in my mouth I’ve beat myself at my own war!

I started this journey using Weight Watchers and sticking to it while working as best as I could at the time becoming more active. Doing so gifted me with a 50 pound loss in less than six months and I was thrilled beyond belief! Then I started feeling like I was smarter than the average bear and started messing with the system. Here I am 6 months later and heavier than I was at my 50 pounds down. I’ve gained about twenty back and to be honest I’m shocked it wasn’t more! I’ve got some pretty serious health issues that are still being addressed and in all honesty, after burying another friend that was actually a year younger than me due to health issues its been a huge wake up call.

I’ve started back on Weight Watchers and today is my first full day of it. I’m going strictly with the program and not varying from it. I’ll also be going back to weighing myself weekly whether it’s good news or bad I’ll be posting it and staying accountable for everything I eat and how active I am or am not. I want to wear shorts with confidence ( something I’ve not been able to do ) when I go with my family on vacation this June and by God that’s what I’m going to do! Posting this here for all to see for accountability and if you see me slipping please feel free to call me out! I need to stay on track!

Imagining being able to start losing the way I was before is an awesome thought. Can’t wait to see how it goes!? Hopefully?

Originally posted by jesuschristnation

I feel like I am throwing so much money at healthcare in an attempt to take better care of myself this year and it’s suuuuuuuch a giant pile of shit-hassle. I was supposed to get a new IUD next week but they forgot to order it, and I went to a dermatologist with a 2-month wait list and she barely examined me. Like hey cool, glad that took several hundred dollars out of my pocket, neat, healthcare is a broken system, bye

So, I’ve made yet another Tarot spread on the fly. This one was inspired twofold. Superficially, the theme originated due to my spending seventeen hours in a breakfast joint waitressing on Friday night and Saturday morning, during which my mind wandered into strange areas. In terms of actual content, the spread was inspired by my attempts to ascertain how I can better keep myself moving, so to speak. I’m overly reliant on energy drinks, but would like to find more spiritual/intellectual ways of heightening my awareness. 

The theme is food, because the focus is, essentially, on what nourishes you and keeps you going, and how to improve yourself through knowing about it. I do believe eating healthy is important, though I’ve been guilty of unduly indulging in unhealthy food in the past. I believe everyone should make an attempt to care for themselves as best they can, and this spread is inspired by that, too. In case you’re curious, this spread is not actually about food, though, and please don’t try to use it to get dietary advice!

There are four cards inspired by various parts of a typical breakfast diner meal (ironic, because much of what we serve, and in the portions we serve, isn’t very healthy!) and they can really be read in any order, as is the case with most of my spreads. Nevertheless, I’ve numbered them one through four as a matter of convenience and to more easily reference them in this description. Let’s begin, shall we?

  1. Pastry. What pleasant or fun things do I use to keep myself moving? This card isn’t going to tell you what to avoid (none of the cards do that), but it’ll tell you about pastimes as pleasantries that are helpful in your life, providing entertaining nourishment. it’s represented by croissants, but you can envision it as any kind of sweet breakfast food, like pancakes.
  2. Eggs. What new nourishing practices or things can I bring into my life? This is represented by eggs because, well, eggs are sort of like seeds and thus represent a beginning, arguably even if they’re cooked. No offense intended to vegans - if you’re vegan and want to do this spread, imagine this as a comparable eggless food!
  3. Meat.  What nourishes you in the long-term? This card refers not to fast jolts of energy, but rather, to the processes and things that run in the background but actually have a large impact on you. No offense, again, to vegans and vegetarians. Again, you can imagine this as whatever you eat.
  4. Coffee. What stopgap measures can I employ when I’m tired or not feeling very well-nourished? This card represents things that, healthy or even unhealthy, which keep us going when there’s nothing else to rely on. It could even represent actual caffeinated beverages, as it did when I performed this spread. I realize not everyone drinks coffee, but the association does remain!

I hope you have enjoyed this Tarot spread and that someone out there gets some kind of use from it. If anyone has any questions or wants help interpreting it (probably unlikely), feel free to message me. I’ll be up all night, and, to be brutally honest, am getting kind of lonely since most everyone is in bed save for xepsurah-fox.

Again, no offense to those who avoid animal products! I personally am not vegan or vegetarian, but we do regularly have customers at work who are, and they usually can’t order very much since most of our food is decidedly not vegan, so I confess that I don’t know foods that can really stand in for the above in the spread. I’m sure that if you yourself are vegan, you can think of some!

Thought: It would be fun to do this spread while eating each of the foods in question, in whatever order one chooses!

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I’m gonna take character requests that I might do tomorrow. Might. Nothing fancy, just a little doodle, but it seems that drawing makes me feel miles better. So hey, give me a character by tomorrow at about 2:30 EST and I’ll probably draw them. No guarantee I’ll do all of them depending on how many I get, but I will try. You gotta make yourself happy somehow. 

Good night.


I am feeling a bit emotional.  I drew this same character 9 months ago in a naive attempt to better myself.  I grew from there.  I’ve been at my job for two years and six months and I have been practicing my sketchs here and there.  I finally decided to draw Holo again, this time I put to work my ink skills.  It’s only practice but I am a bit proud of my progress.  Thank you for the encouragement over time.  

Travel Blog——>

Wed 25th Feb ‘15. 12:15 // Despite how much work I need to complete this week due to how ill I was feeling yesterday I had myself an early night and let myself lie in this morning. I got around 9.5 hours sleep in the end which was sublime! Feeling better in myself today and ready to attempt all of the reading I need to do for my ethics essay.

You don’t have to agree with these. I am sharing them to attempt to better myself as a person. This is what works for me right now.
1. Friends are something to enjoy. They are not an obligation nor should you be dependent on them alone. I need to make sure I can take care of myself for me.

2. While having a boyfriend (girlfriend : significant other : spouse : etc ) is good for the feels, that person should not be required and/or the basis for all my happiness. I can be happy on my own as an individual.

3. I am me. That’s all I really can be. I can’t be you. I can’t be them. I’m the only one who knows what that means at the core and I will strive to be the best me there is by my standards. If there is a problem, I will need to fix it myself. Others can support but the real work needs to be done by yours truly.

4. I seemed to have a misunderstanding of this ideal for the first half of my life. I can say I’m pretty without it being egotistical. I can say I’m good at things without it being gloating. It’s a matter of balancing it so it doesn’t become overly prideful or hurtful to others.

5. Advice has always been a hard thing for me to accept, to process, and to deal with. I do not do well at all with people being blunt with me, no matter how much I “need” to hear what they’re saying. But it is just that. Advice. It is not a rule. It is not a law. I will not be put away for not following it. If I do not take the advice and I mess up, that is my own fault and my own choice. If I take the advice and things end up poorly, again, it is not a reflect on them, but in myself for following it. Advice is formulated by others advice or experianxe shared and personal experience in the situation. It is not something written in stone. It can be pushed aside if you do not feel it is right for you.

Enough of this, I need sleep but at least my mind and heart are at rest now. Sometimes you just have to get these things out.


An attempt to feel better about myself without makeup rn, when I am unwell I feel really crappy about myself and my appearance. The puffy eyes due to my kidneys and my anxiety and skin picking is back and my medication for my acne is being denied due to manufacturing issues. When you feel bad on the inside I always feel like it reflects. Sorry for the ramble and no makeup selfies. I’m currently wearing all of Ben’s clothes as I’m pained today but it provides comfort.

Project Self Esteem: Now Reblogging Your Selfies #cloneclubselfesteem

Hi there friends!

Some of you know that I’ve been going through a rough time. Unfortunately we all have our demons, and one of the things about myself that I’ve found dwindling due to recent events is my self-esteem. I understand that this may be a familiar feeling to many of you and I think it’s time we all come together in solidarity around this. 

So, in an attempt to feel better about myself and maybe help others do the same, I propose #cloneclubselfesteem. 

  • What is #cloneclubselfesteem?

    #cloneclubselfesteem is a project of posting selfies and spreading positivity. This was originally conceived as a personal project but I invite everyone to join in. 

  • How does it work?
  1. Post as many selfies as you want using #cloneclubselfesteem
  2. I will be reblogging all of your selfies and writing kind words in the tags
  3. You do the same! (Some of you already do. Go you! You’re an inspiration for this!)
  • Don’t want your selfie reblogged here?

    Let me know in the tags! Feel free to also let me know if I wrongly reblogged your selfie.

  • How long will it last?

    For now, I will do this at least for the rest of the month of April. But if it goes well and all of you enjoy it, I’d be happy to continue this indefinitely. 

  • Don’t want to use the #cloneclubselfesteem tag?

    Just let me know! I’d be happy to track whatever selfie tag you already use. 

All of this is of course optional. A friendly reminder to keep this a safe space, so kind words only please. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that being compassionate towards others makes you feel better about yourself. 

I will also be participating in this project on my personal blog (the link will be below the “read more” so that this blog may remain anonymous if you so choose). 

You’re all beautiful, Clone Club. xx

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